SweetCityWoman

Squizz - Thanks for the nice words. This journey is such a crazy mix of emotions and challenges. Like someone else noticed about me - I keep an open mind and heart as I venture through this strange new experience.

Squizz

Well, I'll say this much: Staying sober certainly opens up your eyes to a bunch of new things. You're no longer in that "chemical haze". You see things much more clearly, and make much better decisions. And your health improves. Staying sober really is the way to go if you can do it. And with the help of your Higher Power, and AA groups (or any 12 step group for that matter) you stand a very good chance of doing so!

Eddiebuckle

SCW, I think I know the feeling. I would advise that you not take everything that is said at meetings as 100% true or even helpful – we are people in recovery who have at times shown amazing talent for various shades of denial, deceit, and self-delusion. Being a frequent flier at AA doesn’t necessarily mean a person has a good recovery program.
By way of disclosure, I am one of those people who goes to meetings daily (228 meetings in 230 days since I got out of rehab). I most frequently go to an 8am meeting in Greensboro that is full of really insightful people and it has become an enjoyable habit that gets my day off to a good start. But even the best meetings are populated by folks with oversized egos, or who just don’t seem to have gotten honest with themselves, or go to meetings but are unwilling to do the steps. And sometimes I wonder if some of us are simply more ”alcoholic” than others – that addiction has torn such a hole in the psyche that the best they can do is not drink and go to meetings but never quite recover their ability to relate with the world outside in a healthy fashion.
You may find that too many meetings are putting you out of balance; if that's the case, find the frequency/type that work for you. It's all about getting serentity and sanity back in your life - you'll know it when you've got it, just keep in touch with whats driving your discomfort if that's what you feel so that the changes you make are bringing you closer to your goal.

mama36

Hey hey Sweet...you are good to go if you find what fits into your life and run with it. You know, someone quite wise on this site told me just the other day that you have to do what is right for you...listen to others and take in what they say and then make a decision that fits you! There are so many kind words and great advice here but we all have different opinions based on what works FOR US, we cannot decide what will work for you.

Personally I go to as many meetings as I can as long as they don't interfere with something in my life that HAS to be done. There are days when I go to 2 meetings within 4 hours of one another and then around mid week I just can't go because I have kids and marriage and a job and yadda yadda. I do what I can and that is all that I can do. If I have a hard day, I make sure that somehow, someway I can make it to a meeting or do some reading on alcohol abuse or whatever. As long as I do something each day that is positive towards my recovery that is all that I can do and hope for. I LOVE my meetings, I really and truly do but one can only do what they can do. I agree with what Eddie said, if too many meetings is putting you out of balance you must regroup and get yourself into a groove that you feel is keeping that balance. I KNOW for a fact that you are a very intelligent woman...you know what works for you and you have to do just that.

Happy ONE MONTH my dear!!!!

Donna

SweetCityWoman

Eddie and Mama - Thanks for the comments. Today I have a better perspective on the AA meeting stuff. I needed to get out a bit - not work and not meetings and just feel like myself out in the world. I plan to moderate the number of meetings I go to. As Mama said, I do really enjoy the meetings and have gone to enough to select a nice mix of types of meetings (even 2 where one of my dogs is also welcomed)!! I will see my sponsor tonight (she has been away for several days since I asked her to be my sponsor) so I hope we can talk and she will be helpful. I just need to be honest and open and keep talking - in meetings and to my sponsor - and also here on the forum. It is great the variety of experiences people share and what works for them. But really good is that people don't push anything because we each must remain open enough to try on various ways of doing this. I am learning that slow and steady is really best and not try to do too much too soon. Again, as long as I am protecting my sobriety that is most important right now - on day 33.

Toronto68

Sweet, I think this is such a superb post, not just because it shines a nice light on AA working for you, but because of the approach in it. I think the approach and open outlook is applicable to people who are looking into quitting in general. I think it will provide some hope to people who find it.

NEOMARXIST

Thanks for your honest posts. Nice one on your 33 days sober too!!

Balance is crucial for me in my recovery too. I can relate quite a bit to your concerns and anxiety's. It's very easy to become anxious in early recovery as you are still unsure whether trusting your own instinct and what feels right is secretly your alkie mind setting you up for failure. For me then the crucial thing was always making sure I was "Protecting my sobriety".

Certain things for me just didn't sit right and I had to do what was right for me. Like you say it's your life, nobody elses. Do what's right for you and what you feel comfortable with, always remembering that AA is totally voluntary and alcohol is legal. It's all just merely suggestions.

You sound like you're doing great and having these very valid concerns and anxiety's shows how precious you value your sobriety. As long as you always make sure that you don't pick up that first drink 'just for today' then you can begin to understand your mind and what works best to make you feel comfortable and happy in your sobriety.

SR was of massive help to me during these times in early sobriety. It gave me a refrshing perspective on recovery and I just felt more comfortable taking a slightly more eclectic approach but still using AA and the principles of the 12 steps very much as the underlying foundation. This is my experince and worked and continues to work for this alcoholic and addict.

Thanks for posting.

SweetCityWoman

Neo and Others - I think you guys are offering me something very valuable at this time in my early sobriety - helping to normalize what is feeling like an abnormal experience (sort of like what we do with people who have experienced a traumatic or disaster event). I do not feel "normal" because I am just learning what my new normal is - my new sober normal. I don't have that yet and it will take time to find what that is for me. Instead I am finding AA and what is the AA normal experience. AA can't replace who I am but I want it to help me find myself. I want it to be a source of support in my sobriety. I want to value it because I can turn to meetings to remind me why sobriety is so important and help keep me sober at times I feel weak.

But tonight my meeting was all about being positive and happy and thankful for living the AA life and how AA is the best family these people have found because they find happiness at meetings and not always outside (this while I am thinking about how to blend AA into my own life). Most in the people there were years and years and years sober and they recalled how not happy there were in the early months of sobriety. Well, I felt alone in that room (despite the fact others had been where I was at - they all seemed to be celebrating being so happy). The meeting ended before my turn (we were going around the room) and I was so glad (although usually I like to speak up) because I wasn't sure whether to say I didn't want to say anything because it would be tears because tonight I find nothing humorous and even though they said the oldtimers get joy from helping the new people, there I sat - new and so alone. Usually there is attention given to the newcomers - this meeting I felt overlooked and not part of things.

But despite this experience I refuse to close my mind to meetings and trust that where I am in my sobriety (33 days) is normal for me to be feeling this way.

OK, maybe I am also feeling sorry for myself tonight. BUT there is one thing I am very very happy about and thankful for - I AM SOBER - yes, feeling low and a bit lost - but sober without the desire to drink and sobriety is my goal above all else. Ofcourse happy would be nice but I'll settle for sober right now! Thanks for listening and helping me sort through this difficult time.

oak

SCW- I love your honesty and authenticity.

Sorry you felt alone at the meeting. I hate that feeling of feeling alone in a group of people. Some meetings are hard! Some are great!

I can relate to your earlier concerns of losing yourself in AA. I have similar concerns for myself. I decided to look at other recovery programs. I don't know if I will follow one program or go to several, drawing what works for me from each program.

Take care of yourself tonight. Be soft and gentle with yourself. Be sober!!!

mama36

Well said Oak...as I mentioned to the Sweet Thang...there is SMART and AADAC and all sorts of programs out there. AA is NOT for every single person on earth. Whatever fits your life and your recovery is what you should do. There are MANY old timers on this site that have not used AA and are doing well. Just remember that we are always here on SR and you have this as support.

You are awesome SCW and you are going to be just fine. Stick and stay here and you will get it all figured out.

Donna

SweetCityWoman

Hi All - This thread has become so helpful to me trying to sort through the AA stuff. I am day 33 and really have done some thinking. I went to a meeting today and felt better and not alone like I did last night. I am thinking that my one goal for right now is to stay sober and that I am doing. I want to stay open to the AA meetings. It sort of is like people at the meetings consider themselves family - but I am not sure if there are fringes. I know I have shifted from just going and letting meetings wash over me to being hyperaware of how AA fits into the lives of those who seem to live from meeting to meeting.

This is difficult to put into words - certainly I don't feel comfortable bringing this up in meetings (need to start with my sponsor and talking to her about this might be very helpful - but we haven't started our work together yet). But also discussing this on the forum has been helpful - esp. getting all sorts of different perspectives from you guys. I am trying to find the words that express that I see meetings as potential life saving support but am also afraid of losing myself without casting some sort of blame on AA. But since I have lost myself to the years of drinking I am guarding my emerging self as I am guarding my sobriety!! So all comments/experiences with AA right now are very helpful to me. And I do understand that the idea is to fit it into my skin but this process is not quite as simple as letting it wash over me for now!!

mama36

Hey...isn't this day 34...did you miss a day or am I losing my mind?

D.

SweetCityWoman

Mama - Heck yes, it is indeed day 34 - I got mixed-up and am not even drinking!! But seriously, as most of us here know each day sober is so valuable - in fact the most valuable thing to me right now - except ofcourse my support system which helps protect my sobriety. And you are right there with me - right by my side!

BadCompany

I hear this a bit. Most people at first Go to far more meetings than they think they ever could. It's normal. They have found something good and useful and want as much as they can get. Drunks like me that had no life beyond the booze when I got here usually do this for several years, others that still had some life still going when they got here usually taper off at about six months to a year. From there it varies from person to person and that even depends on the person themself. I went to a lot of meetings early on but when I got married that diminished significantly, 2 maybe 3 a month. When the step daughter left home I had a lot more free time on my hands and now I go to 2+ meetings a week plus a monthly service obligation.

The thing I would recommend is to find a home meeting, drop anchor there, and let everything else spread out from there as you like.

SweetCityWoman

Hey BadC - Thanks for the words about AA. I do think I went running out of the gate - felt like I was flying in and out of meetings where people - everyone in sight - wrapped their arms around me and told me I was home. There is acceptance of all and an easy spirit in the room - not doom and gloom but laughter (and tears) but mostly something that said, "you will be safe as long as you keep coming back". I read something about when you say good-bye to booze you go through a mourning process. I do get this and in this way can see how critical it is to make changes in how you have been living your life - above just not drinking (sort of like the dry drunk thing). I also see this as a balance where you need to add meaningful things/activities to your life. Maybe things you had given up or lost along the way. To me AA could be a part of this balance - a place where I can speak up in a way I can't outside of the meetings. But I would like to balance some evenings of meetings with other activities like maybe a yoga class (which I used to do).

The people in my meetings talk about them as if they are life-giving and would rather be in a meeting every night vs. doing anything else. Could be that I just don't hear about other activities in their lives and that at meetings the topic is just that - meetings and past lives of alcohol. And no one is telling me what to do but if you don't think about it and just keep coming back....it works if you work it - then that becomes the norm and you are sort of hooked on AA and meetings.

I hope people understand that I am not trying to be critical. This is all about wanting to hear what others have experienced with AA and meeting. What has been useful and can it be a significant source of support if you don't do the steps or if you choose to go a few times a week - even at the beginning. It just feels so all or nothing sometimes. So it is great to hear about many experiences.

DayTrader

I've had an on/off/on relationship with meetings. Early on, I went to 2 a week, got tired of the crowd at one of them so I went down to 1. I started feeling "funny" so I went searching for a new one....to put into the mix. I've got one meeting now that I love and HATE to miss is....another that is my original home-group that I get hot and cold with but still attend.....and I try to get a 3rd or 4th meeting in when I can. Not driving makes it challenging but it's also forced me to get to know more of the people so I can get rides.

I didn't do the 90 in 90 deal but I did something similar that was more workable. You'll hear, from time to time, "How many days a week did you drink? That's how many meetings per week you should go to." Instead, I broke it down into hours. I figured I spent at least 10 - 15 hrs per week drunk (I didn't count the first hour or two of each drinking night as I wasn't "drunk" yet). Since I couldn't really do the meeting every day, maybe I could try to spend the same number of hours per week working on AA books, practicing praying, writing inventories, journaling.....or attending a meeting -stuff like that. I don't know that I consistently did the 10 - 15 hrs per week but I bet I've been close or in excess of that for as long as I can remember in sobriety.

Do some meditating and ask your HP for some guidance on the matter..... you'll find your truth and it will become apparent what you should be doing.

SweetCityWoman

Thanks DayT - I am also feeling mixed feelings about the meetings - wanting to just jump in and exist but I also think - this is not real life for everyone to love everyone - although I must admit it feels pretty good but also worries me because it doesn't feel quite real. It is the "Lost Horizon" syndrome and I have developed this little voice which keeps telling me that I must return to the harsh reality of life - but now sober. If I make the life changes necessary to keep myself sober that is my goal - whatever that takes. That is my journey right now.

So question to people - why do people continue to go to multiple AA meeting a week for years and years? I realize this is a complicated question and there are multiple reasons - but is it that people think they won't remain sober without continuing to go to meetings? and if so, why do people suggest going to many meetings and keeping it up over the years? I know, not everyone says this but I hear it a lot. Or do people go to better themselves following the 12 steps? If this is so then isn't this like a religious experience - and I do get that AA is not affiliated with any religion and talks about each person finding their HP. But if the meeting provide spiritual guidance then that is just that guidance the follows the 12 steps that each person finds their own path. But here are common paths in the steps and the meetings do provide an acceptance that is really spiritual in nature. But to hear people talk in the meetings they say that the meetings have made their lives - so this is beyond just sobriety. There is a spiritual path that people follow in meetings.

Somehow I am trying to sort out support in keeping sober and guidance in growing into a more full person than I was while drinking. I am now being forced to feel my feelings in a real way (which is very up and down right now) and confront myself where I had left myself beside the road of life - dug into a hole and stuck - oh yes, my fox hole buddy was a bottle of wine.

I value everyone here who has stayed with me and helped by sharing. Each person's experience is helping me better understand my experience and how to turn my newly sober life into a life I can enjoy in a more total way.

littlefish

I used to wonder why people kept going to meetings for years after getting sober. I asked myself why they needed AA?

One answer I've gotten is that for many, it keeps them sober. It's not hard to quit drinking. The real job is to stay sober. Another answer is that by helping others, through sponsorship and fellowship, they stay sober. And, I am glad that they are there.

The oldtimers have the years of experience, guidance and wisdom that is needed by newcomers. I sometimes imagine how a meeting would be with nothing but newcomers, I think so many valuable words of advice and understanding would be missing.

SweetCityWoman

Fish - I do like the wisdom in the rooms brought by the oldtimers and I too have wondered what meetings of only newcomers would be like. I do get that AA is all about the giving and is selfless. But I do see and hear that for some it is a way of life - a daily routine for the past 10 plus years. So it has got to be about more than just staying sober - or not? After 10 plus years is someone stops going to meetings are they at greater risk of relapse? I assume people will say yes. But this is not totally what the meaning of meetings is all about for people who have spent many many years in many many meetings almost everyday and plan to continue that way. AA becomes part of one's life and it seems to be spiritual - which does feel like a religion - even if not affiliated. It feels this way because those who continue to go to meetings want for others what they have found in these rooms - a bettter, deeper, richer (in spirit) life - oh yes, and a sober life.

In my meetings I have heard of more than one person who is an oldtimer, dedicated their lives to meetings and have died and is a huge loss to the local AA community. It is like AA became integral to their lives and they dedicated themselves for the rest of their lives. I get everyone is not like this but I am noticing many who stay in meetings over many years are like this. So this has made me curious about how people blend AA into their lives and I know this is different for each person. But in trying to fit it into my life I have been open to letting it flow to me but I don't want to let it overtake me - I want to decide and to do this I want to know how it has worked or not worked for others.

WakeUp

Hiya Sweet,
I go to one meeting a week, and I'm as sober as can be. You don't have to become so into AA that you lose your very identity. I have plenty of other activities, AA is just one of them.
Balance is the key to everything.