NEOMARXIST

As long as I remember where I came from and why I decided to get sober then it gives me peace and settles me down. There are so many different things which I don't find as easy as I suppose I feel I sometimes should. I guess I am naturally hard on myself. I have confidence in my abilities but lacking in other aspects of my life, I feel anyway. I guess I struggle with what most people would see as being the easy stuff that just comes naturally to them.

I think it's so true what they say about alcohol abuse stopping your emotional growth from the age when you become to rely on it. That can be how I feel but I ain't going to dwell on it and just let things sort themselves out naturally in good time.

I am always making sure that I put my recovery first as without my recovery I would quite literally having nothing. I guess a trait of mine is that I can overthink and am quite senstitive on the inside, although people would probably think to look at me that I was totally sorted. I feel like that much of the time but then very vulnerable at other times when my mood and self-confidence goes lower.

I think that in recovery then we have to feel everything without being able to go and forget it all for a night out or a session to temporarily block out our insecurities or whatever.

I guess I know where I would like to reach and it's a process which was totally wrecked by alcohol and drug abuse both directly and indirectly. It isn't at all material or anything like that but with me then all of my problems were/are all in my own mind. It's a daily work in progress.

Anyway I wanted to share as it does me good to get what I'm feeling out. It funny as i've had feelings and emotions/insecurites that I haven't felt for a long time. One day at a time helps me so much.

Also knowing that I'm an alcoholic and addict helps me so much. Without that total acceptance then I know I wouldn't be so solid on my path. It's easy for the mind to wish for things in ways which serve no purpose but cause self-pity and painful feelings. When I remember where i came from then it makes me think that I ain;t doing too badly and things will all come together in good time. I love my recovery and I love SR.

Peace

least

Remembering where I came from helps me stay sober each day 'cause I never want to go back to that awful place.

Draciack

Thanks for the share Neo

Alcoholism and addiction undermine so much. Lessons I thought I had learned were gone in sobriety, and early on I felt completely exposed to the world, flaws and all.

Great post.

bellakeller

Never forget the hell that brought you here.

NEOMARXIST

Thanks for your 'thanks' and replies. Much appreciated. I have noticed my mood a little lower the last couple of days. Nothing unusual in that and in my second week of University it's to be expected.

It's funny because i have felt feelings/emotions that I had not felt from when I was at University before. I have the experince now though to see the end result and why I want to get my degree. That's not to say that my mind doesn't question the nature of people and the systems and man made ideoligies that everybody just participates in. I guess I just have a very questioning mind and sometimes I can feel like humans just created stress and hassle for themselves by the rules and rat race they created.

But I shall not give it too much thought as afterall I'm an alcoholic so I guess it's the alcoholic in me that feeds on my lower mood and thinks that the alkie on the bench who dropped out from life maybe ain't so crazy afterall? I'm just getting out what's in my head, so not to allow the feelings to gain strength. I guess most people wouldn't view alcohol and just the ability to drop out of life as something to consider as any logic behind it.

Drinking doesn't bother me and neither does the work or anything. I think I just feel a little stuck in relation to my shyness and knowing how to proceed on a social level. Nothing to do with drinking but I guess I'm feeling these concerns and anxieties and so my mind tries to go into a drop out of life introverted and self-pity mode! But I have learned not to pander to this type of thinking and shall continue to work my recovery and feel what I have to feel. I know the upside of this is great as that is recovery, like a curve of feeling off balance and then gradually gaining in strength and clarity of thought.

Again I come back to the emotional age being younger than what I would consider to be where I should feel at. I guess I just used alcohol to cover up my shyness and anxeties with particularly women. I suppose being an alcoholic makes it harder to proceed on a social level too as I ain't going to be wanting to go to regular haunts. But I guess I'm racing ahead of myself and like I say one day at a time is essential for a mind like mine or else i just tie myself in knots and achieve nothing.

I guess I'm tired too as I was up at 6.00am which is early for me!! I'm doing what I have to do though and 'playing the game'. Nobody listens to your message from a park bench, even though your message is probably not far from the truth! Or maybe that's just my insane alcoholic thinking! lol.

Thanks for being here for me SR.

peace

Hevyn

Neo, I needed to read this. I've been having seasonal triggers & the old thoughts of "moderating" come creeping into my head. They come without warning & out of nowhere, since I'm mostly happy & content with my new life. Time dims the memory of just how horrible it was at the end of my drinking career, though.

I've been meaning to make a list - but as I approach 3 yrs I really must do it today. I'm listing all things, large & small, that brought me to my knees. I've probably already forgotten alot of the chaos, and that is dangerous.

Thanks Neo - another valuable thread from you. I'm thankful.

Kmber2010

Neo we think alike friend. I had a challenging day today....actually a rather upsetting day and as I read this I thought.....did Neo just mind meld with me or something???

Know that these posts and responses are read....and when someone is just having a moment and comes across something they connect with.....man its like....ok I got this. It makes sense.

Thx!

jamdls

Neo, I've been reading your posts since you joined here and I am so impressed by how far you've come! I wish I'd had your insight when I was young. Keep up the good work.

Dee74

I think you're doing great Neo - just stay in the day like you said - and try not to worry about the social aspects too much - like anything we get better with practice, I think

D