ugh
EntertheSticks
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 139
ugh
Well I started one of my old cycles again. It began thursday and ended sunday afternoon and frankly I didn't even do anything bad this time. I guess I just feel empty and terrible inside from it. Frankly the same exact feelings I had that even lead me to start again last Thursday have not subsided nor intensified.
I have tried so many things to get my life together: starting new activities, trying to take things one day at a time, looking for answers within myself as to why I started doing what I do and it just doesn't seem like it matters. I think I am becoming depressed again. It is like I am spinning around in circles inside my mind that I cannot accept the fact that I need to live a new life. It is not like I am not trying, not thinking about doing the right thing, and I really do not have "cravings" that many on hear speak of.
To me it is just missing the social interactions, getting through the bored lonely nights, and generally I have nothing to look forward to other than working which is even starting to wear on me. I feel like I am slipping in to such a dark place again and it is like I care so much, but at the same time I dont care at all. I am so angry right now at myself, but at the same time its like I hate sobriety almost as much as what I do when I am not sober.
I know what is the best decision but it is like I am at the point where I really don't care anymore. I guess I do care, or I wouldn't be posting here, but I am really at my wits end. I wish I could just hit the reset button on life or something, or just run away and never come back. I am not sure whether I was at a lower point today, or before this binge even began. I know this isn't an easy thing to do, but I just almost wish I could just hurry up, turn 40, have my health problems catch up with me , and eventually die. Do not construe this as some suicidal thought, more so just the fact that I feel like no matter what I do I think I am going to be completely miserable. I have tried so many things, and to be honest SR has helped the most, but even reading others and talking with others is starting to lose its effect. I am at a complete loss right now and almost feel like I am in a lower and darker place than I have been even when I was doing over the top things and destroying my life one part at a time.
To be honest I am not even sure what the point of this post is, but for me it seems like vocalizing or trying to vocalize how I feel is the only thing that helps.
I have tried so many things to get my life together: starting new activities, trying to take things one day at a time, looking for answers within myself as to why I started doing what I do and it just doesn't seem like it matters. I think I am becoming depressed again. It is like I am spinning around in circles inside my mind that I cannot accept the fact that I need to live a new life. It is not like I am not trying, not thinking about doing the right thing, and I really do not have "cravings" that many on hear speak of.
To me it is just missing the social interactions, getting through the bored lonely nights, and generally I have nothing to look forward to other than working which is even starting to wear on me. I feel like I am slipping in to such a dark place again and it is like I care so much, but at the same time I dont care at all. I am so angry right now at myself, but at the same time its like I hate sobriety almost as much as what I do when I am not sober.
I know what is the best decision but it is like I am at the point where I really don't care anymore. I guess I do care, or I wouldn't be posting here, but I am really at my wits end. I wish I could just hit the reset button on life or something, or just run away and never come back. I am not sure whether I was at a lower point today, or before this binge even began. I know this isn't an easy thing to do, but I just almost wish I could just hurry up, turn 40, have my health problems catch up with me , and eventually die. Do not construe this as some suicidal thought, more so just the fact that I feel like no matter what I do I think I am going to be completely miserable. I have tried so many things, and to be honest SR has helped the most, but even reading others and talking with others is starting to lose its effect. I am at a complete loss right now and almost feel like I am in a lower and darker place than I have been even when I was doing over the top things and destroying my life one part at a time.
To be honest I am not even sure what the point of this post is, but for me it seems like vocalizing or trying to vocalize how I feel is the only thing that helps.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Originally Posted by milwaukeeguy85 
I wish I could just hit the reset button on life or something, or just run away and never come back.
...just the fact that I feel like no matter what I do I think I am going to be completely miserable.
...just the fact that I feel like no matter what I do I think I am going to be completely miserable.
Edd
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,473
Hi MWguy,
I do wonder if you've talked to your dr about the idea that might be depressed.
I couldn't begin to recover until I had my depression diagnosed and treated.
Please do not give up.
I do wonder if you've talked to your dr about the idea that might be depressed.
I couldn't begin to recover until I had my depression diagnosed and treated.
Please do not give up.
EntertheSticks
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 139
The thing is that I have suffered from severe depression in the past, but then again I so was intoxicated all the time that I did not even realize it half the time until it got super super bad to the point where I had to go to great lengths and develop an extensive recovery plan with my psychologist to get my ship a bit righted.
Maybe This is all just me adjusting, I am not sure, but one thing is I cannot go on like this being sober or not being sober because it will really make no difference if I cannot get my ship righted.
Thank you, and you are probably right, if I dont start to feel better in the next couple days I will probably start seeing a therapist again. Unfortunately the cost of that is enormous as it is a large on going process. I just think I am learning how to deal with my negative emotions without the use of mind altering substances and I have never really learned to deal with any of these issues the proper way. I will not quit trying, i am just severely frustrated and beaten down and its like I am almost becoming more depressed because I can not take the simple step of not picking up a stupid bottle of liquid and swallowing it. that is all drinking is. Its just hard to cope with the fact that I cannot let go of this stupid activity that has done nothing but hurt my life, destroy my psych, and set my emotional and spiritual development back so much. The only thing about going to a shrink that has set me back a bit is the fact that the guy i used to go to is no longer an option and the other 2 before him were POS jerks. i guess it will have to be a trial and error thing like so much of life.
Maybe This is all just me adjusting, I am not sure, but one thing is I cannot go on like this being sober or not being sober because it will really make no difference if I cannot get my ship righted.
Thank you, and you are probably right, if I dont start to feel better in the next couple days I will probably start seeing a therapist again. Unfortunately the cost of that is enormous as it is a large on going process. I just think I am learning how to deal with my negative emotions without the use of mind altering substances and I have never really learned to deal with any of these issues the proper way. I will not quit trying, i am just severely frustrated and beaten down and its like I am almost becoming more depressed because I can not take the simple step of not picking up a stupid bottle of liquid and swallowing it. that is all drinking is. Its just hard to cope with the fact that I cannot let go of this stupid activity that has done nothing but hurt my life, destroy my psych, and set my emotional and spiritual development back so much. The only thing about going to a shrink that has set me back a bit is the fact that the guy i used to go to is no longer an option and the other 2 before him were POS jerks. i guess it will have to be a trial and error thing like so much of life.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Are you willing to go to any lengths to get and remain sober? There's a program that has helped me and millions of others get off the booze and stay off. And unlike the cost associated with therapy, there is no charge for the help it offers.
I tried AA 4 years ago and didn't think it was for me, so I went back to drinking. 4 years later, I had lost jobs, destroyed relationships, been incarcerated and lost my driver's license. I went back into those AA rooms 6 months ago, and through the power of AA and SR.com, I haven't had a drink since that night of my last arrest on March 24 of this year.
There are countless people in the program who would love to help you. If you'll let them, you can experience a great change in your life as so many others have for over 75 years. I hope you will consider it and I pray that you are able to become rid of this affliction that has destroyed the lives of so many people for so many years.
I tried AA 4 years ago and didn't think it was for me, so I went back to drinking. 4 years later, I had lost jobs, destroyed relationships, been incarcerated and lost my driver's license. I went back into those AA rooms 6 months ago, and through the power of AA and SR.com, I haven't had a drink since that night of my last arrest on March 24 of this year.
There are countless people in the program who would love to help you. If you'll let them, you can experience a great change in your life as so many others have for over 75 years. I hope you will consider it and I pray that you are able to become rid of this affliction that has destroyed the lives of so many people for so many years.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,373
Hi MW
I remember how hard it was to live sober - I'd not done it for 20 years, alcohol had been my constant companion, and it meant losing the drinking buddies that had been my social circle.
It's so much harder to try and reconstruct your life alone.
I think support is vital - whether you find it here, in a group like AA or through counselling - I would certainly follow up on the therapy idea - I think many of us are dealing with other issues and problems besides alcoholism as well.
Let us know what happens.
D
I remember how hard it was to live sober - I'd not done it for 20 years, alcohol had been my constant companion, and it meant losing the drinking buddies that had been my social circle.
It's so much harder to try and reconstruct your life alone.
I think support is vital - whether you find it here, in a group like AA or through counselling - I would certainly follow up on the therapy idea - I think many of us are dealing with other issues and problems besides alcoholism as well.
Let us know what happens.
D
EntertheSticks
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 139
I am trying to take it as far as I can believe me. That is the frustrating part: I realize my problem, realize the consequences of that problem, realize that is not who I am, realize that is not who I want to be, I get that part fully 100 pct.
Maybe I will give AA more of a chance but I just found myself thinking about drinking even more when I started going to AA. I think I just need to adjust and keep working at it. I have overcome many things, it is just really hard when you wake up in the morning and it is just as hard to get out of bed sober as it is to get out of bed when you are hung over.
Maybe I will give AA more of a chance but I just found myself thinking about drinking even more when I started going to AA. I think I just need to adjust and keep working at it. I have overcome many things, it is just really hard when you wake up in the morning and it is just as hard to get out of bed sober as it is to get out of bed when you are hung over.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Originally Posted by milwaukeeguy85
I am trying to take it as far as I can believe me. That is the frustrating part: I realize my problem, realize the consequences of that problem, realize that is not who I am, realize that is not who I want to be, I get that part fully 100 pct.
Maybe I will give AA more of a chance but I just found myself thinking about drinking even more when I started going to AA. I think I just need to adjust and keep working at it. I have overcome many things, it is just really hard when you wake up in the morning and it is just as hard to get out of bed sober as it is to get out of bed when you are hung over.
Maybe I will give AA more of a chance but I just found myself thinking about drinking even more when I started going to AA. I think I just need to adjust and keep working at it. I have overcome many things, it is just really hard when you wake up in the morning and it is just as hard to get out of bed sober as it is to get out of bed when you are hung over.
I don't like any of those 3 choices, and the only way for me to avoid them is to not drink at all. And like I said, AA and SR have been the keys to my recovery. I sincerely hope you give it a shot. If you do it with an open mind and an open heart, I truly believe that wonderful things can happen for you. We weren't made to suffer throughout our existence. We are supposed to savor and enjoy our very fleeting time on this planet. And I thank God that I've found a way to do just that. I pray you will as well.
We're all here for you. Coming here and talking things out before having a drink can help tremendously. Please allow people help you; by doing so, it helps them in turn. And then one day you can pass that along to others and the cycle continues, and one by one we can all wake up and see a brighter day and a better life.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by milwaukeeguy85
I just found myself thinking about drinking even more when I started going to AA.
I see hundreds of people every year fail to stay sober by 'going to AA.' Just going to AA may work for some people. But for those alcoholics described in the BB, going to meetings and hanging around a support group was wholly insufficient for recovery.
The AA program is a specific, precise set of actions that lead to a spiritual experience sufficient to overcome alcoholism. I have never seen it fail for someone that really does it.
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