First AA Meeting
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST 
Hey man. Thanks for posting. Glad you're feeling not too bad physically. I relate to that "absolutely empty" mental and emotional feeling, or lack of any feeling.
Although it was over 13 months ago I can remember the comedown of my last binge like it was yesterday. I can also remember many of the other binges where I was feeling totally and utterly lost and beaten.
I relate to struggling to keep that last beer down. I remember probably about 18 months ago early on a Monday morning, after a binge from Friday night, buying 8 cans of K cider. I used to drink that stuff quite a lot as it was 8.4% and dirt cheap, you probably know the 'tramp juice'. I remember getting home at about 9.00am and standing over the sink as I cracked a can open and just the smell of it made me vomit loads into the sink. Then proceeded to down about 4 cans in one and pass out in my bed untill about 4.00pm. Where I woke up and strted on the last 4. There was no fun there and I was drinking to make myself unconscious.
I must never forget what it was like being an active alcoholic, so thanks for reminding me. I mean that in the best possible way mate.
I can only end up not back in the terrible state that i used to get myself into by not taking that first drink. I haven't been sick in the last 13+ months. I used to have a sickbowl (Icecream tub) under my bed permanently, as being sick was a regular occurence and I just took it as a given.
Grateful to be a recovering alcoholic.
All The Best mate.
Although it was over 13 months ago I can remember the comedown of my last binge like it was yesterday. I can also remember many of the other binges where I was feeling totally and utterly lost and beaten.
I relate to struggling to keep that last beer down. I remember probably about 18 months ago early on a Monday morning, after a binge from Friday night, buying 8 cans of K cider. I used to drink that stuff quite a lot as it was 8.4% and dirt cheap, you probably know the 'tramp juice'. I remember getting home at about 9.00am and standing over the sink as I cracked a can open and just the smell of it made me vomit loads into the sink. Then proceeded to down about 4 cans in one and pass out in my bed untill about 4.00pm. Where I woke up and strted on the last 4. There was no fun there and I was drinking to make myself unconscious.
I must never forget what it was like being an active alcoholic, so thanks for reminding me. I mean that in the best possible way mate.
I can only end up not back in the terrible state that i used to get myself into by not taking that first drink. I haven't been sick in the last 13+ months. I used to have a sickbowl (Icecream tub) under my bed permanently, as being sick was a regular occurence and I just took it as a given.
Grateful to be a recovering alcoholic.
All The Best mate.
I'm going to try to write a timeline of how the problems and mistakes flooded back after I started drinking again, so I don't delude myself into thinking I was able to maintain control for any appreciable length of time. For now, about as much as I can piece together is that I started drinking again on 25th April 2009.
- Drank to the point of blacking out within a month of that.
- Drank first thing in the morning after a heavy night before by June 2009 at the latest. Done so regularly ever since.
- Drank to the point of blackout, panic attack and drunken breakdown in Ireland in July 2009, and nearly missed my cousin's wedding 2 days later due to the fear and paranoia. Fell out with my sister at the wedding as we were both very drunk.
- Was badly depressed in August/September 2009, to the point where friends were worried I was going to kill myself.
- Missed work for 3 days in November 2009, after going out for 'a few drinks' to watch a football match.
- Fell out with my mum on Christmas Night 2009, after she came downstairs to find me asleep with a lit cigarette in my hand. Thank God she accepted my profuse apologies the next day.
- Was off work for 3 weeks with stress and depression in Jan-Feb 2010, not coincidentally after a 4 day drink and ecstasy bender.
- Acted very aggressively to a friend on May 2010. Don't remember any of it. I hadn't thought I was ever really a violent drunk since my teens.
There's been plenty of two or three day binges in between, a few sick days from work and several last-minute holiday requests. The undeniable trend is that since I've started drinking again, I haven't went more than a month or two at a time without seriously jeopardising my work, a personal relationship, or my mental health. I've graduated from university with a good degree and not only have I not found a better job, I've been lucky to keep my current one. I have to remember all this - I simply can't cope with life if I consume alcohol.
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Originally Posted by DayTrader
heh... not laughing at you but with you. EVERYONE has had that same thought. I used to get a bit of joy out of looking around the AA rooms and picking out the people who were WAY worse alcoholics than me or way dumber than me, or way more "this" or "that" than me.
But then it would hit me like a ton of bricks: most of those guys had weeks.....months.......or years sober. "If those losers could do it I knew I was capable of doing it," ran through my head over and over. My ego gave me some hope.
If you're a real alcoholic, you'll find a way to forget all of it just so you can get back to drinking. Ummmmmmm........wait a minute..........you've already figured out how to forget about it the same night of the meeting. I did a lot of "hoping" myself......at best it delayed the inevitable.
I hope and pray you find your way brother. Keep coming to the meetings, talk honestly and openly and hang out with the winners - the ppl who understand you and have found a way to be TRULY happy without drinking.
But then it would hit me like a ton of bricks: most of those guys had weeks.....months.......or years sober. "If those losers could do it I knew I was capable of doing it," ran through my head over and over. My ego gave me some hope.
If you're a real alcoholic, you'll find a way to forget all of it just so you can get back to drinking. Ummmmmmm........wait a minute..........you've already figured out how to forget about it the same night of the meeting. I did a lot of "hoping" myself......at best it delayed the inevitable.
I hope and pray you find your way brother. Keep coming to the meetings, talk honestly and openly and hang out with the winners - the ppl who understand you and have found a way to be TRULY happy without drinking.
One thing I did get a wry laugh out of was that one of the veterans told me that even if I did drink after the meeting I wouldn't enjoy it at all. Sure enough, those few beers last night didn't even satisfy my cravings, didn't even give me that flicker of relief at staving off withdrawal that all the other beers this week had given me. He was right, damn it! Going to give him a phone call soon, as I promised I would last night.
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Originally Posted by Tomm
I simply can't cope with life if I consume alcohol.
For me life and alcohol cannot exist together. For me I can manage to live a life as long as alcohol isn't a part of that. When I was drinking then I was drinking. Any commitments or obligations would go out of the window and my mental health would go down extremely quickly. I would lose everything that I have built up over the past 13+ months.
For me accepting to my innermost self that I'm an alcoholic is essential. It's not a negative thing either, as long as I stay sober 'just for today'. I was ahamed to be a drunk but I'm not ashamed to be a recovering alcoholic.
In actual fact I am grateful for being a recovering alkie in many ways. My life has been given a new purpose and direction. It's all good.
It can be difficult at times, but for alcoholics like me, then to drink is to die. The rewards of sobriety and recovery are great; peace of mind, gratitude, sense of purpose, sense of achievemnt, to name a few. More than any drink or drug ever gave me.
Yes, it's essential to realise and accept that drinking is over. 'one day at a time'.
peace
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Originally Posted by Tomm
I also know that the deeper I fall into the abyss, the greater the chances that I won't be strong enough to claw my way back out again.
.
.
Also yes, AA really f*cks with your buzz. Alcohol and drugs just ain't the same after. haha.
May as well stay sober!
Peace
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST
Also yes, AA really f*cks with your buzz. Alcohol and drugs just ain't the same after. haha.
May as well stay sober!
May as well stay sober!
I needed that laugh. I'll be quoting this to any of my friends who ask why I can't take a drink from now on!
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Originally Posted by DayTrader
I used to get a bit of joy out of looking around the AA rooms and picking out the people who were WAY worse alcoholics than me or way dumber than me, or way more "this" or "that" than me.
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Quick update. Entering into Day Two now. Woke up to the unpleasant surprise that I'm worse physically today than I was yesterday - my body must have been expecting more beer all along yesterday, and isn't too happy that it never arrived!
The good news - I know its going to pass, and I'm not tempted to drink. Phoned my boss to apologise for whatever jibberish I said to her on Thursday. She said it was fine and offered me another day off as she could hear that I sounded panicky and ill. I'm embarrassed and frustrated to have taken her up on it, but I know if I never drink again this never needs to happen again in the 40-odd years I should have left in the world of work. She promised me I'm not in trouble, and has even offered me a load of overtime next week so that I can claim back the holidays I took last week. I'm a very lucky boy indeed to have such an understanding employer.
Plan for today isn't particularly ambitious - keep drinking loads of water, try to eat at least twice, lay around and read my book. Focus my mind on going back to work tomorrow and trying to be positive about it.
The good news - I know its going to pass, and I'm not tempted to drink. Phoned my boss to apologise for whatever jibberish I said to her on Thursday. She said it was fine and offered me another day off as she could hear that I sounded panicky and ill. I'm embarrassed and frustrated to have taken her up on it, but I know if I never drink again this never needs to happen again in the 40-odd years I should have left in the world of work. She promised me I'm not in trouble, and has even offered me a load of overtime next week so that I can claim back the holidays I took last week. I'm a very lucky boy indeed to have such an understanding employer.
Plan for today isn't particularly ambitious - keep drinking loads of water, try to eat at least twice, lay around and read my book. Focus my mind on going back to work tomorrow and trying to be positive about it.
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Hey man. It's good you've got an understanding employer.
I started the job I've been in for the past year when I was about 6 weeks sober. This was after basically leaving the previous job before I was either sacked or killed myself. I was unemployed for a long time inbetween. But it's all good experience. By going so low, it stood me in good stead for having gratitude for having employment and a routine.
Nobody at my job has ever seen me drunk, they all know I'm a recovering alcoholic. That way suited me well as it means that the first drink is never a temptation; particularly in the earlier days of sobriety; team nights out, xmas parties, alcohol incentives etcetc.
I'm only giving my experience. You've done well mate and have salvaged a potentially very costly binge ie- being unemployed and trying to explain at your next interview why you were sacked or left of your own accord.
Keep it up 'one day at a time'. I know going regularly to AA meetings and applying AA to my life really helped me keep my head and life straight in early sobriety. SR is also a great resource, so keep posting and sharing where you're at. Don't be a stranger, man.
Nice one.
I started the job I've been in for the past year when I was about 6 weeks sober. This was after basically leaving the previous job before I was either sacked or killed myself. I was unemployed for a long time inbetween. But it's all good experience. By going so low, it stood me in good stead for having gratitude for having employment and a routine.
Nobody at my job has ever seen me drunk, they all know I'm a recovering alcoholic. That way suited me well as it means that the first drink is never a temptation; particularly in the earlier days of sobriety; team nights out, xmas parties, alcohol incentives etcetc.
I'm only giving my experience. You've done well mate and have salvaged a potentially very costly binge ie- being unemployed and trying to explain at your next interview why you were sacked or left of your own accord.
Keep it up 'one day at a time'. I know going regularly to AA meetings and applying AA to my life really helped me keep my head and life straight in early sobriety. SR is also a great resource, so keep posting and sharing where you're at. Don't be a stranger, man.
Nice one.
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST
Hey man. It's good you've got an understanding employer.
I started the job I've been in for the past year when I was about 6 weeks sober. This was after basically leaving the previous job before I was either sacked or killed myself. I was unemployed for a long time inbetween. But it's all good experience. By going so low, it stood me in good stead for having gratitude for having employment and a routine.
Nobody at my job has ever seen me drunk, they all know I'm a recovering alcoholic. That way suited me well as it means that the first drink is never a temptation; particularly in the earlier days of sobriety; team nights out, xmas parties, alcohol incentives etcetc.
I'm only giving my experience. You've done well mate and have salvaged a potentially very costly binge ie- being unemployed and trying to explain at your next interview why you were sacked or left of your own accord.
Keep it up 'one day at a time'. I know going regularly to AA meetings and applying AA to my life really helped me keep my head and life straight in early sobriety. SR is also a great resource, so keep posting and sharing where you're at. Don't be a stranger, man.
Nice one.
I started the job I've been in for the past year when I was about 6 weeks sober. This was after basically leaving the previous job before I was either sacked or killed myself. I was unemployed for a long time inbetween. But it's all good experience. By going so low, it stood me in good stead for having gratitude for having employment and a routine.
Nobody at my job has ever seen me drunk, they all know I'm a recovering alcoholic. That way suited me well as it means that the first drink is never a temptation; particularly in the earlier days of sobriety; team nights out, xmas parties, alcohol incentives etcetc.
I'm only giving my experience. You've done well mate and have salvaged a potentially very costly binge ie- being unemployed and trying to explain at your next interview why you were sacked or left of your own accord.
Keep it up 'one day at a time'. I know going regularly to AA meetings and applying AA to my life really helped me keep my head and life straight in early sobriety. SR is also a great resource, so keep posting and sharing where you're at. Don't be a stranger, man.
Nice one.
I just need to stop feeling self-pity that I can't drink any more now. The crazy thing is that hand on heart, I can say I haven't enjoyed the feeling of being drunk for a very long time, yet again and again I've convinced myself I can get the old buzz back. No more.
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Congratulations on your decision to quit drinking Tom!
When I quit 5 years ago and wanted to drink I repeated to myself...No matter what comes my way, good, bad or indifferent, Drinking is NOT an option.
Not an option
Not an option
Not an option
Not an option....
Did I mention 'It is simply not an option.'
When I quit 5 years ago and wanted to drink I repeated to myself...No matter what comes my way, good, bad or indifferent, Drinking is NOT an option.
Not an option
Not an option
Not an option
Not an option....
Did I mention 'It is simply not an option.'
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The crazy thing is that hand on heart, I can say I haven't enjoyed the feeling of being drunk for a very long time, yet again and again I've convinced myself I can get the old buzz back
I soooo understand the insanity that you just related to. That type of insanity is what AA refers to in the second step. Welcome and stick around. AA has worked for me and countless others. You might want to really give it a try. God Bless
I soooo understand the insanity that you just related to. That type of insanity is what AA refers to in the second step. Welcome and stick around. AA has worked for me and countless others. You might want to really give it a try. God Bless
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Thanks guys. I'm in a strange place mentally right now. I'm constantly lurching from feeling relatively normal to feeling absolutely terrified. Second-guessing myself about everything...
I think I need to try to chill out a bit now, stop thinking long-term. Like Gerry said, I've drummed it into me that drinking is not an option, not now and not tomorrow. I've done ALOT of reading about recovery as well as attending that first meeting, and I think I'm reaching the point where I've overwhelmed myself a bit. I'm going to back off for tonight, go to a meeting tomorrow night, and take it from there.
I think I need to try to chill out a bit now, stop thinking long-term. Like Gerry said, I've drummed it into me that drinking is not an option, not now and not tomorrow. I've done ALOT of reading about recovery as well as attending that first meeting, and I think I'm reaching the point where I've overwhelmed myself a bit. I'm going to back off for tonight, go to a meeting tomorrow night, and take it from there.
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Tomm,
You are going to feel overwhelmed, terrified, unsure of what you are thinking, excited, happy, sad...there will be a period where you might be on an emotional rollercoaster. But, give it your all to accept that this is all normal and none of it is all that familiar to you. Ride the waves, hang on tight with both hands and remember that drinking is not an option. The only way around it, is through it. You are doing great.
You are going to feel overwhelmed, terrified, unsure of what you are thinking, excited, happy, sad...there will be a period where you might be on an emotional rollercoaster. But, give it your all to accept that this is all normal and none of it is all that familiar to you. Ride the waves, hang on tight with both hands and remember that drinking is not an option. The only way around it, is through it. You are doing great.
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Thanks again Gerry. Entering Day 3 now. About to get ready for work and my stomach is churning. I'm clinging to what you said - drinking is not an option, and missing work today is not an option. This'll be one of the hardest moments for me. I'm just telling myself I can be back in bed with my book not long from now, and that I just need to turn my emotions off for long enough to get through this.
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Tomm,
Sometimes in the beginning, all we can do is hang on for dear life. I got a couple of extra "days off" from work when a sewer backed up into my basement on day four! LOL, NOT the way I'd choose to start off on recovery, but it was a graphic reminder that sh*t happens. Sometimes quite literally.
Have a good day--it may be a lot better than you think.
Sometimes in the beginning, all we can do is hang on for dear life. I got a couple of extra "days off" from work when a sewer backed up into my basement on day four! LOL, NOT the way I'd choose to start off on recovery, but it was a graphic reminder that sh*t happens. Sometimes quite literally.
Have a good day--it may be a lot better than you think.
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Originally Posted by LexieCat
Tomm,
Sometimes in the beginning, all we can do is hang on for dear life. I got a couple of extra "days off" from work when a sewer backed up into my basement on day four! LOL, NOT the way I'd choose to start off on recovery, but it was a graphic reminder that sh*t happens. Sometimes quite literally.
Have a good day--it may be a lot better than you think.
Sometimes in the beginning, all we can do is hang on for dear life. I got a couple of extra "days off" from work when a sewer backed up into my basement on day four! LOL, NOT the way I'd choose to start off on recovery, but it was a graphic reminder that sh*t happens. Sometimes quite literally.
Have a good day--it may be a lot better than you think.
That brings its own problems for a binge drinker. I can't let myself forget how bad this past week (and much of the past year) has been otherwise I'll tell myself its ok to have a drink in a few weeks time. I can already feel that sick impulse coming back..."Just give it a month and you'll be fine to drink again"...all the bs that makes it a constant struggle not to mess up life irredeemably.
Its going to be a tough balance between snapping right back to being my happy self and remembering that drinking again will shatter that, and at some stage it'll be broken beyond repair. I'm going to go to another meeting tomorrow night. I'm also going to write a few mini-essays in a journal, detailing all the times I've messed up due to drinking, how little enjoyment I've really had from drinking, the perversity of rewarding myself with something that'll end up making me miserable...
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Hey mate. Nice one on today. Things often turn out alright, the facing them is often harder than the actual experince itself.
In relation to the problem you speak of about being a binge-drinker and drinking again when you feel better in about a month. I notice you refer to yourself as a binge drinker and not an alcoholic. Not a criticism just an observation.
For me until I could openly acknowledge and truly accept myself as an alkie then I was destined to just drink again. That was my exact experince too. My first stint in AA I didn't refer to myself as an alcoholic, I didn't mind wreckhead, f*ckhead, waster, Binger-drinker, but not alkie.
The reason for me having no shame in refering to myself as a recovering alcoholic, is so imperitive for my recovery, is that the first drink is the one that will kill me. For Joe Average binge-drinkers that simply ain't the case.
By knowing I'm an alcoholic means that I know the severity of my condition each day. It means I can live my life, and live a much more rewarding, grateful and serene existance, but I have no reservations as to where I will end up if I take that first drink. ie- dead in the gutter.
The AA meeting sounds like a wise move man. Remember the key to all this sobriety and recovery lark is change. The same person with the same mind and thinking in the same way will just end up repeating the same mistakes over again.
Peace Out
In relation to the problem you speak of about being a binge-drinker and drinking again when you feel better in about a month. I notice you refer to yourself as a binge drinker and not an alcoholic. Not a criticism just an observation.
For me until I could openly acknowledge and truly accept myself as an alkie then I was destined to just drink again. That was my exact experince too. My first stint in AA I didn't refer to myself as an alcoholic, I didn't mind wreckhead, f*ckhead, waster, Binger-drinker, but not alkie.
The reason for me having no shame in refering to myself as a recovering alcoholic, is so imperitive for my recovery, is that the first drink is the one that will kill me. For Joe Average binge-drinkers that simply ain't the case.
By knowing I'm an alcoholic means that I know the severity of my condition each day. It means I can live my life, and live a much more rewarding, grateful and serene existance, but I have no reservations as to where I will end up if I take that first drink. ie- dead in the gutter.
The AA meeting sounds like a wise move man. Remember the key to all this sobriety and recovery lark is change. The same person with the same mind and thinking in the same way will just end up repeating the same mistakes over again.
Peace Out
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Originally Posted by NEOMARXIST
Hey mate. Nice one on today. Things often turn out alright, the facing them is often harder than the actual experince itself.
In relation to the problem you speak of about being a binge-drinker and drinking again when you feel better in about a month. I notice you refer to yourself as a binge drinker and not an alcoholic. Not a criticism just an observation.
For me until I could openly acknowledge and truly accept myself as an alkie then I was destined to just drink again. That was my exact experince too. My first stint in AA I didn't refer to myself as an alcoholic, I didn't mind wreckhead, f*ckhead, waster, Binger-drinker, but not alkie.
The reason for me having no shame in refering to myself as a recovering alcoholic, is so imperitive for my recovery, is that the first drink is the one that will kill me. For Joe Average binge-drinkers that simply ain't the case.
By knowing I'm an alcoholic means that I know the severity of my condition each day. It means I can live my life, and live a much more rewarding, grateful and serene existance, but I have no reservations as to where I will end up if I take that first drink. ie- dead in the gutter.
The AA meeting sounds like a wise move man. Remember the key to all this sobriety and recovery lark is change. The same person with the same mind and thinking in the same way will just end up repeating the same mistakes over again.
Peace Out
In relation to the problem you speak of about being a binge-drinker and drinking again when you feel better in about a month. I notice you refer to yourself as a binge drinker and not an alcoholic. Not a criticism just an observation.
For me until I could openly acknowledge and truly accept myself as an alkie then I was destined to just drink again. That was my exact experince too. My first stint in AA I didn't refer to myself as an alcoholic, I didn't mind wreckhead, f*ckhead, waster, Binger-drinker, but not alkie.
The reason for me having no shame in refering to myself as a recovering alcoholic, is so imperitive for my recovery, is that the first drink is the one that will kill me. For Joe Average binge-drinkers that simply ain't the case.
By knowing I'm an alcoholic means that I know the severity of my condition each day. It means I can live my life, and live a much more rewarding, grateful and serene existance, but I have no reservations as to where I will end up if I take that first drink. ie- dead in the gutter.
The AA meeting sounds like a wise move man. Remember the key to all this sobriety and recovery lark is change. The same person with the same mind and thinking in the same way will just end up repeating the same mistakes over again.
Peace Out
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Haven't posted lately but I've stayed sober. Just completed Day 16 I think. Things are going well - I'm enjoying work, back in the gym and training hard, and seeing plenty of my friends. The problems that I do have seem alot more surmountable now that I'm committed to not drinking.
I've had a few cravings, but they've been very easy to fight so far. I'll not lie - the 'forever' thing is very difficult for me to accept at this point, and I think its counterproductive for me to fixate on that too much at the minute. For now I'm just keeping the focus on the medium term - no booze for the rest of 2010 is a given, and I'm getting my head around the idea of not drinking at all in 2011 either.
Thanks again for all the support everyone. I was in a dark place mentally when I joined this forum, and you helped me get through it.
I've had a few cravings, but they've been very easy to fight so far. I'll not lie - the 'forever' thing is very difficult for me to accept at this point, and I think its counterproductive for me to fixate on that too much at the minute. For now I'm just keeping the focus on the medium term - no booze for the rest of 2010 is a given, and I'm getting my head around the idea of not drinking at all in 2011 either.
Thanks again for all the support everyone. I was in a dark place mentally when I joined this forum, and you helped me get through it.
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