firestorm090

Maybe death is better than living as a drunk. Maybe some people, myself included just never getit, we never get to recover.I just don't know anymore.

I've been to countless AA meetings, been to two rehabs, have tried to work the steps, and yet I find myself drunk again tonight. I am literally killing myself, each drink I take is another stab wound. I'm bleeding inside, while the wounds are invisible outside. I just can't take it anymore.

ItWillBeWorthIt

Firestorm, I am so sorry you are going through a difficult time. I don't know your details, but it looks like you have been around this forum for awhile by the number of posts you have made. What has been the longest you have gone without a drink.

You indicate you have been to two rehabs, were they long term facilities? Do you know what triggers you to pick up that drink.

And no, death is not better... somehow you need to find the right program for you.

augustwest

death is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. you must keep trying. it took me 5 years to put together any significant clean time. i'll be celebrating 9 months next week. it's always darkest before the dawn. if i can do it, anyone can.

keithj

Ah, Dallas, I'm sorry for your struggle. Soul death is a good description of how I felt as well. I just knew that it was all wasted, everything worthwhile in my life. Alcoholism is a really tough deal.

I can assure you, though, that I've seen dozens of guys, just like you and me, that couldn't seem to get a hold of sobriety, turn around and have this thing click for them.

Trying to work the Steps has never gotten anyone sober. All I can offer, if you're willing, is to go over and look at what you have done so far. Let's see if there is something being missed in trying to work the Steps. Can it be looked at in another way that will click with you?

Drop me a PM if you want to talk about it.

jmf7dd

I agree that it's a permanent fix to a temporary problem. I do believe that alcoholism is a life long issue, but it doesn't have to be a problem. You need to remember that living in the SOLUTION and not the PROBLEM is the only way to succeed in AA. I drank for 20 years. I quit and was 'dry' many times... and I never remember what it was that got me drinking again. I'd be months into my next relapse and then realize, **** here I am, binging again. I can tell you there is hope. And if you keep trying you will get it. Accepting God into my life was the hardest part. When I did a huge, HUGE, weight was lifted off my shoulders. I hope you find your answer, I'll pray that you do. Keep working, it works if you work it, because you're worth it.

SASA

firestorm, a lot of us have been there. With every relapse and start you improve until you will make it. Today is the 1st day, dust youself off and start new. Today is the new day. Look on how far you have come before you relapsed, recovery is a journey.

least

I hope you can soon find a way to stay sober. You ARE killing yourself with each drink. Please don't give up on yourself. I relapsed constantly for almost two years but here I am nine months sober, so it IS possible for even the most hard headed to achieve sobriety.

CarolD

Dallas....
I was in AA 5 years before I had earned my 1 year medallion.

Perhaps it's time to see a counselor for exploring why you
return to drinking? It did help me with depression.
Then I could address my alcoholism.

There are many ways to live happily sucessfully sober,
you already know that.
Find something that works for you....

MelissaNoDrugs

Caught in between recovery and drinking is a horrible place. I understand and feel your pain.

A very wise person said to me, "they tell you don't drink and go to meetings. In that order. Don't drink comes first."

That was a lightbulb going off in my head. It made sense to a non-sensical brain. We sometimes confuse our priorities. Trying to keep it that simple sometimes helps. Good luck to you.

Anna

Firestorm,

You must not give up. I know how hard it is and how hopeless it can seem at times, but you must keep trying.

I like Carol's idea of talking to a counsellor. It might help. For me, I had to get my depression treated before I was able to stop drinking.

LaFemme

Hi firestorm. I was so impressed by how positive you have been lately, you have sounded like you were in a good place. Depression can come out of the blue and it is incredibly hard to get and stay sober without dealing with the depression, conversely it is incredibly hard to deal with the depression when drinking. So I second the advice to get help.

I don't know what your thoughts are on death or the possibility of reincarnation, but there are some who believe that if we don't learn our lessons in this life we have to come back in the next to deal with the same problem. To me the thought that there was any chance of this happening, gave me a lot of motivation to get better in this life ...death is never the answer.

I tried for five years to get sober starting in January 2005...I could never string more than a handful of days together. I thought like you, that some people just were doomed to not get it and that I was one of them. I read everything I could, I prayed constantly and still I drank (ok, so I didn't try AA, but everything else). I begged God to make alcohol repulsive to me and still I drank, as you so eloquently put it, I was killing myself with every drink, an invisible stab wound.

And then it happened, that "click" Keith speaks about. I think it must be different for everyone, so I can't t tell you how it changed for me. Keep trying, talk to Keith, see if you can figure out how to get the steps to click for you and don't give up.

DayTrader

Sorry to hear that Dallas. I figured something was up when I never heard back from you. Remember, you were going to check out some other meetings, look for some new people in recovery, go "searching" for that new sponsor and call me back to let me know how it went.

I can only assume that stuff didn't happen but maybe I'm wrong.

The AA program and the steps only work in partial doses if you're a partial alcoholic (aka a heavy drinker). Some people can afford to take what they want and leave the rest and not do EVERYTHING that the first 100 who contributed to that book did. Lord knows I tried every way I could to avoid doing ALL THAT STUFF. My results were similar.... I stayed miserable, hopeless, fearful, even contemplated suicide for a while because "nothing was working." I don't care if you're sick of hearing it or not - I love you too much to not say it again - the answer IS in that book but for a REAL ALCOHOLIC IT ONLY WORKS IF YOU DO IT ALL!

Think back...did you skimp in some way? Did you cut some corners? If you did, you're not alone. Believe me, everyone I know in AA tried to avoid as much of the work as they could......until they realized they HAD to do it all. And the cool thing is.......that's the sort of person the book was written for - the hopeless alcoholic who can't manage to stay sober no matter what they do. If you did half-a$$ through some of the stuff, welcome to the club - i did too for as long as I could take the pain.

There IS a solution buddy! You've seen it in others.....you can have it too bro. The ONLY downside is that you're going to have to do some things you don't "want" to do - but they'll save your life and give you a life that you don't probably think is even possible.

You've got my #..... gimme a call sometime if you'd like to.

DayTrader

sorry - double post.

michelle01

I agree with Carol. I think a combination of therapies is what has worked best for me, not just one single solution. If a person is not experiencing adjustment to sobriety or has continuing uncomfortable symptoms, mentally or emotionally, I think it is time to seek some further help, but you have to really give it a chance to work, not let your mind try to find reasons to skirt around it.

I continued in relapse mode for some time, but never gave up. Finally I saw what those relapses were doing to me.

I hope you don't reach the low point you did previously, prior to rehab.

julez

Oh Firestorm, I was worried about you when I didn't get a food log. Come on, think about it. You were so motivated to try new workouts, and new foods. There's always something new and better waiting for us around the corner. Your time to find that something WILL COME but you have to be HERE for it. I'm so sorry you are in pain right now, I understand how it feels to "be drunk again" and it sucks. But hang in there, keep trying, and keep looking for new ways to help yourself. There's something out there for you Firestorm.

firestorm090

I hope this post goes through, my computer's being a real pita.

Thanks for helping me.

I went on a date last night and was ok for the first couple hours, but after buying the lady I was with a couple glasses of wine, I eventually added a beer and was off my rocker again. I told her I didn't drink, but it was ok if she did, and then I just said I'll have a beer too when the waitress came. It was all downhill from there.

I am not healthy enough to put myself in that position. It's not her fault at all, I shouldn't have been there, but I just get tired of being alone sometimes. The steps work, AA works, but I chose to put what I've learned aside for a few hours of companionship with a lady who isn't tuned in to recovery and it backfired on me. I let myself down, no one did this to me.

I hate that I need help every day, but I do. If I let myself go even one day alone, I'm on the wrong track again.

Thanks for helping me........again.
D

LaFemme

Cherchez la femme...it's always a woman;-)

If you need help every day, you need help every day...no biggie, that's why we are all here. We help each other out.

firestorm090

I thought I could handle being in restaurant with booze all around, but I just can't right now. It's too easy to slip back into the old mindset.

Thanks LaFemme for the support. My head is really pounding right now. I even think my computer is hungover, lol.

Dee74

Hey D

Yeah - trying to keep this car on the road is really difficult...it's even more so when we head for the oil slicks, you know?

I was lonely too - but I knew I needed to work on myself first before I put myself out there for someone else....otherwise I was pretty much setting myself up for a fall.

I had to walk before I ran. I had to be secure - totally secure - in the fact that what I was presenting to the world was a guy who didn't drink - and who was ok with that.

I'm glad you're back with us
D

julez

Firestorm, you can beat this thing. I feel it.