I am just digging deeper and deeper.
Looking For Myself...Sober
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Where the heart is
Posts: 10,209
I am just digging deeper and deeper.
Yet I am comfortable with it.
My life has gone right back to the way I was in Florida.
Getting too involved in everything.
I am headed for something bad. I can feel it.
My using is gone far past just using. I am selling, hanging and making moves with gang members. Guns and drugs.
Making money any and every way possible.
I am becoming full on street rat again.
I havent gone to this level in over 7 years.
I am still holding down my job tho somehow.
But I have let myself get caught up in the whole street life again.
I cant stop..I dont even think I want to stop at this point.
I unleashed the ultimate monster.
I just dont care anymore.
I am not happy unless I am risking my life.
I guess I need to just accept this is hbow my life is going to be.
Why come here?
Because I want to care again. I want to stop plumeting to hell on the fast track to death.
I juts dont have i t in me right now.
Losing that 7 mos reallyh messed me p in the head. Now I am so involved with the inner workings of drugs that it isnt even funny.
I dont know how to get that motivation to want to stop again.
Right now I am comfortable. I feel like I am a part of something.
Its what I know. Its what I am addicted to more than the dsrug.
I hope I snap out of it before its too late.
My life has gone right back to the way I was in Florida.
Getting too involved in everything.
I am headed for something bad. I can feel it.
My using is gone far past just using. I am selling, hanging and making moves with gang members. Guns and drugs.
Making money any and every way possible.
I am becoming full on street rat again.
I havent gone to this level in over 7 years.
I am still holding down my job tho somehow.
But I have let myself get caught up in the whole street life again.
I cant stop..I dont even think I want to stop at this point.
I unleashed the ultimate monster.
I just dont care anymore.
I am not happy unless I am risking my life.
I guess I need to just accept this is hbow my life is going to be.
Why come here?
Because I want to care again. I want to stop plumeting to hell on the fast track to death.
I juts dont have i t in me right now.
Losing that 7 mos reallyh messed me p in the head. Now I am so involved with the inner workings of drugs that it isnt even funny.
I dont know how to get that motivation to want to stop again.
Right now I am comfortable. I feel like I am a part of something.
Its what I know. Its what I am addicted to more than the dsrug.
I hope I snap out of it before its too late.
I hope I snap out of it before its too late.
Hope is essential, of course, but the only thing that will snap you out of it is ACTION. DO something to stop your freefall to hell. Do something now. I know you care deep down, reach deep inside you and grab that hope and turn it into action! Please!
I'm not sure what you want me to say Trish.
I'm sorry - I hope you wake up to yourself before it's too late.
This stuff kills. Everyday.
I know you value your life - I know you have plans and dreams and such - and you value the ones who love you, including all your friends here.
So what's with this?
D
I'm sorry - I hope you wake up to yourself before it's too late.
This stuff kills. Everyday.
I know you value your life - I know you have plans and dreams and such - and you value the ones who love you, including all your friends here.
So what's with this?
D
I still believe in you, Trish..always have. I really really hope one day you believe in and love yourself, sweetie. There is a light in you, it's still there, I just know it.
Least is right. Hoping things change doesn't change a thing. You have to DO something. I am at a loss, too, as to what to say to you. All we can do is hope you get so miserable that you'll be willing to do anything to change the direction you are going.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
I've never understood the lure of gang life.
Live fast...die young...have your family grieve
and have to pay for your burial. Geez!
The fast money goes for another line or hit or bottle.
Sneaking around to buy and use in dirty places
with armed people.....stoned into inertia.
Risking violence....prison and death....for what?
I Trish.....you know how to escape
That takes work and guts and determination.
But as long as you are "comfortable"
I expect you won't.
Prayers for you and your family
Live fast...die young...have your family grieve
and have to pay for your burial. Geez!
The fast money goes for another line or hit or bottle.
Sneaking around to buy and use in dirty places
with armed people.....stoned into inertia.
Risking violence....prison and death....for what?
I Trish.....you know how to escape
That takes work and guts and determination.
But as long as you are "comfortable"
I expect you won't.
Prayers for you and your family
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Lowcountry
Posts: 2,762
Trish, Listen to your instincts ! .....you know in your gut, this won't end well; even if you're feeling connected as "part of something " bigger than you are.
Trish,
None of us here believe you have to accept "this is how your life is going to be " .....not a one of us, I'll bet. Certainly , not me.
I can really relate to that old-time feeling of " risking my life," ...it was what I knew; ...for years. Believe me, you will find other ways, healthy ways to take risk ; ...if, in fact, that's really part of your personality. It sure was part of mine. Now is the time to take the ultimate risk !!
Take a risk on yourself; ... your life. Do whatever "needs to be done " to get started. You've done it before; ,,,,,and now's the time.
.
Hey Trish - Come on! You are worth so much more than this. I know you love your family, and I know you can learn to love yourself. I think Least said it best - hold on to your hope while you take action. I truly believe you can do what you need to do, Trish. You can get on with a better life. Love, Jomey
I don't really know what to say, my Trish. I went digging too, though, maybe you should do the talking instead:
...still standing by you Time for action? :hug :
Hi everyone. I am a crack addict seeking recovery. I am scheduled for admission to treatment for the first time ever next week. I first started smoking pot at 12 years old. Then powder cocaine LSD at 14. And crack at 18. Ever since then it's been all crack all the time. I am now 31. I have never sought help before because I thought it was bull****. I'm getting too tired and old for this insanity and can finally admit I can't do it alone. Someone told me to find a recovery chat site to kill the time while I wait to go to treatment. So here I am. Thank you.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...im-newbie.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...im-newbie.html
I just found this site today. I am in a better state of mind then usual and looking forward to starting the recovery process. I feel like there IS hope and that I might just make it. I know I am ready to give it 110%.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...und-today.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...und-today.html
I am grateful there is hope for recovery and that I am finally seeking it.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eful-alot.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...eful-alot.html
I made the choice myself to seriously stop and get myself right. But I sure couldn't have come this far without the encouragment and support from this board..my new found friends here and most of all my family.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ays-today.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ays-today.html
Just wanted to share.
I am not giving up.
If I fall a million times...I will always keep trying.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...9-i-caved.html
I am not giving up.
If I fall a million times...I will always keep trying.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...9-i-caved.html
Oh happy day!
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-count.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ing-count.html
Your infamous locked thread ;-) "Now for you MacXXX"
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ore-anger.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ore-anger.html
Does anyone else feel like they have to be on high red alert alot with every aspect of recovery?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...gg-shells.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...gg-shells.html
Thats what makes most addicts addicted.
Instant results and gratification.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...right-now.html
Instant results and gratification.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...right-now.html
Its ok to live. Its ok to have bad days. Its ok to get angry sometimes. Its ok to make mistakes.
Just dont use. No matter what.
And the more my thoguhts move toward improving myself in other ways. The more I want to stay clean.
I am not dieing for something to live for anymore.
I am living to live.
And I believe it all lies in the thought process.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-boring.html
Just dont use. No matter what.
And the more my thoguhts move toward improving myself in other ways. The more I want to stay clean.
I am not dieing for something to live for anymore.
I am living to live.
And I believe it all lies in the thought process.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-boring.html
Anyone who struggles with regret. Letting go. Forgiveness.
I am a firm believer that as long as you do what you need to do on your part to make amends. And learn to forgive and let go. It may take time. But it is key to moving forward.
We are only responsible for our own actions and we cant control anyone but ourselves.
I had to let go and forgive to make myself better. And I had to wait a year for my amends. But it came. And I cant tell you how grateful I am.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...happy-day.html
I am a firm believer that as long as you do what you need to do on your part to make amends. And learn to forgive and let go. It may take time. But it is key to moving forward.
We are only responsible for our own actions and we cant control anyone but ourselves.
I had to let go and forgive to make myself better. And I had to wait a year for my amends. But it came. And I cant tell you how grateful I am.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...happy-day.html
(selfish one, I'd missed this while I was away - you're such a wonderful friend):
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...attcake79.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...attcake79.html
People who have never lived that **** life will never undertsand the struggles we go through. And how much more we have to prove ourselves than the average person.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...me-around.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...me-around.html
I can admit that I read some posts here and just fill up with judgment. That is so wrong in so many ways. I would never want anyone to do that to me. So thats alot of why I havent posted in awhile. My heart was goin in a bad place. I would never want to hurt anyone here. So I just kept my sick mouth shut. I am sorry I lost who I was and turned into everything I hate.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2124353
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2124353
I am still stuck with that paragraph keithj posted about the worst thing happening is nothing.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2239136
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post2239136
I am so happy I won my first battle. I am so happy I did take the time to rethink it and weigh my options.
So here I am. Didnt use. Dont plan on it right now. And only have plans for making my life better.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-gonna-do.html
So here I am. Didnt use. Dont plan on it right now. And only have plans for making my life better.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-gonna-do.html
I dont want to be like this anymore. I just dont know why I do this. Why would I want to be in misery when my life is so wonderful? I have the best family, I have been making real friends.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ter-hours.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ter-hours.html
I got a chance to get online for the first time since I left. OMG!! I missed you all so much! And I have talked about this site many a times too.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-hey-guys.html
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-hey-guys.html
LOL..5 months. I couldnt even put 5 minutes together most of the time before.
My journey started here at SR. You guys have seen my worst. And still accepted me. Still stood by me and held me up when all I wanted to do was die.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...os-before.html
My journey started here at SR. You guys have seen my worst. And still accepted me. Still stood by me and held me up when all I wanted to do was die.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...os-before.html
My thoughts and prayers are with you. I pray you find your way out of this awful place your in right now. You must be very sad. Try to remember how good you were feeling and work your way back there.
God Bless
God Bless
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,878
I too hope you 'snap out of it' as you wrote Trish, before its too late. Unfortunately it happens all too often that when a person comes to see the light they have been burned badly. Like spending a long time in jail, physically maimed, emotionally broken or the worst, the lights get turned off before any awakening to the light. I truly have hope for you Trish. Please don't become an unfortunate statistic.
You know I care about your well being. I have alot of mixed emotions about what to say cause we have talked alot (off and on) over the past couple years. But I will say this--3 things come to mind when I read what you wrote> jails, institutions, death. That is what happens, the reality of it all...whether be the drugs, the lifestyle, or just being caught off-guard simply by being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
"Using" is what we as addicts do--it is what we did for so long. An addict that isn't using is in an abnormal state. That's why sometimes it seems easier to go back to our old ways because that is what seems "comfortable" to us. That way of life became normal (to us) after awhile.
You know what to do, where to go. I know there is nothing I can say or do to help you until you are at a place where you are willing to receive help that is being offered. When you are ready, I will be here.
-----------------------
On a gentler note--since you know I couldn't just end it like that.....I hope you do remember some of your previous posts. I remember seeing posts of perseverance, determination and hope. Also--do you recall our conversation in chat a long time ago.
"Using" is what we as addicts do--it is what we did for so long. An addict that isn't using is in an abnormal state. That's why sometimes it seems easier to go back to our old ways because that is what seems "comfortable" to us. That way of life became normal (to us) after awhile.
You know what to do, where to go. I know there is nothing I can say or do to help you until you are at a place where you are willing to receive help that is being offered. When you are ready, I will be here.
-----------------------
On a gentler note--since you know I couldn't just end it like that.....I hope you do remember some of your previous posts. I remember seeing posts of perseverance, determination and hope. Also--do you recall our conversation in chat a long time ago.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Trish,
Angelina summed it up very well above here, as have others in this thread.
Quitting is not an option.
To quit trying is to give in to destroying your life. Why do that when there's another option.
There's an option to put the drugs down and be done and build a new life out of the devastation that drugs have caused you. You have that option, as we all do, each day. Sometimes it seems easier to just give in, just give up and let the drugs take over our lives again, but it isn't easier. No doubt that recovery is hard sometimes, hell, alot of the time, but to quit trying is even harder. And you know what, when a drunk or drug addict wanders off in life and after years and years of being on the street, and loses track of their family and friends and no one knows them, and they die on the street, and the county buries them in potter's field, as John or Jane Doe, no one celebrates the life they lived, people just move on and forget. But, when an addict or alcoholic turns their life around, doesn't quit, and becomes a productive member of society, becomes a loving member of a family and develops a host of friends who care for them, and becomes comfortable in their own skin, we celebrate, because we know how hard it is and we know they didn't give up, no matter what. They are a success simply because they never quit.
It's up to you. I hope you make the best choice for you.
Angelina summed it up very well above here, as have others in this thread.
Quitting is not an option.
To quit trying is to give in to destroying your life. Why do that when there's another option.
There's an option to put the drugs down and be done and build a new life out of the devastation that drugs have caused you. You have that option, as we all do, each day. Sometimes it seems easier to just give in, just give up and let the drugs take over our lives again, but it isn't easier. No doubt that recovery is hard sometimes, hell, alot of the time, but to quit trying is even harder. And you know what, when a drunk or drug addict wanders off in life and after years and years of being on the street, and loses track of their family and friends and no one knows them, and they die on the street, and the county buries them in potter's field, as John or Jane Doe, no one celebrates the life they lived, people just move on and forget. But, when an addict or alcoholic turns their life around, doesn't quit, and becomes a productive member of society, becomes a loving member of a family and develops a host of friends who care for them, and becomes comfortable in their own skin, we celebrate, because we know how hard it is and we know they didn't give up, no matter what. They are a success simply because they never quit.
It's up to you. I hope you make the best choice for you.
I'm new to SR and don't have the history with you that others have. When I saw how many posts you have, I decided to read some. From the few I read, I can't believe someone who shared her story, who wanted to get straight, and who offered so much support to others in recovery, doesn't have it within herself to right this situation. All those posting believe in you...believe in yourself and stop this slide to hell.
Prayers going out to you.:ghug3
You said you were "comfortable" right now, but I'll bet you wouldn't want a family member or your best friend living this way. So, maybe it's time to be your own best friend. You're worth more than guns and drugs (and you can be a "part of something" in so many other ways).
I once was ready to accept my fate, too (and knew bad things were coming). But today is a new day for me and it can be for you, too.
You said you were "comfortable" right now, but I'll bet you wouldn't want a family member or your best friend living this way. So, maybe it's time to be your own best friend. You're worth more than guns and drugs (and you can be a "part of something" in so many other ways).
I once was ready to accept my fate, too (and knew bad things were coming). But today is a new day for me and it can be for you, too.
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