Long Story Uncertain Ending.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: cincinnati ohio
Posts: 8
Long Story Uncertain Ending.
I'm a 59 year old male with a money making buisness and the leader of a very popular 12 piece R&B band in my area. I've been married for 10 years and have been on one durg or another for 40 years...Heroin at 19, Methadone for 6years..after that it was the late 70s and 80s and all the stuff that went with it.
In the 90s I got back into music and started my group still dabbeling in cocaine....Met my wife got married and I still dabbled....found out I had Hep C
stopped everything...except... Ahhhh pain pills, I can do that! That won't hurt my liver. As soon as I realized I couldn't handle that even though I was 50 something...I went on Suboxone treatment ...concealing all from my spouse until one day it all came out. It took 3 years and a few weeks of hell but, I did it and have been clean for over 2 months with no intention or desire to do any drug again.
Problem is that during the 3 years of Suboxone I was a drone I did not notice that the best thing that ever happened to me was slipping away...my wife. Everything was fine ...nothing mattered except that orange pill to feel good thru the day. I neglected the important things about marriage.
I went to FLorida for 10 days and detoxed and was still feeling pretty bad and wnen I got home 3 days later she dropped the bomb on me...Divorce...Right back into withdrawals and absolute insanity....but I held on and am still holding on...What will come of this? I don't know...Prayers and faith are all I have left. Gone is the woman I loved and my home...On are the lawyers and the courts...What a time to wake up!....I've been thru everything in life with a crutch drug one or another. It's driving me crazy but I'm hanging on determined because I've done them all and no drug fixed or changed a dang thing. Just made me numb to the fullness of life...for what its worth. God Bless
In the 90s I got back into music and started my group still dabbeling in cocaine....Met my wife got married and I still dabbled....found out I had Hep C
stopped everything...except... Ahhhh pain pills, I can do that! That won't hurt my liver. As soon as I realized I couldn't handle that even though I was 50 something...I went on Suboxone treatment ...concealing all from my spouse until one day it all came out. It took 3 years and a few weeks of hell but, I did it and have been clean for over 2 months with no intention or desire to do any drug again.
Problem is that during the 3 years of Suboxone I was a drone I did not notice that the best thing that ever happened to me was slipping away...my wife. Everything was fine ...nothing mattered except that orange pill to feel good thru the day. I neglected the important things about marriage.
I went to FLorida for 10 days and detoxed and was still feeling pretty bad and wnen I got home 3 days later she dropped the bomb on me...Divorce...Right back into withdrawals and absolute insanity....but I held on and am still holding on...What will come of this? I don't know...Prayers and faith are all I have left. Gone is the woman I loved and my home...On are the lawyers and the courts...What a time to wake up!....I've been thru everything in life with a crutch drug one or another. It's driving me crazy but I'm hanging on determined because I've done them all and no drug fixed or changed a dang thing. Just made me numb to the fullness of life...for what its worth. God Bless
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Ireland
Posts: 1,641
Sorry Hop, that is tough.
You might have run into trouble later though as a lot of change happens with 12 step programs and sobriety in general.
Did she serve as a best friend/ intimate companion or just a safety net?
She may see the present as a permanent state of affairs and not as a storm before the beautiful calm.
You cannot have your sobriety depend on outside forces. This is your chance to get a great life. Divorce may or may not happen but you will be ok.
Keep up the good work. Suggest Alanon to your wife in a kind and supportive way. Remember, she is probably scared. Go to meetings.
You might have run into trouble later though as a lot of change happens with 12 step programs and sobriety in general.
Did she serve as a best friend/ intimate companion or just a safety net?
She may see the present as a permanent state of affairs and not as a storm before the beautiful calm.
You cannot have your sobriety depend on outside forces. This is your chance to get a great life. Divorce may or may not happen but you will be ok.
Keep up the good work. Suggest Alanon to your wife in a kind and supportive way. Remember, she is probably scared. Go to meetings.
I'm glad you're not using again during this time of stress. Using won't make anything better. I'm glad you found us and joined the family.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 144
Going through divorce is a major shake-up, I know---it made me question everything, including how people really can change. There's some good that can come out of it even though it's hard to find it when you feel as if everything is falling apart.
Staying clean will help you get through the stress.
Staying clean will help you get through the stress.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: cincinnati ohio
Posts: 8
Thanks Gang
Yep...I'm noticing all the changes on a weekly basis.....Journal today is a far cry from the dispair of the first couple weeks.....Got a good guide in my Sax player a 12 Stepper.....Gets rough still living with the woman in seperate rooms until the papers are signed...could take months.....Never thought I'd be in this situation at my age.......Do know that having a monkey on your back
leaves no room for God and peace of mind........Thanks
leaves no room for God and peace of mind........Thanks
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 133
You probably will not appreciate me writing on your post but I felt obligated too. I a 58 year old codependent, currently in a 40 year marriage with a dry drunk husband. I suffered a life changing massive stroke in DEC 2009. From DEC 23rd until JAN 8th I was comatose. When I came back into reality I was filled with so much rage inside of me. I was then transferred to a rehab hospital for another two weeks before my discharge to my house. This was one of my worst decisions of my life. I should have been discharged to a skilled nursing facility. I have suffered immobility problems and can not move around very easy without my power chair. When I came home the only member of my family I could rely upon was my 35 year old son. I received more care and compassion from my three border collies than I did from my husband. I begged him on several occasions to take time off from work to help arrange my house so I could maneaver around it and the patio in my power chair. He refused! I later found out he had over four weeks of use or lose (excess) time on his record. He just refused to be there when I really needed him!
During our marriage I now realize I made a lot of mistakes. For the majority of our marriage he actively drank over more than half a gallon of rum each and every night. When he finally quit he went cold turkey without working all the steps in AA. He had me take and attend with him his first AA meeting. As a result he is now a dry drunk. He still possesses all the traits he had while he was an active alcoholic. I allowed him to use me as a crutch during our marriage. He was the only person who could work for himself the 12 steps! Your wife may be afraid you might also use her as a crutch! I allowed him to influence decisions which I now know were against my better judgment. Our marriage was always about him! His common reponse to decisions we needed to make was "What about me (him)!" I have only requested two things from him now: to get a physical; and to go to therapy. Once again he has refused to listen to me! He doesn't even realize that I consider our marriage is over. I'm only now waiting to arrange a place for me to move to. That is not so easy since my stroke and my doctor states I am to well to go to a skilled nursing facility.
I thought you might need to consider a point of view of where your wife is coming from! As normal you are free to consider what I have written and leave the rest! I don't know what direction your marriage may take; but you need to give your wife the space and freedom to allow her to find out for herself who she is! She is not an appendix of you! And you are not an appendix of hers!
During our marriage I now realize I made a lot of mistakes. For the majority of our marriage he actively drank over more than half a gallon of rum each and every night. When he finally quit he went cold turkey without working all the steps in AA. He had me take and attend with him his first AA meeting. As a result he is now a dry drunk. He still possesses all the traits he had while he was an active alcoholic. I allowed him to use me as a crutch during our marriage. He was the only person who could work for himself the 12 steps! Your wife may be afraid you might also use her as a crutch! I allowed him to influence decisions which I now know were against my better judgment. Our marriage was always about him! His common reponse to decisions we needed to make was "What about me (him)!" I have only requested two things from him now: to get a physical; and to go to therapy. Once again he has refused to listen to me! He doesn't even realize that I consider our marriage is over. I'm only now waiting to arrange a place for me to move to. That is not so easy since my stroke and my doctor states I am to well to go to a skilled nursing facility.
I thought you might need to consider a point of view of where your wife is coming from! As normal you are free to consider what I have written and leave the rest! I don't know what direction your marriage may take; but you need to give your wife the space and freedom to allow her to find out for herself who she is! She is not an appendix of you! And you are not an appendix of hers!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: cincinnati ohio
Posts: 8
To acdirito
Without a doubt in my mind she spent a few years worring and disbelieveing what was going on...denying...She at her age 51 figured that I could not give her the security she needed.
I was in a routine and she was away days and sometimes weeks with her work all over the world....We had lived a fairly high end lifestyle while I concealed most of my problem....I've been real good at that during the course of my life...That's all over now...It's all out front and you know what?
I'm relieved!.....There is nothing to hide anymore...I finally fessed up to the truth...To myself....Wow does that make a difference...Still I will miss her and am sorry she had to turn it off for her survival...Don't think I belive I'm not the culprit here...Like I said....
WHAT A TIME TO WAKE UP!
I was in a routine and she was away days and sometimes weeks with her work all over the world....We had lived a fairly high end lifestyle while I concealed most of my problem....I've been real good at that during the course of my life...That's all over now...It's all out front and you know what?
I'm relieved!.....There is nothing to hide anymore...I finally fessed up to the truth...To myself....Wow does that make a difference...Still I will miss her and am sorry she had to turn it off for her survival...Don't think I belive I'm not the culprit here...Like I said....
WHAT A TIME TO WAKE UP!
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Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,564
Welcome Hoplite - so glad you found us. This is a wonderful place that helped me get sober after a lifetime of drinking. I was just like you, only I stuck to alcohol.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I was also in a fog half the time - functioning, but not feeling things fully, or seeing with clear eyes what was going on around me. I have found, though, that allowing yourself to become consumed with guilt & remorse will keep you from moving forward & reclaiming your life. Of course we must acknowledge the damage & mistakes - but once we do, it is time to walk towards the light and enjoy the time we have left.
Looking forward to hearing more about your journey & wishing you peace.
I'm so sorry for the pain you're going through. I was also in a fog half the time - functioning, but not feeling things fully, or seeing with clear eyes what was going on around me. I have found, though, that allowing yourself to become consumed with guilt & remorse will keep you from moving forward & reclaiming your life. Of course we must acknowledge the damage & mistakes - but once we do, it is time to walk towards the light and enjoy the time we have left.
Looking forward to hearing more about your journey & wishing you peace.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
acdirito....
...Welcome
I live in a government owned apartment complex
we have some units specifically for disabled
citizens. Mine has extra wide doors for power chairs
tub hand holds for ease in getting in and out.
I'm going blind from an incurable retina disease.
My rent is very low...based on my very low income...
Prayers that you soon find a place beneficial
to your happiness and peace.
...WelcomeI live in a government owned apartment complex
we have some units specifically for disabled
citizens. Mine has extra wide doors for power chairs
tub hand holds for ease in getting in and out.
I'm going blind from an incurable retina disease.
My rent is very low...based on my very low income...
Prayers that you soon find a place beneficial
to your happiness and peace.
Last edited by CarolD; 10-09-2010 at 07:18 PM. Reason: Typo
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I feel for you and your wife and only wish the best for both of you. I'm glad you're reaching out for support though. Coming here daily is the way I stay sober and feel connected with others who understand.
It's true that things can only get worse if we continue to drink. I "woke up" (as you say) in the middle of my own crisis (financial), but the longer I stay sober the more light I can see at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there! (I grew up in Cincy - wish the Reds would beat those Phillies - ugh!):ghug3
It's true that things can only get worse if we continue to drink. I "woke up" (as you say) in the middle of my own crisis (financial), but the longer I stay sober the more light I can see at the end of the tunnel. Hang in there! (I grew up in Cincy - wish the Reds would beat those Phillies - ugh!):ghug3
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: San Antonio TX
Posts: 133
To Hoplite
Courage is daring to take a first step, a big leap, or a different path.
When no one else is with you,and no one seems to care, just whisper to yourself,
"I am the controller of my destiny. It's up to me what comes to pass."
At times like this, you must not give up.
You are stronger than you think, remember to stand tall.
Courage is admitting that you're afraid and face that fear head on.
It's being strong enough to ask for help and humble enough to accept it.
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
Every challenge in your life helps you to grow.
Every problem you encounter strengthens your mind and your soul.
Every trouble you overcome increases your understanding of life.
When all your troubles weigh heavily on your shoulders,
remember that beneath the burden you can stand tall,
because you are never given more than you can handle...
and you are stronger than you think.
Life makes no guarantees as to what you'll have.
Life holds no promises as to what will come your way.
It just gives you time to make choices and to make changes.
Courage is being responsible for your own actions and admitting your own mistakes without placing blame on others.
It's relying not on others for your success, but on your own skills and efforts.
Courage is keeping heart in the face of disappointment and looking at defeat not as an end but as a new beginning.
It's believing that things will ultimately get better even as they get worse.
Whatever the hurt of the moment may be, it will pass.
Today, you must pause, rest, catch your breath, and then look ahead.
Tomorrow is always a new dawn.
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
Nothing is really over until the moment you die.
Courage is daring to take a first step, a big leap, or a different path.
When no one else is with you,and no one seems to care, just whisper to yourself,
"I am the controller of my destiny. It's up to me what comes to pass."
At times like this, you must not give up.
You are stronger than you think, remember to stand tall.
Courage is admitting that you're afraid and face that fear head on.
It's being strong enough to ask for help and humble enough to accept it.
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
Every challenge in your life helps you to grow.
Every problem you encounter strengthens your mind and your soul.
Every trouble you overcome increases your understanding of life.
When all your troubles weigh heavily on your shoulders,
remember that beneath the burden you can stand tall,
because you are never given more than you can handle...
and you are stronger than you think.
Life makes no guarantees as to what you'll have.
Life holds no promises as to what will come your way.
It just gives you time to make choices and to make changes.
Courage is being responsible for your own actions and admitting your own mistakes without placing blame on others.
It's relying not on others for your success, but on your own skills and efforts.
Courage is keeping heart in the face of disappointment and looking at defeat not as an end but as a new beginning.
It's believing that things will ultimately get better even as they get worse.
Whatever the hurt of the moment may be, it will pass.
Today, you must pause, rest, catch your breath, and then look ahead.
Tomorrow is always a new dawn.
Don't let your life slip through your fingers by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time, you live all the days of your life.
Nothing is really over until the moment you die.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Location: joliet,il
Posts: 1
Yeah just cause we get clean does not promise our families will stay but it really doesnt matter been in and out of detox and tx centers for the past 5 yrs this has been the most sobriet i have haD SINCE 2005 WHEN I HAD 3 YRS i am now workin on ten months and it doesnt matter wat happens i dont have any excuses anymore i ran out of my best ideas and this is the only thing that works for me i just cant drink or use today no matter wat if my dog dies ,friends die parents die it doesnt matter the most important thing is the 24 hrs a day bk jan 6!I used every excuse to drink but i only had one reason ever and it was i wanted to do it !God loves to give us trials just to see if we believein him enough that he will carry us through it!
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