oak

OK- More than creeping in. That thought has moved into my head and gotten quite comfortable. Scary!

My husband leaving town is a huge trigger for me, because he does not drink and would be frightened to see me drinking. He'll be away some over the next few weeks. "Coincidentally" the thought that I am not really an alcoholic and really did not have a problem with alcohol has become a constant thought.

I have been able to stay sober (Day 24). I know there are things I can do sober that I cannot do drunk or hungover. I know I don't want alcoholism to get worse for me by more drinking. (I stopped fairly early, before huge damage.)

I will do a list of pros/cons of drinking and being sober. And a list of why I stopped. Hopefully, it will help to look at evidence of why drinking was a problem.

I really love sobriety. Part of me is hoping I don't give up sobriety. The idea of drinking makes me want to cry, yet part of me still wants to. The push-pull ambivalence is so difficult for me.

I know I am responsible and in charge of what I put into my body.

Thanks for reading!

suki44883

I can't really think of any "cons" to being sober. Is it really worth the risk? Many, MANY people have been where you are, only to attempt drinking again and finding out that they are soon out of control and right back to where they were. I repeat...is it really worth the risk? What's so great about alcohol anyway?

leo21

Hey oak hang in there - i'm on the same day as you and sometimes those thoughts pass my mind. One did during lunch when I was at one of my old 'pitstops'. Without thinking, my feet led me straight to the drinks but I snapped out of it cause it was a habit from old repetitions. I got my lunch and snack anyways but before I left I felt that thought creep in and nag me for a minute.

If you are like me, you don't wanna lose 24 days and start over. It's just not worth it. I played it thru really quick at lunchtime and said "whew!!"

Can you go to aikido to get yourself centered a bit?

GettingStronger2

I can relate to the husband out of town trigger. Although my husband and i drank together daily at night, when he went out of town, that is when i would go on a binge. He has been out of town at least twice over the past almost 4 sober months (my last binge he was, well out of town!). It hasn't been bad. In fact, it has been better.

You can do it.

Tell that thought: "It really doesn't matter if I am or I am not. I am not drinking."

FBL

Oak, I had some of those same feelings, especially early in sobriety. I was able to get through those days by just taking the "one day at a time" approach...sometimes it was even "one hour" at a time, but it's all been even better than I'd imagined

Boleo

Funny you should use the term "constant thought". Lets see, who else thinks like that???

Dee74

go back and real old posts Oak - remind yourself why you're here.

I call it the old alcoholic switcheroo - 'I've gone 24 days without it, so maybe I have control over it now....I'll be ok...just one night...maybe two...'

Been there done that - opened a franchise.

Don't be silly like I was.
You know what's right for you Oak

D

julez

During the days that I wasn't coming on here, like I posted, I had been drinking here and there. Actually moderated my drinking and was doing ok with it. But did I feel GOOD about it? Well no, not really. The days I spent totally sober meant a lot to me. And as I took those couple days, and drank a little, I was so constantly worried about "oh am I buzzed? Am I pushing the limit? Is this ok right now?" that it took any relaxing I was trying to do out of the equation. I recognized the anxiety involved in having to think that hard about it. This is up to you, and even if you have some success moderating, like I did, eventually it will feel wrong to you. And thats BEST case scenario. We all know what the worst case scenario is... Do you want to risk it?

GettingStronger2

Absolutely. Drinking is NOT an option. It may be a choice, and you may drink again, but for me, no matter what is thrown at me, be it stress, success, fun, sad, doubts as to my alcoholism, whatever, drinking is not an option. It is off the table. That is the only way I can be sure of my sobriety forever.

Sponsors are harsh if they are good. In my darkest day, I intentionally didn't call mine. I already knew what she would say. I got through it. They are there for help.

bellakeller

Once I take a drink, my world gets smaller and I don't have the power of choice that I do when I am sober. When I take the first drink, I cannot predict what will happen next. Maybe I will stop right there for now, maybe I will drink and drink until I pass out. I can't tell you what will happen to me. I don't end up with the power of choice in that case.

I do know that when I drink bad things happen. Maybe not every time, but I can trace back so many bad things that have happened to me and others around me to my drinking. My drinking has consequences - whether I drink one drink or four or thirty-six, now I have consequences every time. That's about all I can predict.

Life is so unpredictable as it is. I don't know why I would want to encourage more unpredictability? Life throws me so many curve balls, why would I want to create even more to deal with? I can't anymore.

least

People who don't have a problem with alcohol rarely, if ever, ask themselves if they have a problem with alcohol. Just sayin'...

BurningChrome

Oak,

DRIVE those thoughts out of your head with extreme prejudice!! That's your animal brain that ONLY seeks pleasure talking to you, SO easy to forget the bad and the terrible times, SO easy to recall the past enjoyment of drinking with NO responsibilities! It's just Not an option, repeat that to yourself over and over. Your wanting to drink is irrelevant, you just can't do it! If you do, you will be re-addicted with _Amazing_ efficiency! The first bottle Will lead to the second, then to the third, etc. We've all been there! Learn from our collective experience!
I know you can do this! Be strong, Stay busy, Talk to you husband on the phone 3-4 times a day including later in the evening where you can talk without slurring your words and feel good about it!
Be stong Oak, make a plan before hand and stick to it! One day at a time is all it takes!
Wishing you the best,
..Mike

LawMama

I have been where you are. In fact, I always joke with my sponsor that I find myself going back to the 1st step (admitting I am powerless over alcohol) almost daily because my alcoholic brain likes to tell me that I'm such a high bottom drunk that I really could drink again and maybe have some fun before I hit bottom again. I have a little game I play with myself where I remember some of my worst, most embarassing, shameful behaviors and ask myself if someone else acted that way, would that person seem normal to me? The answer is no. I also sometimes think of all the stuff that didn't happen to me (drunk driving arrest, drunk driving accident, losing custody of my child, rape, getting evicted, you name it) but could and WOULD have. That gets me on track.

If all else fails, I tell myself "well, I'm not going to drink today, maybe I'll drink tomorrow." By then the feeling passes and I'm glad I stayed sober.

If you have free time on your hands and you are going to be lonely, maybe consider an AA meeting, exercise, cleaning, laundry, whatever you can think of to stay busy so you aren't sitting around thinking about drinking.

CarolD

Oak.....

For me to stay quit.....
I had to want sobriety ... more than I wanted to drink.

With that in mind....I pray for your willingness.

What's not to like?
Sobriety has given me a win .... win life.

LaFemme

Just a thought...stop even wondering if you are or are not an alcoholic and embrace being a non-drinker.

oak

Thank you everyone. I hope this gets easier. I cried as I read all of your responses. They were all very helpful. I'll be ok and sober tonight!

Since I don't want to drink moderately (I want to get drunk), I keep reminding myself of the risk. I am amazed that I still want to get drunk. I don't like the taste of alcohol (mostly). And most of the things I love doing, I need to be sober to do. Thank you for the reminders to focus on what I love about sobriety, worst-case scenarios of drinking, and embarrassing/dangerous memories of drinking.

I really don't know why I suddenly started drinking again and obsessing about alcohol. (I had been sober 16 years, but relapsed in late July and all of August.) I was unhappy and unfulfilled for about a year before I started drinking again. That obviously had a lot to do with it. And then I went to a transformative workshop that shook things up, and the last night of the workshop, everyone went to dinner together. Seeing other people drink triggered the urge to drink. And I started drinking a few days later. Now- stopping is so hard. The good part is that I know I need to create a life worth living and find more ways to enjoy life.

Yeah- probably most 'non-alcoholics' don't post here and have urges almost everyday. I do see the irony in thinking "Drinking is not a problem for me" and "I want to get drunk a lot." Very contradictory thoughts!

In the past, I was able to decide that I would not drink again. I cannot seem to commit to that right now. I can do one day at a time, or one breath at a time. I am impressed by people who can make that life-long commitment. I do think it would be easier than the struggle that I feel. I will start telling myself that I am done with alcohol and hope I start believing it soon.

I like the idea of thinking of myself as a non-drinker. I guess I am that today.

My world did get much smaller when I was drinking. That really sucked.

I wrote down a list of advantages and disadvantages of drinking (and advantages and disadvantages of being sober). That was helpful. (Form was on the SMART website, if anyone else wants to use it. Form is called 'cost benefit analysis'. But you could just use a blank sheet of paper.)

I recently read a quote that I liked. ""Only an alcoholic thinks that they need to hit a lower bottom in order to be alcoholic." (anonymous)

I really hope I don't achieve a lower bottom.

Thanks!

suki44883

I really hope I don't achieve a lower bottom.

You don't have to. Come here and talk with us, or find an AA meeting. If you truly don't want to drink, you don't have to.

NewMe11109

Hi Oak -

One of my favorite quotes about the "Am I an alcoholic?" question comes from the book Drinking: A Love Story by Caroline Knapp.

When you question your alcoholism, you say to yourself: If I am an alcoholic, I shouldn't drink and if I'm not an alcoholic, I don't need to. That's a nice piece of logic. You say: People who aren't alcoholics do not lie in bed at two-thirty in the morning wondering if they're alcoholics. A good reality check.

oak

NewMe- I like the quote. It's great logic! I'll add that one to my list of quotes.

suki- Yes- you are right. I don't have to. thanks! It helped reading what you wrote.


I am watching 'When a Man Loves a Woman'. Great motivation to stay sober.

LexieCat

My sponsor always tells me (high-bottom drunk that I was), "Every bottom has a trap door."