Birthday blues
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 50
Birthday blues
Yup, today's the day. One year. I really can't believe I made it a whole year Came so close to blowing it, so many times--even just a few days ago.
My worst triggers have been resentment, and um, resentment. I'm resentful that it's been one year and I still have so many character defects. I still want to drink, moreso the past few weeks than in a long time. I am not looking forward to living like this for the rest of my life.
I'm resentful that I feel like I *should* go to a meeting tonight because people are expecting to celebrate with me. I don't want to go, I don't want to celebrate. I don't want to pretend I'm feeling okay when I'm not. And I don't want to dump on people either.
I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am: Loving, supportive spouse, great sponsor, nice home, my freedom. I just want to get through this day.
My worst triggers have been resentment, and um, resentment. I'm resentful that it's been one year and I still have so many character defects. I still want to drink, moreso the past few weeks than in a long time. I am not looking forward to living like this for the rest of my life.
I'm resentful that I feel like I *should* go to a meeting tonight because people are expecting to celebrate with me. I don't want to go, I don't want to celebrate. I don't want to pretend I'm feeling okay when I'm not. And I don't want to dump on people either.
I have a lot to be grateful for, and I am: Loving, supportive spouse, great sponsor, nice home, my freedom. I just want to get through this day.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Congrats on the birthday!!!! 
7
In my opinion, maybe you should go to the meeting. i find that I usually have more fun after I get someplace that I didn't really wanna go to in the first place. You should celebrate with someone!! You deserve it!!
7 In my opinion, maybe you should go to the meeting. i find that I usually have more fun after I get someplace that I didn't really wanna go to in the first place. You should celebrate with someone!! You deserve it!!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,756
Congrats on one year sober! I've heard that anniversaries can be a trigger of sorts, and can make you feel depressed or anxious. Give it time. Be good to yourself. And keep on keepin' on, one day at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Congrats on a year. Time markers are always difficult when you aren't happy where you are in life. My last real birthday I was so unhappy I got drunk and cried myself to sleep.
So you aren't happy where you are in life and sobriety...great...at least you realize it. Since drinking isn't an option what do you think you can do to make yourself in a better place?
So you aren't happy where you are in life and sobriety...great...at least you realize it. Since drinking isn't an option what do you think you can do to make yourself in a better place?
Awaiting Email Confirmation
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 318
uni...
I'm happy for you about your birthday, but I am sad that you are not happy. Being unhappy is not a great place. I hope that your day improves. How about taking in a movie and eating a ton of buttery popcorn...or buying a great CD that you love...or reading a good book...or going for a walk to get an icecream cone or a treat...how about calling a friend or family member and talking about your feelings?
Just my thoughts cause it is so hard to be sad when such happy things are happening...I find those times very confusing.
I'm happy for you about your birthday, but I am sad that you are not happy. Being unhappy is not a great place. I hope that your day improves. How about taking in a movie and eating a ton of buttery popcorn...or buying a great CD that you love...or reading a good book...or going for a walk to get an icecream cone or a treat...how about calling a friend or family member and talking about your feelings?
Just my thoughts cause it is so hard to be sad when such happy things are happening...I find those times very confusing.
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 6,608
First, congratulations on making it to a year even though its been a hard road.
Second, I don't know if this will help but have you ever read the book, "The Power of Positive Thinking?" Its in a rewrite probably 3rd addition. He talks about alcoholism amongst a lot of other struggles we humans face. One of the things he suggests is trying to vacuum out the negativity and immerse your mind with inspiration and positive messages. He refers to the Bible for inspiration and guidance, which has inspired me to read it again, BUT you can find inspiration in a lot of different areas if the Bible isn't your thing.
I think we alcoholics view the world quite a bit dimmer then our counterparts. Really reprogramming is hard work, but then living happy and sober wasn't a walk in the park at first, but TOTALLY worth it in opinion in the long run.
Any ways, just a thought for you and if it doesn't help then you have wasted just a small part of your time reading it.
Second, I don't know if this will help but have you ever read the book, "The Power of Positive Thinking?" Its in a rewrite probably 3rd addition. He talks about alcoholism amongst a lot of other struggles we humans face. One of the things he suggests is trying to vacuum out the negativity and immerse your mind with inspiration and positive messages. He refers to the Bible for inspiration and guidance, which has inspired me to read it again, BUT you can find inspiration in a lot of different areas if the Bible isn't your thing.
I think we alcoholics view the world quite a bit dimmer then our counterparts. Really reprogramming is hard work, but then living happy and sober wasn't a walk in the park at first, but TOTALLY worth it in opinion in the long run.
Any ways, just a thought for you and if it doesn't help then you have wasted just a small part of your time reading it.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Congratulations UC - a year is pretty amazing 
I hope you work out whats making you discontent - think about - ask about it - sobriety's not meant to be endured IMO.
Check out this too - I'm no doctor but the whole 'I don't wanna' thing rings a few bells with me
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma
Go to the meeting
D
I hope you work out whats making you discontent - think about - ask about it - sobriety's not meant to be endured IMO.
Check out this too - I'm no doctor but the whole 'I don't wanna' thing rings a few bells with me
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma
Go to the meeting
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 438
Congratulations on your year...I can hardly imagine getting to that point myself (but I hope to!)
Sorry you're not feeling happy. I'm not a doctor but I wonder if you're experiencing some degree of depression. Just a thought.
Let us know how you're doing...
Stephanie
Sorry you're not feeling happy. I'm not a doctor but I wonder if you're experiencing some degree of depression. Just a thought.
Let us know how you're doing...
Stephanie
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Uni,
Congrats on your year. I just celebrated two years, and I felt pretty much like you do. I'm happy I'm sober and have a lot to be grateful for, but I think I know what the problem is in my case, and that is that I am just now beginning to actually work the Steps.
Maybe you have, so maybe that isn't relevant to your situation. But the fact that you are feeling like you are close to "blowing" your sobriety is cause for concern. Have you shared those feelings with your sponsor?
Skipping the meeting probably isn't a good idea, but you could let someone know you aren't feeling especially celebratory and don't care to speak on this occasion. You could simply say you are grateful you are sober, and leave it at that.
Hope you can get to the bottom of what's troubling you. Don't give up--it may be that you just have a little more work to do.
Hugs,
Congrats on your year. I just celebrated two years, and I felt pretty much like you do. I'm happy I'm sober and have a lot to be grateful for, but I think I know what the problem is in my case, and that is that I am just now beginning to actually work the Steps.
Maybe you have, so maybe that isn't relevant to your situation. But the fact that you are feeling like you are close to "blowing" your sobriety is cause for concern. Have you shared those feelings with your sponsor?
Skipping the meeting probably isn't a good idea, but you could let someone know you aren't feeling especially celebratory and don't care to speak on this occasion. You could simply say you are grateful you are sober, and leave it at that.
Hope you can get to the bottom of what's troubling you. Don't give up--it may be that you just have a little more work to do.
Hugs,
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