My friend "outed" me....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: midwest
Posts: 20
My friend "outed" me....
My good friend told me tonight that she bumped into an old workmate of ours and told her that I was in AA. wow. I am really paranoid and angry right now. Has anyone had this happen to them? She said she only told her because she was proud of me. But I don't think it's her right to tell people that I'm a recovering alcoholic. What a weird situation.... I'm on day 66 of sobriety - and tonight I am having a crazy urge to drink, I am so stressed about this! I'm going to bury my face in some chocolate now. 
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 232
That's so not cool.
I think that there isnt anything you can do about it, whats done is done.
However, you probablly need to have an open and honest conversation with your friend about personal boundries, respect, privacy, confidentiality etc etc..
Now, tell those ugly urges to go away and get lost.
Although you are stressed, embarrased, annoyed, angry..betrayed...etc etc..alcohol would most certainly make that worse.
Congrats on your 66 days!! Be proud of your accomplishment
I think that there isnt anything you can do about it, whats done is done.
However, you probablly need to have an open and honest conversation with your friend about personal boundries, respect, privacy, confidentiality etc etc..
Now, tell those ugly urges to go away and get lost.
Although you are stressed, embarrased, annoyed, angry..betrayed...etc etc..alcohol would most certainly make that worse.
Congrats on your 66 days!! Be proud of your accomplishment
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Vertigo, Drinking poison, expecting the other person to die!
Do not drink over this! She should not have done that, but people do not realise what an impact that kind of thing has on us.
My kid brother told his doctor about MY drinking. He used phrases like what HIS next move would be etc. The doc is very well known to our family and also a cousin. He just told my brother that he was there if I needed him but that it was up to me what I do. The doc was fine about it, he is dead sound. I was very annoyed and my brother believes it was his right to do so. I did set he and my sister straight on what would be happening re my recovery and finally they got it.
They now are supportive but not intrusive. I keep details such as cravings, daycount etc for my AA meetings and just talk in general as much as I am comfortable with.
Your friend may have been just gossiping if truth be told. That is why it is ANONYMOUS! Because some people cannot SHUT UP! Hugs to you. do not worry, stay on course and keep details to minimum with her from now on.
Do not drink over this! She should not have done that, but people do not realise what an impact that kind of thing has on us.
My kid brother told his doctor about MY drinking. He used phrases like what HIS next move would be etc. The doc is very well known to our family and also a cousin. He just told my brother that he was there if I needed him but that it was up to me what I do. The doc was fine about it, he is dead sound. I was very annoyed and my brother believes it was his right to do so. I did set he and my sister straight on what would be happening re my recovery and finally they got it.
They now are supportive but not intrusive. I keep details such as cravings, daycount etc for my AA meetings and just talk in general as much as I am comfortable with.
Your friend may have been just gossiping if truth be told. That is why it is ANONYMOUS! Because some people cannot SHUT UP! Hugs to you. do not worry, stay on course and keep details to minimum with her from now on.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
No one wants to be the object of gossip....regardless
of how well meaning the intention might have been.
To deal with resentments ..check out our BB...page 552
it's helped me often.
Please don't let that keep you from doing what you
know will benefit you.....recovery
Well done on your 66 days.....
Add another ...then another....that's the way to win.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Sorry you are going through this.
Without beating a dead horse here.....my suggestion is simple...take the energy and put it into your recovery. What is done is done.
You have 66 beautiful sober days and have worked too hard my friend so take this as another experience to add to your overall recovery.
I have been there and just recently had a negative event happen so I feel you but nothing is worth losing my sobriety for. I am working my recovery a bit more lately and I blessed that I know what I am and all the good things I have.
Remember that everything becomes yesterday's news. Who cares....you know how well you have done. No one can touch that nor take it from you. Huggs.
Stay strong and move on.
Without beating a dead horse here.....my suggestion is simple...take the energy and put it into your recovery. What is done is done.
You have 66 beautiful sober days and have worked too hard my friend so take this as another experience to add to your overall recovery.
I have been there and just recently had a negative event happen so I feel you but nothing is worth losing my sobriety for. I am working my recovery a bit more lately and I blessed that I know what I am and all the good things I have.
Remember that everything becomes yesterday's news. Who cares....you know how well you have done. No one can touch that nor take it from you. Huggs.
Stay strong and move on.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
.......on the other hand, I think you'll find that as time passes you'll gradually be proud of your sobriety and it won't matter who knows and who doesn't. I tell ppl all the time that I don't drink, that I'm a recovered alcoholic and that I'm in AA. I'm proud of myself, my new life and everything that has to do with sobriety.
Come to think of it, "sobriety" was a big topic of discussion in my interview for the job I currently have. The guy asked me: tell me something about you that I wouldn't suspect from looking at you. -- I replied: I've had 3dui's and am a recovered alcoholic in AA.
(granted, that WAS risky......but it was a calculated risk and I took it. It paid off for me.......your mileage may vary
)
LOL..... needless to say, it made for a pretty cool interview. We talked like normal ppl about something he found interesting. He got to know the real me and......I'll virtually guarantee....I "stood out" from anyone else he interviewed.
Come to think of it, "sobriety" was a big topic of discussion in my interview for the job I currently have. The guy asked me: tell me something about you that I wouldn't suspect from looking at you. -- I replied: I've had 3dui's and am a recovered alcoholic in AA.
(granted, that WAS risky......but it was a calculated risk and I took it. It paid off for me.......your mileage may vary
)LOL..... needless to say, it made for a pretty cool interview. We talked like normal ppl about something he found interesting. He got to know the real me and......I'll virtually guarantee....I "stood out" from anyone else he interviewed.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm sure your friend meant it when she said she was proud of you.
How much of a "secret" was your drinking? Some of us hide it carefully, but even then, by the time we are ready to quit, it ususally isn't as much of a secret as we think.
I assume you've told your friend that you would prefer to share this information when and as you choose to do so, and hopefully she will respect that in the future.
As Carol noted, your resentment will cause you far more harm than the original gossip, if you let it.
Hold your head up--you've got 66 days!
How much of a "secret" was your drinking? Some of us hide it carefully, but even then, by the time we are ready to quit, it ususally isn't as much of a secret as we think.
I assume you've told your friend that you would prefer to share this information when and as you choose to do so, and hopefully she will respect that in the future.
As Carol noted, your resentment will cause you far more harm than the original gossip, if you let it.
Hold your head up--you've got 66 days!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
when i first stopped drinking I felt it was a very personal decision...I told few people as I just did not want it to be a topic of discussion.
Mr. Fandy and i are separated....I do not get along with his huge gossipy family for good reason...so he decided to share my sobriety and couldn't understand why it upset me....and Ann is correct. I simply do not want to be the subject of gossip and dinner conversation..It's not for Mr. Fandy to share my actions.
He said "don't you want them to know how well you are doing"? and I replied that I did not want them to know ANYTHING about me....i don't like them, or plan on seeing them again...(I feel that when his mother dies, the grass around the area they bury her in will turn black).
the point i mean is that it is YOUR sobriety and YOUR decision to share it....when YOU want to....I do share with people that I no longer drink, but it's on my terms when i am comfortable to do this....
Mr. Fandy and i are separated....I do not get along with his huge gossipy family for good reason...so he decided to share my sobriety and couldn't understand why it upset me....and Ann is correct. I simply do not want to be the subject of gossip and dinner conversation..It's not for Mr. Fandy to share my actions.
He said "don't you want them to know how well you are doing"? and I replied that I did not want them to know ANYTHING about me....i don't like them, or plan on seeing them again...(I feel that when his mother dies, the grass around the area they bury her in will turn black).
the point i mean is that it is YOUR sobriety and YOUR decision to share it....when YOU want to....I do share with people that I no longer drink, but it's on my terms when i am comfortable to do this....
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
I'm with Hollyanne about drinking poison and expecting it to poison the other.
Let me add that you feel betrayed and rightfully so I think.
If so then would you solve that betrayal by betraying yourself and drinking again?
Many alcoholics use any feeling, good and bad, as an excuse to act out any feeling, good or bad, by drinking.
Happy occasion? Let's drink!
Sad occasion? Let's drink!
Betrayal? Let's drink!
Sadness? Lets drink!
Joy? Let's drink!
Anger? let's drink!
Grieving? Let's drink!
Disappointed in yourself? Let's drink!
Afraid? Let's drink!
Guilt? let's drink!
Why? Because drinking dulls the feelings and makes us ignore the need for a response for ourselves. It dulls our feelings until we feel nothing including the good feelings.
Sobriety brings those feelings back from external and internal stimulus. And at first they seem amplified.
And we have to learn to deal with them all over again and take the good with the bad.
We see lots of I made it to day/week/months/years of sobriety all the time. And some folks post about a wonderful day or event.
Drinking dulls the good feelings as well. Sobriety amplifies them too!
Ever read or hear someone say that they had a wonderful day and everyone and everything that happened that day was so intensly satisfying and affirming that they decided to drink away their joy and relapse?
Of course not!
I can understand your feeling betrayed. But as said before here, others aren't as sensitive and some want to tell the world they are so happy to be among the feeling crowd again, the doing crowd, the able crowd by being sober.
Believe it or not I was disappointed in my wife when I went through detox over the same issue. But instead of being sensitive about it, I told her to let anybody that asked know after I made it through the detox program, especially her Dad Mom and brother. I told my two boys before I went in. It turns out that she was embarrassed to talk about it, even though she was totally supportive before during and after my decision to stop.
Me, I personally I don't care who knows I am sober and did whatever it took to get here, if asked. And will do whatever it takes to stay here. As if the sober ones and gossips haven't already decided I was a drunk by seeing me drink during the morning openly on my property, or hearing about it because that is a negative, and a page one gossip item. How many folks will think someone doing well and getting sober is worth the page one headline? None really as it isn't juicy gossip, and worthy only of a page six sentence once.
That not to say I don't think your feelings of betrayal are legit and painful. And I won't offer you my alternatives to deal with that pain, but ask you to actually make a list of what you can do about it from worst solution to best, try to come up with at least ten items some crazy some great but write them down. Then cross out the ones that won't achieve your goal, which you haven't specified yet. And yes you can put down as one alternative to drink and thereby not have to solve it, but instead add one more problem to the ones we all have to deal with in a well lived life, worse a self inflicted one. Or to do nothing as that is a choice too.
Some of us out ourselves. Others are more sensitive. But in most cases our friends family and co-workers already know.
Hang in there bud, ya made it this far!
Let me add that you feel betrayed and rightfully so I think.
If so then would you solve that betrayal by betraying yourself and drinking again?
Many alcoholics use any feeling, good and bad, as an excuse to act out any feeling, good or bad, by drinking.
Happy occasion? Let's drink!
Sad occasion? Let's drink!
Betrayal? Let's drink!
Sadness? Lets drink!
Joy? Let's drink!
Anger? let's drink!
Grieving? Let's drink!
Disappointed in yourself? Let's drink!
Afraid? Let's drink!
Guilt? let's drink!
Why? Because drinking dulls the feelings and makes us ignore the need for a response for ourselves. It dulls our feelings until we feel nothing including the good feelings.
Sobriety brings those feelings back from external and internal stimulus. And at first they seem amplified.
And we have to learn to deal with them all over again and take the good with the bad.
We see lots of I made it to day/week/months/years of sobriety all the time. And some folks post about a wonderful day or event.
Drinking dulls the good feelings as well. Sobriety amplifies them too!
Ever read or hear someone say that they had a wonderful day and everyone and everything that happened that day was so intensly satisfying and affirming that they decided to drink away their joy and relapse?
Of course not!
I can understand your feeling betrayed. But as said before here, others aren't as sensitive and some want to tell the world they are so happy to be among the feeling crowd again, the doing crowd, the able crowd by being sober.
Believe it or not I was disappointed in my wife when I went through detox over the same issue. But instead of being sensitive about it, I told her to let anybody that asked know after I made it through the detox program, especially her Dad Mom and brother. I told my two boys before I went in. It turns out that she was embarrassed to talk about it, even though she was totally supportive before during and after my decision to stop.
Me, I personally I don't care who knows I am sober and did whatever it took to get here, if asked. And will do whatever it takes to stay here. As if the sober ones and gossips haven't already decided I was a drunk by seeing me drink during the morning openly on my property, or hearing about it because that is a negative, and a page one gossip item. How many folks will think someone doing well and getting sober is worth the page one headline? None really as it isn't juicy gossip, and worthy only of a page six sentence once.
That not to say I don't think your feelings of betrayal are legit and painful. And I won't offer you my alternatives to deal with that pain, but ask you to actually make a list of what you can do about it from worst solution to best, try to come up with at least ten items some crazy some great but write them down. Then cross out the ones that won't achieve your goal, which you haven't specified yet. And yes you can put down as one alternative to drink and thereby not have to solve it, but instead add one more problem to the ones we all have to deal with in a well lived life, worse a self inflicted one. Or to do nothing as that is a choice too.
Some of us out ourselves. Others are more sensitive. But in most cases our friends family and co-workers already know.
Hang in there bud, ya made it this far!
Re-Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: Colorado Springs, Colorado
Posts: 7,583
One more thing is to not expect people to read your mind. If you are sensitive about who knows, anybody you tell make sure you discuss that you'd prefer they keep it private between the two of you. If you want the world to know, then find the biggest gossip you know and tell him or her. You might find some real friends and support from the most unexpected quarters.
Remember the old axiom that "two can keep a secret if one is dead." If you don't want it getting out then keep it to yourself as long as you want.
But do be fair in discussing your preferences in who knows that with spouses or others that you tell or will know you are trying to quit.
Remember the old axiom that "two can keep a secret if one is dead." If you don't want it getting out then keep it to yourself as long as you want.
But do be fair in discussing your preferences in who knows that with spouses or others that you tell or will know you are trying to quit.
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