SweetCityWoman

BadCompany - I just got my sponsor so I figure this is the time to move towards the steps. I am reading some of the stuff and getting first ideas about what working the steps means from some of the meetings. But I must say that I worry about how I will adapt some of the steps into my life which, although is not religious, I do have spiritual beliefs. If I try to think too much about this it can get confusing, therefore I am just being there. So maybe I need to fess-up that I am really worried about starting the steps and don't want anything to become an AA turn-off for me because so far it has been so positive and helpful sans step work!!!!!!! So appreciate your comments. Maybe this will be one of the first things I work through with my sponsor. Geez, this living sober makes it pretty hard to avoid and hide from the real issues. Is this what life is really all about??!!!

mama36

Hahaha...Sweet, just saying that comment about the "real issues" is a step in itself if you ask me...!!

You will be fine and just remember, your higher power could just be AA iteslf is need be for now and you don't have to stall on that step, just carry on with the rest. I read that in my 12 and 12 just last night.

D.

artsoul

Congrats on 30 days!!!!! Yea! I had some anxiousness around 30 days (and at 60 and 90 as well). It will pass and your confidence and serenity will grow. Keep up the good work!!

SweetCityWoman

Hi All - Thanks for the comments (mama - point well taken)!! Today I awoke anxious about going to a meeting prior to going into work - had never done that before (usually meetings are more separated in time from work). I experienced my work and AA worlds feeling like they were colliding. After I got to the meeting I immediately relaxed and was glad I went and then transitioned on to work.

What was very interesting was that in the meeting some people spoke of worlds colliding and how special the AA world was compared to the world outside. I have been thinking about integrating these worlds because it seems very difficult to compartmentalize an AA world, a work world and a private life world. I am not sure if this is creating some anxiety in me right now. Yes, meetings make you feel surrounded by friends and a way to value and protect my sobriety and people who know just what I am going through. That feels great but I live in the outside world which I realize is not the same as meetings (obviously!!) but I am feeling a bit split right now. Real life can't be a split life and AA doesn't become my life but it supports my sobriety so my life can be better - it in itself is not my life.

Guess I am confused and wondering if others have gone through this sort of thing. Something about making 1 month has affected something inside of me. Maybe I am just overthinking things - not sure if the anxiety came first or all this thinking is causing me to be more anxious!!

DayTrader

I think learning how to live IN the AA world is great....but it's practice for the big show: real life. That's why they put, in the 12th step, "...and practice these principles in all of our affairs."

It's perfectly OK to keep them compartmentalized for now. I did it myself because it was just the only way I knew how to life (I think I earned my phd in compartmentalization when I was in grade school - lol) but keep it in the back of your mind to try to be willing to blend the worlds together.

I can't tell you how, what that blend should look like.....or even how to do it - just be open to it and willing to try. When the time is right to start the blending, you'll know it.

Harry01854

SCW, congrats on 30 days to begin with. I am thrilled to hear your experience with A.A. Sounds like you are in a very good place in your head right now, enjoy it.

I remember reading that about you and your dogs that time. Put a smile on my face. I remember thinking, those dogs will eventually get you in those doors, little do you know. I know you didn't go in with them, but I feel they were there to support you anyway, in the spirit.

Keep doing what you are doing and things do get better. Enjoy the journey.

Harry

SweetCityWoman

DayTrader - Thanks for the reply. I am losing sight sitting here at home alone and my mind is just racing and I need help getting grounded. Yes, blend sounds good and I get that and I also get that there will be a path to that for me to find without giving up on AA or on my life because giving up on AA puts my sobriety at risk - at one month this is still so very fragile. I think I just started focusing on what people were saying about how they loved meetings more than anything else but that is not really what people meant I'm sure. I just got overwhelmed and got worried which prompted a new "fear" of AA - not the fear of joining but now the fear of what staying and getting more and more attached meant for me.

This anxiety is just uncomfortable and I wish I could relax tonight. I must say that I thought of wine and how nice to just escape this conflict I am feeling. But I won't go there. I'll walk my Wheaten Terrier. Just sharing the feelings right now is helping.

DayTrader

Ah yes..... I remember those days so clearly.. ugh. I'll promise you, if you stay the course, continue to be willing to grow and to open yourself especially to the spiritual growth, that stuff will go away. It may not go away 100%, it may come back once and a while, but it'll not have the same force that it does now.

I'll give you some advice that has held me in good stead to this day: start keeping a journal. I haaaaated the idea at first but thank God I started. It was a good way to just mentally unload. It made me organize my thoughts, which slowed them down considerably, and.......as I'd write.... the "1000+ things" I thought I had in my head were really just 8.....or 12.....and I'd replay them over and over and over and over. Writing them down kinda stops that "spin." It puts things in perspective....big time.



Understand, that's normal for an alcoholic. I used sometimes like to think of my alcoholism as another person - sorta like my arch villain. I used to write alllllll the way "he" would try to make me feel uncomfortable to try to get me back to the bottle.

Also bear in mind..... recovered or not, we all still have ups and downs. Those steps are a new set of tools for you that you get to use ON life. I can't think of ONE problem I've had to deal with in sobriety that 1, 2 or more steps weren't PERFECT for. One good thing for you to focus on now is what the tools do and how to use them. Get yourself a 12&12 book or look up the online version....that's a good place to start. (of course.....if you haven't......DIG INTO THE FIRST 164 pages of the BB and get them read for your first time). Maybe go look for a "new" meeting and just go there to check it out....maybe you'll run into some new ppl talking some new stuff that you really like. Do some exploring in sobriety.... it's a HUUUGE world....massively huge.......and it's awesome - but it won't come to you. You have to go find it yourself.

Anna

I have some feelings about what you've written about SweetCityWoman.

I have had to learn boundaries about myself, since I began to recover. Before I was in recovery, I had no boundaries and I shared too much with too many people. It was very bad for my self-esteem. I have learned to love myself and to have respect for myself and that has helped my perspective a lot.

I now understand that I do not need to share ALL of myself with friends/coworkers/acquaintances. I can be true to myself and open with my friends, but I can choose what I want to share and what I don't want to share. I do not tell anyone in my real life about my alcoholism. I don't expect most people I know to tell me their darkest secrets either. There is something very personal about that, and I choose who I confide in.

SweetCityWoman

Anna - I can't share anything about my drinking with anyone outside of the AA meetings and I am fine with that. There might come a time for this but it is not right now. If I go out with anyone I will just tell them I am not drinking for awhile and leave it at that.

My anxiety is coming from feeling like I don't want to lose myself into meetings. People talk in meetings like their life has become all about meetings and that their life is centered around AA and meetings. Suddenly I began to worry about losing myself into AA. AA is seeming too good - if you know what I am saying. Everyone is super receptive and the real world is just not like that. I feel good being welcomed and understood and get that this will be an impt source of support in my sobriety. But I have let meetings just flow over me for now but it seems to be creeping more and more as a part of my life and it really is not it itself life but a support that has a place in my life.

So I guess I am wondering if the 6 days a week is too much for me - not the getting out and going but in the spirit of my life. Sure, my life was not going so well with the drinking but in sobriety I want AA to support my sobriety not not alter my reality.

Gosh, I am not sure how to even put the feelings I am experiencing right now into words but I know people here can help if I can be clear about what this is all about. Maybe I'm not clear.

DayTrader said it best about "blending" the worlds of AA and the outside world and also about writing to stop the spin and put some perspective to things. That is what is happening to me - spin and loss of perspective and how the heck to blend worlds now that I am feeling this huge pull into the sheltering of AA meetings.

Harry - Thanks-you for reminding me about how my sharing about my dogs put a smile on your face. I need to step back to all the good that has happened in only 32 days - sobriety and finding AA. My perspective has slipped today and I need to be reminded - how great that people remember my travels and can reflect that back to me tonight because I have lost myself a bit tonight.

Anna

Yeah, I understand that.

For me, balance is crucial, absolutely crucial to recovery. I have to work on all aspects of my recovery - physical, mental and spiritual, every day. If I don't, I feel 'off' and uncomfortable.

I do spend time on SR every day, but I don't feel like myself here. I feel like this place adds so much to my life.

I hope that you can follow your heart and find balance and comfort in what works for you.

EmbraceChange10

SCW - I know I read on here in the last day or two someone who talked about doing too much too soon. And they specifically mentioned the drawbacks about going to AA 6-7 days a week. I don't know how the heck to do searches on here though - maybe one of the forum leaders can find it.

I understand what you are saying. I would want any group or class to supplement and gently support my life ... not be my life. If you feel like you want to go to classes six days a week perhaps you can try another support group? Perhaps there are other options in your area? I know here in DC there's a few types of support groups for alcoholics. Perhaps instead of an AA meeting maybe go to the bookstore and grab a latte and read through various authors concerning substance abuse?

I don't know what the answer is but I just wanted you to know I get your concerns and believe they are completely valid.

I'm good at brainstorming so feel free to bounce other ideas off me! -debra

wichitalineman

SCW: Congrats on your 30 days! That is HUGE! Much has been said here, and I don't want to derail any of it. I just want to say I LOVED this bit in your OP:

"Not being a religious person I understand one thing - I must remain open to learning and experiencing something new. Don't close off anything or anyone who might help with my primary goal: remaining sober."

Can I just say that I love your attitude??

The primary goal is to remain sober. Keeping that in focus has sure worked for me. I loved reading this thread today. Just wanted to say congratulations on your 30 days and thanks for the blast of positive energy with that amazing quote!

SweetCityWoman

Embrace (Debra) - Yes, yes, yes - you have hit it exactly right on. I got swept-up in people talking about 90 in 90 and 50 in 50 and I thought - go to as many as I can but the other week not going to a meeting Thurs. was so good to help me metablolze all I was taking in. Sort of like exercise - hard everyday isn't always the best - muscles need time to adjust to routines. But many AA advocates say - oh, go each day so I got anxious at the thought of missing a day. But now I am anxious going to one almost every day.

You know, just hearing a more moderate view helps me think about balance. I know people have said each takes in AA in their own way but often this is followed-up with....but if you don't jump into working steps you won't really get the most out of it. But I am thinking that attending and then adding work on steps is just too much - even though I'm not yet doing steps it has been suggested that this should be my direction and in a year or two I will have AA totally into my life.

So I like your idea very much of adding something else. In fact I thought - maybe going back to my ring-ready dog obedience and rally classes and practice for the ring is a great activity that I just love (in fact my Field Spaniel has his Rally Novice ribbons). I have many interests that I gradually dropped because drinking was taking up more and more time in my life.

Living in the DC area you might know of Glen Echo Park - an arts park where they have all sorts of classes in yoga, dance, ceramics, glass blowing etc. and I live in walking distance of Glen Echo!! So I find that just putting structure back in my life goes a long way and I was using AA meetings to put structure in my life as well as support for sobriety.

So writing this and taking in your ideas have already lifted a weight off of me concerning AA. I still plan to go to meeting because I do believe it will help with my sobriety but customize for myself - maybe 3 meetings a week and then take on another activity either with dog training classes or a yoga class at Glen Echo (which I used to do and just loved).

Really appreciate your comments and suggestions. Would be great to brainstorm and bounce ideas.

LexieCat

Personally, I think the more meetings, the better, in early recovery. I NEEDED the focus, and going to a meeting every day for 90 days represented a big commitment to my sobriety. The 90/90 isn't magic, nor is it a requirement, and some people with very good sobriety scoff at it as a "rehab idea". Which it may well be, but I don't think that means it isn't a good suggestion.

All I can say is it was good FOR ME. It also got me to a lot of different meetings, different kinds of meetings. All of which was ALSO good FOR ME.

And remember, a lot of the old-timers who go to meetings all the time aren't doing it because they don't have a life outside the rooms--most of them have families and jobs and other social activities. But they are in the rooms for those of us who had to come in scared to death, wondering how we are ever gonna be able to live without alcohol. They are there to pass on what was given freely to them. Without people like that, AA wouldn't still be surviving and thriving, helping more and more alcoholics all the time. And AA also becomes a kind of second family.

Three weeks or so of meetings is too soon to be worrying about how many you will be making years from now. Concentrate on learning to live sober, and the rest will take care of itself. If you ARE going to six meetings a week, years from now, it will be because you WANT to, and if you are doing what you want to do, well, what more could you want?

SweetCityWoman

WLineman - Thanks for the great post. Tonight it was very helpful to hear myself quoted back to me!!!!!! Yes, keeping an open heart and open mind has been my approach. I usually don't lose myself and am strong enough inside to remain open and not get rattled. Tonight is an example of how anxiety can rattle - temporarily - my faith in myself or my confidence in who I am and that I won't be lost. But I am now feeling more grounded but it is the people here tonight who have helped (maybe walking the dog also was good too)! But you take that rattle a step further and you begin to hear the wine glasses rattling and calling my name. But this is why reaching out can be critical to sobriety - that wine glass didn't even come close and tomorrow I will be so thankful for that!!

AA is just such a new way and add that to sobriety being new and it is a huge influence and much to take in, sort out for yourself and make AA your own inside your own skin. I am the only one living my life so it must work for me. Since I don't yet know how it will work for me I must remain open and positive.

Thanks for your comments!

SweetCityWoman

Thanks Lexie for your comments - I know you advocate the more meetings the better early on. It just has been feeling overwhelming. I have been able to go to about 10 different meetings around my home and then narrow to the ones that offered a nice variety and mix for me.

But I think you hit on something that might have tipped my anxiety balance today (and had been building this week) - these people who go to meetings all the time (not all are old timers but many have been around for awhile). And I started hearing and seeing how the rooms seemed like they occupied a large part ot the social, emotional, spiritual, religious and support parts of people's lives. Although many talk about spouses, children, other relatives and jobs. Many have said their friends now have come from AA. Guess it was a feeling that washed over me combined with going to a meeting right before going to work - for the first time they came very close and talk at the meeting was about resentment and worlds colliding. All the resentment discussed was about resenting people outside of meetings (ofcourse)!! AA suddenly felt "too good" or "all good" vs. the harsh world outside.

I know this was my feelings as things were discussed so it became my perspective which is why I am here talking about it to have people help ground me - which has worked by the comments from people - extremely helpful to me at this difficult moment for me. This might be my hardest second to going to my first AA meeting!!!!

I do get what you said about oldtimers coming to help others but there are many people who have been around to help so that is well covered by many. And most do talk about their lives outside of meetings. It just had the ring in the last couple of meetings that there wasn't a blending of lives - but maybe I heard it that way because suddenly I found I had no way to blend driving off from my AA meeting where I am a newbie to running several meetings at work where I am one of the Directors and manage others!! This might have been a tipping point for me today.

LexieCat

In Step 12, it talks about "practicing these principles in all our affairs." IOW, AA doesn't simply enable you not to drink, it teaches you how to live. When you DO put AA principles (the Steps) to work in the rest of your life, you won't feel the dichotomy between meetings and your work life, your home life, your social life. It's that dichotomy that, I think, has made me so uncomfortable the last few months, which is why I am doing the Step work so I can have that spiritual awakening that will make me function better in the rest of the world. Make me less fearful of people, of situations. Help me make decisions without dithering, procrastinating, and panicking. Somehow I got used to living in a constant state of internal crisis, and I'm sick of it.

Anyway, just my thoughts. Your mileage may vary.

Squizz

Excellent! Good to hear something positive going on for somebody else. There's so much negativity out there, it's refreshing!

SweetCityWoman

Lexie - I get what you are saying. I tend towards being anxious - whether that is part of why I drank (which I think it was) or whether drinking made me anxious (certainly the next day my anxiety was getting more and more with worry about my health). And certainly the AA meetings have been a great feeling of a safety net for me. Others have made it, I am keeping an open mind, just going to meetings and being there - getting to know people and getting a sponsor. Trying out different meetings was also a good experience for me - and you recall my over the top post about how people need to give different rooms a try since they are so very different.

I have been thinking that for me finding AA for me was sort of like the movies (and book), "Lost Horizon" and "Brigadoon" - esp. for my small Friday meeting (7 very unique people) in the basement of the church 2 blocks away. A special warm soft glow came from the small window almost buried underground and I felt like I had transitioned into a wonderful new-found world. The next week I was afraid - could I find my way back to that special world occupied by 7 special people and then the glow emerged as I walked over to it. So my anxiety came as those in "Lost Horizon" - why go back to the real world of pain and killing - why not stay in this safe beautiful world?? Well, I understood the pull to go home today (but it was not from the Friday meeting that the anxiety came).