barliegirl

Well...today starts #4 and I feel scared. Funny, huh? Scared is what I should have felt when I was drinking gallons of wine and not giving a damn. Now I feel scared because, right now - just starting this course - I can screw up at any moment.

I was keeping myself busy all night just trying to get through day 3 and thought that I could do it. I went to bed, finished my book and then....my husband came home from work (12:30 a.m.). I hear him cracking open a can of beer and guess what I want to do? Have a drink! I sort of yelled, "Good Night!" and tried hard to ignore him until I fell asleep.

I'm finding I'm scared because I am damned if I do, and damned if I don't. I am damned if I don't (because I didn't take care of things when I was drinking) and damned if I do (oh, aren't you the one now....not drinking and thinking she's so perfect!)

I went through my husband`s seizures, rehabs and recovery twice before and held it all together and now this is his 3rd season of drinking. I am not sure if I can hold it together but I want to do it sober.

I`m just scared.

firestorm090

When I was on day 4, it wasn't safe for me to be within twenty feet of a beer, for if I had been that beer would've been gone, down the old pipe.

The first few days are the hardest, and it takes real guts to stick it out, and my only advice would be to tell him to either take his beer elsewhere, or you're gonna kick his butt!

augustwest

i think it's normal to be scared in early recovery. a certain amount of it might just be healthy, indicating an understanding and respect for our disease. to this day, the reality of what will happen if i start using again scares the szhit out of me, but i'm not afraid that i'll actually use today, if that makes sense.

what i've learned about myself is that my fears today arise when my mind is either focused on the future or remembering the past. when i bring my attention to the present moment, i see that i'm ok, i have everything i need, and that i'm equipped to handle this moment if i'm present with it. now if i'm wasting this moment projecting into the unknown abyss of the future, things can get dicey.

daily meeting attendance and contact with recovering addicts and my sponsor were incredibly helpful and important at first, and still to this day.

least

Welcome to the family. I hope we can help you feel less afraid.

Renee65

stay strong Barliegirl...I'm on day 4 too...congratulations

augustwest

daily prayer and meditation are also critical in my recovery for a myriad of reasons, and allaying fear is definitely one of them.

Mcribb

I was scared as hell. One hour minute at a time.

BiggestScrewUp

I'm on day 4 too!

Hang in there! We'll do it together!

scared1

Day 4. I have beer in the house, I want to give to my brother-in-law when I see him. I craved beer real bad yesterday but I refrained. I have never made it more than 6 days sober before so I am determined to stay sober as long as I can.
I tell myself in stressful situations that alcohol does not help. I have to face life, I can't ignor things that happen. I tell myself to focus on the good I have in my life and to try to make my kids proud of me. I remind myself that 1 drink turns into more than I can count, turns into drunken stupidness, embaressments, shameful feelings, and utter depression and sadness and wanting to be left totally alone. It's not worth it.
BUt I know it is my problem, not anyone elses. I have to work through it and be strong for myself and for my kids.
Good luck, stay strong. Be positive. We can do it!!

jamdls

BGirl, keep reminding yourself that it will get better and it will get easier. If you don't have any F2F support stay close to SR and read and post often. Remember you are #1, take the best care of yourself.
God be with you.

barliegirl

I've made my family dinner and am so thinking of watching TV tonight sans wine, but want some anyway. Thank you to all who have sent encouragement. I will come back often and post often.

I am thinking in terms of what sorts of things I've tackled that I have left undone for the summer and working hard at being proud of my mini accomplishments. I spent the summer at the hospital with my Alzheimer dad and just buried him a week ago. I have been an emotional wreck - talk about raw nerves. I am so used to being the 'strong one', the 'level headed one' that I am afraid to show my vulnerability to anyone and am very thankful that I can post here. You all know what it is like only I can't believe how needy I feel. How 'not in control' I feel.

I am going into the basement tonight and searching for, and pulling out, my husband's AA books that we stored in a bookcase we have in the workroom. I have to be honest and say that I am afraid to go into 'that room' because my husband has a whole bucket of wine brewing and there are 3 bottles left unopened. On other days I could walk in there, search for 'whatever' and never think twice. Remember, 'what I cannot have, I want'. However, I want to start reading those books.

Please pray, or send your best thoughts. One hour, one minute, one second at a time. Thank you.

Dee74

Hi barliegirl

I remember being really scared too - I was scared of drinking, and maybe even more scared of not drinking. The folks here really helped me.

You're not alone

Welcome to SR
D

barliegirl

After I finished posting, I went to the basement and found the books! In, out! Thank God, I feel that if I have the books at arm's reach, I can look and study and know that I am not in this by myself. For this, I feel I can give myself a pat on the back. Now I have something to look forward to this evening.:ghug3

Skeets

I am scared too. Thinking "what will I do it I don't drink?" I am more scared of "not drinking" than of "drinking". I feel you. We can all do it together. I am so glad to have found SR.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss barliegirl.

I can identify with feeling vulnerable and needy and out of control - it was difficult for me to be all those things....to allow myself to be all those things....but I'm glad I reached out here...I know you will be too

D

ozgoddess

Hi Barliegirl

I think the advice of getting the alcohol out of the house is a good one. I know as addicts we can make up any reason to drink, and can easily go out and buy the stuff but if it is at arms reach, then in those moments of "terror" it is too easy to pick it up.

I am 6 months sober but still wont allow alcohol in the house. Anyway, that's my experience.

Hang in there and keep posting

Saliena

Wow BarbieGirl... when I lost my mom I started a large drinking and drug binge. You are super strong for trying to do this now. Please remember to be kind to yourself. You are worth the effort you are putting into it.

I hear ya on the wine... I was/am a big wine drinking.... I am working on it... Most days it goes well... today is day 4... and I had 9 days... but, then last Friday happened... and now it is time to forgive myself... get to my meetings... and start over. I know we can do this.

PalmTrees

Hi Barliegirl--Please accept my condolences on the passing of your beloved father. My mother is very ill, Alzheimers also, and it is very very difficult to handle-and I've been sober for a few years. I felt myself cracking--that's why I joined this group/forum. The people have been really nice and very helpful... I hope you are doing well. I remember being so scared and vulnerable in early sobriety. I still keep my AA books in my nightstand, and have recently pulled them out and started hitting them harder. God grant me the serenity....that's my mantra right now--and I say it A LOT. You really are taking a lot on all at once aren't you? ;-) I also had a husband who didn't want to abstain from beer while I was in early recovery. So I understand what you're going thru in that respect also. (seems like we have a little bit in common, huh?) Just wanted to say welcome and please keep coming back-the people here are really a good support and very kind.

oh and BTW--you're NEVER alone--because I will always be here for you if you need anything......and I'm sure the many other wonderful people here will be here as well. PalmTrees

PalmTrees

Saliena--congrats on Day4 and good job forgiving yourself... you can do this!! Glad you took the time to post...keep coming back here too! PalmTrees

coffeenut

I was scared, too. How was I ever gonna live through a weekend w/o a drink. And holidays? What would I tell people.

Turns out...being sober is absolutely the best move I ever made. And the person it meant the most to, was me. I'm worth sobriety.

Welcome to SR.....I think you're spot on reading every single thing you can get your hands on.