NEOMARXIST

I think letting go was a massive part of my recovery, especially in the early days/months. It still is fundamental to my grateful and contented sobriety as now I can think of the past without any nostalgic sadness but rather a smile. I could quote the big book of AA as to how I feel about it, as it somes it up pretty well, but I shall not.

I think acceptance is a massive part of letting go. How to let go of all those times spent with my mates listening to music at full tilt and laughing and joking whilst getting drunk and smoking weed? Man, I had some great times but I learned that those great times were in the past and never to return. My drinking and drugging really took off and the youthful naivety was sapped out of it and it became just a tool to escape myself and it got just dark. The people I used to get wrecked with no longer would hang around with me and I met up with some real 'hardcore' drinkers and druggers and we were like two peas in a pod. I got introduced to drinking first thing in the morning and taking the party into 2 solid days.

Then when I moved away from them I kept the party going, ever increasing in intensity of booze and drugs consumed, but the party was pretty much a one man party. As long as I had my tunes and my booze and drugs then I would be happy to lose myself in a different world. Man, it was a place I truly used to love.

I used to listen to my music with my headphones on at 4am and just love the feeling of utter euphoria and joy. Of course this got more and more fleeting and I would pay terribly for these highs. Of course I used alcohol as my medicine. Where as many partiers use weed to medicate their comedowns from Coke, speed and pils I used alcohol. I think this was definately a more dangerous route to go down as alcohol IMO is the most destructive drug of any drug, certainly that I ever used, and the hardest to let go of, Partly becuase of it's legality and also becuase it's such a massive part of English culture.

I had to let go of any notion that the good old days could somehow be rekindled. Even if I did get a good buzz going on, then it was not the same as it used to be, as all of my external factors were so much more f*cked up. Consequences of my drinking meant that as soon as the buzz was wearing off then I would get more desperate to get it back to get rid of the downer of how I was totally messing up my life.

It was incredibly hard to let go of alcohol and drugs. I spent a good couple of years off and on the merry-go-round of saying I was going to quit and then not being able to comprehend a life without my best friend booze. I loved drugs too and to me it was all one big package, I used to really enjoy smoking packet after packet of ciggies too, I don't know the tortured waster seemed to come naturally... I guess for some it just does.

Anyway I celebrated 14 months sober yesterday and as I sit hear listening to my music then it triggers old memories of the good old days. However I don't yearn for the booze and drugs anymore, instead I accept that I'm an alcoholic and addict. I know I am and my experince proved this to myself on many occassions. I am grateful that I pushed it real hard on the booze and drugs because it enabled me to reach the stage where I saw my life either as a recovering alcoholic or a tortured alcoholic full of shame and regret, there was no middle-ground for me.

I'm glad I chose recovery. Thanks to AA and SR who have helped me so much on this journey over the last 14 months. It's a one day at a time deal for me, it's so much more chilled out that way.

Peace

LaFemme

Congrats on 14 months! That's awesome:-)

Kerbcrawler

14 months thats pretty good going...hoping to follow your fine example..nice one.

wpainterw

Congrats. NeoM! Sounds like you're solidly on the road back. It gets easier from now on in, doesn't it, but you still have to watch out! I try to guard my happiness pretty carefully! LIke you mention you are still listening to your music. I do that too, but occasionally I hear something that I used to play to myself in the old drinking days and I can feel my brain saying, "I remember that!" and it's almost as if I could visualize myself back in those old days. But then I remind myself and perhaps change to a different channel.
Yours is a very honest story. I think that recovery has meant that you are very honest with others and with yourself. That's a very admirable thing to be.

W.

Dee74

way to go on 14 months Neo

D

FrankBarone

You're some man, Neo. Well done.

HIgby442

Congrats man! Its awesome that you have been able to take something you valued so much (your music it sounds like) from your old life and transofrm it into something positive in your new life. I love music too and for a while felt like I needed to keep some aspects of it out of my sober life, but am slowly coming to realize thats not true. I can enjoy some of the things I did pre-sobriety even BETTER than I did before.

Keep it up man!

24hrsAday

Congrats Neo.. Keep on Keeping on!!!

Mcribb

I hear ya dude. I was really depressed about the old times, atleast when it was good, when I was 21 and would crank up the music and party, but the party's over, or atleast moved to a different place. Sobriety.

Mcribb

You know I think I am on the right track if a song says something about whiskey, i just remember that the **** costs alot of money and misery. That if I am to never want whiskey again it takes work.