my breif story
 

Wanted to share my breif story and what has helped me so far.

43 years old, male, drinking for over 20 years, binge mostly up to over 1/5 of rum a day almost every day the past 2 years. Led to a divorce a couple years ago, have a blessing; 5 year old son out of it. Been a functioning alcoholic the entire time except recently. Career successful, personal life a wreck. This bled into my career and I am on STD for a bit, job was spared for some reason, I am damn lucky. Am damn lucky I haven't had legal issues. Have had health issues recently, ulcers due to alcohol and probably liver damange and more. Had 3 suicide attempts over the past few months, 2, a couple weeks ago. Was drunk, taking sleeping pills with my car in the garage, I came to and got out of the garage before I was dead and called ambulance to get me to take me to the hospital. Fell down the stairs and broke my nose, my freinds got me and took me to the ER. I honestly don't remember anything but waking up in a CT machine. Felt more suicidal than ever. One time at he ER, I snuck out and took a bus to the city looking for a gun to blow my head off. I was so drunk, not only did I not find one but put myself in some danger as well. Almost committed myself to a mental hospital last week. I have been struggling for years whether I am a true alcoholic or not, every rationalization and justification in the world has went through my mind. I have tried to take the easy road and think that I'm the exception, thinking that I'm somehow "Special". Read every book I could on the subject on how to overcome alcoholism without AA, etc., Went to AA for a bit, kept me sober for 6 months a couple years ago, but the wife was making me go and I never contributed or worked the steps.
Present day, only one week sober. However, I've had a monumental shift in my life in this short period of time in doing the steps. The short answer would be I've had a spiritual presence enter my life which I was VOID of completely. I was always skeptical.
Went to an AA meeting last week for the first time in a long time, feeling suicidal and utterly hopeless, I got a sponser who has been taking me through the steps. I've never had a sponser and the first time I went back to AA, got one.
I always looked at going to AA as a jail sentence. My thinking has changed. I couldn't sit quietly in a room alone before this week. Now I have an inner peace I've never had before. All the money in the world couldn't buy this, and I've had financial success. I'd give it all up in a second to have this peace.
Come to find out, I'm not "Special". In fact, I've been extremely Selfish, Self-Centered, Inconsiderate and driven off of Fear most of my life. I am in the process of making ammends now. I am at the point that I will do whatever it takes to stay sober permenantly. I give up. Myself is and never was working.
I am still very frightened of relapsing as almost everyone says it will happen. I am trying to figure out my triggers, learning coping skills and taking action every day to work it. I have to stay the course and this is the big unknown for me. Through the grace of God, I pray it won't happen again. I've quite hundreds of time swearing to never do it again and I'm at a crossroads where I could loose EVERYTHING I have, home, car, job, custody and my LIFE. This may not be for everyone, but I am truely an alcoholic and fully accpet this now. The irony is, I thought of this as massively depressing before and now I have a totally different perception. I've found many times the answers are there, we are just not aware of them. That is the part of alcohol that is so deadly and deluting and I now realize what "insanity" is when said in the meetings of alcohol is. I'm trying to never take anything for granted. This is truely a disease and I feel from the bottom of my heart for all who are suffering from this addiction. I hope this will help someone, we are all God's children.
Thanks for letting me share.

I wouldn't worry too much about relapsing, just work on keeping your program strong and yourself healthy, both physically and mentally.:) Welcome to a very supportive place!:hug:

If you never pick up that first drink then you won't relapse.

Thanks for your post, All the best.

Peace

Well, you hear that a lot. BUT not everyone relapses. If you aren't 6 months sober, it can hardly be called a relapse anyway, since you only reach partial remission at 6 months, remission at a year (for those, like myself, who believe it to be a disease). however, relapse or going back out do not have to happen. That is up to the individual.

I choose to believe I will never drink again, I will never relapse, I will never go back out. Why? Because if I believe relapse is inevitable, well, quite frankly, it will be. Doesn't mean I am not vigilant, but my mind is set. I will not drink again.

Glad you rediscovered AA. Lots of people think it is okay for other people, but not for them. I think it works for everyone. But the individual has to be open and ready.

Welcome Sean (fellow Marylander). I know what you mean about finding it depressing in the past - to admit you're an alcoholic. In the end though, that admission saves our life. I was almost relieved to finally face up to it. No more trying to control my drinking, which I tried for decades. That was killing me.

When we first start coming out of our fog, it feels very strange. We've spent so many years being numb & not really growing or changing. We have to learn to cope with life without our crutch - some of us, for the first time. You sound ready to do this, and we look forward to hearing how you are! Be kind and patient with yourself as you get well, and don't expect too much at first. The sun will shine in your life again.

Welcome...you have plenty of support here. I am glad you are sharing and what I put at the foundation of my recovery is that I will never drink again...not even a sip. So no matter what rough patch I hit....I may not have the solution at that moment but I know I will not drink and everytime I have come through sober and I found a new way handling things.

You have a good program in place and you are determined. Don't drink and stay with support. Life is amazing in sobriety my friend!

Thanks for the replies. Hevyn, I do feel a big sense of releif now, like I had a secret that just I knew about. Reality is, most already knew, but I've been quite good at hiding it on the outside and a very good liar for a long time. Hiding is what I've done most of my life which I now have a sense of liberation. I even spoke at a meeting today for the first time which surprised me because I was pretty relaxed about it.

Hey Sean
sounds like you're turning the corner to me :)

Like everyone else has said, I don't believe relapse is a requirement in recovery - you're plugged in to AA, you're connected here, and you obviously have a deep desire to leave the old life behind and start a new sober one.

You have everything going for you Sean :)

D

Congratulations on your solid progress.....:funjump:

Welcome to our recovery community

I don't know who the "everyone" are, who are telling you that you will relapse, but I suggest you politely ignore them.

You are doing everything differently now, you are changing your whole life, and you never have to drink again.

Glad you're here with us.

I agree with Lexie,
You are in a different place, you feel. I think we all had to have a go in a few different ways but when we got "IT", we knew. I do not agree that it should be expected that one relapses. People do, and God knows I was like a ping pong ball until I figured out that everyone was at the table except me! I have said, the man above would have had to physically appear at the off-license door and say "stop! my child" and walk me home.
This would be asking a lot. I then started taking on the hardship of the cravings and going a few rounds myself with the devil knowing I was getting the support from AA and my HP.
Relapse does happen and that is why people say it is part of recovery, but not necessary!
You keep up the good work and you will make it and be so happy.