DragonFIy

I'm new to this forum. Found AA nearly 2 years ago, when I was desperate for help, I had absolutely amazing 9 months of sobriety, just like that, given to me as a gift. I did start working on the steps straight away with a sponsor and also through a workshop. I got everything else, but the most important step 1. I was honest about it and talked with my sponsor and others.... Just didn't know if I was an alcoholic or maybe it was that I didn't know if I believed that AA is the only answer, if I was. Anyway tried some controlled drinking, which went relatively well, for a while... But as I found out it really wasn't the amounts or drink or what the drink was that got me, it was the hopelessness of everything.
So I went back to AA in February this year, but surprise surprise! I wasn't able to stop drinking. Yes for a week, or a month, but since going back I have kept drinking... I've read 'don't give up till the miracle happens', but it hasn't happened. I'm still drinking. Few days a week. Usually Thursday and Saturday nights. And nowhere as much as before, but I feel absolutely hopeless...

I've kept working on the steps and had a good look at Step 1, AGAIN, but my brain goes to mush now even from the though... I know I'm an alcoholic, but somewhere inside of me there is a doubt... and I don't know if it's about this program or my alcoholism or what. Just can't get it.

Anyone? Been here? I'd love to hear some thoughts.

Dee74

Hi DragonFIy

It's my experience I didn't want to admit I was an alcoholic either - I certainly didn't want to admit any powerlessness.

So while I sat doing this ....the years - and the damage to my health, my relationships, and to my sense of who I was - kept piling up.

It never gets better. I was lucky to pull out of the dive when I did...and the support and advice I got here helped me immeasurably in that.

I hope you find the support here as useful and helpful as I did

Welcome
D

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community......

There are many ways to live sober and well
some of our members do not use a structured
program...some do use others...and some of us are AA'ers.

Here is a list of various methods for you to explore

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Glad you joined us....please keep posting....

mama36

I agree with Dee...It NEVER gets better, you only dig deeper and get more hopeless and remorseful. It is not how much or how often you drink, it is how the drink affects you. Only you will know if and when you are going to finally decide if you are an alcoholic, but if you stick around here a bit and read some posts you will likely find your own words in those posts...words that you have in your mind but will never say to yourself or to anyone else...until you are ready to be honest with yourself.

D.

firestorm090

hey DF,

Welcome to SR.

Sounds like you may take issue with step one, so did I.

What I did was put step one aside and grab a sheet of paper w/pen, draw a line down the middle and put the pros for drinking on one side and the cons/consequences on the other. For me, the pros were short and the cons went on to the next page, and the next and the next till I just got pissed, crumbled them up, and tossed them in the trash. Then I pulled them out, straightened them out and posted them on my fridge. They are there still and I haven't drank since. Day 22 today.

I go to AA, and whenever I wonder if I'm powerless..., well, I just look at my list and there's my answer.

Today's a great day to start to get it.

DragonFIy

'I'm curious to know what are those 'many ways' and 'others'?

Juneof44

for me right now, step 1 is a double edged sword. it was easy to tell others I'm an alcoholic, but really getting it through my head that it's poison for me, to the point where I absolutely do not want it because I know I'm an alcoholic, well that's the tuffy. At this point, I don't want it because it is seriously jacking up my life, my family, my health, and my happiness.

But I feel like I just haven't gotten my head around the fact that I have a disease. No, not me - I tell myself. Heck, I even have the recurring thought that one day I may enjoy it again. This is the argument I am facing and this is why I am nowhere near done with the first step. I don't know how long it will take, could be years before I do. But that's where I'm at today, and I'll worry about tomorrow, tomorrow.

Hollyanne

Hi Dragonfly,
Been there! Well, was off drink, firstly with AA for 2yrs and a bit. I started drinking after a particularily stressful time involving a very good friend getting into very serious trouble with drugs/alcohol. I was "fabulous" and got her into rehab and was a great support to her and her hubby. However, I had stopped going to meetings(coz I was "fine").
I had nobody to talk to as it is a delicate matter. She lost her job and people were asking me about her. I had to be careful to protect her. I was also furious that she was treated very badly by work and it was a huge shock to me and her friends.
Anyhoo, I started drinking and had been really trying to get off it since May 2009!
Went back to AA and all but just couldn't kick it. I was also very unhappy with my life. Had a huge resentment to work and was lonely. I moved to Ireland where I am from and after getting involved with some family stuff (lonnngggg story) moved to my own house and again tried. Went to AA and after several attempts realised that I was doing something huge wrong.
I was not really trying very hard to NOT drink. I would hum and haw every time and then give in. I felt awful with the fear and disgust and the horror etc, might do 5 days again repeat. I thought if I can tolerate being out of commission for days, unshowered, drunk, passed out, out of contact hiding in the complete horrors with nothing being taken care of, Then I CAN TOLERATE 2 hours of longing for drink every day and it would still be easier than that?!
I am on day 10 now! So happy. I am doing daily meetings and trying to be in company until offlicense closes. It is definately different this time. I want it! I absolutely am dying for a drink still but I am beating IT at it's own game. I am going to put this effort in until the craving leaves me. It will, as it did before. However, I will not stop meetings and have embraced the steps etc. I am not doing steps yet as I am just concentrating on not drinking for now. I have an unofficial sponsor that I kind of fell into. She is a saint! And we are fast friends. I have found this site which is amazing. Stick with recovery and so sorry for huge rambling post. Hope there is something here that helps. Stick around and join in the chats etc. It is great and available 24/7. So much to read from all these people!
Hugs to you.

artsoul

I think a lot of us trip on the first step - I know I did (and occasionally still do). It has something to do with the label "alcoholic." But when I think about my attempts to control or stop my drinking, I have to admit I really needed help. I would swear off in the morning, only to cave in by that evening or the next day. It took a lot of willpower to go even a few days without it. If that's not addiction, I don't know what is. It certainly wasn't social drinking.

Alcoholism is progressive, so there are "stages." The good news is that we can stop a any point we want.

Glad you're here! Keep posting and reading. We're all behind you!:ghug3

CarolD

As you mentioned you were having problems.....^^^^^^
I posted a link to other programs...not only AA.
Before I came on line....I was unaware they existed.


Some of our members are successfully happily sober
without a formal program.

And....I do use God ...AA and SR for my recovery.

I hope you find your way back to solid sobriety

Snarf

Welcome DF, and thanks for joining us! I had a similar experience about 4 years ago. Tried AA, was doing great with not drinking, but really couldn't wrap my ahead around the whole "powerless" and "unmanageable" words. Just didn't think that was me. Fast forward 4 years later, and I had done tons of damage in my life. Relationships with family and friends were destroyed, got 2 DUIs, went back to school and dropped back out more than once, lost more than 1 job on account of my drinking...It just all caught up to me.

But I went back to AA, and found SR.com, and got serious about not drinking again. Dee is right; it only gets worse. I wish I had realized that before I went back to drinking those several years ago. Could've saved me tons of heartache, and God knows how much money.

Antiderivative

I highlighted the part which I think may be the problem. If you have a reservation about your alcoholism, then you are going to find excuses to drink. That has been my experience.

May I ask your thought process before you pick up a drink? What sorts of thoughts are you thinking before you start to drink on Thursday and Saturday?

You don't have to answer me if you don't want. However, I think it is important that you honesty look at your thought process before you start to drink? Is that reservation playing a role or is it something else that is driving you to pick up?

least

I never got into legal trouble, tho I should have, and tho I only drank at home alone I was sick of who I was becoming. I was sick of waking up feeling horrible and hating myself. But every time I quit I still had drinking in the back of my mind, had to fight off the desire to drink. This time I stuck with it and now have ten months and no longer want to drink... and my life is so much better now. No way I'd go back to that hell...

coming_clean

for me....

continue to use drugs = death...
living sober = life...

It took a lot of time for me to realise this, now everthing is going better then anything before...

Life doesn't get easier, but it sure get's better..

DayTrader

Hopeless ppl don't have doubt. Sounds to me like you're holding out for the 1 in a million shot that you're really NOT an alcoholic and that your drinking will somehow get better on it's own. --I did the same thing....ppl in this thread have posted they did the same thing....most of us have.

So get honest with yourself about what you're thinking.

Ya know, if you're an alcoholic or not, it should be pretty darn obvious that the manner in which you're living your life is either working or not working. Now, you can continue on with it the way it is....and hope it'll get better on it's own or you can choose to do something different.

Your own real-life experiences should show you what path makes the most sense. The real question is which one are you going to walk down? Choosing path B wishing you were on A does NOT yield the same results of actually walking path A.

traderjane

I have never been good with labels myself, Dragonfly. What helps me is what Carol has said on the Alcohol forum time and time again:

"Alcohol is a substance that is harmful to both alcoholics and non-alcoholics alike."

So to me, in the end, the label is irrelevant. (I know others might disagree with me on this.) But alcohol was doing damage to me physically, emotionally and spiritually and I am much happier without it. Even though I cannot get my hands around that label "alcoholism" I think the decision to stop was the right one.

Don't worry about the label if it's tripping you up and do what's best for you!!! One day at a time is a good way to start, and for me, it seems to be the only way to do this. You will feel better soon. Good luck!!!

keithj

Hi DragonFly,

I've noticed a real tendency in recovery (or not) circles to think that, just because someone could put together a few months of not drinking in the past, they will be able to stop again once they start back up. It's not always true from what I've seen.

My first experience in AA was right out of rehab. I got very involved, had a home group and sponsor, but never really took all the Steps. I didn't do what was suggested, and after 7-8 months, I got drunk and stayed drunk. Very typical story. I didn't follow the directions.

When I stumbled back into the rooms a few years later, drunk and hopeless and unable to go a day without drinking, I heard the message loud and clear. That I was a hopeless alcoholic whose only chance was a spiritual awakening. I simply lacked the power to not drink. All of the consequences in the world were not going to keep me sober. Get me sober, maybe, but not sufficient to keep me sober.

When I stopped 'working' on the Steps, just stumbling around them doing what I thought was best, and actually 'took' the Steps according to the directions in the BB, I recovered just like it's promised.

Mcribb

I give up. I'm An alcoholic. If AA our whoever I want to get help from wants me to pray to a bannana. I am willing to give it a shot, anything from make me feel better. I believe in a higher power, my God, you come first! GOD!

childofnite

Hi Dragonfly.

For me, I think this was a two-fold issue.

1) I wasn't ready to admit that I was an alcoholic. It had dirty-bum-in-the-backalley connotations - and I am a successful, attractive well-off married woman in my mid 30's. I also had so much trouble getting over the BS 'fact' that drinking = FUN. I had very little fun throughout my life until the last few years, as I used to weigh 350 pounds, and now weigh about half that. So I had HUGE problems with the 'fact' that I couldn't go out and celebrate my newfound freedom from obesity.

2) I do not subscribe to any type of religion, nor do I really believe in God. I am hard pressed to find something (or someone!) I hate more than people that attempt to push religion on me in some way. I know there are many members in AA, and that is fine if it works for you. For me, I *SHUT DOWN* whenever God was mentioned.
I think that the 'give it all to God' attitude actually removes all personal responsibility to recover and STAY recovered from addiction. I was also upset with the fact that people in the AA group I attended said "God", then looked at me and said "as you understand Him." Well, I DON'T, because I am not a believer in Him! So, if it was necessary to have a HP of some kind to recover, I wasn't able to recover = stinking thinking = relapse for several months for *me*.
Think of it this way: How well do you think you would recover if you were a believer in God if the (silent) requirement was that you worship and put your addiction in Satan's hands?! Read in tongues (prayer, reading the steps which have the his name in most of them) during meetings, sit around a lit pentagram?! Probably not well. People I have talked to about AA don't GET this, and how I feel about it, but it was *absolutely* the reason *I* could *not* get well in AA. It was a HUGE roadblock for me, and was getting in the way of my success and sobriety. It was only when I found this site, and the secular board specifically that I felt I had a place to go that I could get help. And if I read about 12 steps, or God, I could nod respectfully and move on to the next thread. You can't do that in an AA meeting... LOL!

So maybe one of these things rings true for you.

Good luck!

Kjell

What else can I say but welcome to the world of alcoholism.

For me, for a very long time...I was an active alcoholic, but living in serious denial. ...and just simply b/c I somehow avoided any serious consequences, there was really no reason for me to change for the better part of my drinking career.

Now, fast forward to my last few years of drinking, blackouts, getting fired, broken up with, debt out the wazzzoooo, wrecks and dui's. Not fun stuff, but very easy for me to see I've got a problem, but it still took a few YEARS for me to finally admit that I'm powerless over alcohol. Why? b/c I didn't want to be one. Simple as that. Who does, right?

I'm on step 9. I have a sponsor, I chair meetings, I work with other alcoholics and I pray, pray, pray for a contact with my HP and his will alone. ...and b/c of that, I'm going on 9 months sober and I believe I've found a solution to my alcoholism and I only needed to be willing. How about that?!

Be honest with yourself. If you dig deep - you already know the answer.