Stark_Raving_Sober
i've done my almost
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
Stark_Raving_Sober
I'm almost 9 months sober, but I might be more insane than I've ever been before (includes when I was drinking/using).
I'm in AA, working the steps with a sponsor, and somewhat active in my home group. I pray often.
My drinking days continue to haunt me.
I just simply cannot stop thinking about the past, what I've done, who I did it too, and what little is left of me.
I'm disappointed w/ my life, yet grateful I'm getting better.
I'm disappointed I still have to go to court for my 2nd dui, but grateful I didn't seriously hurt anyone in the wreck.
I'm disappointed w/ my job (and salary), yet grateful I'm working and my employer is 100% aware of my alcoholism and impending court date.
I'm disappointed I can't drive, but grateful the 1-year license suspension will be over soon (Jan 2010).
(just for the record, I take full responsibility for my actions and blame no one but myself for the 2 duis and all alcohol related consequences)
I can say the serenity prayer a million times a day, I can talk to my sponsor till I'm blue in the face, I can meditate, pray, post here, and while that goes a long way in changing my thinking patterns, the facts still remain. Those facts are I'm in a lot of trouble (2nd dui), I feel like a prisoner b/c I can't drive and soon will have to go to jail and be on probation, and I'm scared to death about facing life going forward. I'm also extremely disappointed and embarrassed of who I am, what I've become, and how hard life is for me (or how hard I make it).
I'm stark raving sober (and very fearful of the future).
Kjell
I'm in AA, working the steps with a sponsor, and somewhat active in my home group. I pray often.
My drinking days continue to haunt me.
I just simply cannot stop thinking about the past, what I've done, who I did it too, and what little is left of me.
I'm disappointed w/ my life, yet grateful I'm getting better.
I'm disappointed I still have to go to court for my 2nd dui, but grateful I didn't seriously hurt anyone in the wreck.
I'm disappointed w/ my job (and salary), yet grateful I'm working and my employer is 100% aware of my alcoholism and impending court date.
I'm disappointed I can't drive, but grateful the 1-year license suspension will be over soon (Jan 2010).
(just for the record, I take full responsibility for my actions and blame no one but myself for the 2 duis and all alcohol related consequences)
I can say the serenity prayer a million times a day, I can talk to my sponsor till I'm blue in the face, I can meditate, pray, post here, and while that goes a long way in changing my thinking patterns, the facts still remain. Those facts are I'm in a lot of trouble (2nd dui), I feel like a prisoner b/c I can't drive and soon will have to go to jail and be on probation, and I'm scared to death about facing life going forward. I'm also extremely disappointed and embarrassed of who I am, what I've become, and how hard life is for me (or how hard I make it).
I'm stark raving sober (and very fearful of the future).
Kjell
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
What helped me was learning to differentiate "taking responsibility" from "blame." The first is about acceptance, the latter is about anger and self hatred. For me, recovery was a process that enabled me to begin to love, rather than hate, myself.
And btw....most jails have AA meetings, and certainly you can choose to use your experience to benefit others. It's a really good way to feel good about yourself.
blessings
zenbear
And btw....most jails have AA meetings, and certainly you can choose to use your experience to benefit others. It's a really good way to feel good about yourself.
blessings
zenbear
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
It sounds like a 2nd Step proposition problem, Kjell. Easy to go through the motions, but very hard to actually live as though I actually have faith.
Maybe ask yourself, have I really given my will and life over to the care of something else? Am I willing to go wherever it takes me?
I was in a similar situation when I got sober. Job in trouble, finishing a divorce, awaiting sentencing for a felony DUI, debt out the whazoo.
And I just didn't care what happened. I was either going to stay sober or I wasn't. And by that time, a few months sober and working the steps, I knew that sobriety was the only thing that mattered. I could live through anything else, but I could not live with a return to drinking.
And by staying focused on making progress in the Steps, and letting the rest of my life play out as it did, I made it through that rough time of cleaning up my past life.
I remember one night, riding my bike in the rain back to jail on work release. It was dark and cold and miserable. Things were bleak in my life. But the Steps were working on me. I was changing. And I remember smiling, knowing that all I had to do was keep on the path, and I would never have to go through this again.
I looked at my bleak situation as simply the process of cleaning up the past, paying my debts, and setting things right. I knew if I did that well, things would be OK.
Maybe ask yourself, have I really given my will and life over to the care of something else? Am I willing to go wherever it takes me?
I was in a similar situation when I got sober. Job in trouble, finishing a divorce, awaiting sentencing for a felony DUI, debt out the whazoo.
And I just didn't care what happened. I was either going to stay sober or I wasn't. And by that time, a few months sober and working the steps, I knew that sobriety was the only thing that mattered. I could live through anything else, but I could not live with a return to drinking.
And by staying focused on making progress in the Steps, and letting the rest of my life play out as it did, I made it through that rough time of cleaning up my past life.
I remember one night, riding my bike in the rain back to jail on work release. It was dark and cold and miserable. Things were bleak in my life. But the Steps were working on me. I was changing. And I remember smiling, knowing that all I had to do was keep on the path, and I would never have to go through this again.
I looked at my bleak situation as simply the process of cleaning up the past, paying my debts, and setting things right. I knew if I did that well, things would be OK.
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
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Originally Posted by zbear23 
And btw....most jails have AA meetings, and certainly you can choose to use your experience to benefit others. It's a really good way to feel good about yourself.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 4,682
I got sober, i worked the steps and got a spiritual awakenng (of the educational variety)...what difference did this make to me with regard to what you have posted?
Ok before i worked step 9 i still had the same feelings about the past...my first amend to was a guy whose bar i had wrecked and done some other nasty personal stuff too...i waited 2 weeks before going, my sponsor was telling me to meet him outside of the bar, my counselor who my sponsor had asked to help us phrase the amend a little better said the same...one morning i thought screw this and went to his bar...i kid you not 5 minutes later i walked out, no hard feelings from him, a handshake and he would not accept any money for the damage to the bar and wished me good luck...point is it was all in my head...i was projecting on him what i thought that i might think in his situation...the reality was completely different.
Another amend, a financial one this time...credit card debt and, what was basically, cheque fraud...last amend to make...cut long story short bank had written off monies, never once in the last 8 years had the authorities tried to contact me on my mother (they had the address)...so for 8 years i had been worried everytime i went to a country, was convinced that i could not return to that country and put my name down on the records etc...once again the crap that i was in my head was projecting what i thought was reality when the reality was actually completely different...even if i had made the amend 7 years ago it would have been just a simple matter of making payments to pay off the debt...no international warrant for me, no never being able to return to a country!
Next the feelings of shame and guilt and remource...once the majority of the amends had been made i was free, i didnt regret the past or feel shame over it...by then i understood that for all intent and purposes i was a couple of cans short of a six pack for all those years and for someone who clearly was not firing on all cylinders i wasn't actually that bad a guy just sick as hell!
Family...identified my part in it and made amends, this was a difficult one for me to be honest...sent letters first off cos they are in a different country...perfect way to make an amend but im not an idiot and knew that this was the initial work so they will be coming over to see me in uae on neutral ground and we will see where we go from there, relationship wise...but no more negative feelings inside.
So what else...well there is nothing else...there is no-one that i am afraid to bump into, i know that i have made amends for my past behavior, i know that i am where i am because i am meant to be here, im totally at peace with the past and think i am an alright guy, no i love this guy typing this actually...quite a swing from hating him!
Career wise sure i could be in a much better position but so could a lot of people who aren't alcoholics...i love it when people ask where i think would be if i hadn't been an alcoholic, maybe a brain surgoen (even though i hate the sight of blood), maybe a fighter pilot (even though i hate heights) or maybe a billionaire (even though i am downright lazy...but we are working on that one)....insert whatever then come back to reality:-)
I have a question...how many amends have you done and how far through step 9 are you? One more, if you aren't making amends why not and why have you not started?
Take care matey and trust the process :ghug3
Ok before i worked step 9 i still had the same feelings about the past...my first amend to was a guy whose bar i had wrecked and done some other nasty personal stuff too...i waited 2 weeks before going, my sponsor was telling me to meet him outside of the bar, my counselor who my sponsor had asked to help us phrase the amend a little better said the same...one morning i thought screw this and went to his bar...i kid you not 5 minutes later i walked out, no hard feelings from him, a handshake and he would not accept any money for the damage to the bar and wished me good luck...point is it was all in my head...i was projecting on him what i thought that i might think in his situation...the reality was completely different.
Another amend, a financial one this time...credit card debt and, what was basically, cheque fraud...last amend to make...cut long story short bank had written off monies, never once in the last 8 years had the authorities tried to contact me on my mother (they had the address)...so for 8 years i had been worried everytime i went to a country, was convinced that i could not return to that country and put my name down on the records etc...once again the crap that i was in my head was projecting what i thought was reality when the reality was actually completely different...even if i had made the amend 7 years ago it would have been just a simple matter of making payments to pay off the debt...no international warrant for me, no never being able to return to a country!
Next the feelings of shame and guilt and remource...once the majority of the amends had been made i was free, i didnt regret the past or feel shame over it...by then i understood that for all intent and purposes i was a couple of cans short of a six pack for all those years and for someone who clearly was not firing on all cylinders i wasn't actually that bad a guy just sick as hell!
Family...identified my part in it and made amends, this was a difficult one for me to be honest...sent letters first off cos they are in a different country...perfect way to make an amend but im not an idiot and knew that this was the initial work so they will be coming over to see me in uae on neutral ground and we will see where we go from there, relationship wise...but no more negative feelings inside.
So what else...well there is nothing else...there is no-one that i am afraid to bump into, i know that i have made amends for my past behavior, i know that i am where i am because i am meant to be here, im totally at peace with the past and think i am an alright guy, no i love this guy typing this actually...quite a swing from hating him!
Career wise sure i could be in a much better position but so could a lot of people who aren't alcoholics...i love it when people ask where i think would be if i hadn't been an alcoholic, maybe a brain surgoen (even though i hate the sight of blood), maybe a fighter pilot (even though i hate heights) or maybe a billionaire (even though i am downright lazy...but we are working on that one)....insert whatever then come back to reality:-)
I have a question...how many amends have you done and how far through step 9 are you? One more, if you aren't making amends why not and why have you not started?
Take care matey and trust the process :ghug3
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Texas
Posts: 275
Well best of luck to you, I understand. Certain things can be conquered or forgiven for this and that...but I have a hard time letting go the fact that I drank heavily from the age of 18 'til this year at 36. 1/2 of my life if you're counting at home. Kinda hard to let that go. Hope all goes OK for you.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Hey Kjell..... I knew what you were going to say as soon as I read the title of the thread. I went through the same thing right around the same time in sobriety.
Zbear's right...and so is Keith - as far as what worked for me.
I REEEALLY hunkered down on the steps, eventually changed sponsors to someone "more serious" about the program, got back into inventory(ies), all that stuff. It started becoming apparent that I wasn't really "living" step 2.....and I wasn't really doing much with 12 either - then again, I don't think too many ppl even wanted what I had....hell, even I didn't
LOL
Needless to say, my "prayers and meditation" got a whole lot more frequent and now they're part of my everyday practice - no matter what. I also made it a "requirement" for myself to always be on the hunt for ppl I could help - in AA and outside of AA. That helped BIG TIME with a lot of those fears, guilts, self-hatred sort of feelings.
I also came to the conclusion that I am often powerless over what I think (i know..ugh, back to step 1 again). I wasn't able to control my racing thoughts like I thought I should be able to. Eventually, it all brought me to a completely new level of surrender, faith in God, and faith in the program of AA.
I didn't like it when I heard it but I'll say it anyway.... try not to be too hard on yourself. You're a good person, you're doing what you can to change your life, and you're on the right path. That's a heck-uv-a accomplishment in and of itself.
Zbear's right...and so is Keith - as far as what worked for me.
I REEEALLY hunkered down on the steps, eventually changed sponsors to someone "more serious" about the program, got back into inventory(ies), all that stuff. It started becoming apparent that I wasn't really "living" step 2.....and I wasn't really doing much with 12 either - then again, I don't think too many ppl even wanted what I had....hell, even I didn't
LOLNeedless to say, my "prayers and meditation" got a whole lot more frequent and now they're part of my everyday practice - no matter what. I also made it a "requirement" for myself to always be on the hunt for ppl I could help - in AA and outside of AA. That helped BIG TIME with a lot of those fears, guilts, self-hatred sort of feelings.
I also came to the conclusion that I am often powerless over what I think (i know..ugh, back to step 1 again). I wasn't able to control my racing thoughts like I thought I should be able to. Eventually, it all brought me to a completely new level of surrender, faith in God, and faith in the program of AA.
I didn't like it when I heard it but I'll say it anyway.... try not to be too hard on yourself. You're a good person, you're doing what you can to change your life, and you're on the right path. That's a heck-uv-a accomplishment in and of itself.
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
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Originally Posted by keithj
It sounds like a 2nd Step proposition problem, Kjell. Easy to go through the motions, but very hard to actually live as though I actually have faith.
Maybe ask yourself, have I really given my will and life over to the care of something else? Am I willing to go wherever it takes me?
Maybe ask yourself, have I really given my will and life over to the care of something else? Am I willing to go wherever it takes me?
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
^^^ THAT'S the honesty that'll go a long way to saving yer a$$ bud. My answer was exactly the same.... still is sometimes today too.... but those times are getting less frequent and don't last as long.
This part of recovery is a blitch.....that's about the best way I can put it.... I but I can also PROMISE you from the bottom of my heart that it's SOOOOOOOOOOOO frickin worth it......... SO WORTH IT!!! Lean on us, your sponsor, your friends in the fellowship, and especially your HP. THIS is some of the heavy lifting that a lot of ppl balk at - and I understand it. It's not fun, it's scary as heII, you won't necessarily "want" to do it, etc etc....... but PLOW THROUGH IT.
I've found that "growth" in AA is rarely fun. That said, the BEST things I've experienced in the program have allllllllllllways come as the result of going through something I didn't want to have to go through.
I wish you could see me fist-pumping you.......rooting you on..... keep pushing my man.... keep pushing through.
**and check yer pm's
This part of recovery is a blitch.....that's about the best way I can put it.... I but I can also PROMISE you from the bottom of my heart that it's SOOOOOOOOOOOO frickin worth it......... SO WORTH IT!!! Lean on us, your sponsor, your friends in the fellowship, and especially your HP. THIS is some of the heavy lifting that a lot of ppl balk at - and I understand it. It's not fun, it's scary as heII, you won't necessarily "want" to do it, etc etc....... but PLOW THROUGH IT.
I've found that "growth" in AA is rarely fun. That said, the BEST things I've experienced in the program have allllllllllllways come as the result of going through something I didn't want to have to go through.
I wish you could see me fist-pumping you.......rooting you on..... keep pushing my man.... keep pushing through.
**and check yer pm's
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Posts: 3,095
Originally Posted by Kjell
Probably when it's convenient and not involving pain is when I don't have a problem with turning my life over to the care of my HP.
But what about those things I really care about? My job, my kids, the girl, my money, my social standing, hell, even my freedom. Oh no, those things are soooo important that I better maintain control of them to make sure they go the way I think they need to go.
And I'm squarely confronted with the fact that either god is either everything or he is nothing, in AA speak. Is or isn't.
I know this sounds scary, to give up those things that mean the most to me. But that's where true freedom is. At least that's how it works for me.
You're perfect, Kjell. Keep plugging along and try to be OK with not knowing where it leads. Float with it instead of swimming against it.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by keithj
I know this sounds scary, to give up those things that mean the most to me. But that's where true freedom is. At least that's how it works for me.
You're perfect, Kjell. Keep plugging along and try to be OK with not knowing where it leads. Float with it instead of swimming against it.
I mean, how the heII am I supposed to be "ok with not knowing where it leads?" How am I supposed to be ok with just letting go of EVERYTHING? Well, ya start slowly with as much as you can bear to let go of..... give it a bit of time... then check how you feel. Virtually guaranteed, you'll want to give away more to HP.
With practice it get easier and you'll actually start to laugh at yourself when you catch yourself holding onto something that you know you have no business controlling.
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Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Kjell, congrats on 9 months sober! My first year of sobriety I barely left my house except to go to work (which I hated) or walk my dog. I was so filled with shame and loathing for myself and as I began to remember more and more of all that I had conveniently forgotten it got worse. 9 months into sobriety I started reading the bible, I've never been a terribly religous person and rarely go to church, I spent an entire summer reading the bible cover to cover and thats when my healing truly began. The bible isn't for everyone but there are tons of books out there that can help with the healing process. You deserve to love yourself, we all do.
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
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Originally Posted by yeahgr8
I have a question...how many amends have you done and how far through step 9 are you? One more, if you aren't making amends why not and why have you not started?
It's been a few weeks since my last amend, so this is a good reminder to get back to work on that. ... my sponsor and I could probably complete step 9 in one face-to-face meeting and I hope we can do that this weekend.
i've done my almost
Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by DayTrader
I wasn't able to control my racing thoughts like I thought I should be able to. Eventually, it all brought me to a completely new level of surrender, faith in God, and faith in the program of AA.
What did you do to stop those racing thoughts?
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em and fought 'em......
then......because fighting was KILLING me.........(and I mean DARN NEAR killing me).... I was FORCED to take step 1, 2, 3, 4, 6 & 7 (I left out 5 because I didn't read every single thing I wrote, which was multiple 100's of pages, as if my life depended upon it..... and I knew it did too.
then......because fighting was KILLING me.........(and I mean DARN NEAR killing me).... I was FORCED to take step 1, 2, 3, 4, 6 & 7 (I left out 5 because I didn't read every single thing I wrote, which was multiple 100's of pages, as if my life depended upon it..... and I knew it did too.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Woops..... rest of my post got deleted...
I made a REAL list.....didn't hide the ppl I left of the first couple 8th step lists.....and I GOT tooooooooooootally willing to make those amends no matter how much they hurt me (of course, I didn't do the ones that would hurt them or anyone else) and I moved like my butt was on fire (actually, it WAS...lol). I started praying and MEANING it. I started SURRENDERING for REAL. I prayed and prayed for willingness to let go of defects and to let go of the things I liked......to let go of EVERYTHING that blocked me from God - ESPECIALLY alllllllllllll my "supposed" willpower. Screw willpower.....all it was getting me was misery. I had to finally admit complete defeat.....so, begrudgingly, I did.
In a nutshell....... I did the steps like my life depended upon it for the first time.... and I was many MONTHS away from my last drink..... I was dry but I wasn't sober - I was about as far from "of sane mind and sound judgment" as I had ever been.....drinking included.
I made a REAL list.....didn't hide the ppl I left of the first couple 8th step lists.....and I GOT tooooooooooootally willing to make those amends no matter how much they hurt me (of course, I didn't do the ones that would hurt them or anyone else) and I moved like my butt was on fire (actually, it WAS...lol). I started praying and MEANING it. I started SURRENDERING for REAL. I prayed and prayed for willingness to let go of defects and to let go of the things I liked......to let go of EVERYTHING that blocked me from God - ESPECIALLY alllllllllllll my "supposed" willpower. Screw willpower.....all it was getting me was misery. I had to finally admit complete defeat.....so, begrudgingly, I did.
In a nutshell....... I did the steps like my life depended upon it for the first time.... and I was many MONTHS away from my last drink..... I was dry but I wasn't sober - I was about as far from "of sane mind and sound judgment" as I had ever been.....drinking included.
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Cumming, Ga
Posts: 665
There is some damage that I just have to learn to live with. Either the amend is not appropriate at the present time or the harm I have done is so great that the person the amend is owed can't have anything to do with me. That has been my experience. The book says that there is a long period of reconstruction ahead. Those words were not placed there in that place just willy nilly. That sentence was so important, that my sponsor read it 3 times to us. It is borne out of experience. In the meantime, may I suggest considering a diving into service. I've found that heavy involvement in the group really equalizes a lot of this stuff that's bouncing around in your head. I have to have all 3 parts of the triangle active in my life.
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