trixieisme

I know I have seen this before...but I can't remember how long ago it was.

This morning, at an AA meeting, one gal was complaining about someone that walked out of the meeting. She turned to me and said "Well, he's just dry, not sober." So I asked her what the difference was. She went on to tell me that he had never done the steps, nor had a sponsor. But, while telling me this, she seemed to have an attitude in regards to this guy.

So, I guess I understand the difference, but what should it matter? We all go to those meetings with the same common goal: to get and stay sober. Should it really matter if you don't do it the same way as everyone else? Some people just don't do good with other people. I'm not sure that really gives anyone the right to think less of how someone has gone about their sobriety. Keep in mind, the "dry" guy has not touched a drink for over 25 years. Perhaps his way does work for him...should he be thought of any less for not following the program as it was written?

Any thoughts...?

Anna

One of the most important things I have learned in my recovery, is to not judge anyone else. I do the best I can for me, and that's all I can do. I have no right at all to judge someone else's recovery or anything else about them, for that matter. This is very liberating to me, and it solidifies my connection with other people.

Dee74

I agree with Anna.

I figure too much time focusing on other peoples recovery probably means I'm not focusing enough on my own.

D

least

There are many ways to stay sober, I don't think it's as important how you stay sober, only that you do. And someone else's program isn't my business... I have enough to do just managing my own.

ElegantlyWasted

Some people fail to realize they have control over their own thoughts beliefs and actions, but little else. It is possible for "dry drunks" to label other "dry drunks" "dry drunks". Some people are just not pleasant to be around regardless of whether booz comes into play. I've come to believe that AA is like anything else in life... You get out of it what you put into it... Just my ho.

Mcribb

everyone needs to focus on their own inventory especially this boozer

LexieCat

You said he "walked out of the meeting". I take it that was before the meeting was over? Without being there, or knowing whether that's characteristic behavior for him, it's not clear to me that she was being "judgmental" so much as explaining that there IS a difference between being fully recovered, in AA, as a result of working the Steps, and simply not drinking. For many people, just not drinking isn't enough for them to cope well with life. That's why a lot of people relapse. That's WHY the Steps exist.

AA is a specific program of recovery. Nobody is forced to agree with it, or follow it, but the Big Book is pretty specific about what you have to do to recover using the program.

least

I read somewhere that 'dry' was not drinking and feeling bad about it. 'Sober' was not drinking and feeling good about it.

yeahgr8

Honestly couldnt care les if someone is dry or sober anymore...but as you asked...

The whole point of AA is to work the 12 steps under the guidance of a sponsor who has done the same in order to get YOUR spiritual awakening...then you will recoverfrom alcoholism and go on to live a very productive, eventful and happy life...if you continue working the principles/steps in all of your affairs you will die a contened person safe in the knowledge that you have had a good life and touched others lives in a positive way...other option go out fighting, pissing and moaning and rue all the things you could have done with your life on your last breath still an insane alcocholic who may have been dry for some time...i think thats a pretty straight forward answer...

Ive met dry people that haven't taken a drink and if you had met them too you would get asponsor today and work the steps!

Antiderivative

I probably would have turned to the lady and said, "Your contempt for the guy is not spiritual". But I can be a smartass sometimes.

Some people in the rooms will gossip, looked down upon others, and will quickly judge. This behavior is beyond my control. The only control I have is whether I feed it by partaking in it or diminish it by removing myself from it.

oak

I don't like the distinction between dry and sober. I agree there's a difference between white-knuckling it and enjoying sobriety.

To me, it seems wrong to call someone else 'dry'.

I think there are so many valid ways to recover. And one path does not fit everyone.

Ten years ago, I went to AA and worked most of the steps. One of the main reasons I left was that people at my meetings would say that AA was the only way to be sober. Being told that there is only one path is a huge red flag for me.

If you get a chance, talk to the guy that walked out early and see what you think of him and his sobriety.

shaun00

..

You may find it more beneficial to your recovery to stay away from people that gossip and snip about others.

i find being around negative people to long ..grinds me down.

AA meetings are not the program of recovery.......the 12 steps are.
In order for me to recover from alcoholism i had to pick up the BB and engage in step work..

I did 100s of meetings without step work....and got drunk more often than not......i enjoyed the gossip.....the girls.....and the stories.
Problem was for me an obsession was tearing my head to pieces and lining me up for my next drink.

just me.

Kmber2010

Amen.

NEOMARXIST

I agree with Anna totallly.

CarolD

Hmmm....
the best way I have found to stop members who want to gossip
about another member is.....I

Love and tolerance of others is our code."

and walk away.


Alcoholics Anonymous, 1st. Edition,
Into Action, pg. 84

milwaukeeguy85

I think the 12 steps are pretty cool, except for the stuff about "needing God" etc. That is the type of stuff that turned me away from meetings and groups for a very long time. I do not enjoy praying with others (Imo praying should be an individual activity), but feel like I am almost forced to at my meetings.

Anyway this lady sounds like she needs to sort her own issues out. The last thing ANYONE should be doing in AA is judging others (even under their breath). Half the meetings I go to are littered with court ordered people that do not even want to be sober, but I still pay them the same respect that I treat anyone with in those meetings. I would totally called her out and let her know that in the future she can keep her comments to herself, or at least keep them away from me.

bellakeller

Everyone has a right to their own path of recovery. Even those who've been court ordered to attend meetings. Who knows, they might hear the one thing in the one meeting that gets them to their own turning point.

I know when I see those folks newly in meetings I see my own face reflecting back at me and it reminds me of where I've been and where I could be at any given moment. But for some grace that I know is beyond me, for this given moment, I am not in that place and I feel grateful. It is not because of myself alone that I am sober today; something and someone(s) else helped me get there today. If not me, then what?

My program teaches tolerance. It's taught me to avoid sarcasm (though that's been my sole form of humor up til this point - damnit, I sometimes miss it!), to avoid gossip (damn, I miss that too!), it's taught me to shoot for patience even when it's the last thing I want to do.

trixieisme

Thank you so much for your feedback.

I'm not sure why he walked out of the meeting. He did watch the basket get passed around and there were 3 of us in a row that didn't put anything in it (in my defense, my purse was in my car because I had just worked the pancake breakfast and didnt want to leave it laying around). Perhaps he found out that the proceeds of the breakfast (which he had just dontated to and thoroughly enjoyed) were not going to the club, but were going to another cause. Or, there was a gal there with two young children, one of whcih was a baby that tends to get fussy. So who knows why he walked out. But, I was bothered when she started talking about him. This was a gal that a couple ppl had told me would be a good person to sponsor me. I'm a little glad that I didn't listen to them.

Like you all have said...I have a hard enough time managing my own life...I can't attempt to keep up with what's going on with everyone else. I guess one up side is that we will *hopefully* be moving back East in a couple months, so I will be able to work on my own path of sobriety. Like I have said, I do enjoy the meetings. Just not the drama.

artsoul

That's the problem with judging: we don't really know what's going on in someone else's head. We also don't know where they've come from. If someone ever says that to me, I think I'd just say "I'm sorry to hear they might be having a hard time - maybe you should pray for them."

I'll bet that would make her think.....

DayTrader

Maybe she is but was just having a bad day / moment of weakness. If she comes recommended by ppl you respect, I wouldn't let one flip remark totally discredit her. Some of the best ppl I know in AA screw up once and a while....some more often than that.