NEOMARXIST

Going to go back to my local AA meeting tomorrow night. It seems like an AA meeting feels like the only place that feels 'right' to go to and I know it's time for me to go back.

I guess this week has stirred up a lot of uncomfortable and painful (for me) emotions and feelings that I experinced as I grew older. I drank over this stuff and it was easier to just block it out than to feel the frustration. I hate that frustrated feeling.

I guess it's such a big change and my routine has been totally changed and I'm overthinking things way too much, being way too hard and critical on myself. I think that's why AA is good as it helps me get perspective on the situation. I have to watch my mood and depressive tendencies as I suffered in the past terribly. It always surprises me how people consider drinking one or two, for me then that isn't the case, I find myself looking at graveyards or parks or underpasses and briefly thinking of just blocking out my own mind and thinking, of course alcohol magically did that for me. I won't do of course but when my head starts to go then it wears me out.

I guess I ain;t doing badly but I just am feeling frustrated again and scared that I won't be able to progress and get a girlfriend and all that bullsh*t. I guess I've come a long way being that's my major worry/concern but to me it feels massive. But maybe that's because I've slipped into a little depressive mood. I guess it's difficult having to just put up with these uncomfortable feelings and there's a tendency to want to just 'drop out' for a few hours.

I think with me then I used to like drinking as it was peace for a few hours and no worries at all. I am finding my mind trying to worry about things, stupid things, and I'm trying to keep it in the day but I'm annoyed that I haven't progressed. I think I'm over questioning myself and my life and that does me no good, it just makes me feel tortured and insecure and lonely and that isn't good either.

Today went good I suppose. I think a lot of my drinking was to escape myself and my insecurities and shyness and worry and all of the other stuff that I can run riot with. I guess a part of me feels like it wants to sabotage itself, which is bizarre.

I'm going back to AA tomorrow and it's good to know it's there. I guess raking up all of my old insecurites and shyness with women is really starting to bug me again and I just would like to say F*ck it. But of course I won't and have no intention of doing. It's sh*t drinking alone on a bench but then it can seem so appealing, not so much the drinking but the ability to just not hear my mind. My thoughts can be so noisey when I am off balance and alcohol just made my head STFU.

Sorry if the post is a little negative, my day actually turned out OK. MY problems truly are all in my head but that isn;t much consolation knowing that.

I know I'm an alcoholic. There is no question about that, that never is an issue with me. It makes it all the more scarier in some ways though as my thoughts of dropping out really are dropping out. I don't want to drink but rather feel frustrated and it is stuff that appears to have been raked up. Drinking would kill me, I have no soubts about that, but when my thinking goes depressed then it really doesn' bother me either. I always said I would gladly have drank myself to death and only would have cared when the booze was wearing off. Insanity for sure but it doesn;t do any harm to get it out of my own head, better than bottling it all up. I'll get through this and it will make me stronger. Maybe even at 15 months sober I am trying to feel like I should be starting to run when I should just continue nurturing my recovery and making sure I look after the basics. I think it's easier to start wondering what you're doing in your life outside of work etcetc. Is evryone having such a great time? Who knows?

Snarf

I feel ya man. Sometimes I just want to shut everything out and withdraw into my little hole. When those depressive feelings start it's difficult not to revert back to the way we used to deal with them. I think you've hit the nail on the head with going back to a meeting. They always help to ground me when I need it.

Thanks for checking in. I'm glad your day has turned out OK, and I hope it continues to get better.

24hrsAday

than you for sharing Neo.. A.A. Meetings are good places in my neck of the woods.. i can Relate to Everything you are talking about here.. Many of Us can.. it all gets Sorted out.. in Time. ODAAT! You Rock Mate!

bellakeller

I find that though it's made a HUGE difference in my life, AA still isn't able to cover everything. I still need to go to therapy and see a shrink. I also need to visit the doctor and dentist regularly and take care of my other physical needs at least adequately.

Also, some things that fall out of AA end up getting picked up by another 12-step fellowship - ACoA (Adult Children of Alcoholics). Even though I am not a child of an alkie, I still have the traits of being one. So some of my inner wonkiness gets addressed through this work.

When forced to choose due to time constraints, though, my sobriety work comes first above all else. So some days I may be just stuck in the present and that's about all I can accomplish for that day but even my most ineffectual days sober are way better than my best day drunk.

FBL

Stay strong, Neo. I've found that most of my problems were self-inflicted and they seem to be fading away the longer I stay sober. I've had to deal with some internal issues that resulted in my drinking, but they seem to be getting resolved little by little. Remember, life is a journey and there will be bumps along the way. It's how we deal with these bumps in a sober and rational manner that will guide us through.

Kerbcrawler

Hey Neo, stay strong mate, a journey down memory lane..re,living the imaginary good times can never be the same...as you have grown so much as a person, in strength and wisdom..and your acheiving so much you never could, being a drunk on a park bench, had a bit of a stumble myself..re,visiting the person i used to be..not a pleasant experience..your setting a fine example..good on you mate..keep it going.

Draciack

Thanks for sharing, Neo

When I started University a couple of months, everything got topsy-turvy: new responsibilities, commitments, opportunities, failures, successes, moving too fast, moving too slow and of course girls and finding my place on a campus that thrives off alcohol. It took time to adjust--hell, I'm still adjusting. It takes time.

(An aside: I have no concept of pace. I want that SUPER sobriety right now...but it doesn't work like that and sometimes it's tough to see that moving slow is okay too.)

I completely relate to the mind stuff. For me, peace comes from quieting my mind.

Good luck, man. Stay strong.

Anna

Neo,

One of the things I have learned is 'Don't try to control the outcome'. For me, this is a daily struggle and it's not something I have mastered. But, I try to keep it firmly in my mind at all times. I am prone to self-sabotage/depression/anxiety too. It seems that when I have those negative feelings, it's because of pain I am feeling by trying to control what happens.

You're being hard on yourself and you know that. Try to not focus on the girlfriend issue. The right woman will come along for you when the time is right. Know that it will happen, and try to let go.

And, remind yourself that you're doing great!

Kjell

Neo - my man!

Dude...I know exactly what you mean about prior insecurities creeping back up. I hate to admit it, but alcohol and drugs was my main form of courage when it came to the ladies. I'm still on "dating restriction", but I'm nervous as heck about dating sober in a few months when my one year "dating restriction" is over.

I bet you're doing better than you give yourself credit for and I totally understand - we want to be super duper sober right now...but it doesn't work that way.

Also, being an alcoholic in recovery has it's advantages. Do you know of any other group of people that live each day as best they can, striving to only stay in the moment, and truly wanting to help others? Take advantage of that my friend and never stop learning.

Your posts and experiences here on SR has helped us all and this one is no different.

Get up, dust yourself off, and do what you need to do to feel better. You already know the answer

Mcribb

Biology screws with you when you suck with woman. You want to reproduce, but you can't. I tried food for awhile (eating it not trying to reproduce with it)

milwaukeeguy85

I feel that way quite often neo, and so much so that a couple of times it has driven me back to the bars in search of my "soulmate". One thing I learned about the whole women issue, is that even when I was drinking a ton etc... I would find the most meaningful relationships in such unmeaningful or awkward circumstances.

You can't really be looking for a woman, but rather have your eyes open when the opportunity arises. I have been in 2 really serious meaningful relationships but then I remember how much drinking on both our parts comprimised them and ultimately destroyed them. BUT.... The silver lining is that I may be lonely now, but in the end I will get a better thing out of it than I have ever known. What I have considered meaningful in the past may mean nothing without the substance abuse in my life.

I understand how it sucks to go through a tough day and not have someone to relax with, enjoy each others company, and even possibly have sex with, all things that having someone does to alleviate stress and make your life better.

Part of it may have to do with just living life and learning how to deal with those feelings without the aid of a bottle, or drugs, or whatever your poison of choice may be. You are not alone in regards to this man. I think a lot of why I personally turned to the bottle (and you maybe as well) is to hide your bashfulness from the opposite sex. I know drinking makes it a lot easier for me to achieve certain goals, but it is instant gratification and truly meaningless in the end.

milwaukeeguy85

and as far as the negative posting goes.... do not feel bad about it at all. The only days I even come on this board are when I need to get things off my chest or am struggling, and it is a very hard thing to do to bust out of that shell and admit to yourself what is bothering you. As you said in the past you may have tried to "numb" it but in reality you are just amplifying the issues you are dealing with, especially when you are hung over the next day and accomplished nothing positive, and then once again the cycle repeats itself.

Dee74

hey Neo - I remember going to Uni was a big upheaval for me and quite overwhelming for a few weeks - I think it is for anyone, alcoholic or not...I think nearly everyone in that situation gets scared and doubts themselves - but you'll find you'll get more comfortable there I'm sure

I think you should maybe cut yourself some slack on this one. The social skills will come too - they need practice just like any thing else.

And stress relief is a big one too - if you haven't got any strategies, it's probably a good time to check some out - music, exercise, meditation - they're all helpful to me.

And as for other folk - I don't doubt there's folk on campus who are having a great time and living large in all aspects...but really - so what?

We know that that's not for us, and we know how hollow that lifestyle can be.
Whats the aphorism about comparing your insides to other peoples outsides? We can never know what's really going on with other folk anyway, we can only know whats going on with ourselves, and whats best for us.

You're building an amazing life for yourself Neo - don't doubt that...look at how far you've come. My advice is don't rush it or force the pace...build those foundations solidly and everything else will be gravy, mate

Try and stay in the day, man
D

Ronan

Hey NEO, I totally can relate to that post. For me, college was going from one extreme (my comfort zone) to one in which everyone is young and free and happy. The dark side of life that I've witnessed is a million miles away from these people. You just have to spend 5 minutes in the college café listening to the intoxicating bliss of fresh faced students sharing stories of how drunk and 'fun' they were the night before.

What did I do before when I had a change in my comfort zone? I drank. Drinking enabled me to be 'out there' but also to remain in my comfort zone. Because of this I never grew. I never grew emotionally or socially. Of course you know the story that I ran back to drinking to try and fit in and make friends, but of course I haven't talked to any of these people since my bender because I realised exactly what I was doing and exactly what would happen if I continued to associate with the other wasters who before would have been my buddies.

So what have I done since? Well firstly I've put my head into the books. I have a lot of assignments coming up and the sense of achievement I get from learning something new or applying something I have learned to a real world situation is awesome - a feeling I haven't known for a long time.
I'm finding that I know more people around the college already after a month. I mean I don't exactly have a million best mates in college but I've realised that true friendships (friendships that don't revolve around "what time will I see you in the pub, then?") will happen organically. And it begins with these small steps. As alcoholics I think we have a tendency to want everything immediately. I want a GF right now! or I want 10 awesome fun friends right now! It all happens organically..

I'm still completely nervous and shy. I mean one minute I'll be having great fun talking to someone new, and the next someone might come up and start a conversation and I'll totally freeze. I find myself walking up to the college in the morning repeating to myself "CONFIDENCE, RONAN, CONFIDENCE!!".

My depression has also come back a bit. I recently broke up with my girlfriend. She was my rock, and I wouldn't be sober right now if it wasn't for her. I owe her the world and it's unbelievably hard but sometimes you just have to let someone go... But life goes on. I used to tell myself that when I first got sober. I can drink all I want, but life goes on. When I drink it just passes me by.


You know the story anyway NEO, you'll have an awesome time soon and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about.

Stay good my man!

wpainterw

Neo: I can identify with the way you're feeling now. Hang in there and things will get better for you. When you give up alcohol it's a little like being out in the cold and not having the clothes you used to be able to wear before, and it tends to be boring at first since you were kidding yourself that when you drank you were having a good time. Alcohol was your pal and you're feeling lonely now. And your body got used to the stuff and plays tricks with your mind to get it back.
Believe me, it will get better and better if you hang in there. But it will take time, patience, and courage. And boy is it ever worth it! You're going to win this one. Believe in yourself and it will get better. Every good wish to you. You are in my thoughts and I'm sure everyone else feels this way.

W.

Toronto68

Something you said the other day made me wonder whether you were dealing with a girl issue (or shyness issue).

I don't want to shower you with all kinds of pick-me-ups. I know writing is not the same as being face to face, but there is a pleasant nature to you that I picked up on before (I think) I saw any mention of being a musician. People in general are usually drawn to musicians. (And don't women usually see a guy as multiple times more appealing the minute he is behind a microphone or holding a guitar? Ha ha)

Everyday interaction is not the same thing as playing music (or writing).

But is the person who flourishes in one context always so different in another? Is the you who does well at spelling out your feelings and being truthful and conscientious about sobriety all that different from the person who wants to own his life as he goes down the hall or through the parking lot, and when girls are around?

Maybe it feels like more than one person, but all in one life and one owner of the life.

I am familiar with my own version of what you are talking about. There are people who have no idea I am shy, and others who would say I cannot function in a gregarious way. I wrestle with the differences and have thought about whether I have multiple personalities even today. I was working well, I thought, in a work context (not a "boy meets girl" one) that required an operative word called confidence yesterday, and then had to deal with someone saying things that sacked my confidence today, and that created a timidity in me. But then I told the person they were not being helpful and why, and then the person told me they were impressed that I had the guts to say so rather than to be silent. (Which person am I?)

Perception is everything, even when it is not true. Who's watching? Maybe you're watching yourself and getting in the way in the process.

It's all your life. If it doesn't work well enough one day, try it again the next. Your life is still there, and all the other sides to you that are comfortable at being what they are will be there too. And you have yourself to thank for much of that. Remember your grounded and equilibrium theories and practices. Those work in sobriety and also in the other pieces of life. All of that is in the same person. Take on what you can handle one day, then more the next, then try again the next, etc. Don't put the world on one teaspoon.

XO

HIgby442

I dont know if this helps, but I try and think of each low period, where I dont drink now like a building block on how to deal with stuff in the future. I think back to the last 10-11 years of my life and I always drank and never actually dealt with stuff. Now, I am like a new person in life learning how to deal with stuff-living life on life's terms I guess. I have notice in my recovery that there have been lots of ups and downs, some downs I didnt think I was going to make it through. BUT-eveytime I made it through the low times, each subsequent low time got easier to deal with. Not easier in the sense of "of that wasnt so bad" but in sense of being able to step back from the situation, learn from it and grow. In my drinking days I never grew from the tough times-I just blacked myself out. So, its no wonder that now, at age 28 things that seem 2nd nature to lots of people seem so frustrating.

But, I think the key is: You're not drinking now. You're coming out of each situation a stronger person, better equipped to deal with stuff in the future.

Its not easy, but you're doing all the right things. Sometimes it seems overbearing, but try and focus on the good side of it. In getting sober, I realized that the real me is actually a "glass is half full" kind of guy-and I like that. Its helped me focus on the good stuff and not to dwell on the bad. Its not to say I never get frustrated-because I do. But the key is I am able to get out of it to and move on.

Hang in there, and just know that this is but a brief challenge that will continue to improve.

All the best

NEOMARXIST

Just an update. I was going to write earlier as my day went really well and I felt good but thought I would wait until I was ready for bed and had been to my meeting and my day was over.

Thank you so much for all of the support I received and your replies and I went to bed last night feeling lots better.

I am pleased that I shared what I was feeling yesterday,so to get it out of my own head and stop the rot, so to speak.

I know for me then reaching out is essential in my recovery and I will be always grateful for it when I gain my balance back and the clarity of thought. I am so grateful for SR as an outlet for me to be able to this and to be allowed and made to feel comfortable in doing this.

The meeting was good and gave me something to look forward to. It was cool to share and great to see everybody again. They were genuinely pleased for me and I'm grateful for AA too.

Peace

Dee74

have a good weekend mate

D