Your significant other
 

So, I have been sober for over 3 weeks now and admit to all of the lies and issues with alcohol. How I hid it, felt like I had to drink, constant lies, out of control, etc. I've finally been able to just accept that I was in denial and for whatever reason, always thought I was trying to be 'controlled'. I would always be defensive, etc, etc.

However, 3 weeks in, there are still those times when my wife, after spending the day thinking, is angry again with me. Her mind does race and given enough time, she can think of instances in the past where I have deceived her.

Other than agreeing over and over again that, yes, I was a POS, is there a way to acknowledge how she is feeling and explain that everything I am trying to change is because that wasn't necessarily me and I was out of control?

PS: I love this message board

Sit back and take your deserved beatings would be my advice. Further recommendation is go out of your way to do nice things for her/things around the house she normally does. You will keep her mind the things you are doing (good currently) instead of the things you did prior.

It might work, no guarantees ha

So if you came clean to her and it was really a surprise... Then she is probably just assimilating all that you admitted to and working through the ramifications of being married to someone who is addicted to alcohol... That's gonna take longer than three weeks I am afraid.

Your gonna have to give it time my friend... She has to work her part of this out for herself... You can't really be much help... And how she feels about it is not up to you.

Relax. Work on staying sober and getting recovered. Give her space so she can recover too... Once she begins to trust you again and sees positive change, one hopes anyway, things will get back on track.

Easy does it... :)

Mark

I don't know the path of recovery you're taking, but you and your wife might both benefit from reading about alcoholism. The AA Big Book comes to mind. I've also seen a lot of people here on SR recommend Under the Influence. I'm not saying reading will cure her anger at you, but she might better understand why you acted as you did. Sometimes understanding is part of the puzzle you have to put together to let your anger go.

Besides that, it's not mentally healthy or healing for her to sit around all day re-hashing old hurts and wrongs. It just keeps the wounds open and festering. She may be looking for a way to move on without even knowing it. (And I could be totally wrong)

As for you, perhaps you could do your best to show you're making a change. (Not that you're not already doing it.) Do the things you didn't feel like doing for her when you were drunk. Don't argue with her when she's angry. Anger is a luxury you can't afford so early in your recovery.

And I hope something in there helps.

I don't know if this will help or not, but thought I'd throw in my perspective as a female. I think one thing that is always helpful is to let her know she's being heard. Mainly that involves listening. We often just have to talk it out (and if something bothers us greatly, maybe more than once) and then we can begin to let it go.

We're all about relationships and feelings, and the best thing in the world is being able to talk about what we're feeling with our mate. It's the way we process it and so try not to take it TOO personally. When we talk about it calmly, it's really an attempt to connect. Of course, if there's alot of animation (yelling, giving that look, cold silence, etc.), that's another message.:skillet

Good luck!

Stay focused on your recovery/ changing you and remember these four words, "Yes dear, you're right".

I agree with all the comments above... and I think you need to let this take time.

You can't just expect her to adjust instantly.

She's known you as an active alcoholic for a long time, and she has come to expect a certain type of behavior from you. And a lot of this, I think is even subconscious. Until she has been with the sober you for long enough to rewrite her expectations of you, you can expect her to think of you and treat you as your active drinking self.

I don't think her behavior is abnormal, or even unhealthy. Of course you want her to see as clearly as you do that you've changed. That would really make you feel better about how badly you acted before. It would be a kind of absolution.

How about this: For the time it takes for her to adjust to the new you, use her attitude about you as a reminder that you don't want to go there again. Any time she thinks you might be lying, just remember "yeah, I was a liar, and I don't want to be anymore. That's why I don't want to drink".

Because trust me, you're gonna need reminders. Especially after you've been sober for a while. You will start to forget how bad it was and how bad you were. And danger lies there. Anything that helps you remember is a good thing.

Take your lumps, as was said before. And don't think less of her for giving you the lumps. She endured some pretty bad stuff for a long time.

But at the same time, it would really help for her to go to alanon or something. It would help her get her mind around the whole process, and understand a little better what you're dealing with.

-Goat

You've gotten some really good advice here abnheel.

Remember the hell you went through? She went through it too - and she may not even understand why.

3 weeks is a pretty finite period, abn. It takes time to regain and rebuild trust.

Not to scare you, but it took a good year for one of my exes to trust me again - and that was the one who forgave me.

I hope your relationship was more stable and it will be far quicker a process - but the point is we may not get to set the timer on how long all that may take.

Communicate as fully, honestly and openly as you can - but more than that - *show* her you're a changed man by what you do.

You'll get there :)


D

Good luck.

abnheel,

If your wife is willing to look into Al-Anon, it will help her a lot. It isn't about you and what you did, or are doing now, it's about how she feels about it all.

Don't let her feelings derail you. I was married to two alcoholics, and it's no picnic. It does take time to adjust to sobriety. In her case, there's the added adjustment of apparently being unaware exactly how big a problem it was for you. So she's probably also second-guessing herself, wondering how she could not have known, etc. It's all part of the process. Alcoholism affects everyone it touches, including family and friends.

Congrats on your sober time, and keep going!

I was sober for a year and recently feel off the wagon.

My wife is pissed and we've been fighting a lot. Every time we do she still brings up things that happened 2 or 3 years ago.

You can't win. The pain of your drinking and your actions goes too deep I guess.

Hopefully, she will forgive eventually.

Bunge

1 Corinthians 13:5 "[Love] is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.

I've lost more than one relationship over alcohol...first time it was my ex with the problem and not me, and he actually got physically abusive. Second time it was pretty much my fault...and I know it...it's just like I stopped caring about everything.

I can't emphasis enough on what others have said about giving her time and space. She does need to work this out on her own and maybe go to Al-anon. You need to focus on your sobriety and not being deceptive anymore.

I lost a girlfriend over lying about my drinking. I made up stupid lies in order to protect my drinking. She didn't like me drinking, but she hated the lies I would tell in order to drink. It eroded trust in our relationship.

When I got sober, I apologized to her (once again), but she remained skeptical. I became frustrated that she wouldn't instantaneous trust me again. As the self-seeking, instant gratification person that I was, I demanded her to forgive me and trust me on the spot.

It was the worst thing I could have done. It exacerbated our problems and we eventually broke-up

Antiderivative...I can relate :grouphug:

abn, this is a tough situation, which, I believe many alcoholics face. I do think your spouse needs to vent or explain how she feels, as long as it is not constant... the reason I say not constant is because you need to work on recovery.

I believe, many in recovery who get angry, upset, stressed out, etc. increase the odds to reach for that first drink. A few have mentioned Alon, this maybe a place for her to discuss her feeling with others who have been through a similar situation. However she would need to be open to it.

In my house, I have listen to my hubby about how he felt when I was drinking etc. I have admitted that it was out of control. I explained to him that I need to work on my recovery and that means I need to reduce stress and the feelings of being messed up, and worthless. I said to him, I understand that you haven't felt that I was the perfect wife for a period of time (while I was drinking), but I am taking the steps to rectify it... that being working hard each day on my recovery. He did understand... and now we only talk about it if I want to... whether this is right or wrong... if I want to recover I have to think about me. Don't get me wrong his feelings and thoughts are real and important... and I do feel back about what I did, but he also has to know that I am going through a difficult transition.

Please take care and I hope it work out great for the both of you... keep us posted.

I've talked about my dysfunctional bf situation on the boards and I don't think that relationship is relevant to this thread, but I did want to share something about my ex-husband, who remains a good friend and has been very supportive in my battle with alcoholism. (And who has, at least once, brought me back to my house after driving over to his house in a pill/alcohol blackout.)

Anyways, I recently passed the 90 day mark, so like many of my AA friends on Facebook I wrote "Three months" as my status that day. Lots of friends posted comments congratulating me...and my ex, who is not an alcoholic, wrote "It better be forever! Congratulations" on my wall. It gave me a good laugh, but it also served as a great reminder that I'll be in deep sh!t if I ever do pick up a drink again. Which is not a bad thing to remember.

I remember that I desperately wanted my family (husband & kids) to understand what had happened to me. It was so important to me that they hear me. But, they didn't want to. They wanted me to get better, but didn't want any discussions. And, of course, I had to honour that. It's very hard for others to understand what we are going through, so be patient and focus on your recovery.

I'm so very grateful for my ex, who has been tremendously supportive in my recovery. I come from a small family, so no one in my immediate family knows. My dad is 81 and lives across the country, my brother lives far away and we seldom talk, so neither of them ever were around the "drinking me," and I've had no reason to share my recovery with them.

My ex, who is 30 years sober, and is the dad of my kids, was the example I kept thinking of when I was struggling with the idea of quitting drinking and going to AA. He suspected, but didn't know the extent of, my drinking, as most of our communication was by email and phone and we had always remained friendly. For Christmas last year he gave me a beautiful handmade leather Big Book cover personalized with my name and sobriety date, and on my anniversary last week he sent me a lovely card with one of his nature photographs and he wrote me a beautiful message of support. He has many times expressed gratitude for my support of him when he got sober.

I think Al-Anon helped me a lot when he, and a second alcoholic in my life, got sober. It taught me to keep the focus on myself and let them work their own program.