NEOMARXIST

I was sitting in my car today at work eating my sandwiches as I do everyday and I was just smiling to myself thinking how great it is that I know that I'm an alcoholic and a drug addict. I'm fine with that and I just love the hit of warm serenity that washes over me when that acceptance just feels right. It's a great feeling and I love it!

It's like my recovery reveals more to me over time and I will have these great warm feelings of what I guess is serenity. Like I deliberately don't join in with people when they're talking about drugs or booze as I am aware that my alkie and addict mind would love me to get involved. The sense of empowerment of knowing and accepting that I'm an alcoholic and an addict is fantastic.

I find that when my mood goes a little lower and I am not feeling so good then I use my recovery tools and I just carry on without really thinking too much about it. One day at a time and just for today helps me so much. Then when my mood picks up again I suddenly get a really great hit of clarity and peace of mind and it feels fantastic.

I ain't saying this to gloat or anything. It really isn't an egotistical feeling or anything like that but rather just a chilled out contentment of knowing that I'm on the right path. I guess recovery gives a real sense of achievement and pride, quite the opposite to drinking and drugging, which just made me feel worthless.

My thinking is so different to how it used to be and that can only happen because alcohol is no longer a part of my life. When I was drinking I was so far away from being content with living in the present moment it was untrue. No sooner as I was in work then I would be thinking about finishing work to get wasted, bearing in mind I was a weekend warrior binge drinker, then I would be planning days ahead! Even months ahead when I was planning a week long drinking and drugging binge (alone) for my holiday! I was so mentally unstable it's untrue!

I am so grateful to be sober and so grateful to be a recovering alcoholic. Stick with sobriety and recovery. It may be hard at times and very painful but it's so worth it! I had faith that those before me were telling the truth, and they were!

Peace

oak

Thanks for reminding me! I remember I have felt a sense of serenity around knowing I'm an alcoholic and recovery. I feel it now. How nice!

Anna

Neo, I think that one of the things I had to learn about is recovery is that it ebbs and flows. Sometimes, it's a question of simply 'carrying on' and then other times, we seem to move to a whole new level of understanding.

I'm glad you're doing well!

24hrsAday

Another Great Post Neo.. my first sponsor told me early on in my recovery that it is empowering to stay sober on a daily basis.. a simple statement yes.. but.. very true! as time goes along we get more and more healthy in every way.. you are doing Great!

NEOMARXIST

I remember wondering how I was ever going to cope with 'normal' life. Life used to seem so mundane and boring and I used to get really depressed wondering if this is all there was... Now I find I really enjoy the seemingly mundane things that most probably just take for granted. It's great being in recovery as I now have a program for living. I used to really struggle with being able to manage my own mind and always just ended up in the pub or buying booze to drink from a shop. That was the only place that I felt comfortable and it felt natural somehow.

It's great being able to appreciate things now. When I buy things I really appreciate them. It's great not feeling like I have a terrible weight on my shoulders and a horrible feeling in my stomach. I think after suffering such terrible depression, then simply not feeling depressed all the time, is so great.

It's nice to be able to be at peace in my own head and not searching for something that felt missing. Booze filled that void but only temporarily and the void was there even bigger when the booze wore off.

peace

24hrsAday

yeah.. it somewhat filled the "void" but.. Ouch! the day after was getting unbearable!! i will Never miss that part..

coffeenut

Yep, 'mundane' Rocks!

Toronto68

Neo, I know you wouldn't gloat about something like this (hard to picture you gloating in general either, ha ha), but I must be a little psychic, because I was just writing to somebody about taking a long time to get "this far" - and then I thought of you and how you're the age when my problems were only just getting started. Then I pictured myself saying to you here that you should "gloat" about it. But not exactly the right word obviously.

I think I know just what you mean about the gladness in the self-knowledge though. I keep saying this like a broken record, but when I discovered what it felt like to accept as fact that I was an alcoholic instead of pushing aside any contemplation of it, it was really empowering and I even smile about it sometimes too. Understanding that this is something that is with me for life - like a disease - has been really helpful to me. I don't really know if I would still be sober now if I didn't get a grip on that.

Something I don't remember whether I pointed out to you or not....When you say that we should think of a drinking problem as a thinking problem, I don't know if you took on that learning from somebody else at meetings or the Big Book or what have you; but I remember you saying it here, and it has been a huge help to me. I look at how I think often and I recognize when it is the kind of thing that enabled me to drink, or added layers to the addiction. (Resentment and dwelling on fears are examples.) Then I shift gears, not to pretend to be an angel and not specifically to "avoid" drinking, but because I do myself a favour when I improve the tone of my thinking.