scared1

Hello,
I am writing this more for myself than anything else. I want to let out how horrible I feel today, So maybe I can look back at this post and remind myself why I should not drink anymore.
I am sad and depressed today. I feel shaky. I drank this weekend and blacked out again, like usual.
I feel like a terrible mother. I feel like everyone is ashamed of me. I make an ass out of myself. Thank goodness, I didn't offend anyone this weekend but I am still too loud and I am sure I annoyed everyone around me.
I woke up drunk yesterday morning so what did I decide to do? I decided to down 3 more beers before meeting my family for brunch. Then I proceeded to drink all the champgne that was on the table. Of course we went to my house and continued to drink after.
Today I feel sick to my stomach.
I want to be a better mom to my children. They deserve a sober mom. They are such good kids.
Lord please help me. Lord give me the strength to stay sober, to be patient and to be the mother my kids deserve to have. Please Lord, hear my cry, I am ashamed and feel so guilty. Please forgive me for my weakness.
I need help!!! And I want to be sober. I want to be a better person, a better mother, a better friend.
Im tired of not remembering anymore. Waking up and checking my phone history, to see who I called or texted when I was in my drunken stoopper. I feel sick and feel like calling in sick to work but I know it is getting obvious that I am only "sick" on Mondays. I am scared and feel like a horrible useless person.

jamdls

Scared, those sound like very good reasons to stop drinking. You don't have to do this alone, there are programs available to suit everyone and SR is always open as well. Keep posting and stay strong.
God bless you.

KellySad

I know exactly how you feel, Scared.

I find, though, that reading SR is giving me encouragement.

KellySad

lamar

maybe it will help to stop looking for the lord to help you. seems to me like you gotta look to yourself. good luck.

Evon

I've been where you been and I'm still very much new to it all. I felt scared and lost about how to go about getting my life on the right track, and I think that's how a lot of people feel. I remember saying I want to change and am not too much afraid of change, but the having to find a way to change and implementing it in my life, is what's hard. It's going to be a long continuous journey, but you're doing the right thing by admitting you have a problem and it'd be good to come here for the support with people going through the same thing. Maybe you can go to a meeting to just see what it's like.
I hope the best for you and stay strong.

julez

Scared, I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I've been there, and it sucks. You can do this for you, and for your kids. I will be keeping you in my thoughts!

alexvt

Hey Scared the weekend is in the past. No need to dwell on it. Today is the first day of the rest of your life. You now have complete control over today. Start today and don't look back. You never have to feel that way again because today you are sober. Take care! You can do this!

least

You're not a horrible person, you're an alcoholic and we drink even knowing the consequences. THere is hope tho if we stop drinking and stay sober one day at a time. AA could be a big help if you give it a good try. THere are other programs too, as well as methods like out patient treatment or addiction counselors. There are lots of ways to stay sober, the key is putting all your heart and soul and energy into it. I'm glad you've decided to get sober again. I hope this can be your last Day One.

Dee74

Hey scared1
Most of us fell a few times - I certainly did.

We're not bad people or weak - we're just addicted...and sometimes that addiction is hard to fight. It makes us doubt ourselves and makes us scared of the future.

But you're not alone You can do this.

Think about what you need to add to whatever you've been doing - whether that be AA or some other group, or counselling or rehab, or whatever...add it....and then move on. Focus on what you need to do now. Beating ourselves up over past events isn't much good.

I hope your last weekend can be your last weekend spent like that
D

OneWay

I am in the stage of "thinking" to stop drinking ,I hate those blackouts and embarassing moments as well . It can NEVER be just one or two drinks for me

I hope you find your was good luck to you

LexieCat

Scared,

I remember feeling just like you. I went into an AA meeting and was told I never have to feel that way again. That was two years ago and I haven't picked up a drink since.

Anna

I had feelings like that, too.

Please know that you never have to go through this again.

Fiona630

Scared,
I feel all that your feeling. I checked my phone and computer. I would get loud and sloppy and just be stupid. Black outs were common. I could never have just a couple drinks and be like a normal person. I only have 37 days sober, but they have been great. Hard come the weekends, but the pride I feel in myself everyday really helps my esteem. I quit several times and I think the longest I made it was maybe 10 days. But I always quit for the wrong reasons. I realized I had to quit because I love myself. I have to love myself because no one else can love me the way I need to be loved. I am my own worst enemy and best friend.

Love yourself and forgive yourself and take it minute by minute. U can do this!

Vanilla28

sound alot like me. when i was drunk, i was LOUD and if someone else would try to talk i would talk over them and LOUDER! i also would ask the same question five time and never remember the answer, was always told i was annoying too.

i used to do the drinking before meeting up with people and drinking more when i got there, then getting MORE for later.

just remember we are all in the same boat and we all have had alot of the same experiences, at least you are here! and we can be your support for help! god knows if i didnt start coming to this site after i quit, i would probably be drinking again by now.

you can do it!! trust me, most of us thought we couldnt at first either! just hang in there and be strong.

btw, your prayer to god for strength and everything, i used to do that all the time too. lol but finally realized no matter how much strenght other people gave me, it had to come from within me first before theirs would work on me.

just keep coming here, venting, questions, experiences, whatever it is, we are all hear to listen and give support!!

Suzie12

Scared, dont beat yourself up. You are not an awful person you are an addict like the rest of us. The fact that your realise that you have a problem is one huge step in the right direction.

The weekend has happened now, done, you cant change that so no use dwelling on it. Look to the future one day at a time.

If I feel down, lonely or just want to chat i go in the chat room, right here. There are some great people on there, you can discuss your fears, or have a laugh and a joke. Sometimes it helps just to have a little company.

When no one seems to care, remember WE ALL care about you here.

Big hugs,

Suzie xxxx

fighttowin

I feel your pain! I was there 8 days ago. I prayed for help from God for years, but I think he wanted me to do it for myself. Then came that day I hit the big roadblock. It has been diffecult to get over the cravings, but I think of that day, how it was and what has drinking ever did for me. I feel like God gives me signs to make myself better. Kinda like when I was in church Sunday some of the hymns hit me in the heart. You can do it and u are a good mom.

Kjell

I remember the insanity well. I feel for you as I turned into a blackout drinker and it's scary as hell.

You never have to drink again. ...but what's your plan?

DayTrader

My first plan was, be smarter, be stronger, don't f-up like I did a hundred times before, and not drink like I used to by summoning up all the strength and power I used to have but seemingly had gone missing in my addiction.


**^^^^^^^-- Warning -- ^^^^^^^**
-- that plan above sux if you're a real alcoholic -- .......unless you think habitual relapse is "working."

Zebra1275

As someone else said, what's your plan? What you have been doing up until know isn't working. You can't keep doing the same thing and expecting different results. Have you tried AA?

lkc2010

I'm on day 3. I've been falling off the wagon with bruises and scrapes to prove it. BUT. I've attended a meeting and made 3 days. Tomorrow will be 4. Hang in there! You can do it too.