Feeling Shame
 

Saturday afternoon was the turning point in the relationship with my 20 year old son.
We have been dealing with his addiction to drugs for the past 4 years.
Intravenous use of Cocaine and Heroin are the drugs of choice.
He has stolen money from me, his mother and his sisters. A couple of thousand dollars in both cash and items that he pawned.
We forgave him over and over again.
We were willing to somehow cover the expense of treatment that we could not afford. He never got any further than an assessment interview.
We stuck ourselves out further based on his promises.
Cosigned for a auto loan. He license was quickly suspended.
Let him live at home for free. I got him a job at my place of employment.
His drug use never stopped. A bottle of pain pills turned up missing from work.
Hand tools began to disappear. I would see the paper towels in the restroom trash can with the little dots of blood on them.
Within this past week at our home, his sister's Ipod was stolen and $100 dollars was stolen from my wife's purse.
He denied it all.
Then yesterday I noticed that my pistol was missing.
At first he denied it...After a few minutes of me not letting up...he admitted he had stolen my gun and traded it to his dealer for drugs.
That was the "It" moment for my wife and I.
We cannot his this type of person around our home and our other children
We gave him a couple of suitcases so that he could pack his clothing.
He packed up and called his girlfriend to come and get him.
He can only return to our home to pick up the remainder of his clothing.
I must be here and I will have the clothing already packed in bags of some type.
He cannot live here any longer.
He can no longer work at my place of employment. He is a liability.

I am struggling with the "day after" this morning.
I do not know anyone else that is dealing with this type of situation.
I never thought that I would need to force a child of mine to leave.
We have tried to help...over and over again.
I feel like such a complete failure.
The desire that I have to go and pick him up...to try one more time is killing me.
I know he is going to steal and not get help or lie about it.
I have to stay strong and not give in.
The hard part is looking at the photos that I have strewn over my desk and remembering the person that he once was.
Now...He is a junkie with needle scars that run the length of his arms.
He is a liar and a thief.

Thanks for Listening.

Hi there,

As an alcoholic, I was never able to quit for my wife, for our daughter, or for financial reasons...I was only able to stop when I wanted to from the depths of my core, for myself.

There will be other people along shortly (although its a bit slow here on SR during the weekends) who will be better able to help you than I can. For now, here's the forum for friends and families of substance abusers.

Friends and Family of Substance Abusers - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

Congratulations in reaching out...you are far from being alone in this!

Murray

Oh, man.

I SOOOO feel for you. The gun thing would have been the last straw for me, too.

I suggest you have all your locks changed immediately.

You have done the right thing, believe me. You aren't a failure. All kinds of good people wind up being addicts or have addiction in their families. Once the drugs take over, only the addict himself can do anything about it.

I STRONGLY urge you and your wife to seek out Nar-Anon, for families and friends of addicts. There's also a terrific forum here for you under "family and friends".

Picking your son back up and giving him "another chance" at this point would accomplish absolutely nothing, except give him the opportunity to continue to victimize you. When and if he manifests a sincere desire for help, you can revisit the idea of a treatment center, but you cannot let an active addict take over your home--especially when you have other kids in the house.

Hugs, dad--you are doing the right thing.

Thanks for the direction to the friends and family section of the forum.
I will be sure to go there this morning and start reading.
Lexie, Thanks for the advice on not letting an active addict take over my home.
That is On Point and I had never acknowledged it.
Our family dynamic had changed to accommodate him and his lifestyle.
No More.
We will move on as a family.
Thank you.
Eric

Eric that was heart wrenching. My heart goes out to you and your family. Unconditional love does not mean unrestricted behavior. You have other kids to protect.

I support what is written above as far as getting support from anon or other family of user groups. Visit the thread Murray posted to find support.

This is not your fault. I know you will hear / read this a lot, and I know it won't make you feel better. I need to stress how how many parents go through what you are going through. I write that NOT to diminish your situation at all, just to let you know you are not alone.

Your son needs to want to get better. You can not make him.

Good luck and keep us posted.

I would VERY strongly suggest reporting the pistol stolen to the PD, you are liable for it if it is used in the commission of a crime. Not sure how you are going to tell them it was stolen, thats your decision, but as a responsible gun owner you NEED to do it.

I was considering that suggestion, myself, but I never recommend lying to the police--THAT is GUARANTEED to jam you up.

My own thought would be to consult a lawyer as to your legal obligation to report the theft of the gun. State laws vary. Theft of a firearm can result in a prison sentence (for the thief) in some places, so it's best to make a decision like that with legal advice. Anything discussed in an attorney-client setting is confidential.

Certainly Eric has every RIGHT to report the gun stolen, but he might want to consider all of the ramifications for himself and his son before deciding whether to make a report.

He actually has a legal obligation to report the gun stolen in most states. The ramifications of reporting it will be much less than the liabilities incurred should the gun be used in the commission of a crime (both criminal and civil suites can arise). I congratulate him for having the courage to do what was necessary with his son. I wish him the best and hope his son can see the light at the end of the tunnel before he meets the train. However, I still feel that he still has further responsibility to society.

Eric, I am so sorry for the situation that you are facing. Its hard as parents to not feel like a failure when our kids act in ways that we are not proud of. You did the right thing, guaranteed, and I also want to tell you that you are NOT a failure. Your son is a person with his own mind, who will make decisions for himself. This has nothing to do with how he was raised or what he was taught. Hang in there and be strong for the rest of your family. Get some books on the subject, and surround yourself with support, these forums included. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Never talk to the police. Have your lawyer report it if it is required in your state by law. If you can afford it have your lawyer present for all communication with the police by you or your family. The truth is you do not know how it was stolen. Someone told you they stole it, that is a long way from knowing.

Just as I would never recommend LYING to the police, I would never tell someone to "never talk to the police".

There are a host of legal and personal considerations here. I don't think any of us is qualified to advise someone else what to do in this situation. Reporting the gun stolen won't get it off the street. So that part is over. What happens from here out is a personal decision, best made with all of the relevant information. Which is what legal advice gets you.

Actually that is the advice from my attorney, and my brother in-law who is a cop, but I can see your point Lexie. I'll keep quiet.

Eric, My heart goes out to you. I was that person - who would have stolen just to be able to keep drinking. I loved my family and never meant to disrespect them or cause them pain.

The main thing is that you stop feeling alone with this. You are not a failure - you did what any loving parent would do - you tried to help. (Ok, it's called enabling - but you weren't aware of that at the time.) Have you ever seen the show Intervention? There is some great advice given there - and you will see so many people just like you.

There is hope for your son - he can get well and have a normal life - all the terrible things can be in the past & you can all heal. I hope the Friends & Family forum will help you feel more comfortable with what you are facing. Please let us know how you are doing.

If it helps.

My family closed the door on me.......a couple of years before i stopped drinking.
They were told if they wanted to help me...stop enabling me.
My mother did it but aged twenty years over night.

i think it was the most loving and caring thing my family ever done for me.....they put aside there own pain to help me crash and burn.

today i love my mother for the sacrifice she made for me.......she let me go.
even when every ounce of her being, wanted to mother me.

plus she now get to look 20 years younger than me.....lol.

I can't even imagine what you are dealing with. You, your family and your son are in my thoughts and prayers.
I think you did the right thing.

No parent should have to go thru the things you have. I truely believe you did exactly what you needed to do to protect yourself and your family. I hope and pray that you realize, your son's addiction has nothing to do with you. That's on him. God Bless

Hi Outonbail

I'm so sorry for your situation.
I know you'll find a lot of support here - I hope you'll visit our FF forums too.

D

Gang,

although we have no specific rules about it, I think legal advice is a lot like medical advice - best obtained through professionals and not the interwebz.

D