Maki

what do we do with the shame- from the consequential- gone wrong drinking behavior? A friend tells me to just give myself a break- but I have immense paranoia that people think or are talking about "that crazy drunk". I don't usually care what people think until i've put myself back into this bad- behavior position. Just feeling fragile and raw since my last binge.
Ashamed of the truth- out of control with no self esteem- it's scary and sad. Yeah, I'm messed up. At least maybe today I won't be drinking with friends in the middle of the afternoon or pounding a couple before I go see a movie. It's amazing how one drink for me can turn into 6-7 and a blackout without a second look.

KellySad

I totally know what you're talking about - I am, in fact, ALREADY scared to go to my mother and father in law's house for (Canadian) Thanksgiving on October 11, because I'm hurt them SO many times in the past when I was drinking.

KellySad

VERYSad.

trixieisme

For me, dealing with the shame/consequences had two parts. The first was how I dealt with it myself. After a crazy weekend at the bar, I would most likely stay home sunday and drink in my apartment, so that no one could see how I might end up acting. For lack of a better term, I just "drank it off". The second part was dealing with the people that had witnessed my actions. Most of the time, I was able to just shrug it off, because we were all a bunch of drunks, and we all knew how the others got. You'd just laugh about it and "drink it off".

The really shameful things...the ones that make me feel sick to my stomache when I think about them...I haven't yet figured out how to deal with them. I try not to think about them. I talked to a therapist for 6 months trying to deal with just one thing, and it didn't work. And, it actually made my drinking worse. When I try to face these issues is when I really start to crave a drink. So, I almost feel that it is best for me not to deal with them. To just keep them buried, until the day comes that perhaps I can deal with them and not want to nurse a bottle to tame my emotions...

augustwest

obviously there's nothing you can do to change the past, but you can stop repeating it. Stop being "drunk" and then you can work on "that crazy" part.

shame, guilt, self-esteem, self appraisal, amends for your past wrongs...are all addressed by working a 12 step program.

scared1

I feel your pain Maki, I am in the same boat as you right now. I want to be sober and show everyone the good side of me. It is going to be hard, but I can't live like this any more. The shame, fear and anxiety is way too much for me to handle. I hate this feeling and it makes me so sad.
We can fix ourselves together. Be strong.

KellySad

Thanks for your posting, Scared1.

I have hurt SO many people....I can't face the shame.

KellySad
EXTREMELY Sad.

jamdls

When I was drinking I dealt with the shame by getting drunk again, in other words I just stuffed it. When I stopped drinking the shame and guilt of many years kept slapping me in the face. I 'm not an AA person but I did go to a couple of meetings and the steps that dealt with writing out all our wrongs and making amends where you can really saved me, I had to forgive myself first and that took about a year to get a handle on it and it's something I continue to work on. We can't change the past but we can forgive ourselves and ask God for forgiveness (if you are so inclined), and we can most certainly govern how that past affects our present and future. Forgiveness.

scared1

KellySad, I know, i know, i know what your saying. How did this happen to us? I use to be able to handle my drinking. Now I am pathetic. It is extremely embaressing. I want to be normal again. I always shut the world off after I drink. I can't and don't want to face anyone. I lock myself up in my "cave" and just want to hide.
I didn't do anything too shameful this weekend, but I am ashamed of being so drunk, talking out of my @&%, and being loud and sloppy. It is really depressing how out of control my life has become due to drinking. This has to change now.

Kjell

Guilt - yes.
Shame - yes.
Remorse - yes.

I needed a deisign for living that would not only help me to clean up the past, but would also help me to stop making problems for myself over and over and over. I've found that way of life in AA. Maybe you should check it out too?

Also, some things just take time. How long depends on how long it takes us to change our thinking. Think about that.

Dee74

Like others here I had a lot of shame and guilt.

I had to accept that what's been done is done - I can't change the past.

But the present is another matter.

I tried my best to put aside 20 years of shame and just focus on today. I tried my best to be the person I wanted to be and I worked hard at that. It's harder to think about the past when you're busying yourself with the tasks at hand, y'know?

Three years ago I was the neighbourhood drunk, and had been for many years.

Now, it's very rare anyone remembers me like that anymore.

I've built a new life and I've let what I believe is the real me come through.

I've found people are very forgiving - I figure the least I can do is be that forgiving to myself.

D

LexieCat

The Twelve Steps of AA are designed to free us from the shame and guilt of the past, and to build new lives where we don't accumulate more of the same.

milwaukeeguy85

The shame and guilt are hard to get rid of, but doing it all over again is not the way to absolve yourself. As obvious as this sounds, you will get rid of those feelings when you decide to rid your life of drinking. Until then.... pretty much expect the same. Many of us on this forum have tried to "flirt" (aka moderate) with the devil, only to find ourselves lying in bed together time and time again.

Anna

Maki,

Shame and guilt made me stay in my addiction longer than I needed too. I didn't think I would be able to deal with all the negative feelings I had, and I have to admit it took quite awhile before I started to forgive myself.

I did find that writing in a journal helped me a lot. I spent most of a year writing down all the negative feelings I had, and eventually burning the journal.

Fiona630

Dee is right, people are very forgiving. Esp. if they know you realize you have a problem and are trying to do something about it. The important ones in your life will forgive you, the ones that have nothing better to do than run their mouths and remind people what you did aren't ur friends and dont deserve you worrying about what they think of you.

What I am doing is picking a particular moment, that I remember, and saying to myself..I forgive ME. I work on forgiving myself for that certain thing and dont try to forgive other things until Im done on that one. If that makes any sense. Some things are easier to forgive myself then others. I write a journal on my pc of everything daily. Make lists of moments I am so embarrassed about. For me, writing it out and actually seeing in words what I did does help in the forgiveness process.

The guilt and shame can be horrible, I know. But what I do works, for me. We all need to be less hard on ourselves and more forgiving. How is it that we can forgive a sig.nif other for cheating, best friend for lying, family talking bad about us but we cant forgive ourselves for making a fool out of ourselves in a drunken moment? If we can so easily forgive others then we need to forgive ourselves as well!

Hugs to you and love yourself.

Hevyn

I agree that living in the past & dredging up those horrible old memories just keeps us down - and tempts us to pick up again. We don't have to completely forget what happened, since that helps us to keep from going back there - but we can be kind and patient with ourselves as we get well. I always think of the drunk Hevyn as someone else entirely - she certainly doesn't resemble the real me.

I also agree that people will forget the bad times - when you show them who you really are, all the bad old stuff will fade from everyone's memory. I was stuck on square one for a long time because I wouldn't allow myself to move on - please don't do that to yourself.

Wishing you better days ahead, no longer haunted by the past.

Antiderivative

By putting the bottle down, you have a chance to address these emotions and overcome them. And that is a blessing and a great opportunity.

You are not alone. Most drunks I have met have felt the self-inflicted shame, remorse, guilt, and even self-loathing to one degree or another. There was a period in my life where I couldn't even live with myself. I wasn't necessarily suicidal, even though those perverse thoughts came into my head at times, but I didn't like myself and my feelings. I was messed up and had little self-worth.

Recovery is not just putting the bottle down, but building a healthier you. You have a great opportunity here. I would suggest that you be gentle to yourself, don't wallow in any self-pity, and embrace this wonderful opportunity that you have.

Mark75

Shame was a huge part of my experience... And because my experience involves people knowing/needing to know... on a somewhat regular basis... at work... I can easily fall back into that abyss of shame...

Working a program of recovery does in fact resolve much of the shame involved in whatever it was that happened, whatever wreckage I left behind. Many of the 12 steps in my program directly address that. In a direct and in a not so direct manner. I can't begin to explain how in a single post.

Humility, I think is the antidote.

Who gets through life unscathed? Who hasn't taken a wrong turn? We are only human after all... We are not so different you and me... Whatever standard I think I try to set for myself is only that of my own making... and so, I alone sit in shame... When I experience true humility (not humiliation) I realize that I am just a man with my own failures and victories. Was I really so perfect and special? No, I was not, am not now. And what relief and freedom I can experience once I become right sized...

I am just a man, trying to do the best I can, and mostly, it is good enough, sometimes it isn't, and sometimes... I exceed even my own expectations.

Humility, not shame, brother

lkc2010

You sound just like me. I've been in your situation more often then not lately and I've recently made some seriously bad (bad) mistakes. Its never 1 drink its 6-7.

But I'm 3 days sober. I can't live like this anymore. I feel your pain and that raw/fragile feeling. Hang in there -- we can do it but we need to believe in ourselves and want it.

I've been reading this website daily and its been helping. Hope it does for you too.

GlasgowGirl

I am also trying to figure that one out. A lot of my problems stem from shame. When I got drunk I didn't have these feelings, I felt free.

Unfortunately, as my drinking became a problem over the years, so did the feelings of shame. I hate myself the next day, to the point where I wish I wasn't even alive. Then because I can't cope feeling like this, I feel the need to drink again to block it out, and the cycle just keeps continuing.

I'm feeling a huge amount of shame right now, from getting drunk and embarassing myself, and pissing people off, 2 days ago.

But, I'm trying to look at the positives from it (even tho it's very difficult). If I wasn't feeling this amount of shame right now, I wouldn't seriously be thinking about getting help and also really trying to get it into my thick head that I can't keep going on like this.

stephnc

It's no accident that a lot of the responses in this thread mention AA or a 12-step program...the 12-step program of recovery addresses not only the drinking itself but the peripheral damage that drinking has caused - shame being a significant one.

I'm pretty early in recovery myself and am certainly no expert, but it seems to me that AA considers shame (or embarrassment or fear or self-pity) as a character defect that is just as self-centered as resentment against others...we can be just as harsh on ourselves as we are on other people and being harsh to ANYBODY - ourselves included - is toxic to us. Working the steps addresses this and teaches us a way of thinking and living which gets us outside of our own heads...in other words, cures us of shame and other negative emotions.

I also agree with the suggestions about writing or journaling about your feelings...writing has saved my sanity numerous times.

Finally, realize that what's been done is done...it's in the past and can't be changed...so be easy on yourself and just go from this point forward.

Best to you,

Stephanie