feeling-good

Update:

(I seem to be writing this on all the threads I am active on.... haha).

My alcohol counselling session went great and I got a big pat on the back from the counsellor and we have started talking mid to long term plans and also about how to move away from husband policing to me being responsible. I have a more detailed diary to fill in which includes moods / times when I think I want to drink / go buy drink etc etc. So that's all good. She is a very straight down the middle, says it as it is, but is also a very kind lady. It is working for me. She has lots of useful tips as well.

My talking counselling was excellent, but very tearful. I made her a card (shhhh, out of office supplies) to say sorry for turning up drunk last week - I felt I was very disrespectful to her because of that, and was potentionally wasting her time as well as mine (as well as time to help other people). In time, she asked me if I ever felt I would forgive myself for that (she doesn't judge me and said thank you for the card) and I said that, maybe, eventually I would. I feel more affinity with her than with any other counsellor I have ever worked with, so I think it will really help.

I need to work on my perfectionism, the hard, hard rules that I set myself internally, my sense of self worth, the fact that I don't like myself very much, the list goes on. She never said that, I did.

My only 'homework' till next time is to think about the things we talked about. Today I feel really down, sad, depressed and sorry for myself. I am going to just try and work away on my work day and wait till I get home to hug my family. I will be doing this completely sans alcohol. I need to start feeling my emotions instead of trying to bash them down, squash them in a box and hope that they go away. I can rationalise and try to make logical sense of things and I do often (CBT etc), but my heart is still not healed from a whole load of stuff.

Any advice anyone can give me - maybe I should start a thread on the anxiety board or something - would be very gratefully received.

Thanks for all being here for me.

feeling-good

Kind of been MIA of late, but have been lurking and reading nearly every day. Things aren't going so great right now. I have slipped and fallen and picked myself back up at least 3 or 4 times since my first sober 'run'. Not so good. Any words of encouragement would be great.

My talking therapy has revealed a lot about how I feel about myself and this most definitely hurts - a real, raw pain. Of course, I am using that as an excuse to myself when I have drunk.

I guess the 'pluses' are that 1. I have drunk a lot less alcohol in the last few weeks than I have in the last few months and 2. I am learning that it's gonna take a lot more than just stopping drinking for things to 'work' for me.

Anywhooo, hi to everyone.

Dee74

Many of us fell a time or two feelingdown.

The important thing is to work out what you need to make this sobriety thing click for you...if what you're doing is not entirely working...add something

the other thing is never give up - I tried for years and I'm so glad I never gave up

D

crisplover

Hi Feelingdown,

I have been reading through this thread and I can relate to what you have been going through.

I'm in the UK and have skived off work today because I was hungover. As soon as the kids were at school, I finished of the vodka and then went back to bed. I hate myself so much.

I am a single mum and it's hard trying to keep positive all the time.

I need to pick up my son soon and am already thinking that I will get some much drink. I want to stop so badly, just keep screwing it up.

x

least

I tried and failed to stay sober more times than I'd like to remember... but I kept trying... and now am almost 11 months sober! So it IS possible. Don't drink today, and repeat tomorrow. It's very hard at first going without your 'crutch' of alcohol but it gets easier. And living sober is so rewarding. I have more money for necessary things and have more energy and wake up feeling good instead of feeling sick as hell and hating myself. Don't give up! Don't drink today! You can do this.

wicked

I just read this entire thread feeling. (i dont want to say feeling down, cause i have a major depressive order myself. )
Yes, the therapy will have moments that are painful, but each time you get thru it, you will be a little stronger.
You are learning, and as long as you keep getting up one more time that you fall, you are succeeding.
Please continue to be honest with yourself and your doctor, you can do this!

Beth

Recovering alcoholic, major depressive disorder (finally being successfully treated!)

julez

Hi FD and thanks for updating us on your journey. Even though you've slipped a few times, think of all you have learned. I'm proud of you for actually going through with getting a counselor, and doing the homework! You keep that up, and you will one day stop "slipping" whatsoever. Back on the horse my dear!

feeling-good

Thank you. I know it was probably not a good title to go by, but it was how I felt at the time. I know the pain will help eventually, but I can't fathom how much pain there is to get out.

I thought I had got a lot out before, but the fragments left are possibly causing the worst pain. I never, ever, thought that at my age I would still be contemplating suicide nearly every day (actually, if I am honest, although, on the surface, I cope with work and every day life better than I ever have done, that's a lie, and deep down, I cope worse than I have ever done... sigh).

I struggle with the depression and, now the alcoholism. Actually, that's pants, I have struggled with both, probably now for a nearly equal length of time. Why didn't i see it earlier? I have sought help, but, I know now, never really committed to it - just got 'better enough' to last me for a year or so, but never *really* got to the bottom of it.

Would it be entirely inappropriate to ask people's opinions on something? I will summarise here, and see what people think.

From the ages of 14 to nearly 17 I had a relationship with a 30 - 32 yo man (I am now 36).

I believe what happened during that time may have impacted me, badly. My main recollections are crying, crying, crying - I think from horrible things that were said to me. I don't really know, because I think my mind blocked a lot out.

I know an over-eating compulsion started then (followed by strict dieting to 'please'), and a depressant situation and, later, I think, the binge drinking and now the alcoholism.

It's not all because of this situation, I know, but my question is, should I try and find out more about what was said to me then? I have thought of trying some regressive hypnotherapy or something but, maybe, if my mind doesn't want me to see it, that wouldn't be helpful.

Any insight, experience, thoughts etc would be helpful. Thank you everyone x

Dee74

Hi feelingdown

I think those are issues and questions you really need to talk through with a trained counsellor or therapist.

D

feeling-good

Dee - I know, you are right. I have been talking it through with my counsellor. I know I can't ask for medical advice here, I guess I am just wondering if anyone has any personal experiences to share. Gads, don't really know what I am asking (shrugs).

Ho-hum. It's a new day today for me here. One day at a time.

juliej71

Hi feelingdown, have only just read this thread after a few weeks away from the site. Hon, one thing I have learnt over the past two months going to regular AA meetings is that us alkies have a terrible habit of living in the past and in what may or may not happen in the future, but we're bloody awful at living in the now. I have spent the best part of my adult life full of fear and resentments and extremely depressed because I dwelt either in what had happened to me in the past (not so good) or what might happen to me in the future (probably worse). I was so afraid and depressed a year ago that I couldn't walk out of my front door to get the mail out of my letterbox for about 2 months. And boy did I drink big time to deal with these terrible feelings. For my own survival I cannot drink and so for my own survival I have to learn to live one day at a time. With God's grace I have managed to stay sober now for 7 months and I can tell you that for the first time in many years I am starting to feel that I am not such a bad person after all and that there may indeed by hope for me. Just take it easy, one day at a time, don't pick up a drink today and let tomorrow take care of itself. An oldtimer (37 years sober) told me at a meeting last week that the secret is to "keep it simple, just keep it simple". God bless you, you can do it.

wpainterw

I agree with both Dee and Julie J. With Dee insofar as he recommends that you take this issue up with your counselor, with Julie J. insofar as she observes that alcoholics tend to dwell too much on the past and not enough on the present and, as far as the future goes, taking it one day at a time and keeping it simple. My own experience has been that I eventually realized that I had been using past famiiy misfortunes and tragedies to "explain" and "justify" to myself my drinking. When things got tough and I ended up in a detox or rehab I would talk about all the stuff that had happened in my family. People would have to listen to this but few would say, "Hey! Can't you leave that behind now? You can't do anything about it. Aren't you using it as a rationale for your addiction? Isn't your mind playing tricks on you to justify taking a drink, something which your body thinks it needs since it's got itself so accustomed to alcohol?" Some folks seem to believe, "Oh if I could only 'get over' all the stuff that happened to me in the past, I would stop drinking!" I never 'got over" it and went to counseling for forty years. It cost a lot of money and bored a lot of counselors, who listened I guess because that paid their grocery bills. A skillful counselor should be aware of this problem.

W.

feeling-good

Update on me:

Things still 'up and down' re the alcohol, but still reducing my overall weekly intake (though the odd 10 unit or so binge thrown....). But starting to realise that this is partly evidential of a major (actually one major and a few minor) triggering thing that happened a few months back i.e. my 'current' alcoholic behaviour was triggered (note, this is *not* an excuse, I'm just saying this is what happened), although I have always abused alcohol in times of stress, I now realise.

Anyway, my counselling is going really well (if very heart-wrenching) and it is making me see a lot of things. However, I really, really don't *feel* well, which probably is because I am starting to enter early stages of healing (and am also starting to get hangovers which I wasn't getting for a long time, mainly because I was probably drinking most of the time). I mean I don't feel emotionally well or physically well. I am just getting by day to day. I am trying very very hard to live in the moment, but often the moment is not feeling nice or good. I am going to work every day M - F but don't really want to be at work, nor do I want to be at home. Le mini sigh. At least the weekends my family are making a big effort to do stuff that we all enjoy together - thank goodness for my lovely 5 year old.

I searched around the stickies for some additional support for my earlier posted questions, and have just joined up to Pandora's Aquarium which I am hoping will be very helpful in my overall healing journey. Thanks to whichever mod or other nice person put that link up.

I have realised something pretty major, though - when I first posted here, I was thinking that I *needed* to stop drinking alcohol, but now, which to me is a big thing, I actually *want* to stop drinking alcohol - maybe I am just about getting step 1 at last!

Thanks for reading.

SSIL75

Thank you for updating! Sounds like you're on the right path. It sounds trite but you really will feel better once you stop drinking. I mean the dragging feeling you have, not being able to enjoy the moment, etc. All that will be helped when you stop pushing toxins into your body.

Of course the counseling and website support will help all that. Keep on pushing through it. I think you're doing great.

feeling-good

SSIL75 - I know you are right about feeling better if I am stopped drinking all together - maybe that's why I now feel I *want* to stop as I know it is inhibiting trying to work on the other things.

I guess (warning, excuse time here), I *am* *choosing* to block out unwanted thoughts by drinking when I am drinking (which is *not* all the time now - whew!) until I can get to my 'safe' places to feel the thoughts and emotions (home, counsellors, doctor etc).

Duuurh, skewed thinking, I know. But thanks for reading and continuing to encourage me. I know I am going to get there in the end, but I am still scared.

Dee74

Thanks for the update FD - good to hear from you.

keep working at it, and working towards that goal
D

daphnedu

Hi Fd, I hope you are well. I have been looking out for you, as my sober date started the day you posted. Keep well, and keep thinkng about your lovely hubbie.

feeling-good

Thanks daphnedu - that's really nice to think someone is looking out for me. I do wish my sober date had remained as it had been, but, hey, it's a live and learn situation right now for me. How are things going for you?

feeling-good

NEW UPDATE: Well, quite some time has passed since this, my very first thread here on SR. Only Now can I truly say that I am Living Sober and have been for over a year. I have still much to learn but, hey, I'm here to learn it!

Shoebox62

Fantastic news, FG. I love it when a voice comes back from the past on these boards and tells us he/she is living sober. Not only is it inspirational, but it's a relief to know that a lack of communication doesn't always mean the worst. Please keep us posted on how you're doing and keep on doing whatever you're doing to continue your journey of recovery.
Stay strong!