firestorm090

I can't believe how bad I feel today. My hands are shaking, my thoughts are bouncing all over the place and my head feels like it's going to explode.

How can any of this be fun?

It's not fun, it's miserable.

Thanks for all your support. I'm a real mess today, so I'm off to take a nap for a few days, lol.

littlefish

A lot of us have gone through he same thing. I stayed with dear friends of mine shortly after I quit. I told them I couldn't drink because of high cholesterol meds. (Trying to make an excuse that sounded reasonable.)
After 18 days I relapsed when they offered me a glass of wine for the billionth time that evening during a party in my honor.
When I got home a few days later and unpacked my bags, I thought: next time I am not coming up with any excuses about meds, cholestorol, blah, blah. I am going to tell them I am an alcoholic in recovery, I go to AA meetings, I don't drink and...that's that.
I was afraid to come out of the closet.
Next time: I will be coming out of the closet.

keithj

But Dallas, you already know this. You already know what it feels like and where it will lead if you have that first drink. Your own experience abundantly confirms the inevitable outcome.

And yet knowing this did nothing to prevent it from happening. This is the essence of powerlessness. This is the first step. Knowing it did not prevent it.

It's not that being exposed to booze allowed you to slip into the old mindset. It's that having the old mindset allowed you to slip into booze.

Someway, somehow, that old mindset will always allow for slipping into booze, despite full knowledge of where booze will take me.

Ask yourself, if you want to, does a sane person choose these situations that always end badly? Or is it some strange kind of insanity, a mental blank spot, that seems to always lead you to these situations?

You see, I could change the situations. I could run around chasing my tail trying to control the situations that always seemed like they were the reason I got drunk. But I could not change the mindset. And the mindset will always find the necessary situations that ended with me being drunk.

I lacked the power to change the mindset.

When AA is approached with that fundamental truth about myself, revealed to me by my own experience, it becomes accessible on a whole different level.

LexieCat

Hey, Dallas,

Sorry to hear about what happened. It sounds like you are regrouping--I hope so.

I don't have any words of wisdom beyond what's been posted, but wanted to let you know you're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm pulling for you.

Anna

Firestorm,

I hope you feel better soon.

I couldn't be around alcohol at all for a long time when I stopped drinking. Take this as a lesson learned and move on.

Mcribb

you will get better, just hang tough and take care of yourself

Hevyn

Dallas I did the same thing - 3 years of sobriety out the window because I went on a date & didn't tell the man I was with that I didn't drink. He ordered wine & I barely gave it a thought - I started sipping it. That was the beginning of a 7 year binge that almost ended in death.

It doesn't sound like you're even close to having that happen. You've come here for help and you know what needs to be done. Ok, you knew it before - but now you're even more convinced that it can no longer be fun or relaxing for you. Even though you swore this time would be different and you'd have "just a couple" it never happens that way - and now you know it once again. I tried probably 50 times to moderate, always with the same results - BUT I am now sober for 2 yrs. 8 mos. This time I finally get it, I really, really know I can't pick up again. It doesn't matter how many times in the past you tried and fell back on it - you don't have to do it again. This can be the end of the madness. Please be kind to yourself and start again. I know you can do this.

firestorm090

Did I mention that my head hurts?????


It feels like one of those scifi movies where an alien crawls out of your forehead, then eats you. In fact, I think my skin is splitting open as I type this, lol.

I know what I need to do and have spoken to a couple AA people today and am going to a meeting tomorrow. Fresh start. Maybe this one will be the one that sticks.

Man, did I mention that my head hurts, lol. I think I poisoned my brain!!!!

traderjane

Firestorm, I have found that dating is a huge trigger for me to drink. I have been divorced for about 3 years now and at times have felt strong enough to try some dating. Without fail, every time I go on one of these dates I end up drinking even though I say I'm not going to (well, a couple of times I did manage without, but most of the time.... my plan to stay sober for the night goes out the window). At least for me it can be such an awkward and uncomfortable thing to go on these blind dates that the idea of a drink is just way too appealing.

I have decided that dating is ruining my focus, which should be on myself and staying away from alcohol, and I have recently canceled all of my memberships in all my dating sites/services, etc. It's just too much of a trigger for me.

I'm so sorry that happened to you. It does suck and I hope you feel better soon.

firestorm090

4 weeks ago I posted this thread and am bumping it today to remind myself of just what having a drink would feel like.

Today, I don't want a drink, I want a new life, and I can't have both, so no drinky for me, lol.

Things have gotten better in just four short weeks. Time seems to move faster now. I'm sure not bored. My body is starting to look normal again, the bloat is gone, I have more energy, my face looks pretty darn good, (no more dark rings under my eyes).

I feel at peace most of the time. When I don't, it's mainly because I'm not accepting life as it is. My problems are manageable, if I don't try to run all the elements and just stay focused on my part.

Other than that, well, the dishes are clean, the pizza box collection is gone, the house is clean and organized, and the yard looks much better without all the weeds and piles of newspapaers at the curb.

But the biggest change of all is today I have a smile on my face. I don't take myself too seriously and I'm happy to be part of the recovery community.

Thanks for helping me just by being here today.
Dallas

duggy

Fire, I don't have words of wisdom either..i'm new to this but I can offer you a hug and a prayer that you find strength for today and the days after

michelle01

Gratz on four weeks. It took me a few tries to get it. The important thing is to never give up.

I still sometimes try to tell myself 'okay, I can get away with this now and then...' but the mood swings and instability I go through as a result just isn't worth it.

It took time to feel comfortable in my own skin again. I didn't really drink for companionship or to be social, I drank more in private. But the companionship offered by alcohol always seemed to me quite empty.

Lenina

(((firestorm)))

I'm so happy to see you here, watching your peace grow as your recovery deepens! You've made some very thought-provoking posts in the last few weeks, and I thank you for that! Thank you for being here!

Love,

Lenina

Mcribb

Man talk about misery loves company, I find myself clicking on relapse threads or "people are down" threads I am sober for a month, but I get a sick pleasure out of clicking those threads. Glad the opening poster is doing well these days!

DayTrader

That thread D..... THAT ^^^^ my man is what SURRENDER looks like!! Heck-uva-job too!!! SOOOOOOO well done!!!!

LOL - See? you WIN by surrendering! Crazy isn't it?!?!?!?

Remember all those times you posted about, what do I have to surrender, how do I just "give in," isn't giving up the wrong thing...etc? Well pal, you gave up, started doing some things different, made some real changes (different meetings, good sponsor, coming to the realization that you damn well better "get" this AA thing - or else!) and look at you now!

Your posts seem happy. You feel better. You enjoy just "being." That my friend......that's the pure GIFT real sobriety brings. I'm soooooooooooooo glad you're really EXPERIENCING it.


(check yer pm's)

SSIL75

I didn't realize this was a bump and my heart sank reading the OP! I thought 'man - he was doing so well'. AND YOU ARE! Yay for positive updates.

duggy

Oh my..I thought the same thing..this is a wonderful thing!!!! glad to see you doing well my friend!!

tjp613

What a great success story!....with more to come! So glad you are doing well. (((HUGS)))

bellakeller

I am just so glad you are here. And I am glad you are alive and sober today.

Kitey

Aww Its good to see your back on track Firestorm. Just remind yourself of that Rotten Headache you had 4 weeks ago that should keep you from taking a drink! x