LexieCat

I have a professional degree and license. I never lost a job or a relationship because of my drinking. Never got a DUI. Never went to jail. YET.

But I was dying inside, by inches. I was scared and desperate and sick and I COULDN'T STOP.

Nobody sets out to become an alcoholic, but some of us wind up there anyway. What's important is what we do about it.

What do you plan to do between now and Tuesday? Do you have a plan besides simply stopping? If you are able to stop, how do you plan to stay stopped?

Those are questions you need to be concentrating on for right now.

Dee74

The slide is very insidious, in my experience - but as I say, I found it's best to focus your energy on the now as much as you can.

See you tomorrow
D

ozgoddess

Hi ARB

Welcome to SR. You have already read this, but you really have found a great place to help you get sober.

Like you, I come from a long line of alcoholics. You can choose a better life for yourself. It is confronting and it is scary, but the moment you realise you are an alcoholic and want to do something about it is also like lifting a burden.

You can do this. Get some new dialogue in your head. "I will not drink today". One day at a time, some will say even one hour at a time or less.... whatever it takes to get you through.

Take care

LSNP

You sound like me, LexieCat. I don't have a plan. I don't have answers to questions I haven't yet asked. Any suggestions? :-(

LSNP

It's 8:41 a.m. and I do not have to work today and I am already thinking about alcohol. My Good Lord in Heaven....

Freeport

ARB,

We're glad you're here. You can do this. I and many dozens of other people here are proof that you can achieve sobriety. You're not the only one who feels alone with a struggle with alcohol, a struggle that you worry will consume you. I remember those moments, ARB, in the bathroom at o'dark-thirty staring at my pale face and bloodshot eyes and saying, "I'm going to be fighting this the rest of my life." I was right, but the battle is nowhere near as miserable as I imagined, once I broke the cycle of consuming poison. Ozgoddess summed it up, and it really is as simple as starting with one day. You need to commit yourself to not drinking today. Spend time commiserating on SR, talking with other people, occupying your mind with other events and activities.

I have children, too, and I quit drinking for them. But I stay sober for me. Trust me, after a few days, weeks, and months of sobriety, these words will become more clear. You can do this: Just don't drink today. Start there.

Buckley

Welcome ARB. Me too. I work for a Fortune 50 company, I own my own home, no debt aside from my mortgage. From the outside, I look very "functional". At work, I am very put together. At home and in my personal life, not so much.

I get it. At some point, drinking was something that I did for "fun", and at some point, which I can't pinpoint, a switch was flipped, and now it's something I "need". Sucks to admit, but it's the truth.

I am only on Day 5, but I feel great. Hopeful. I get to work in the morning, check my email and voicemail, take care of business, and log onto this site. I also just started attending AA, which was a very scary thing for me to do, but it's helped tremendously. You think you are alone, that no one thinks and feels like you do, and it's liberating and a HUGE weight off your shoulders when you realize that it truly IS a disease. And it's only going to get worse until you admit it to yourself.

I'm here for you. Keep posting. Get it out.

**HUGS**

julez

ARB I don't know where you're located, but maybe you can get outside and do something today. Its beautiful today where I live, and the fresh air always refreshed me, and makes me feel optimistic about the future. Also, how old are your kids? Are they old enough to be left alone for a bit? In my early early sobriety, I felt anxious and cranky and edgy. Many people on this site say they felt great doing things with their family, but for me, I needed to be alone with my thoughts, and didn't want to be crabby with the people who didnt deserve it, so I spent time alone reading, or just thinking, and it helped a lot. One hour at a time is how I had to think. You can do this, I swear!!

stephnc

Hang in there, ARB. Work holidays can be very stressful when you're trying to stop drinking. I think there's a sticky thread at the top of this forum about 'things to do' - just some ideas for how to spend your time when you're newly sober. And don't feel bad about the fact that you're 'already thinking about drinking' so early...hell, I used to sweat it out in the hours and minutes before 7am when the stores started selling beer around here. Thank god I'm not a slave to that demon any more. (For the most part.)

You might also want to check out the 'chat' feature on this site. It doesn't look like anyone is in there at the moment but there frequently are several people you can enjoy a live conversation with in the chatroom...and definitely keep posting about what you're going through. This site is a wonderful support - and even lots of fun at times!

Take care,

Stephanie

LexieCat

OK, do this. Get out the phone book (or do a google search) for AA in your area. Ask where there is a meeting. Go to the meeting.

Honest, you will be surprised how good it feels to be around other people who "get it". People make walking into a meeting this huge deal in their heads, but it is really very simple.

Please take a few minutes to read this article about going to your first AA meeting. You don't need to wait until you've had your last drink to go.

There is hope--lots of us have found it.

LSNP

I wish I had stayed logged in for the replies... the computer locked up, believe it or not, and I wandered upstairs and had "just one."

I've now had four or five White Russians and two "regular" drinks.... and it isn't even one o'clock. Simply cannot believe I am at this point. It only started a few months ago.

Can I stay sober tomorrow? Can I???????

I have a possible date tonight and won't go because I will already be tired from the daytime drinking.

Kids coming home in a few hours and I will struggle to act normal.

Finally took a shower.

WTF???? I know I sound like a broken record but I am doing exactly what my mother did.... and I NEVER had a problem before. NEVER. I wouldn't have DREAMED of drinking before evening. NEVER.

I'm having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I am doing what I am doing.

Drinking now feels "normal," whatever the heck that is.....

LSNP

AA.... Seriously? I have been in AA my entire life... AS THE CODEPENDENT! I have never had a drinking problem... everybody else did. And I was there to help THEM! AA? I own a Big Book from the past. I was a "concerned person" with my boyfriend, my sister, my brother-in-law........ I have never had a problem.

Jesus. I know I keep asking this.... but how in the F^%& did this happen to me?

I am angry.
I am filled with resentment.
I am filled with remorse and shame and fear.

SUCKS.

Hevyn

Arb, that was me too. I have a dust covered big book that I got for my alcoholic husband, long ago. I didn't see what drinking over the years was doing to ME. If you've been in AA you know the term "progressive disease". I started out drinking socially on weekends & it was always fun & something I could take or leave. That was 30 yrs. ago. I didn't pay attention to the warning signs (like you are) and just kept going. In the end I was drinking 24/7, miserable and sick - a slave to it.

You never have to reach that point - you are taking action. Things can begin to get better as soon as you lay it down for good. We are with you on the journey.

Impurrfect

(((ARB)) - My DOC was crack, but I know the feelings of "how the f did I GET here?".

We get "here" because we're addicts/alcoholics. At some point, as ((Dee)) said, it's like a switch is flipped and we can't go back to when it was easier to quit.

Accepting I was an addict and couldn't do "just one more time" was hard, and yes, I was angry. I was able to get through that, thanks to the great people here.

Just because you've been around alcoholics, you're whole life, doesn't mean you "get" that you are one. I was an RN, terrified of crack as I'd seen what it did to people. That didn't stop me from trying it and getting totally hooked on it.

I agree with the others. It really does no good to focus on "how did I get here", but we've all done it. Try to focus on "okay, I'm here, NOW what do I do?"

BTW, I'm a codie (codependent), too, and have had to work hard on THAT to keep my recovery. Nothing would make me want to use, more, than a "crisis" that I thought I could/should fix. Again, SR peeps have helped me, tremendously.

You can do this, sweetie. YOU deserve it!!

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LSNP

I hope so. I am now pretty much drinking when I am not sleeping or working.... thank God I have not yet drank at lunch or brought booze to work.

One day. One day? What scares me to death is that I smoke.... and drinking is beginning to feel like needing that next cigarette. That scares the holy crap out of me.

mariellen

Don't do it ! Get out and do something go for a walk, go for a coffee , you need to keep busy , repeat " I will not drink today" over and over, you can do this ! You have already begun and reached out by coming here, we are all here for you , hugs

Impurrfect

(((ARB))) - for me, I couldn't handle thinking of a whole day. I tried to break it down into hours, but there were days I prayed "just let me not use for the next 5 minutes" and after those 5 minutes were up, I did the same thing.

I also had to pray to be "willing to be willing" because, at first, I didn't really want to stop, I just knew I had to. When the thoughts would come up, I'd tell myself "not an option..next?" with "next" being a cue to distract myself. Had to do THAT a million times, too, but it worked and it soon became automatic.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

LexieCat

I've been "around" AA for 30 years--which is when my ex-husband got sober (and he's STILL sober, 30 years later). Second husband also alcoholic--I went to meetings with him, too, as well as Al-Anon. He went back to drinking, I left him, and that's when my OWN drinking career was really launched.

I always thought AA was great--for other people. It didn't apply to me, because I was the one who helped other people. I couldn't be an alcoholic--no way, Jose.

Guess what, though. The universe has a sense of humor. And after fighting--consciously FIGHTING--the idea of needing AA, for four and a half years, I finally dragged my sorry butt through the door.

I still fought the idea of needing to work the steps for quite awhile, but after being sober for two years without doing it, I'm done with that fight, too. I need them to be a whole and healthy human being.

It doesn't matter how ticked off you are that you're not able to quit drinking, it only matters that you're not able to. Push aside the "it's not fair". Nobody said it was.

Start where you are.

ozgoddess

Hi ARB,

I hope you have made it through. I remember the early days too. It is all new and because you feel like you are losing a friend it becomes a massive focus.

Try to think that this friend you are losing was a backstabbing, nuisance who caused you nothing but problems. Yell at them if you need to. Tell them you don't want them in your life anymore and you are a better person without them.

Sounds silly I know but putting a handle on it makes it easier to carry

Also, get yourself busy. Clean your house, read a book, go for a walk, do something with your family.... anything to take your mind off things. I find the early days a good time to bring out some hobbies that I no longer cared about. I have now made 4 scarfs and woolen caps for family and friends who are very appreciative...hehe

Keep posting and please go to doctor if the withdrawals get too much.

artsoul

Hi ARB - One of the hardest things for us as "functioning" alcoholics is admitting we're powerless. We look at our lives and they don't seem that bad; we haven't lost our health, our jobs or our homes, so what will it hurt to spend another day drinking? That's the way it was for me.

Finally, though, I had to ask myself how much further I was willing to go before I quit (if not NOW, WHEN?). I knew my drinking had progressed and would continue to progress unless I stopped. When I came to SR I really didn't know if it would help. I had pretty much given up hope I'd be able to control myself.
But the more I read and posted, and stayed sober another hour, another day, I got stronger and started to feel like my old self again. Just because we get cravings doesn't mean we have to act on them.

I hope you'll stick around - you may find that posting here is a turning point for you. If we can do it, you can too!