SunnyDays3

Years ago I found this site but never registered, but I've read a lot of your posts. Alcohol has completely taken over my life, and I'm scared. I have always been a drinker as have a lot of people in my family. It's hard for me to determine when it went from being social to having to be every day to get me though my anxiety. I know it's a cycle, and the alcohol is probably the cause of the anxiety. Back in January I got put on anxiety meds, and they seemed to help, but I was still drinking. I was married, and we both drank a lot socially, but I also started drinking during the day while he was at work. He didn't know how much I drank. I think he just assumed that I had a glass of wine while I was cooking dinner right before he got home. We had a rocky marriage, and he wasn't home a lot, so it was easy for me to start drinking more. About 6 months ago, he told me out of the blue that he wanted a divorce... I had no choice, and he didn't want to work on things. I was devastated. I ended up being very depressed for a while, but then I stayed with some friends, and we went out drinking a lot, and I felt better. Finally had to move back in with some family members because I don't have a job or much money at all. We are still friends, and he is being nice enough to stay married for a while, so I can have health insurance. We are living in 2 different states now. A couple months ago, I stopped the anxiety meds and felt great... I was feeling happy, and had a part time job. A few weeks ago, the anxiety came back full force. I have a hard time sleeping, and I always feel nervous. I think I need to get back on the anxiety meds now. Haven't stopped drinking yet, although I haven't had anything today. My appetite has been really low lately, so I'm feeling drained. I know I need to stop, but I know I'm also still at that point of thinking maybe I could just cut back. I know what everyone will say about that... it just doesn't work. I have a doc appt on Tuesday for some blood work, but I know I'll be scared to bring this up. I don't know if I should just stop all weekend before I go... I've already been craving a drink all morning. I've detoxed a couple times before, and I've never had bad withdrawals, but I know that can always change. I'm just so scared about my future. I feel so lost and alone, and I know I need to get on my feet and get on with life, but I'm very afraid of being alone for the rest of my life. I wanted to stay married. I'm going to make an appt to see a counselor sometime next week too. I think that might help a little. Thanks for listening to me ramble.

IrishEyes88

Hi. I'm struggling too with my drinking. But thinking about when I can finally get control makes me so hopeful. I'm sure drinking has had a negative impact on your confidence and self-esteem.

Do you think sobriety could help with that? Knowing that you accomplished what you set out to do. I hope you and I both can do this right.

Murray4x5

It's not rambling at all, just you being honest with yourself

It's great to hear you've made doctor's appointments already - it took me a while to get brave enough to do that. Since you're in there, you should fess up about the drinking though, otherwise the doctor won't be able to get a complete picture of all the facets that are affecting your health.

Are there any face to face meetings in your area with other people with alcohol issues, like SMART or AA? Sounds like you need company in this?

Congratulations on your first post here...it marks a line in the sand...the starting line of your recovery!

Murray

LexieCat

Hi,

I spent four and a half years in a support group that was designed to teach moderate drinking habits. I did everything suggested. In that time, of the hundreds and hundreds of people I encountered on that site, I only know a handful for whom moderate drinking on a consistent and comfortable basis has been achieved.

I think that for the vast majority of people concerned enough to seek out help for a drinking problem, they are past the point of being able to successfully moderate their drinking. For me, moderation was an exercise in frustration--if I was drinking as I wanted to drink, I wasn't moderating. If I was moderating, I didn't see the point in drinking--it wasn't giving me what I wanted.

When I finally threw in the towel and accepted the fact that I cannot drink safely, it was a huge relief. I don't fight alcohol anymore. It will beat me every time if I try.

For me, the biggest mental hurdle was accepting the fact that I couldn't just "put my mind to it" and exercise willpower. Willpower is highly overrated. What counts is having the kind of life you want for yourself. For me, that meant the booze went. Out of my life, period.

SunnyDays3

Thanks for the responses. Yes, my self esteem has gone down tremendously over the years. I don't like what I see when I look in the mirror. I feel like such a failure because I can't seem to get my life on track. I looked up AA meetings today, and none of them are really close by. With the way my anxiety has been lately, I really don't like to drive far. Maybe I'll see if I can find something close by. I hadn't been to a doc in years, but last Feb I had to go. I was afraid to tell them about my drinking habits. I was so nervous going in I couldn't even believe it. Since then I've gone to docs for small things, but I never tell them the extent of it. I know I need to be honest, but I've never been honest with anyone about how much I drink. My family knows I drink, but they have no clue how much. I'm thinking about talking to them about it soon though. I'm getting afraid that I can't do this alone.

Kitey

Hi and Welcome

Drinking took over my life too until I decided I had to Stop. Its all or Nothing for me because I could never just have one or two and then Stop. Once i taste it , it takes over big time. I hope you can either Control it or stop Completely but I think the former doesn't work..

I wish you Both well with whatever you decide! xx

LexieCat

If you call the number for AA in the phone book, someone might be able to take you to a meeting. Maybe meet you halfway.

I love AA--it is giving me back my life.

ItWillBeWorthIt

Drinking is not just emotionally draining, but also physically addictive, which could be why you are wanting a drink this morning. I have been there... I use to drink in the morning to help with anxiety and the ability to get slightly motivated, which only worked in the short term.

I realize now, the damage it caused... and that did include lowering self esteem/ confidence, massive anxiety problems, eating disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder... and I could go on and on. The point I am trying to make is nothing is good about drinking, for me anyway. I will be one of those alcoholics that will NEVER be able to touch a drink, because one will lead to 20 or more in a 24 hour period.

I quit for 7 years and took a drink, thinking it would be fine, and ended up in the same mess, even worse. I have learned the consequence of taking that one drink, I am NOT going down that path again. Lesson has been learned!!!!

You maybe able to get a ride to AA from a friend or a member of AA. I wish you great success and stay in touch, you will find excellent people on this site who have been there and truly care. They have helped me immensely though the process of recovery.

artsoul

I'm so glad you're here, SunnyDay - you really can get your life back! You're right that anxiety comes with drinking (also with the rebound effect from anti-anxiety meds). You may be surprised that once you get through the first few days of not drinking, you feel a new strength and calm. That's the way it was for me anyway.

Keep posting and reading on the forum. You're not alone, and we're all here for you!:ghug3

Anna

SunnyDays,

Welcome and you will find lots of support and help here.

It's really hard to deal with low self-esteem and addiction. My drinking made me feel so miserable about myself, that it was hard to see my way out of the hole. And, I spent so much time going around in the vicious cycle. Finally, in desperation, I took a leap of faith. I knew that I had to stop drinking and deal with things or my life would be completely out of control. I find that, if you take one positive step, it will have a ripple effect in your life. Going to the dr is a good start. Next, try eating healthy meals and getting a routine in your day for meals. Good nutrition is so important in recovery. And, keep reading and posting. Let us know how the dr appt turns out.

MaryAnn100

Hi Sunnydays,

Welcome to SR. It's a great support system.

Drinking alcoholically only gives you anxiety or exacerbates anxiety that is caused by an underlying issue. If you don't stop drinking, and you need to speak to your doctor about doing this, the anxiety will never go away, you cannot deal with any issues that are there, whether caused by drink or pre-existing, unless you stop clouding things with drink.

I have drank alcoholically all my life and it does give you terrible anxiety. I got anti-anxiety meds and went through a cycle for several years of drinking and then taking and eventually abusing and becoming addicted to the meds as well as drink. I feel calmer since I stopped throwing drink and drugs into the mix that is life and for me the AA philosophy and way of living is helping me to deal with not only the drink but the issues that I have, internal and external.

Welcome and take it easy,

Annette

wpainterw

Hi SunnyDays3! Hey! I used to live out in Illinois! Sorry you're having a rough time of it. It might be hard for you to tell the doctor about your drinking but it is likely to be important since some medications, for anxiety or other things, may not work properly if you have alcohol in your system. Maybe you can use the internet to find a closer AA meeting. Or put in a call to the AA central office in Chicago. They would probably be able to direct you further. My experience over 40 years of trying to get into recovery alone was that I couldn't do this by myself. It took me a long time to learn that. Good luck and keep in touch with the fine folks on this website.

W.

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

Please be honest with your doctor...how can anyone know
how to treat you when they have no clue as to what
is going on?
It's also extremely dangerous to mix alcohol with some meds.
Dangerous in the sense....it makes you stop breathing

Hope you continue to share with us.....