i relapsed
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 44
i relapsed
after 40 day of being clean I did it again to myself. I hate myself right now, I can't believe what I did. I texted a lot of people last night and am reading that now. I sounded like a crazy person. I really just feel like such a piece of **** right now. I turn into a monster when I drink. I don't know what I was thinking! I feel so low, I can't moderate my drinking. I can never drink again...there is something seriously wrong with me. I can't stop crying, i hate alcohol, it has ruined my life!!!
Hooligan
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Snowy North-Eastern U.S.
Posts: 321
welcome to the boat my friend. Its a constant battle, and it plays tricks like "come on have just one, you know you want to". What is done is done, the only thing you can do is keep going forward and try to make sure it does not happen again
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Germany
Posts: 2,058
Wolf, many of us have stumbled on the journey.
I hope you don't let this hold you back and figure out what happened and what to do different this time.
I found that support was the missing piece that I needed to achieve and enjoy sobriety.
You can do this.
I hope you don't let this hold you back and figure out what happened and what to do different this time.
I found that support was the missing piece that I needed to achieve and enjoy sobriety.
You can do this.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,772
I always say this, but I believe it's true: forgive yourself for your relapse, learn from it, and move forward again.
I relapsed more times than I'd like to remember, but eventually I learned that I cannot drink, at all, ever, not even one.
I relapsed more times than I'd like to remember, but eventually I learned that I cannot drink, at all, ever, not even one.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: New York
Posts: 35,731
I agree with Least. Pick yourself up and start again. I relapsed after 30 days and did just that. Started all over so I never had to feel just like you do now. It's awful but you never have to feel this way again. I'm working on month 5 and have no regrets what so ever. I remember what I do and when I do it. I don't detest my behavior and I don't make crazy phone calls like I used to. We''re all in the same boat Wolf. Most of us have done all the same things. Forgive yourself, wipe your tears away, look in the mirror and love the person you see. Love yourself enough to START AGAIN!
Best Wishes to You
Best Wishes to You
Member
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Buzz-free Zone
Posts: 1,372
Hey Wolf,
Sometimes it helps to understand the "whys" of cravings and relapses to beat them to the punch.
I posted this info from an article I read a long time ago and thought it might help. All the best to you...
"Since alcohol is a powerfully addictive drug that is toxic, your body had to make some physical changes to keep you from being poisoned. Your body's chemistry, especially that of your liver, had to change to keep you alive while you were drinking.
However, once your body chemistry changed to accommodate the presence of alcohol, it cannot be un-changed. This is why you are experiencing physical cravings for alcohol; your body wants it back!
These cravings are most intense in the first six months of abstinence from alcohol. Thus, this is when most relapses occur. Here's how you can beat alcohol cravings today, right now:
Cravings occur on a Bell curve: they start out mild, grow in intensity until they peak, and then gradually they return to the "baseline" of no cravings.
When you feel a craving begin, now you know what's going to happen - so you're ahead of the game.
As your craving peaks in about 30 minutes, do something else. Anything; exercise, go to your recovery group's web site and talk through your craving, call a friend, read your email, go to a movie, read a book, watch TV, just get your mind onto something else.
The craving will begin to recede slowly, and soon it will be gone altogether. This process takes about an hour. Keep telling yourself "I won't give in. This is going to pass." And it will! Your self-confidence will be raised significantly as you continue to avoid giving in to the craving.
The psychological aspect behind cravings: It is the habit and routine that you built around alcohol use that is causing the craving. The obvious solution to this type of craving is to make a new routine that does not involve drinking.
The fancy psychological term for this process is that first you must use "pattern interruption," which simply means that you stop drinking. But then you must have another behavior to do instead of drinking; this is called "pattern development."
You can't just leave a big hole in your life without filling it with something else; this is a sure-fire relapse trigger."
That was about the gist of the article, Wolf...reading things like this helps me. I hope it helps you too.
Sometimes it helps to understand the "whys" of cravings and relapses to beat them to the punch.
I posted this info from an article I read a long time ago and thought it might help. All the best to you...
"Since alcohol is a powerfully addictive drug that is toxic, your body had to make some physical changes to keep you from being poisoned. Your body's chemistry, especially that of your liver, had to change to keep you alive while you were drinking.
However, once your body chemistry changed to accommodate the presence of alcohol, it cannot be un-changed. This is why you are experiencing physical cravings for alcohol; your body wants it back!
These cravings are most intense in the first six months of abstinence from alcohol. Thus, this is when most relapses occur. Here's how you can beat alcohol cravings today, right now:
Cravings occur on a Bell curve: they start out mild, grow in intensity until they peak, and then gradually they return to the "baseline" of no cravings.
When you feel a craving begin, now you know what's going to happen - so you're ahead of the game.
As your craving peaks in about 30 minutes, do something else. Anything; exercise, go to your recovery group's web site and talk through your craving, call a friend, read your email, go to a movie, read a book, watch TV, just get your mind onto something else.
The craving will begin to recede slowly, and soon it will be gone altogether. This process takes about an hour. Keep telling yourself "I won't give in. This is going to pass." And it will! Your self-confidence will be raised significantly as you continue to avoid giving in to the craving.
The psychological aspect behind cravings: It is the habit and routine that you built around alcohol use that is causing the craving. The obvious solution to this type of craving is to make a new routine that does not involve drinking.
The fancy psychological term for this process is that first you must use "pattern interruption," which simply means that you stop drinking. But then you must have another behavior to do instead of drinking; this is called "pattern development."
You can't just leave a big hole in your life without filling it with something else; this is a sure-fire relapse trigger."
That was about the gist of the article, Wolf...reading things like this helps me. I hope it helps you too.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Welcome back!
Sorry about the slip. What are you going to do differently this time?
Yes, there IS "something seriously wrong" with you. The same thing that is "seriously wrong" with us--you are an alcoholic. We can't drink. Ever. The sooner we accept that little bit of information, the sooner we can go on to a good life without it.
Alcoholism isn't the worst diagnosis in the world--heck, some people have diseases for which nothing can be done. Alcoholism isn't curable in the sense that we can ever drink normally, but it IS treatable and people DO recover from it.
AA and the 12 Steps provide a very effective treatment for alcoholism--it offers a whole new way to live. You NEVER have to feel this way again.
Sorry about the slip. What are you going to do differently this time?
Yes, there IS "something seriously wrong" with you. The same thing that is "seriously wrong" with us--you are an alcoholic. We can't drink. Ever. The sooner we accept that little bit of information, the sooner we can go on to a good life without it.
Alcoholism isn't the worst diagnosis in the world--heck, some people have diseases for which nothing can be done. Alcoholism isn't curable in the sense that we can ever drink normally, but it IS treatable and people DO recover from it.
AA and the 12 Steps provide a very effective treatment for alcoholism--it offers a whole new way to live. You NEVER have to feel this way again.
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Wolf, there's a line in Batman Begins that I like to think of when it comes to these situations. "Why do we fall? So we can learn to pick ourselves back up."
None among us is perfect. I know there were uncountable times when I thought I was finished with alcohol, and then found myself back with bottle in hand. Unfortunately, it got worse each time. It doesn't have to get worse for you, Wolf. This can be as bad as it gets.
For the past 6 months, SR.com and AA have helped me immensely as I've stayed away from the booze. But I had to fully dedicate myself to not drinking again, and with God's help I haven't thus far. I hope you're able to make this the last time.
None among us is perfect. I know there were uncountable times when I thought I was finished with alcohol, and then found myself back with bottle in hand. Unfortunately, it got worse each time. It doesn't have to get worse for you, Wolf. This can be as bad as it gets.
For the past 6 months, SR.com and AA have helped me immensely as I've stayed away from the booze. But I had to fully dedicate myself to not drinking again, and with God's help I haven't thus far. I hope you're able to make this the last time.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Wolf, most of us have been right where you are this morning and yes it sucks big time! Yes there is something "seriously wrong with" you as with all of us with an alcohol problem we can't drink at all it's not an option. Truly believing what you wrote below is your key to freedom from alcohol.
Originally Posted by wolf99 
, I can't moderate my drinking. I can never drink again...there is something seriously wrong with me. I can't stop crying, i hate alcohol, it has ruined my life!!!
Just another day...
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Michigan
Posts: 274
Im so sorry you had a relapse. Unfortunately it happens to us. U have to just keep trying. I do not believe we can moderate our drinking. Everytime I tried I ended right back to where I was, binge drinking. Course I thought I got this..just one night a week and I will drink slowly and stop before the beer/liquer is gone. I did that once. Felt horrible the next day with a hangover so drank that day too, to feel better. It always ends up like that.
When my husband starts hunting I always enjoyed a couple bottles of wine while cleaning the house. Now I pour myself some crystal light fruit punch while cleaning the house. lol I dont get that happy feeling I got from wine, in the beginning, but I also dont get that emotional train wreck that pops up at the end of bottle #2.
Dont let this hiccup make you give up sobriety! Love yourself and your health!
When my husband starts hunting I always enjoyed a couple bottles of wine while cleaning the house. Now I pour myself some crystal light fruit punch while cleaning the house. lol I dont get that happy feeling I got from wine, in the beginning, but I also dont get that emotional train wreck that pops up at the end of bottle #2.
Dont let this hiccup make you give up sobriety! Love yourself and your health!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 147
Wolf,
I too have done the whole texting thing and crazy phone calls. There have been times when I would wake up the next morning and look at my text/call history and not remember a lot of it. It truly is a horrible feeling. Shake it off and try again!
I too have done the whole texting thing and crazy phone calls. There have been times when I would wake up the next morning and look at my text/call history and not remember a lot of it. It truly is a horrible feeling. Shake it off and try again!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Living in Today!
Posts: 3,944
Originally Posted by wolf99
after 40 day of being clean I did it again to myself. I hate myself right now, I can't believe what I did. I texted a lot of people last night and am reading that now. I sounded like a crazy person. I really just feel like such a piece of **** right now. I turn into a monster when I drink. I don't know what I was thinking! I feel so low, I can't moderate my drinking. I can never drink again...there is something seriously wrong with me. I can't stop crying, i hate alcohol, it has ruined my life!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 44
thanks for all of the support. i feel a little bit better now, im still hungover though. i can't even look at my phone though, i said some pretty horrible things to people that didn't deserve it. i'm still in rehab, so i'll have to fess up there which i'm really not looking forward too, but I think it will help me. i'm thinking if i start going to aa meetings instead of only rehab it might help me out. i don't know, but i am for sure an alcoholic. i can't moderate, and i just have to accept that, which for some reason is really hard to do.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2008
Location: Europe
Posts: 1,361
try to see a relapse not as the end of your ´second´ life, the sober life.
try to see a relapse as a small interruption of your true real life.
I hope this makes sense, its more of a feeling but I´ve tried to put it in words.
try to see a relapse as a small interruption of your true real life.
I hope this makes sense, its more of a feeling but I´ve tried to put it in words.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Glad you're here, Wolf - you could have stayed out there and not told anybody, right? So pat yourself on the back for being strong enough to face it head on. It's not easy, but it's the best thing we can do for ourselves. Don't let the old ego mess with you and make you feel like a loser. You're not! AND - You can do it.
I can't tell you how many times I vowed to quit and picked up again. They don't call it addiction for nothin'! I had two long periods of sobriety even. I still sometimes wonder if I could have just a couple. See? You're not alone!
I can't tell you how many times I vowed to quit and picked up again. They don't call it addiction for nothin'! I had two long periods of sobriety even. I still sometimes wonder if I could have just a couple. See? You're not alone!
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