Introduction- early alcoholism?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 861
Introduction- early alcoholism?
Hi, I am new here.
It has been helpful reading posts here. I thought I would try to post an intro. It's hard to write anything.
I am 39, female. I was an occasional binge drinker as a teen, and I stopped drinking as a teen because I was blacking out. Seemed unsafe. And my mom started to try to cut back her own drinking at that time which I think had a lot to do with me stopping so early.
I have mostly not drank as an adult. But I started drinking again a month ago. Now it is hard to stop. I still don't drink everyday. But I think about alcohol almost constantly.
Today I think I have stopped again. But I don't know if that decision will stick. I've stopped a few times in the past month (and during my life).
My counselor is worried for me. A few friends are worried. I am hiding it from my partner- which is so different from what I would usually do. I have never hidden anything from him.
I am amazed at how much of a problem it is even though I have drank so little. Both my parents drank a a lot. And I experienced lots of trauma as a child. So I assume I just have a strong predisposition to alcoholism.
I cannot stop thinking, "Maybe I can keep drinking. Maybe just a little. Maybe it's not a problem. I really want it." And of course I also know it is a bad idea and destructive.
When I stop for a while, this emotional pain comes up. I assume the drinking is a way of not feeling pain. Yet- of course- drinking is causing so much pain.
I know it's likely going to get worse- if I keep drinking. And it's already bad. I cannot focus on my job, my partner, etc. Alcohol is a huge focus in my life right now.
I have been to some AA meetings. I enjoyed some of the meetings that I went to. I am hopeful about that. I don't like the God or higher power references, but I do like the spirituality emphasis. My own beliefs are close to a blend of Pagan and Buddhist beliefs. I do plan to go to AA. I think I can find people in AA who support my spirituality. I know I need support.
Thanks for reading. It helped to write what has been going on in my head.
I hope it gets better before it gets worse.
It has been helpful reading posts here. I thought I would try to post an intro. It's hard to write anything.
I am 39, female. I was an occasional binge drinker as a teen, and I stopped drinking as a teen because I was blacking out. Seemed unsafe. And my mom started to try to cut back her own drinking at that time which I think had a lot to do with me stopping so early.
I have mostly not drank as an adult. But I started drinking again a month ago. Now it is hard to stop. I still don't drink everyday. But I think about alcohol almost constantly.
Today I think I have stopped again. But I don't know if that decision will stick. I've stopped a few times in the past month (and during my life).
My counselor is worried for me. A few friends are worried. I am hiding it from my partner- which is so different from what I would usually do. I have never hidden anything from him.
I am amazed at how much of a problem it is even though I have drank so little. Both my parents drank a a lot. And I experienced lots of trauma as a child. So I assume I just have a strong predisposition to alcoholism.
I cannot stop thinking, "Maybe I can keep drinking. Maybe just a little. Maybe it's not a problem. I really want it." And of course I also know it is a bad idea and destructive.
When I stop for a while, this emotional pain comes up. I assume the drinking is a way of not feeling pain. Yet- of course- drinking is causing so much pain.
I know it's likely going to get worse- if I keep drinking. And it's already bad. I cannot focus on my job, my partner, etc. Alcohol is a huge focus in my life right now.
I have been to some AA meetings. I enjoyed some of the meetings that I went to. I am hopeful about that. I don't like the God or higher power references, but I do like the spirituality emphasis. My own beliefs are close to a blend of Pagan and Buddhist beliefs. I do plan to go to AA. I think I can find people in AA who support my spirituality. I know I need support.
Thanks for reading. It helped to write what has been going on in my head.
I hope it gets better before it gets worse.
Grateful Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: MI
Posts: 1,080
Oak, welcome to SR. I'm sorry you are having a rough time of it! I'm glad that you've spent some time on here reading. In my first weeks, its what has helped me the most. I used my time on here to find the similarities between myself and other people who have a problem with drinking. Honestly I wasn't sure if I had a problem or not, until I related so many things people were posting about to experiences and feelings that I was having. I think you'll find the people here to be wonderful and supportive.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,776
Welcome to SR!
It's not how much we drink, or what, or how often - it's what happens to us when we drink. If alcohol is causing problems in your life it's best to give it up entirely. I tried to moderate my drinking for about two years until I finally gave in to the fact that I cannot drink at all. When I finally came to accept that simple fact it was easier to stay sober and not constantly relapse. I now have almost nine months so if I can do it, anyone can! I agree that you can find a lot of help and support at meetings.
It's not how much we drink, or what, or how often - it's what happens to us when we drink. If alcohol is causing problems in your life it's best to give it up entirely. I tried to moderate my drinking for about two years until I finally gave in to the fact that I cannot drink at all. When I finally came to accept that simple fact it was easier to stay sober and not constantly relapse. I now have almost nine months so if I can do it, anyone can! I agree that you can find a lot of help and support at meetings. 
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
Oak: Stick with AA if you feel comfortable with it. Look around for a group which you find congenial and see if you can get a sponsor with whom you feel the same way. People sometimes have trouble with what AA folks call the "God Stuff" and I've addressed that in my home page which you can find by clicking on my avatar and name in the left hand margin of this message. My overall view is that it's best, if you can, to stick with AA since they have a large variety of groups, particularly in cities and, overall, have a pretty good track record. I'm also very doubtful about folks who try to go it alone without help since I was never able to and it took me forty years to find that out. Good luck to you. Sounds like you're in a place I was more than sixty years ago and I only wish that, back then I'd done what you're talking about doing!
W.
W.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 3,413
Good for you Oak, you are making the right step... the early you catch it, I think it "may" be easier to quit. You will do great... keep focused on your recovery and hang out here, you will find support, friends, and inspiration.
Congrats on your decision Oak!
Congrats on your decision Oak!
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Glad to see a new member.....Welcome....
Yes....problems with jobs and partners are often
red flags......good to know of your pro active AA plan.
All my best to you and your partner
Yes....problems with jobs and partners are often
red flags......good to know of your pro active AA plan.
All my best to you and your partner
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Hi,
I had a similar background--lots of crazy drinking as a kid, very little for years and years, and then whammo. I wound up drinking on a daily basis for ten years, so you are smart to recognize where you are headed at this point.
I've been sober in AA for two years, and I know plenty of people in AA with nontraditional ideas of God or a Higher Power. I lean toward Buddhism, myself, and one of my favorite recovery writers (Kevin Griffin, author of One Breath at a Time), uses the Dharma as his Higher Power. You don't have to believe in a deity--just the idea that there is a power(s) greater than ourselves. Get the ego out of the way of becoming who we are intended to be. That shouldn't be a stretch for you.
Glad to have you here with us.
I had a similar background--lots of crazy drinking as a kid, very little for years and years, and then whammo. I wound up drinking on a daily basis for ten years, so you are smart to recognize where you are headed at this point.
I've been sober in AA for two years, and I know plenty of people in AA with nontraditional ideas of God or a Higher Power. I lean toward Buddhism, myself, and one of my favorite recovery writers (Kevin Griffin, author of One Breath at a Time), uses the Dharma as his Higher Power. You don't have to believe in a deity--just the idea that there is a power(s) greater than ourselves. Get the ego out of the way of becoming who we are intended to be. That shouldn't be a stretch for you.
Glad to have you here with us.
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Welcome - glad you're here, Oak. I can really relate to the obsession for a drink. Even when I was successful in controlling it (which never lasted very long), the obsession was always there. When/where/how can I get my next drink? How much could I drink without appearing drunk? How could I get rid of the empties? What could I do to get over the hangover? So many issues to deal with..........
I was hiding my drinking, too. I knew I had a problem - I just couldn't stop on my own. We all need support to do this.
Remember to take it one day at a time. You're smart to address your problem now because, as everyone knows, it only gets worse if we continue to drink.
Hope to see you around the forum!
I was hiding my drinking, too. I knew I had a problem - I just couldn't stop on my own. We all need support to do this.Remember to take it one day at a time. You're smart to address your problem now because, as everyone knows, it only gets worse if we continue to drink.
Hope to see you around the forum!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,497
Welcome, and you are very lucky to be aware of this disease before it gets worse. And, it always does get worse unless you stop. I can so relate to the obsessive thoughts that you talk about. I analyzed and planned and plotted all day long, and it was such a relief to finally just stop.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Chantilly, VA
Posts: 216
Hi Oak!
IMO, Absolute bottom line if you are _honest_ with yourself. If you "think" you have a problem, then you definitely have a problem... Best to man up and do your best with it as early as possible. Again, just my 2 cents... Best of luck!
..Mike
IMO, Absolute bottom line if you are _honest_ with yourself. If you "think" you have a problem, then you definitely have a problem... Best to man up and do your best with it as early as possible. Again, just my 2 cents... Best of luck!
..Mike
Member
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Arkansas
Posts: 11
New here as well...got kicked out of a friend's house and feel like I am fighting a losing battle. It's like everyone I thought I could trust has just gone out of my life...I need to stop this cycle but I'm out of ideas.
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