firestorm090

It's Saturday night and a girl I used to drink with alot just called my cell. I know what she wants, she's at the bar and is looking for a drinking buddy. In the past, whenever she called, I went, and tonight I feel like going too. That's where feeling like a fraud comes in. I come here to SR and try to encourage others, yet the truth is, for tonight, I want to slip out to the bar and just get smashed. After all the pain my drinking has caused, you would think that would be the furthest thought from my mind, yet one phone call and I'm in a tizzy. It's not receiving the call that bothers me as much as my thinking. I know if I went that tomorrow I'd be here cryin' the blues, so why is it that I can't seem to get it into my head that one drink is all it takes to set me off on the roller coaster for another round of misery? My mind is a sneaky place, and it lies to me daily. Sometimes, I wish I could just yank my brain out and give it a good scrubbing.

I feel pathetic when I try to fight this. I feel weak, exhausted and just plain sick of thinking about booze. It's like I have a one track mind, when I get up I think of booze, when I watch a funny movie, I think of booze, even a pizza will bring on the thoughts of just having a couple. I can even be sitting in an AA meeting and I'll have thoughts like, "as soon as this meetings over, I'm gonna stop and grab a couple drinks, hey, they'll never know if I don't tell". Just plain insanity. Then I think of the vicadins my dentist gave me a couple weeks ago that I didn't take, and I think, hey a couple of those will take the edge off. Why do I always have to be on edge? Why can't I just relax and be happy sober? I've been sitting around till I go to meetings, then scoot out as soon as possible, then come home and turn on the computer and sit here and read recovery stories, come to SR and post, watch tv, eat like a pig, drink tons of water, soda, coffee, and yet I can't seem to stop thinking about booze even when posting here on SR. Why can't I just be happy being alive, I don't understand this. It's driving me bonkers and yet I can't seem to stop my mind from obsessing. I obsess about everything, constantly wondering if I slighted someone, the work I need to do, problems I need to work through, and literature I have regarding recovery from booze. I drive people nuts with my constant inquiries, my constant analysis, and even tho I know some think I need to just listen, I am constantly talking about recovery, yet it feels phony to me. The tapes in my head are relentless, and every time I look in the mirror, I see the wear and tear from a lifetime of boozing, (although I was called cute just last week, lol) and I still think that a drink won't hurt me. I read my old posts here, and see a struggle of immense proportions, yet I'm still fighting recovery while at the same time trying to surrender and stop fighting. Those who think I may not be done may be right, but I want to be done, I want to stop screwing up my life, I want to be at peace, yet today I'm still just another troubled soul. Maybe tomorrow I'll feel different, but for tonight, I feel all mixed up and didn't plan on writing about all this, it just came out of me. At least I didn't drink today!

What would we do without spellchecker, lol.

Thanks if you read all this.

LaFemme

Hi! First I read all of that! I know I say this a lot but you should try meditation...to the best off my knowledge it is the only way to get control of your thoughts And get your thoughts to be peaceful. Hang in there...you can do this!

topspin

Fierstorm,

Sorry to hear about the obsession.

I used to avoid looking in the mirror for just the same reasons. All the wear and tear reflected back !

Still in early sobriety here, (4 1/2 months ) but starting to see some positive physical changes. Overhauling all the junk i was polluting my body with; right along with the booze, seemed like the next "right thing" to do.

I hope you'll try something different; ....maybe radical even, to break out !

You can do this, ....too

.

Ghostly

Hey fire. You are not a fraud. A lot of us think about drinking. I read some on this site about the difference between recovery and staying sober. Although I am not in a program like AA, I consider myself in Recovery because I am doing more than forcing myself to not drink every day. I am making life changes. If I feel myself leaning towards drinking I will def consider AA.

I'm kinda ranting on your thread...my point is, it seems like you could use a Recovery program of some sort. Are you just forcing yourself not to drink through will power? Consider some face to face support if you haven't. Either way, take a breath, don't be so hard on yourself. You know what is right for you. You know what is best for you. You have to find a way to stay there. Just my opinion.

firestorm090

After rereading what I wrote, I saw self-pity coming out in certain ways. Self-pity for not being able to join the lady who called me, missing the old times of just getting polluted and acting a fool, and not having a care in the world. But, the truth is I do care and I have people to care for and maybe, just maybe, if I can stay sober and find out what life is really all about, then one day I may be able to help her find a better path too, but that's not up to me.

I do go to AA, but have struggled with it this past week, and have been slacking off on doing any real recovery work. Every time I think of doing a 4th step, I want to run for the hills and hide behind a big oak tree, lol. Well, nothing changes if nothing changes, so I think it's time to get serious and do another 4th step. This anger inside me has to be dealt with somehow and maybe that's a step in the right direction.

You know, I really need you guys and gals here. You help me see myself as I am, even tho sometimes I don't like what I see. It's great that we can come here, put our troubles out here for others to see and get support and guidance everyday, that's something that I really miss in my life, but am slowly becoming more open to. Sometimes it's nice not to have all the answers, because it forces us to open up to others. Now, if only I could learn to listen, lol.

Maggi

Omg, Fire - I just read my own thoughts in that one...word for word.

And yeah, it sucks.

Dee74

Hey FS

It's not like I lobbed here and never thought about drinking again.
It's what we do - it's part of the insanity.

Sometimes I remember I really wanted to just go out and 'not be' an alkie LOL...other times I really didn't want to deal with stuff and I wanted to drink and blank out.

But I didn't...and the gang here helped me.

Thinking about it is one thing...not doing anything with that crazy thought is another

You're not a fraud D...you're honest and human - and you made a good call tonight

D

firestorm090

Thanks Dee

Thanks again Dee.

Hey Maggi, how are ya?

Maggi

Hey Fire Feeling as frustrated as you sound. And I mean it, your post spoke straight to me. I've always felt that way, definitely way before my little 6 days of not drinking, too. Interestingly, I was just telling my fiance something along those same lines today. He asked if I wanted to go see a movie, so I asked what was playing. He checked and said "nothing we haven't seen". I said, "really? No where?" To which he replied, "not at the Studio Movie Grill (which is the only place aorund us that serves alcohol - btw), and you always say you don't like the other theaters."

So even when it came to going to a movie, I would only consider going to one theater. Literally the entire time I was there, my main focus was drinking. And pacing myself just right so that each time I ordered a drink, it would be from a different waiter (I'm a tiny girl, but I can drink quite a bit before I start to show any outward signs...I also used to work at a bar and know that I'm the exact type that they keep an eye out for over-consuming). And then if I felt I hadn't had enough by the end of the evening (which was always), I would pretend I was hungry so that we could go out and I could order another drink. I know everybody that works at our local bar and they all know what I like to drink. The whole evening was based on drinking. Sometimes I wouldn't even remember the movie. Poor fiance.

firestorm090

Hi Maggi,

6 days without a drink is fantasic, or is it seven now? You sound just like myself and countless others here, our lives revolved around alcohol. I went to visit my brother who lives near by this past week. I hadn't been there is six months or so, and when I was there the last time, he had a six pack in his fridge. Well, since I went through treatment in Nov-Feb, and he knew it, I didn't ask for a beer six months ago, but I sure wanted one. Well, when I went there this past week, that six pack was still there. How could that be? I asked him if it was the same six pack from six months ago and it was. That boggles my mind, but then again my brother doesn't drink, he was keeping it there in case I stopped by, lol. Well, I told him to give it to someone else, cause I'm not drinking now, but in the back of my mind I really felt like popping a top. It's amazing to me that he could leave it there all this time and think nothing of it. I hope to get there soon.

I'm happy to hear about your 6-7 days and hope we're able to keep adding them up. I'll be cheering for ya!

Snarf

I really hate those insane, obsessive thoughts that can creep in sometimes. One thing I've learned of late is that what matters isn't always how we think or feel about something; it's what we do with those thoughts and feelings that's really important. Tonight, you didn't drink. Well done.

eremc08

I did read all of that and you're not a fraud by any means. You sound just like me. This morning I woke up and while having my coffee with DH on the porch, I thought to myself "I have to clean the windowsills.. but first a couple drinks" .. wth? I wanted to smack myself for even thinking that. Why does it have to be so damn tempting?

I also had a drinking friend contact me about hanging out last night. It was via text so easier to not respond. I thought about hanging out and just not drinking, then I thought about hanging out and having just 1, then I thought about hanging out and just having one night of drinking. Then I thought "omg I hate myself for all this torture I have to deal with"...

I'd rather just not hang out with her if it's going to come to me battling with myself all night. You're not alone in any of this. It's painful to me because I miss it so much. I totally relate to how you feel. You can beat this though, as I know we all can... you can't succeed at something until you fail first. Not to say that you will get drunk to fail, but if you've already failed (which I have, and many of us) you have to struggle to pick yourself back up. It's not easy to do. But it will be worth it.

DayTrader

Hi Fire.

Glad you're honest about it. Just about everyone I know, during their sobriety, goes through those periods where they want to stay sober on one hand....but want to get drunk on the other. You're not a fraud....that's what happens when we (I) rely upon ourselves, our will, and our strength to stay sober. Some days are ok.....some just barely ok.....others are pretty bad......eventually we get drunk again and wonder what happened.

That desire to drink didn't really leave me completely until I totally surrendered to the idea that, on my own I'm screwed. Working MY version of The Program wasn't leaving me happy, carefree, peaceful, and all those other things in the promises. I'd read them over and over and it was soooo obvious I didn't have that life.....yet. Once again it was decision time. Work ALL 12 of the steps to the best of my ability or go back to my old life.

You've got to make the same call for yourself. Work YOUR program - your version - the one where you don't HAVE to do the 4th step, and take your chances (then again, a quick look through our histories should show us with 100% accuracy where "our" programs take us) or work THE program. We've all been there. Everyone here with a number of years under their belt faced the same question. Choose carefully - your life depends upon it.

Kmber2010

Glad you posted and came here my friend.
I have been there plenty of times myself.....not wanting too but doing it and hating myself for it.
Just take it easy and share with us....this is how SR was extremely helpful to me. We can share our feelings and ups/downs with people who get it and will help us through.

You are no fraud to me. You are another person putting down the bottle and moving forward and the mind is a tricky one. I have quite a bit of experience battling the beast within but you can do it.

Here is to another sober day!!

HidLid

4 things to consider:

1. Your decision to quit drinking was and still is a good idea
2. You are better without drinking
3. Remember all the negative experiences that have resulted from your drinking
4. Realize that all it takes is giving in once to set you back down that dark road

Your mind is throwing a temper tantrum like a little child, so do what you would do with such a child: ignore it until it starts to behave again

ChrrisT

One more day down!!

That's all any of us can do -and you are DOING it!

Anna

Firestorm, I think the addict-voice recognizes when it is losing its grip and it fights back and fights hard. It doesn't want to give up. It will get easier and you will find better ways to deal with stuff.