AA Dilemma
 

Hi everyone,

I attended 3 meetings this week. I met a lot of really amazing people, and as I’ve mentioned in a few other posts, it was very inspiring and gave me a lot of strength. I exchanged numbers with some really cool women, and all in all, just feel really good about it.

BUT…

I gave my number to this woman, and she has been calling me every night since, asking me if I’m going to that night's meeting. I’m pretty positive her intentions are good, and her heart is in the right place, but as selfish as this sounds, this is something I want to do on my own. I don’t want to feel “coerced” into going to meetings, or feel obligated.

Last night she called me, and my friend and I were having a nice, sober evening baking cookies. When I told her that I wasn’t coming to last night's meeting, she got really snippy with me and told me that I should be going to 90 meetings in 90 days if I really want to “work the program.” I didn’t know what to say. She then proceeded to ask me if I was going to be attending tomorrow (tonight) night’s meeting, and I said yes, almost out of guilt. I felt like I failed even though I haven’t had a drink.

I know she is going to call me again tonight, and even though I was planning on going to the meeting (it’s a women’s meeting that I am really looking forward to), I don’t really want her calling me EVERY single night and telling me that I need to “work the program.” I don't want to offend her, or hurt her feelings.

Any advice? I hope I’m not sounding like an ungrateful brat.

I'm sorry you are dealing with that! I am sure she means well, but, in my opinion, perhaps she is going a bit far! LOL

I would just nicely explain to her what you said here. ..that you appreciate her and her willingness to help you, but that right now, you want to do what you feel you need to do.

90 in 90 is a suggestion. No one knows where it came from. It sure isn't in the book! no one should be coerced into AA, and no one should feel that way. Perhaps tell her you are feeling that way.

If she is working her program, she should have no problem with you saying so.

Oh, I am editing this to add: no you do NOT sound like an ungrateful brat! I like AA. It is working for me. But I don't like in your face AA people either. No one, especially newcomers (and I still am one!), should feel uncomfortable for any reason.

I would go to however many meetings you can comfortably fit in your schedule. I'm a big proponent of balance on life. Nobody in AA can't "make" you do anything.

I totally understand how you feel. I'm sure her heart IS in the right place, but I would feel the same way you do.

Maybe you could just tell her that you prefer to make your own plans about meetings, and that although you appreciate her keeping in touch with you, you already have plenty of phone numbers to call if you need support between meetings.

Hopefully she will take the hint and back off. If not, it's really her problem, not yours. As plenty of people around here will tell you, "90 meetings in 90 days" is NOT "working the program". I did it, I think it helped me, but there's nothing magic about it. If you get a sponsor you can work with, that's the best way to do it.

Good luck, don't let her clumsy attempts at "helping" throw you off track.

There are all sorts of ppl in AA.....just like on here......and just like in real life. Some ppl have massive separation anxiety and NEED to be around ppl and feel connected to ppl all the time whereas others need to be kinda left alone. It's a one helluva mixing pot. (there's a line in the BB that says something about this begin a group of people who would not ordinarily mix).

I don't think it's ok to treat someone like crap just because they're bugging you but that doesn't mean you should continue to take their crap... so... see if you can find a nice way to ask her to chill. I hear stuff like this on and off and it's not necessary for you to feel like you have to be a party to it.

lol@quick-fire replies...... 4 in 1 minute. LOL

Hey, we care.

She's asked a few times about meeting for coffee before the meetings, and I'm still getting used to going to meetings as it is. I feel bad hurting someone's feelings, but honestly, I hardly know her, and I don't really want to meet for coffee. She attends meetings every day, and I am sort of getting the feeling that AA is her life.

I like these women, but I kind of want to keep my personal and private life as separate as possible. If she called me at 3am and was scared of relapsing, OF COURSE I would help her as much as I can. I would talk to her for as long as she needed me to. But I don't want AA to be my whole life. Maybe I'm overly sensitive, but I can tell that she is part of a clique of women, and honestly, I don't want to be part of a clique. I don't want to feel like I'm in Mean Girls sitting with someone else at lunchtime if I'm sitting with someone else at a meeting.

Honestly, that's part of why I don't care for the women's meetings I've gone to. It all feels way too "sisterly" for me (and I never had a sister, so I'm not all that comfy with that kind of setting).

I go to the mixed meetings and hang out with and talk to everybody--the long-haired tattooed bikers, the women with office jobs, the tradesmen, the stay-at-home moms. It takes me a long time to cozy up to people, and I don't like being pushed to get more personal with people before I'm ready to.

My second meeting was a Bikers in Recovery meeting. It was my favorite meeting thus far. I think you are right on, LexieCat. It takes me a long time to get comfortable with strangers too, which is why it's been a LOT easier to post on this site than it was walking into an AA meeting in the first place.

Don't feel guilty. If you are staying away from a drink, then you are doing something right. You should take joy in that fact.

In your time of recovery, you will occasionally come across people who think that their way is the only way. They think that since it worked for them, it will work for others. There is no right way to recover. It sounds like this is what is happening and your new acquittance got snippy when you didn't take her advice.

She probably cares since she is taking such an active role with you, but probably doesn't know how to properly display it. Hence, she got snippy instead of praising you for staying away from the drink.

You don't have to do 90 in 90. The intention of it is really immerse newcomers into recovery since there is a much higher chance of relapse during those 3 months.

There is no one way to properly recovery from alcoholism. If you stayed away from a drink today, then you did something right and you should be proud of that.

it says in the big book that Recovery comes before cookies on page 35 Bill got caught cooking cookies then went straight to booze.

Boundaries are OK in AA. I want to feel I can share anything with my sponsor, but as for the other members, go with your own comfort level. Some people are more "open" than others, but I think that's a personality characteristic that is neither positive nor negative. Some of us are naturally more private than others.

Dang it, that sucks. Here you are doing something good for yourself and someones already bugging ya about it! Next time she calls, I'd say "wow you are so nice to be worried about me, but honestly I'm kina easing my way into this, and I'm not always sure until right before if I'll be able to make the meetings or not. I look forward to seeing you if I do go though" Start it with something nice, and end it with something nice, but get your point across. Congrats on AA though! Keep up the good work!

@ Julez - That is perfect. Thank you. That is exactly what I'm going to say.
@ Mcribb - That comment made my afternoon. I will watch my cookie baking and intake from now on.

There are all types in the program. I have been in for 12 years and I have had people push the boundaries. This woman sounds pushy, even if her intentions are good. I always tended to avoid anybody who pushed themselves on me or judged me. You do not "have" to do 90 in 90. In fact, I am doing my first one after 12 years of sobriety. I am half way. If you are attending regular meetings and not picking up the first drink, you are doing just fine. At some point, you might have to set a clear boundary with this person and stick with the woman who are supportive in a way that seems less intrusive.

Uh, yeah, me too! Women's meetings sort of weird me out.

Hi there.

I can relate to your post. I didn't want to ever feel 'pressured' to have to attend meetings. That is the problem that I often find. I guess it's an honour in many ways and many would jump at the chance... But I tend to go to new meetings and the first few I really enjoy as I don't really know anybody there so it's fresh and I don't feel 'pressured' into conforming to fit in with any clique. I then usually do really well at the meetings and get lots and lots of thanks for my shares and that I'm at a really good place in recovery, I then usually get asked to main share, Which is great apart from it gets a little cliquey and the feeling of being able to not be tied down to the meetings dissapears and I feel obliged to turn up and feel bad if I don't go.

It sort of spoils the whole thing for me and the beauty of it all dissapears and something else, more cliquey starts to form. I ain't in it for that as I like to feel that I'm my own man and I can choose to go to AA if I want to and not because others make me feel obliged to. I guess it's a positive situation really. AA is with me daily whether I choose to go to meetings or not. That's what helps keep me sober ona daily basis.

It was a real mind f*ck in early sobriety as I was made to feel like I was going to relapse if I stopped attending meetings very regularly. Many there expect me to have relapsed when i go back but it has often been passed down through the grapevine of my sober time as there are many of the same people at the new meetings I go to. It's a very close nit thing, very few young people in AA in UK. Certainly from what I've seen. I can understand why and it's a shame.

I can relate to you though. I guess some people are more needy than others.

Nice one on your sober time.

Get a sponsor, work the steps, get your spiritual awakening...along the way and afterwards these kind of nutjobs will avoid you like the plague;-)

I understand what Neo is saying, but there's just one problem with randomly popping in and out of various meetings. And that is not having a home group.

The most important thing about a home group, IMO, is that you take on service commitments there that help keep AA going for you and everybody else who needs the program.

I don't "love" everybody in my home groups. Some of them I find, frankly, somewhat obnoxious. But if they care enough to show up and put forth the effort to keep the group going, and to take on commitments like speaking at hospitals and institutions, and representing our group at the GSO, and even being greeters and coffee makers, then I need them.

Just something to think about--to help AA keep carrying the message.