Importance of the word "Self" as in Selfishness vs. Self Worth
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 114
Importance of the word "Self" as in Selfishness vs. Self Worth
Hi Everyone,
Last time that I posted I was having a tough weekend. I was at a point in my sobriety where I was feeling good for a long time and doing good. Then, I hit some rough days and one day while sitting at a red light a thought rolled into my head saying "screw it-just go back to the old way you were living".
Alarm bells were ringing for me loud and clear. Even though I never had another thought that day along those lines and the moment passed, I knew I was at a point in my sobriety where I was at a cross roads. Things were going great, yet I was starting to become elated and lose sight of where I was heading. Thanks to a bunch of you here on SR, you helped me realize I was lost in my step work. That was the truth.
After posting and reading my replies I really got into my step work with a new attitude and outlook. I started focusing on the way I had been acting in my recovery and noticed that I still had issues dealing with the word "Self". I had issues still with selfishness as well as self worth.
By going through my step work in a new way, I realized a couple of things.
(1) Selfishness. I have learned in sobriety how alcoholism is has rooted itself in many attributes; selfishness however, being one of the biggest attributes. Looking at my recovery I started out focusing on selfishness and working to have those character defects removed from me. What I realized was that I was still having selfish tendencies through other experiences. Even though I wasnt drinking anymore, my selfishness was still prevalent but I was blind to it because I was in sobriety and thought it was ok. Now I realize that just because I am sober doesnt mean that selfishness, or other things like jealousy or being judgmental are still ok once being manifested through other areas. Wake up call! I still had/still have work to do in these areas and feel grateful to be aware of them and working on them.
(2) Self-Worth. I spent my life comparing myself to other people and always had the conclusion that other people were better than me. Smarter than me. Funnier than me. More successful than me. The list goes on. Woe is me right?? Well when I first got sober, I went through this period of finally feeling good about myself. Not in an ego-centric kind of way, but just at peace with myself and with those around me. I felt that I had found my groove in life so to say. Well, over the past weeks while I noticed my selfishness again, I really investigated my self-worth status again. When I put things down on paper, I realized all over again I was comparing myself to others. Not necessarily to put myself down like I used to, but it was manifesting itself through jealousy, or efforts to try and be someone I was not. Maybe this was part of me feeling lonely or to continue to grow as a young adult. But, I think that it was old thoughts coming back into play. Now, again through a new outlook in my step work, I am getting back to the place where I want to be regarding self-worth. And its a great thing!
I guess what I am trying to say is, I was getting to a point in my sobriety where I was beoming elated with my sobriety, slacking on my step work, and was fitting into an experience blatantly expressed in the big book and I didnt even know it until a certain moment. And, I think the areas of my life surrounding "Self" were the key drivers in that area.
For me, "Self" issues are big for me because I was able to go along in sobriety with "self" issues and not even recognize that I was backtracking in my sobriety. Thank God I didnt relapse, but I treat this as a wake up call for me and am grateful I had that moment of clarity and am grateful for my renewed step work.
If it wasnt' for the steps I dont know where I would be right now. Thanks to all of you who helped me realize what I needed to do.
I am so happy to be a recovering alcoholic, and am grateful that at 261 days of sobriety, I can continue to grow and learn from the steps. I know now the steps will always be there for me for the rest of my life. And I also know that I am going to need to keep working on this for the rest of my life. But, I am ok with that, becasue it gives me hope knowing that the outcome of the effort is happiness and sobriety.
Thanks for reading and have a great one!
Last time that I posted I was having a tough weekend. I was at a point in my sobriety where I was feeling good for a long time and doing good. Then, I hit some rough days and one day while sitting at a red light a thought rolled into my head saying "screw it-just go back to the old way you were living".
Alarm bells were ringing for me loud and clear. Even though I never had another thought that day along those lines and the moment passed, I knew I was at a point in my sobriety where I was at a cross roads. Things were going great, yet I was starting to become elated and lose sight of where I was heading. Thanks to a bunch of you here on SR, you helped me realize I was lost in my step work. That was the truth.
After posting and reading my replies I really got into my step work with a new attitude and outlook. I started focusing on the way I had been acting in my recovery and noticed that I still had issues dealing with the word "Self". I had issues still with selfishness as well as self worth.
By going through my step work in a new way, I realized a couple of things.
(1) Selfishness. I have learned in sobriety how alcoholism is has rooted itself in many attributes; selfishness however, being one of the biggest attributes. Looking at my recovery I started out focusing on selfishness and working to have those character defects removed from me. What I realized was that I was still having selfish tendencies through other experiences. Even though I wasnt drinking anymore, my selfishness was still prevalent but I was blind to it because I was in sobriety and thought it was ok. Now I realize that just because I am sober doesnt mean that selfishness, or other things like jealousy or being judgmental are still ok once being manifested through other areas. Wake up call! I still had/still have work to do in these areas and feel grateful to be aware of them and working on them.
(2) Self-Worth. I spent my life comparing myself to other people and always had the conclusion that other people were better than me. Smarter than me. Funnier than me. More successful than me. The list goes on. Woe is me right?? Well when I first got sober, I went through this period of finally feeling good about myself. Not in an ego-centric kind of way, but just at peace with myself and with those around me. I felt that I had found my groove in life so to say. Well, over the past weeks while I noticed my selfishness again, I really investigated my self-worth status again. When I put things down on paper, I realized all over again I was comparing myself to others. Not necessarily to put myself down like I used to, but it was manifesting itself through jealousy, or efforts to try and be someone I was not. Maybe this was part of me feeling lonely or to continue to grow as a young adult. But, I think that it was old thoughts coming back into play. Now, again through a new outlook in my step work, I am getting back to the place where I want to be regarding self-worth. And its a great thing!
I guess what I am trying to say is, I was getting to a point in my sobriety where I was beoming elated with my sobriety, slacking on my step work, and was fitting into an experience blatantly expressed in the big book and I didnt even know it until a certain moment. And, I think the areas of my life surrounding "Self" were the key drivers in that area.
For me, "Self" issues are big for me because I was able to go along in sobriety with "self" issues and not even recognize that I was backtracking in my sobriety. Thank God I didnt relapse, but I treat this as a wake up call for me and am grateful I had that moment of clarity and am grateful for my renewed step work.
If it wasnt' for the steps I dont know where I would be right now. Thanks to all of you who helped me realize what I needed to do.
I am so happy to be a recovering alcoholic, and am grateful that at 261 days of sobriety, I can continue to grow and learn from the steps. I know now the steps will always be there for me for the rest of my life. And I also know that I am going to need to keep working on this for the rest of my life. But, I am ok with that, becasue it gives me hope knowing that the outcome of the effort is happiness and sobriety.
Thanks for reading and have a great one!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
I think that you are right about this being an ongoing process. Getting sober was very difficult for me and it was far too easy to say"Well, it should be smooth sailing now". But, of course, that is not true and why many (most?) AA'ers emphasize the Steps as a necessary study in order to move forward. I can totally relate to he impasse (and maybe backsliding) that you spoke of. At least for me, I have a "check it" mentality. OK, I got sober. OK, I did the Steps. But the truth is that I need to constantly monitor my motivations, intentions, etc. That check it mentality is my own roadblock. But the beauty, too, is that we get to see progress, we get to hone our personal integrity and honesty.
My family wonders why I don't stop meetings, now that I am sober. But that old onion analogy is very true. I keep learning, more and more and equally important, it keeps me humble as long as I keep listening.
My family wonders why I don't stop meetings, now that I am sober. But that old onion analogy is very true. I keep learning, more and more and equally important, it keeps me humble as long as I keep listening.
Guest
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Yes, for me it's very much a daily work in progress. I have to really work my recovery each and every day. I'm pleased for you that you gained the clarity to see what it was that was causing your issues in your recovery. It's great that the steps have enabled you to address your issues too.
For me then saying a quick thanks to the sky really makes me feel good and takes me out of myself. Similarly, asking the universe to take my unwanted thoughts/emotions when I am anxious similarly soothes me too. This is stuff that was totally alien to me before my recovery.
Glad you're feeling good man, peace
For me then saying a quick thanks to the sky really makes me feel good and takes me out of myself. Similarly, asking the universe to take my unwanted thoughts/emotions when I am anxious similarly soothes me too. This is stuff that was totally alien to me before my recovery.
Glad you're feeling good man, peace
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 114
Thanks Dee. I feel like its going ok now, but at that moment I had a real wake up call. I knew things weren't on the right path. Thankfully though, that has gone towards a positive result instead of where I was headed.
I am so grateful and so glad to be where I am.
I am so grateful and so glad to be where I am.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Interesting post...one of the things I struggled with when I drank was extreme selflessness...I put everyone's needs ahead of mine...even before I got sober I realized I needed to learn boundaries and to protect myself. That I deserved to protect myself was part of it due to lack of self worth.
Today I actually got mad at a family member...I was proud of myself for expressing my feelings.
I see so much talk here about how selfish being an alcoholic is...I think that some people drink because of the pain they feel because they deny themselves.
Today I actually got mad at a family member...I was proud of myself for expressing my feelings.
I see so much talk here about how selfish being an alcoholic is...I think that some people drink because of the pain they feel because they deny themselves.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,438
I was always doing things for others too - I like to think it's in me cos I still do a lot of service work...but there was a lot that was people pleasing and co-dependency before
my 'selflessness' was still substantially self centred IMO - I had a lot of resentments through not being acknowleged, a lot of expectation of reciprocity that were never met etc
I'm glad to be learning to let go of those ideas and expectations
D
my 'selflessness' was still substantially self centred IMO - I had a lot of resentments through not being acknowleged, a lot of expectation of reciprocity that were never met etc
I'm glad to be learning to let go of those ideas and expectations
D
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: massachusetts
Posts: 2,216
Ah Dee (sweet one!!!) and LF, you hit the nail on the head for me! Extreme selflessness was a reflection of my low self esteem...it lead to people pleasing. But that martyrdom came with heavy expectations for appreciation for all that I had done (of my own will, I might add...they didn't ASK for me to always put them first...). I have to work HARD to look at my motivations. Am I being selfless b/c I WANT to, or am I looking for something in return?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I can't speak For others but I Have ill family members and the majority of my motivation was because I wanted to help them...which is a good thing..I had a lack of boundaries whichmade me unable to recognize when that caring crossed the line, probably because I grew up with this. The lack of boundaries was not caused by the drink but did fuel my drinking as I was unable to see what was a reasonable expectation and what was not. My family did not ask me...it was expected...it still is but I Have learned to say no, most of the time, When saying yes will have a negative impact on my life.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Heckuva post Higby! It's good that you picked up on that "a drink would be nice" as an indication to get back into the work with some new resolve. -not that you weren't doing it already of course - but we get those "wake up calls" that maybe everything isn't quite what it seems.
Congrats on recognizing it for what it was....it's good, obviously, that you caught you ego trying to take you back to a drink and are making the choice to go the other way.
The first time through, I did step work because the guys told me I had to - and I was afraid I'd go drink if I didn't. Every other time I've worked the steps since it's been because I like the effect produced by doing the work (kinda like how I liked the effect produced by a half-dozen drinks) or because I'm feeling/noticing something in my life that's NOT happy, joyous, free, content, peaceful, at ease, or enjoyable.
Acting self-centered, acting selfish.... I don't know if those are "defects of character" that we every truly get past 100% so I find myself addressing them a lot. Like you said though, we have the tools (the 12 Steps).....and those tools work amazingly well - they work even when I don't believe they'll work.
I think you'll find, like I did, that each time you get one of those signs and re-work the program with a new resolve you'll come out on the other side with some reeeeeally cool new thoughts, beliefs, and a new level of understanding. Talk about a buzz....that stuff's the REAL buzz.
Congrats on recognizing it for what it was....it's good, obviously, that you caught you ego trying to take you back to a drink and are making the choice to go the other way.
The first time through, I did step work because the guys told me I had to - and I was afraid I'd go drink if I didn't. Every other time I've worked the steps since it's been because I like the effect produced by doing the work (kinda like how I liked the effect produced by a half-dozen drinks) or because I'm feeling/noticing something in my life that's NOT happy, joyous, free, content, peaceful, at ease, or enjoyable.
Acting self-centered, acting selfish.... I don't know if those are "defects of character" that we every truly get past 100% so I find myself addressing them a lot. Like you said though, we have the tools (the 12 Steps).....and those tools work amazingly well - they work even when I don't believe they'll work.
I think you'll find, like I did, that each time you get one of those signs and re-work the program with a new resolve you'll come out on the other side with some reeeeeally cool new thoughts, beliefs, and a new level of understanding. Talk about a buzz....that stuff's the REAL buzz.
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