Taking it to the limit... Advice please?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Taking it to the limit... Advice please?
So, all of my life I have be one who tends to take things to the limit. I have not known many limits in my life.
If it was my career I was going to be the best at what I did.
If it was a pay then I was going to make the most money.
If it was food I was going to eat till I could stuff anything more in my mouth.
If it was drinking I was going to drink until I either puked or passed out… or puke then drink more until I passed out.
If it was working out I was going to do it till my body couldn’t take it anymore.
If it was riding a motorcycle I was going to punch the gas until it would go no faster.
If it was doing drugs… I was going to get so high I could see the eyes of God.
If it was school I was going to be the very best student there was.
Say that I live life in the fast lane is an understatement. And, thinking about it … this type of living has brought me a lot of good things… and a lot of bad things.
The good things:
I was an orphan from my family at the age of 15. I grew up fast and on the streets or in state’s custody. I learned quickly the only person I could rely on to get me out of a bad situation was myself. I was smart enough to know that education was the only way to get truly what I wanted at the time. Which was to make my family sorry they had ever abandoned me. So, I went to high school graduated top 3% of my class. I went on to the best school and got a wonderful education. By the time I was 30 I was earning close to six figures. Then by the time I was 32 I blew pass that. That has allowed me to have finical security. Something you don’t know when your family lives on money supplied by the government… or as a ward of the state. I vowed I would never allow another person to control me with money or lack there of. I would always supply for myself.
At age 25 I was almost 400 pounds. I controlled my issues of abandonment with food. At the age of 28 I had a gastric bypass and lost 200 pounds. I was no longer able to eat the amount of food that I once did. So, I started drinking to mask my emotions… to be my escape. And, that was bad… because my 190 pound body couldn’t handle the amount of liquor that my 400 pound body could. And, I spiraled downward. It took me a couple of years to get to the point I am at now. I want to quiet drinking. It is a daily battle. I am on day 6. I am attending meetings. And, I can tell the change that is going on in an inward change finally… and not just lip service because I am afraid I will lose someone or something. I have quit before for 300 other reasons THEN I see myself in the mirror and I truly know I have a drinking problem. As a matter of fact this is the first time that I have ever wanted to quit without a major catalyst from a 3rd party. That is kinda how I know it is real.
The problem is this. Since I am not drinking to extremes anymore. My body wants the extremes in other ways. I am eating my way through the day again… then I will go and work out like a mad woman for 2 hours a day because of guilt of everything I have eaten. But, then I will be like “well yeah! Atleast I didn’t drink today…”… and don’t get me wrong. That is a really really big YEAH.
But, I am starting to wonder if my problem isn’t my personality more then the drinking or the food. And, I am in therapy for the first time in years and I am enjoying. But, all my therapist wants to talk about is my drinking. But, in truth my drinking is just another excuse for me to mask my issues of abandonment, lost youth, heartache of the child I lost.
I wish I knew better how to explain this… we all drink for different reasons. I drink because my emotions would become to much. I need to escape. The problem is on day #6 I still feel that need to escape. That is the problem I don’t know how to deal with.
I know I am an alcoholic because of the way I crave drinking now. But, I don’t know where else / how else to deal with everything that is now there. It is deep, dark, ugly stuff. And, I think I would just rather not deal with it. I would rather find some way to kill the pain.
One of the AA meetings I go to happens in a detox program. And, I look at these people that are in the detox program. And, I know it so easily could have been me there. But, it wasn’t alcohol didn’t ruin my life. I have a good life, with an amazing and supportive husband, an amazing home, and all the trimmings. But, inside I sometimes feel like that little child that is hold her favorite toy. I feel like it is just a matter of time before some bigger kid comes along and ripes my favorite toy from me. And, I am just left there deserted and crying for the toy/life I miss so much. How do I heal that child at 35 years old?
If it was my career I was going to be the best at what I did.
If it was a pay then I was going to make the most money.
If it was food I was going to eat till I could stuff anything more in my mouth.
If it was drinking I was going to drink until I either puked or passed out… or puke then drink more until I passed out.
If it was working out I was going to do it till my body couldn’t take it anymore.
If it was riding a motorcycle I was going to punch the gas until it would go no faster.
If it was doing drugs… I was going to get so high I could see the eyes of God.
If it was school I was going to be the very best student there was.
Say that I live life in the fast lane is an understatement. And, thinking about it … this type of living has brought me a lot of good things… and a lot of bad things.
The good things:
I was an orphan from my family at the age of 15. I grew up fast and on the streets or in state’s custody. I learned quickly the only person I could rely on to get me out of a bad situation was myself. I was smart enough to know that education was the only way to get truly what I wanted at the time. Which was to make my family sorry they had ever abandoned me. So, I went to high school graduated top 3% of my class. I went on to the best school and got a wonderful education. By the time I was 30 I was earning close to six figures. Then by the time I was 32 I blew pass that. That has allowed me to have finical security. Something you don’t know when your family lives on money supplied by the government… or as a ward of the state. I vowed I would never allow another person to control me with money or lack there of. I would always supply for myself.
At age 25 I was almost 400 pounds. I controlled my issues of abandonment with food. At the age of 28 I had a gastric bypass and lost 200 pounds. I was no longer able to eat the amount of food that I once did. So, I started drinking to mask my emotions… to be my escape. And, that was bad… because my 190 pound body couldn’t handle the amount of liquor that my 400 pound body could. And, I spiraled downward. It took me a couple of years to get to the point I am at now. I want to quiet drinking. It is a daily battle. I am on day 6. I am attending meetings. And, I can tell the change that is going on in an inward change finally… and not just lip service because I am afraid I will lose someone or something. I have quit before for 300 other reasons THEN I see myself in the mirror and I truly know I have a drinking problem. As a matter of fact this is the first time that I have ever wanted to quit without a major catalyst from a 3rd party. That is kinda how I know it is real.
The problem is this. Since I am not drinking to extremes anymore. My body wants the extremes in other ways. I am eating my way through the day again… then I will go and work out like a mad woman for 2 hours a day because of guilt of everything I have eaten. But, then I will be like “well yeah! Atleast I didn’t drink today…”… and don’t get me wrong. That is a really really big YEAH.
But, I am starting to wonder if my problem isn’t my personality more then the drinking or the food. And, I am in therapy for the first time in years and I am enjoying. But, all my therapist wants to talk about is my drinking. But, in truth my drinking is just another excuse for me to mask my issues of abandonment, lost youth, heartache of the child I lost.
I wish I knew better how to explain this… we all drink for different reasons. I drink because my emotions would become to much. I need to escape. The problem is on day #6 I still feel that need to escape. That is the problem I don’t know how to deal with.
I know I am an alcoholic because of the way I crave drinking now. But, I don’t know where else / how else to deal with everything that is now there. It is deep, dark, ugly stuff. And, I think I would just rather not deal with it. I would rather find some way to kill the pain.
One of the AA meetings I go to happens in a detox program. And, I look at these people that are in the detox program. And, I know it so easily could have been me there. But, it wasn’t alcohol didn’t ruin my life. I have a good life, with an amazing and supportive husband, an amazing home, and all the trimmings. But, inside I sometimes feel like that little child that is hold her favorite toy. I feel like it is just a matter of time before some bigger kid comes along and ripes my favorite toy from me. And, I am just left there deserted and crying for the toy/life I miss so much. How do I heal that child at 35 years old?
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Chantilly, VA
Posts: 216
// This is meant for Saliena and her background:
// It's often as simple as this:
import java.io.*;
public class Sober
**
public String myStateOfMind = null;
public static void main(String args[0])
**
InputStreamReader isr = new InputStreamReader(System.in);
BufferedReader br = new BufferedReader(isr);
myStateOfMind = br.readLine(); // Be Honest here!
if (myStateOfMind.equalsIgnoreCase("drunk")
System.exit(0); // leave for now, come back when straight
if (myStateOfMind.equalsIgnoreCase("sober")
System.out.println("Praise God! Just one day at a time!"); // Rejoice!
}
}
P.S. Saliena, your grammer is fine!
// It's often as simple as this:
import java.io.*;
public class Sober
**
public String myStateOfMind = null;
public static void main(String args[0])
**
InputStreamReader isr = new InputStreamReader(System.in);
BufferedReader br = new BufferedReader(isr);
myStateOfMind = br.readLine(); // Be Honest here!
if (myStateOfMind.equalsIgnoreCase("drunk")
System.exit(0); // leave for now, come back when straight
if (myStateOfMind.equalsIgnoreCase("sober")
System.out.println("Praise God! Just one day at a time!"); // Rejoice!
}
}
P.S. Saliena, your grammer is fine!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Saliena))) - I've, also, always been one that does everything to the extreme...good and bad.
The good news is, through recovery I've learned limits. Maybe you need to see another therapist? I agree that drinking (for you, for me it was crack) was NOT the whole issue...if we don't get at the root of the problem, we just seek something else to take place of what we're giving up.
MY issue has been codependency...I felt like I was responsible for everything and everyone, and when I couldn't "fix" it, I did everything to the extreme, like it was my way of control..if that makes any sense.
If your therapist isn't helping you with the core issues, I think it's time to find another.
Meetings will also help. It takes time, but it's worth it
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
The good news is, through recovery I've learned limits. Maybe you need to see another therapist? I agree that drinking (for you, for me it was crack) was NOT the whole issue...if we don't get at the root of the problem, we just seek something else to take place of what we're giving up.
MY issue has been codependency...I felt like I was responsible for everything and everyone, and when I couldn't "fix" it, I did everything to the extreme, like it was my way of control..if that makes any sense.
If your therapist isn't helping you with the core issues, I think it's time to find another.
Meetings will also help. It takes time, but it's worth it
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 587
I completly agree, the drinking was a cause, for me to not feel emotions and be able to deal with hurt. A lot of times I feel like people are trying to make me feel guilty so I cave in and give them what they need (yes a very logical principle). If I did not cave it would nag in me for hours. I gave power to people by being worried about what they think about me and hoping that they would like me. And to mask my emotions I would drink to cope with my thinking of people not likeing me.
rode hard and put away wet
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 999
Saliena, my sister had gastric bypass and is now a recovering alcoholic. Apparently the experts in the field are finding out that sometimes those who've had the GP have developed alcoholism in the years following surgery. I am not sure of the reason. Maybe your therapist is aware of this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Saliena,
Kudos for the 6 days. In my case drinking was my single largest problem, but it was only part of what I have to work on to maintain some degree of sobriety and serenity in my life. In very early sobriety you are going to physically crave alcohol most of the time, while being denied its tranquilizing effect on your psyche. It does sound like you should seek another therapist who better complements your situation. But do not try to delude yourself that alcohol isn't that much a problem or can make dealing with your other issues any easier. I spent decades trying to outrun my shame, anxiety and fear, only to find myself exhausted and addicted. Try to take it slowly - deal only with what you can reasonably address today. It took a lifetime to amass the experiences you are struggling with; cut yourself some slack and let them sit on the back burner while you deal with the alcohol situation for the time being.
You are obviously capable, bright, and motivated. Understand that this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. And don't forget to love yourself just a little and be thankful for the progress you have acheived. You are worthy and and can do this, one day at a time.
All the best,
Eddie
Kudos for the 6 days. In my case drinking was my single largest problem, but it was only part of what I have to work on to maintain some degree of sobriety and serenity in my life. In very early sobriety you are going to physically crave alcohol most of the time, while being denied its tranquilizing effect on your psyche. It does sound like you should seek another therapist who better complements your situation. But do not try to delude yourself that alcohol isn't that much a problem or can make dealing with your other issues any easier. I spent decades trying to outrun my shame, anxiety and fear, only to find myself exhausted and addicted. Try to take it slowly - deal only with what you can reasonably address today. It took a lifetime to amass the experiences you are struggling with; cut yourself some slack and let them sit on the back burner while you deal with the alcohol situation for the time being.
You are obviously capable, bright, and motivated. Understand that this is going to be a marathon, not a sprint. And don't forget to love yourself just a little and be thankful for the progress you have acheived. You are worthy and and can do this, one day at a time.
All the best,
Eddie
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Saliena
I've lived my life at full throttle too...I still have to fight this obsessional tendency and the tendency to push the envelope....but I have made some major modifications in my behaviour...not drinking is one of them. but by no means the only one.
It is possible for an old dog to learn new tricks
I think the key is facing that stuff we really don't want to and being honest with ourselves while we're doing it..
I agree with Amy - we need to get at the root of the problem, otherwise we just seek something else to take place of what we're giving up.
If therapy is your bag, you need a good therapist for that, I think.
If you think yours is not going to get you to where you know you need to be, I think it's in your best interests to look around some more.
I've lived my life at full throttle too...I still have to fight this obsessional tendency and the tendency to push the envelope....but I have made some major modifications in my behaviour...not drinking is one of them. but by no means the only one.
It is possible for an old dog to learn new tricks
I think the key is facing that stuff we really don't want to and being honest with ourselves while we're doing it..
I agree with Amy - we need to get at the root of the problem, otherwise we just seek something else to take place of what we're giving up.
If therapy is your bag, you need a good therapist for that, I think.
If you think yours is not going to get you to where you know you need to be, I think it's in your best interests to look around some more.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Originally Posted by Saliena 
Excuse all the grammer errors.. I majored in computer sci not English..
there are a few people in the friends and family forum reading
"the journey from abandonment to healing" by susan anderson.
it sounds like from your story you could get some benefit from that.
i am really struggling with some of it right now.
but, it could lead you in a different direction as far as therapy goes,
and I agree that healing that abandoned child is what needs to happen.
beth
recovering alcoholic.
ACOA
codependent
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2008
Posts: 521
Thank you everyone for your wonderful advice... and just listening. Sometimes that more then anything helps. Which is one of the reasons I am falling in love with AA. It is nice to be around people who have/had the same struggle I do. There isn't any room for judgement just help.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
From reading your post, you should be the best at recovering then!!!! 
I wish I had that much determination... I'm a scared kinda person at .. well a LOT. You are seriously an AWESOME person!!!
Welcome to our group! You can do this!
I wish I had that much determination... I'm a scared kinda person at .. well a LOT. You are seriously an AWESOME person!!! Welcome to our group! You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 218
I take things to extremes, as well, and have been pretty successful doing that so it was hard for me to quit drinking because I had a "high bottom." I didn't lose everything, so I could justify myself by saying, "Well, I'm nowhere near as bad as these other alcoholics, so maybe my problem isn't alcohol." What I'm learning is that alcohol is a symptom of a thinking problem that led to drinking too much, eating too much, exercising too much, etc. AA is helping me learn how to handle life better on a day to day basis. Having a sponsor and working the steps is REALLY helping me grow and change, and from what I've heard from my sponsor and others, the program also helps ppl deal with issues from childhood and stuff (I'm hoping lol).
Good luck, and it sounds like you are doing great!!
Good luck, and it sounds like you are doing great!!
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I can really relate to what you said and found myself compensating for the lack of alcohol by eating more, smoking more, drinking more coffee, etc..... BUT the good news IS that I'm not drinking and things are beginning to settle down now. It really does take time for us to find a balance again, so please be patient with yourself.
Like Eddie said: Hugs going out to you!!:day6
Like Eddie said:
Try to take it slowly - deal only with what you can reasonably address today.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Well done on your early sober time.....
Regardless of what happened or did not happen in my past
I've found Living in the AA Steps allows me
peae and joy.
To anyone new to AA.....I strongly suggest.
get involved in Step work....
Regardless of what happened or did not happen in my past
I've found Living in the AA Steps allows me
peae and joy.
To anyone new to AA.....I strongly suggest.
get involved in Step work....
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