scared1

I keep relapsing as soon as I "forget" the bad effects that alcohol has on me. I quickly forget the shame, stupid, shaky anxious feelings I get when I try to quit.
I have not made it one solid week sober yet.
I just realized that I have no control anymore. I CAN control not taking the 1st drink though.
Once I do take "just 1 drink" it turns into 4 beers with a shot of tequila in each, then a drive to the store to get 2 more 40 ouncers proceeded by a few more tequila shot when the 40's are empty. It is amazing how "just 1 drink" turned into all of this yesterday.
I am an alcoholic and I admit to myself right now that I have no control over alcohol!

doggonecarl

That's step 1.

Good luck with recovery.

GettingStronger2

Well, that is the first step to recovery. Good luck! You can do it if you want it.

augustwest

unfortunately one of the symptoms of addiction is selective amnesia. membership in na, and daily meeting attendance at first really helped to keep the reality that i must not take that first drink or drug in the forefront. i have to remind myself of the 1st step every single day.

least

Welcome back! I have a memory etched into my brain of the last time I relapsed, ten months ago. I cannot forget how awful I felt, physically and mentally, and that memory helps me to not pick up that first drink. It took me a while to feel steady on my sober feet, but one day at a time I kept on going. I lost the desire to drink after five or six months and am now living a happy life, free from the grip of alcoholism.

I hope we can give you the support you need to stay sober one day at a time until you no longer want to drink. And as someone who relapsed over and over, I tell you that is IS possible to stop drinking for good.

Anna

Welcome back!

wolf99

i'm glad that you realize you can't control it. i tried to control it yesterday, that ended in a blackout....geez i'm a slow learner

augustwest

surrender to win

Dee74

Hi scared

I know what you mean - I was that way for 20 years - either I'd rationalise that I was feeling fine now so I couldn't be that bad, or some people offered me a drink and it would be rude of me not to accept, or frequently I'd simply wake up vowing not to drink and an hour later I'd be sitting at the kitchen table with a backpack full of booze I'd just bought.

What helped me was posting here a lot - describing what I was feeling - and I'd go back and read those posts (and other peoples) when I began to think drinking might be a good idea.

I also learned to play the tape right through to the end in my head - I get visions of drinking being this wonderful rosy experience - of course for people like you and I it's not, and it's important for us to remember the consequences and what has happened to us in the past when we drink.

I had to work hard on accepting I was an alcoholic and that drinking was no longer a viable option for me - but once I started to get that, I started to move forward...

good luck
D

OneWay

I havent made it one week sober yet either .... but I wont stop trying . It also seem that my "falls" are getting a lot better and is looking up

One day at a time

DayTrader

Yep, yer like me. You can make a ton of logical connections in your head and you can easily see how 1 is all it takes to set off the rest of the dynamite.....yet you can't seem to keep from picking up that first one.

This same subject comes up in the AA book: Our so called will power becomes practically nonexistent. We are unable, at certain times, to bring into our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense against the first drink. The almost certain consequences that follow taking even a glass of beer do not crowd into the mind to deter us. If these thoughts occur, they are hazy and readily supplanted with the old threadbare idea that this time we shall handle ourselves like other people.

-

Sounds just like what your wrote....and you're to be congratulated for it. Sooo many ppl try to fight it and fight it, look for the next trigger, try to learn about alcoholism, stay away from places that serve it.... and a million other possibilities. For an alcoholic, all the knowledge and will power in the world won't be enough because, at certain times, you just won't be able to bring that memory to bear - you'll relapse - and, if you're an alcoholic, to drink is to die - period.

You're in the minority......you've got the honesty to admit powerlessness.... and that's a helluva hurdle for sure. Admitting powerlessness is, I believe, the hardest of all the steps. Actually, it's easy but we just can't bring ourselves to do it - in spite of lots and lots of evidence to the contrary. Our false egos, our false pride, and a number of other false beliefs (like sobriety won't be any fun, I "need" to drink to be successful, everyone I know drinks, etc) conspire against us to keep us thinking we have control.....until we lose it again and end up drunk AGAIN

So congrats, you're off to a great start.......but now you need to find some power to keep you away from that first drink, to make that thought of picking up not even enter your head, to remove that compulsion to drink.... that's what happens in AA...and that's why I'm still sober today. I highly recommend you take a look at it - and good luck to ya.

Zencat

Hi scared1

I too know it is within my means to NOT take that first drink. I use SMART Recovery to treat my addiction. What I needed to do was develop a set of skills that would give me the ability to improve my life as a sober person.

The most important decision I have made in recovery was to choose a recovery program that best matched my needs. It has made recovering from addiction so much more effective for me. Some people use the powerless principle in recovery and that's effective for them. I use the empowerment principle and that works very well for me and others like me in recovery. For I do have the capacity to effect positive changes in my life.

CarolD

I found keeping a daily journal...with pen and paper
very helpful in my early days.....

Page 1-all the negetive things that happened when I drank
Page 2-all the reasons and wishes I had to stay sober.

Each day.....I wrote about my progress or lack of....then I
could see what benefited me on my journey.

I sure hope this will be your final drinking episode

Welcome back

artsoul

I definitely have to remind myself every day why I don't want to pick up that first drink. Fortunately, there's so many posts to read here that it's pretty easy to do.....

I'm glad you've come to terms with your alcoholism. It was a relief when I finally decided to quit doing battle with it and step out of the ring. Don't forget to take it a day at a time.

Kmber2010

Well done. These thoughts are exactly what led me to making sobriety my #1 focus and knowing that drinking is no longer an option.

You can do this.

Looking forward to the journey!

BanjoBob

I, like Carol. started a journal. The first entries were all of the reasons why I wanted/needed to quit drinking, then I listed all of the positive outcomes and goals I had for my life that could only be achieved if I quit drinking. It helps to read through these when I have even the slightest thought that drinking again might be desirable.

northland

I love this website, and I just got here. Were all exactly the same. My biggest problem is trying to understand how everyday normal people can drink a 6 pack and call it a night. When I take my first couple drinks, I'm done, usually for atleast 3 days. I go on benders and snap out of it, feeling empty and useless

deakanutz

That's me exactly once I start I am on bender, I go thru bottles after bottles of vodka and realized I could't stop like everyone else like my wife can have a beer with dinner and call it a night. Me would have 3 big beers to her one and I would need to stop on the way home for a fifth.