One week today
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 73
One week today
Well it's been one week today since I had my last drink.
I'm a 40 something year old female, with a good job, wonderful spouse, and great son..but somewhere inside me is that space that needed something. I still am not sure what it needs, but I know what it doesn't need and I am trying every minute of every day to just be ok with how I feel. I don't come from a family with addiction issues, my first husband was an addict and he died tragically at age 27 ..that was over 20 years ago...I was the one who took him to detox and rehab and went to meetings with him and every anon meeting you can imagine..and believe it or not..I never drank back then.ever. I never understood what he felt..but I do now.
My dad passed away 10 years ago and he was my best friend and I think that was my unraveling point..feeling alone and helpless..the void..we all know about "the void" ..
Met my husband now..fantastic guy..couldn't ask for any better..loyal, supportive, anything I need ..he is there for me..so what the frick is my problem? grrr..
I was never an everyday drinker...i'd drink 3-4 times a month but it was drinking until I fell asleep...but with time it was drinking till I fell down..or cried..or couldn't remember..or was mean to my husband..or till I got sick and threw up..
This past few months have been even more difficult..my father in law passed away and a months long terrible illness and that brought another void..and I still hadn't dealt with the first void..so I drank more..got sick more..fell down more...was mean more..and just..hated myself.
I don't want to hate myself anymore..sometimes I think our "feeling" makes other people uncomfortable...but if I don't allow myself to feel something..then I have to (well I dont HAVE to..I choose to) do something so that I don't have to feel..cause we all know how much it hurts to let ourselves feel..
So last Tuesday I drank too much wine..and I had a meltdown..I got so tired of hating myself and loathing myself that I just sat my husband down after I had sobered up that night and said I can't do this anymore (meaning drinking)..i've never hid the fact that I was depressed or felt like my self worth had gone away..i'm a very upfront kind of person about what goes on in my head...now I wasn't very upfront about how much I was drinking..I was embarassed...I became the person I always said i've never be..I knew and well I know now, what my late husband went through..I was powerless..
BUT..I vowed to myself that night that I would not do it again...I can't promise..but once I admitted to my husband what was going on..I felt like this huge weight and secret had been lifted from me...
Now this is not to say that this past week hasn't been difficult...first few days I breezed by...but today has been hard...really hard..but thats ok..I can get through this...
I often wonder why can't I just be one of those people who can sit down, have a glass of wine and be satisfied..I can't..I will never be able to..and i'm glad that I can realize that...but still..every day is hard...
I am trying to keep busy, enjoy the weather..do some writing and well anything to keep busy. Thankfully my husband isn't a drinker so we don't keep alcohol in the house buuut there are those fleeting moments that I was to hop in the car and get some merlot..I don't..but I want to....ahhhh!!!
Sorry for writing a novel. I didn't quite know how to write this or how to well do any of this..I promise I am not usually this wordy or fumbling around..I just have never written these words before..its hard..really hard.
But hey..i'm proud I made a week..and i'm proud that I had the courage to come on and say it out loud..I just hope I can keep on this path..I will try my best..
thanks for listening..
duggy
I'm a 40 something year old female, with a good job, wonderful spouse, and great son..but somewhere inside me is that space that needed something. I still am not sure what it needs, but I know what it doesn't need and I am trying every minute of every day to just be ok with how I feel. I don't come from a family with addiction issues, my first husband was an addict and he died tragically at age 27 ..that was over 20 years ago...I was the one who took him to detox and rehab and went to meetings with him and every anon meeting you can imagine..and believe it or not..I never drank back then.ever. I never understood what he felt..but I do now.
My dad passed away 10 years ago and he was my best friend and I think that was my unraveling point..feeling alone and helpless..the void..we all know about "the void" ..
Met my husband now..fantastic guy..couldn't ask for any better..loyal, supportive, anything I need ..he is there for me..so what the frick is my problem? grrr..
I was never an everyday drinker...i'd drink 3-4 times a month but it was drinking until I fell asleep...but with time it was drinking till I fell down..or cried..or couldn't remember..or was mean to my husband..or till I got sick and threw up..
This past few months have been even more difficult..my father in law passed away and a months long terrible illness and that brought another void..and I still hadn't dealt with the first void..so I drank more..got sick more..fell down more...was mean more..and just..hated myself.
I don't want to hate myself anymore..sometimes I think our "feeling" makes other people uncomfortable...but if I don't allow myself to feel something..then I have to (well I dont HAVE to..I choose to) do something so that I don't have to feel..cause we all know how much it hurts to let ourselves feel..
So last Tuesday I drank too much wine..and I had a meltdown..I got so tired of hating myself and loathing myself that I just sat my husband down after I had sobered up that night and said I can't do this anymore (meaning drinking)..i've never hid the fact that I was depressed or felt like my self worth had gone away..i'm a very upfront kind of person about what goes on in my head...now I wasn't very upfront about how much I was drinking..I was embarassed...I became the person I always said i've never be..I knew and well I know now, what my late husband went through..I was powerless..
BUT..I vowed to myself that night that I would not do it again...I can't promise..but once I admitted to my husband what was going on..I felt like this huge weight and secret had been lifted from me...
Now this is not to say that this past week hasn't been difficult...first few days I breezed by...but today has been hard...really hard..but thats ok..I can get through this...
I often wonder why can't I just be one of those people who can sit down, have a glass of wine and be satisfied..I can't..I will never be able to..and i'm glad that I can realize that...but still..every day is hard...
I am trying to keep busy, enjoy the weather..do some writing and well anything to keep busy. Thankfully my husband isn't a drinker so we don't keep alcohol in the house buuut there are those fleeting moments that I was to hop in the car and get some merlot..I don't..but I want to....ahhhh!!!
Sorry for writing a novel. I didn't quite know how to write this or how to well do any of this..I promise I am not usually this wordy or fumbling around..I just have never written these words before..its hard..really hard.
But hey..i'm proud I made a week..and i'm proud that I had the courage to come on and say it out loud..I just hope I can keep on this path..I will try my best..
thanks for listening..
duggy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 73
Thanks, guys!!!
I feel better this afternoon than I did this morning and my husband will be home soon...my nights are so easy with him home..I was an alone drinker..and i'm sure I wasn't alone in that..
I meditated a bit..prayed a bit, drank a lot of coffee and did some photo editing..feel much better....made it through today...tommorow we start again..
Thanks for the wonderful welcome and support!! it really does mean so much to me..
Banjo..congrats!!! i'l be checking in on your tomorrow...this way we can both say ..day 8! hugs
I feel better this afternoon than I did this morning and my husband will be home soon...my nights are so easy with him home..I was an alone drinker..and i'm sure I wasn't alone in that..
I meditated a bit..prayed a bit, drank a lot of coffee and did some photo editing..feel much better....made it through today...tommorow we start again..
Thanks for the wonderful welcome and support!! it really does mean so much to me..
Banjo..congrats!!! i'l be checking in on your tomorrow...this way we can both say ..day 8! hugs
Bob
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Cleveland, Ohio
Posts: 41
Hi duggy,
Congrats on your week!!!
You sound so very much like me. I didn't need to drink every day, but when I did, I couldn't stop until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I was also an alone drinker most of the time.
I also finally fessed up to my wife about it, and while she realized I drank a lot, I don't think she realized just how much I drank, or how I can't stop after 1 or 2 or 8.
I always though I was OK in that I didn't need to drink in the morning, or even every day.
I now realize that I wasn't OK. And now that my wife knows, I have a huge reason to stay quit. She is now in this struggle with me.
And while she does drink, she's the 1 or 2 and done types, once or twice a week. I would never expect her to quit totally, although I suspect she will drink less now without me pushing drinks on her.
Congrats again!
Congrats on your week!!!
You sound so very much like me. I didn't need to drink every day, but when I did, I couldn't stop until I couldn't keep my eyes open anymore. I was also an alone drinker most of the time.
I also finally fessed up to my wife about it, and while she realized I drank a lot, I don't think she realized just how much I drank, or how I can't stop after 1 or 2 or 8.
I always though I was OK in that I didn't need to drink in the morning, or even every day.
I now realize that I wasn't OK. And now that my wife knows, I have a huge reason to stay quit. She is now in this struggle with me.
And while she does drink, she's the 1 or 2 and done types, once or twice a week. I would never expect her to quit totally, although I suspect she will drink less now without me pushing drinks on her.
Congrats again!
Snarf Snarf
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: ATL
Posts: 835
Hey Duggy and BanjoBob, great job on getting past that first week. It can be tough at times, but the rewards are so worth it. The rough patches may come, but I always try to visualize myself on the other side of them. I know that I'll get through somehow; it's just up to me to figure out how. But I do have that faith that I can tackle any situation without alcohol.
Keep it up, and welcome to our community. No greater place to be or people to be there with.
Keep it up, and welcome to our community. No greater place to be or people to be there with.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2005
Location: England
Posts: 196
Congrats on your first week Duggy, I know i can speak for everyone on here that it is the best thing we have done to quit Drinking.
I still cant believe I have actually done it but I am so pleased I have. Its lovely getting up in the morning feeling Human again..
Keep it up and keep posting even if you do feel as if you are rambling on..lol, we don't mind , success stories are always lovely to read no matter how long!
I still cant believe I have actually done it but I am so pleased I have. Its lovely getting up in the morning feeling Human again..
Keep it up and keep posting even if you do feel as if you are rambling on..lol, we don't mind , success stories are always lovely to read no matter how long!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 73
Aw, thank you!!
I am sleeping like a baby..i feel more alive and I notice that people are emailing me saying that it's not like me to not be on facebook so much chatting and asking me if I am ok...
You see facebook for me is a way to keep in touch with my family and friends back home..and you could always tell when I was drinking..I was chatty and funny (not that i'n not funny now lol..i'm just not drunk funny lol) but now i'm spending more time with "me"...doing quieter things that allow me to find some zen if you understand..
Facebook for me amps up my anxiety with family drama that can I can see and not be a part of and just seeing everyones negativity..when I was drinking I didn't care..now i'm kind of choosing to keep negativity our of my airspace and brainspace...i'm in good place and with it just being a week..i need to stay in a good place...
know what I mean?
Thanks so much for the support! I really feel like I can just be me..imperfections and all..its hard to be yourself when you're battling something like this...
I appreciate you all and am so thankful I decided to become a member yesterday!
duggy
I am sleeping like a baby..i feel more alive and I notice that people are emailing me saying that it's not like me to not be on facebook so much chatting and asking me if I am ok...
You see facebook for me is a way to keep in touch with my family and friends back home..and you could always tell when I was drinking..I was chatty and funny (not that i'n not funny now lol..i'm just not drunk funny lol) but now i'm spending more time with "me"...doing quieter things that allow me to find some zen if you understand..
Facebook for me amps up my anxiety with family drama that can I can see and not be a part of and just seeing everyones negativity..when I was drinking I didn't care..now i'm kind of choosing to keep negativity our of my airspace and brainspace...i'm in good place and with it just being a week..i need to stay in a good place...
know what I mean?
Thanks so much for the support! I really feel like I can just be me..imperfections and all..its hard to be yourself when you're battling something like this...
I appreciate you all and am so thankful I decided to become a member yesterday!
duggy
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 232
I can really relate to your story, it is very similar to my own. Im a 37 yr old female. I didnt drink every night...but 3-4 times a week.
I too had a spouse who died tragically from alcoholism, he was 31yrs old, I watched him suffer and die 10 years ago.
My Mom passed away 5 years ago and it was beyond devestating to me. She was my best friend, we were so close. I hit the booze much harder after she passed away.
I have since remarried, my husband now is a fantastic guy..couldn't ask for any better..loyal, supportive, anything I need ..he is there for me. he doesnt drink which is helpful in my recovery.
Anyways I just wanted to let you know that we have similar backgrounds.
Today I have 18 days sobor and am here to talk if you want, and to go through this journey with you as a couple of newcomers to sobriety
I too had a spouse who died tragically from alcoholism, he was 31yrs old, I watched him suffer and die 10 years ago.
My Mom passed away 5 years ago and it was beyond devestating to me. She was my best friend, we were so close. I hit the booze much harder after she passed away.
I have since remarried, my husband now is a fantastic guy..couldn't ask for any better..loyal, supportive, anything I need ..he is there for me. he doesnt drink which is helpful in my recovery.
Anyways I just wanted to let you know that we have similar backgrounds.
Today I have 18 days sobor and am here to talk if you want, and to go through this journey with you as a couple of newcomers to sobriety
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 73
Carrie, i'd love that!!! its SO nice to find someone who can understand me!
Congrats on day 18!! weee!!! so wonderful!!!
Its funny when I tell people I was widowed at 23..I dont tell them what happened..I just say he had a heart attack when in fact it was a suicide.i've carried forever..and in that weird no matter how hard I tried..I still feel like I failed in the respect that I couldn't save him..but I think that is something that people who lose a loved on to suicide deal with..and now that my son is 22 and wants to know more..it just brings back to the fore front..
Congrats on day 18!! weee!!! so wonderful!!!
Its funny when I tell people I was widowed at 23..I dont tell them what happened..I just say he had a heart attack when in fact it was a suicide.i've carried forever..and in that weird no matter how hard I tried..I still feel like I failed in the respect that I couldn't save him..but I think that is something that people who lose a loved on to suicide deal with..and now that my son is 22 and wants to know more..it just brings back to the fore front..
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
