Destroyed
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: recovering
Posts: 121
Destroyed
My grandmother died 2 weeks ago and I have totally lost it. Threw away my sobriety for alcohol. After the funeral, surrounded myself by family members that drink and mourned with alcohol, and I joined them. But, now that I have came home to my own apartment, I can't stop drinking. But, I am in college and I'm messing that up. I drink 2 bottles of wine a day and only pretend to be okay. But I'm not okay. I need to stop drinking first of all, but I can't even get through a day without drinking, and that is sad. I don't want to lose my education and everything in my life to alcohol. 
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
Think about the your last line you wrote...you do NOT want to lose your education and everything in life to alcohol.
you know you are capable of putting down the wine glass and concentrating on getting yourself together.
I don't know the circumstances of your relationship with your grandmother, but reactive depression can be discussed with your doctor who can make a recommendation to you. There is a better way to handle it then sliding back down the hill.
I'm truly sorry for your loss, but hope you have some good memories to sustain you too.
you know you are capable of putting down the wine glass and concentrating on getting yourself together.
I don't know the circumstances of your relationship with your grandmother, but reactive depression can be discussed with your doctor who can make a recommendation to you. There is a better way to handle it then sliding back down the hill.
I'm truly sorry for your loss, but hope you have some good memories to sustain you too.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
This is just a suggestion, but I would seek outside help immediately. Not only have you experienced a loss, but you are drinking and can't stop. If you don't want to throw away your education and your life, then seek help. The semester just started and you don't want to stay in this groove. You may need some help to pull yourself out of your current groove.
Your school should have resources or drag yourself to a meeting. You need to nip this in the bud now or it will grow and that is the last thing you need right now.
I am sure your grandmother would like to see you put the bottle down, get some help, and apply yourself to your studies.
Your school should have resources or drag yourself to a meeting. You need to nip this in the bud now or it will grow and that is the last thing you need right now.
I am sure your grandmother would like to see you put the bottle down, get some help, and apply yourself to your studies.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,439
I'm so sorry for your loss Broken. I think that you and I know tho that drinking on grief is like stoking a fire...the pain goes nowhere...
It's very important that you stop this now - every day that goes by that you continue to do this digs you in deeper.
If you're in AA or some other group - use it....if not, maybe now's the time you need to bite the bullet and check it out.
I'd also go see your Dr and/or your therapist if you have one - they may be able to help, and they may be able to refer you to a grief counsellor or something.
As was suggested above, your campus should have a variety of help available - please use it.
You've done this before - I know you can do it.
Break the cycle.
D
It's very important that you stop this now - every day that goes by that you continue to do this digs you in deeper.
If you're in AA or some other group - use it....if not, maybe now's the time you need to bite the bullet and check it out.
I'd also go see your Dr and/or your therapist if you have one - they may be able to help, and they may be able to refer you to a grief counsellor or something.
As was suggested above, your campus should have a variety of help available - please use it.
You've done this before - I know you can do it.
Break the cycle.
D
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: recovering
Posts: 121
I made an appointment with my school doctor- next Tuesday morning. So I just need to stop drinking before then. I'm going to tell my doctor about the pain from my grandmother's death.
But I know I cannot keep living this way. Even my grandmother supported my recovery. I wish I had never given my sobriety up. It was totally not worth it. It's called life and things happen, people live and die, and hearts get broken but they also mend.
I would have still been okay even if I had never picked up that wine glass again. If anything ever happens in my family again, I need to tell them that I choose to deal with it in other ways. Alcohol is never the answer for me. I am most definitely an alcoholic.
But I know I cannot keep living this way. Even my grandmother supported my recovery. I wish I had never given my sobriety up. It was totally not worth it. It's called life and things happen, people live and die, and hearts get broken but they also mend.
I would have still been okay even if I had never picked up that wine glass again. If anything ever happens in my family again, I need to tell them that I choose to deal with it in other ways. Alcohol is never the answer for me. I am most definitely an alcoholic.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Broken, you did a great thing by making that appointment. Its very hard to lose a loved one. Grief sometimes can feel unbearable. Time will go on, and it will gradually fade. But if you damage your body, it may be irrepairable. Your family will understand if you don't drink with them again. Focus on being the best "you" that you can be. Isn't that what your Grams would've wanted?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: recovering
Posts: 121
Thanks everyone. I came to the right place. People in recovery understand me better than anyone else in this world.
My grandmother supported my recovery. Even in April, when I picked up a white chip and then drove 30 minutes to her house to see her and show her my white chip, she looked at me and said, "I'm proud of you." And I promised her that I would graduate from college and I intend to keep that promise to her; both for her and myself.
But now I'm here at school; 2 weeks in, and I have a test tomorrow, and I have 4 chapters to catch up on and learn- 10% of my grade.
I'm strong in my heart even though the pain of my grandmothers death stings so bad- but I HAVE to find the strength to move forward. I WANT to do well in college.
My grandmother supported my recovery. Even in April, when I picked up a white chip and then drove 30 minutes to her house to see her and show her my white chip, she looked at me and said, "I'm proud of you." And I promised her that I would graduate from college and I intend to keep that promise to her; both for her and myself.
But now I'm here at school; 2 weeks in, and I have a test tomorrow, and I have 4 chapters to catch up on and learn- 10% of my grade.
I'm strong in my heart even though the pain of my grandmothers death stings so bad- but I HAVE to find the strength to move forward. I WANT to do well in college.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2010
Location: recovering
Posts: 121
I am okay. I have recently began going to church and it has helped me more than anything ever. Not having a car has threw a monkey wrench into it, but I might get a taxi to take me to church next week.
And I talked to an AA person today.
And I talked to an AA person today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: NJ
Posts: 20,458
I think you are moving forward and you realize that you do NOT want to drink, but fell bakwards..you've now reached out for help, you made phone calls, realize what studying needs to be done and are making a plan for yourself.
these are all good things....keep posting and let us know how it is going.
these are all good things....keep posting and let us know how it is going.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Hi Chains!
Way to go! Your grandma is up there in heaven rooting for you! As for the test tomorrow, just do the best you can. What with grade inflation you'll probably do O.K. Just try to stay cool and don't tense up. Kipling has a poem called "If". It has some good stuff in it. Just google it up. Good luck to you. Hang in there.
W.
Way to go! Your grandma is up there in heaven rooting for you! As for the test tomorrow, just do the best you can. What with grade inflation you'll probably do O.K. Just try to stay cool and don't tense up. Kipling has a poem called "If". It has some good stuff in it. Just google it up. Good luck to you. Hang in there.
W.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: FL
Posts: 173
I am so sorry for your loss, my grandmother passed in '93 and I still miss her. Hospice is wonderful if you can get some counseling through them. Please know that eventually you will just have the happy memories and the hurt will fade. Grandmas are special and we can honor them by living up to the life they would want for us. Don't get down on yourself, I keep relapsing as well, but I keep trying and she would be proud of you for that! Don't give up!
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