Living the fast life
 

Hi, I didn't know the best place to post this but I chose here and I just wanted to ask a few questions. I know the first step to recovery is wanting to and to be honest I am not sure if I do but I do wanna know why I have these symptoms...

Ill give a little history of myself so whoever is kind enough to give me advice and answer my questions can better understand where I am coming from.
I am 21 years old, I graduated early at sixteen with a 4.0, I come from a well of family but anyways to be blunt I am very well educated for my age. I had everything gave to me all my life and at fourteen my life was turned upside down. I began with ecstasy at fourteen and by fifteen I was mixing ecstasy, cocaine, and marijuana. By sixteen I was smoking crack on top of it all. And like I said I graduated two years in advance and held a job while doing all this. I moved out at sixteen and got my own place with a drug dealer. By seventeen I was on the run to Miami for trafficking cocaine and marijuana. I lived a great life in Miami very young and partied everyday till I was nineteen. I became an alcoholic, I smoked marijuana to heroin on a daily basis while snorting cocaine, oxys, xanaxs, and eating LSD, and mushrooms. Sometimes I would mix all of these in the same day. By nineteen I was back home and faced my charges and they gave me a break. Till twenty I had four overdosed all of which I survived without hurting myself. In that year I lost one friend to prison, one died eating the same pills I did, and one was shot and killed in the same room I was were I was shot in the shoulder. Somehow I survived that to. I wonder every day why im still here... But anyway after I returned from the hospital I cleaned up and today I drink every other day I still snort a script of week of pain and nerve pills but to me I think im doing good compared to before.

My questions are.
1. I have no sex drive none whatsoever, why is this?
2. I have no emotions nothing phases me, nothing bothers me, not even my family dying or a friend and it scares me that I have no emotions...
3. I cant sleep I have not slept in years its so hard to fall asleep I cant remember sleeping one good night.
4. And lastly could I ever be the same?

Hi Jason;

where are your parents? if you have everything given to you, i would hope they would help you to get into a long-term treatment program where you can speak with a professional therapist who can better advise you.

what made me respond to your post is that you can't sleep. once you are de-toxing and your system is normalizing, you will sleep better...but you need to see a doctor.

you are a younger person who needs to get to a better place. maybe you feel numb?

welcome to SR.

Hi Jason, Welcome to SR, sounds like you need to seek medical help both physically and mentally and that is something SR can not provide. Life can be beautiful clean and sober you just have to give it a chance.

They no all about it and I have been to rehab twice and doctor after doctor. I'm diagnosed with post dramatic stress and a bunch of other things they all relate to drug usage. Im currently drinking a half pint of tequila 20 perk tens and 5 totem polls a night just to sleep. I would say im depressed if for the fact I felt anything. And the doctors tell me they cant help me until I help myself but I feel like I am helping myself. My parents know what I am on but like I said in all honesty the perks and xanaxs is really a huge step for me being clean. Even my parents agree I am prescribed 120 perk tens a month for my shoulder and 60 xanax bars for anxiety however they only last 2 weeks at most. I have been to rehab I have wanted to quit but the only thing that keeps me sane it the pills and believe me I wanna live a normal life but I cant I have tried. I can sleep with the pills I cant without them. And thank you but does anyone know about my first three questions?

you may have completely suppressed your sex drive with all the drugs.

and I believe you mean Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, (PTSD). as for the extreme quantities of percocet and xanex, are they being prescribed to you by the same doctor?

Self-medicating is not the answer...and your doctors are correct in that you have to want to help yourself. you were at one time academically advanced, but your mind will suffer if you continue to load yourself up with these types of drugs and wash it down with a pint of Tequila..that spells OVERDOSE.

Hi Jason, Thought i would say something that might help with my exsperience... I'm kind of the same way about emotions. I never understood what to feel when my dad past away when i was 12 yrs old. At that time growing up in the 80's it wasn't hard for me to find the party friends, my family was drinkers too. Threw all my exsperiences with one bad thing after another I had alchol and weed to hide my emotions. I was also hiding a secret i had with a childhood friend. I guess what i'm coming to is that I lost the human emotions I should of learnt as a child by hiding myself from the world. For me at 36 I still gotta learn who I'am all over again. How to be happy with what i have to work with. Maybe you over worked yourself and didn't get a chance to enjoy the simpler things growing up. Got envolved with the wrong crowd...What everyone tells me which i'm sure you've heard is take it slow and think before you act. Hope this helps...Take care.

Hi Jason
Welcome to SR.

None of us are doctors here. We're not a medical board. Your lack of emotion, your low sex drive and your insomnia could be for many reasons.

I don't think it's too much of a stretch tho to suggest that there may be a connection to all the booze and pills you're doing, yeah?

There is a way back to 'normal', but it involves putting down the tequila and finding a responsible pain management and anxiety management regime, and appropriate treatment for your PTSD.

It's not easy and it involves a lot of changes and a lot of work.

You need to speak to your doctor before you do anything - I cant stress that enough - and tell them what you've told us here.

If they don't listen, you need to find a new doctor or a new therapist.

You'll find a lot of support here too - I hope to see you again :)
D

Jason, welcome!

Your questions are medically related, and therefore can't be answered even by members who happen to be MDs (I am not). This is not advice, but merely a suggestion for further background info: google "drug use and brain chemistry".

I applaud the fact that you have cut down on your use. If you believe that you are addicted then you will need to make a decision whether to use or to stop using. Normal people react to drugs and alcohol in analog fashion, addicts and drunks react in a binary fashion. If it's on, it's ALL the way on, with predictable results. Simple as that, imo.

Welcome to the family!:) Please please talk to your doctor about a safe way to get you off the pills and booze. If you overdosed,the worst that could happen would be that you wouldn't die, but would end up a vegetable for life. Your brain may be very smart but it won't stay that way with all the drugs you're doing. I hope you get help to stop this madness. It will not go away on its own and it WILL get much worse.

Welcome Jason,


I think your drs are giving you good advice. You need to help yourself, and I think that means you need to stop drinking and using drugs. At that point, your drs can deal with your mental health.

Please talk to your dr again, and tell him what you are doing and that you want to stop.

Jason,
Glad you are doing a little research. Firstly, your advanced education is about the most irrelevant thing in your post. You are an addict. You are way beyond a home fix based on your story. You are being enabled by those around you. Perhaps they are holding on to your past as a bright kid.
Regarding your questions;
*If you have no emotions and are perhaps thinking of sobering up, sex is the last thing you should be thinking of.
* Of course you can't sleep, you are drugged up the wahzoo, and your brain and body don't know what side is up?
* Will you ever be the same? Yes, if you give up all that crap now and let your poor brain develop. It is pickled at present and you are stunting your emotional development.

Lastly; often, gifted children do NOT become successful and develop to their full potential for many reasons. Perhaps you could examine why you seem to be on such a mission not to benefit from your smarts.
Good luck, and try and organise a no-nonsense rehab program for yourself.

Ok, not at DR. so I will just share my experience..my daughter is 18 and an addict..she had all of these "syptoms" too. In her case they were due to her drug abuse. The amount you are drinking,smoking, and snorting constitutes abuse in anyones book, I think. I would check w/my DR., but what they are telling you is..you must be sober to even MAKE a diagnosis because many of the symptoms of mental illness and drug abuse are similar. In other words they aren't REALLY gonna know what your problem is until you stop using which it sounds like you are not quite ready to do.Things are not gonna improve with your own medical "cocktail" that you are putting together. I hope you chose to recover soon.

I really hope you reach out and choose life and recovery. Frankly, your story frightens me, very afraid for you. Please choose to live.

Jason, I can honestly say that I had sex perhape maybe a dozen times. This was during a 2 year span with my husband whom I sleep next to nude everynight. My sex drive was none. Nothing phased me or provoked me. I was very numb will I was using. I know this might sound foolish but I ask you step one. Are you powerless to your DOC and has your life become unmanageable? How long can you continue to exsist as you are?

My questions are.
1. I have no sex drive none whatsoever, why is this?
2. I have no emotions nothing phases me, nothing bothers me, not even my family dying or a friend and it scares me that I have no emotions...
3. I cant sleep I have not slept in years its so hard to fall asleep I cant remember sleeping one good night.
4. And lastly could I ever be the same?

#1 Probably because of all the alcohol and drugs you are putting into your body.
#2 Probably because of all the alcohol and drugs you are putting into your body.
#3 Probably because of all the alcohol and drugs you are putting into your body.
#4 Do you want your life to be different? If you do, I think you already know what you need to do. You have been given some good advice on this thread.

I, too, am afraid for you. I am afraid that given the path you are on that you are going to overdose and die. Worse yet, you could overdose and live -- as a vegetable in a nursing home. So what do you want to do? What are you going to do?
Susan Lauren