NEOMARXIST

Feeling in low mood the last few days. I have been ill with a cold/earache/headachey type virus that's been around. I guess that can affect my general mood. Mood has felt better in snippets and 'lifted' and then a little lower again.

I have also been noticing my anxiety type obsessive thoughts start to annoy me too. Like I know that I've done something, like locked the car door or put a stamp on an envelope, but I keep getting annoying thoughts pestering me that I haven't and that the letter won't be received and then I get anxious and stuff. I guess it's hard to know though whether other people get this too.

Usually I don't mind this sort of stuff but it has started to annoy me somewhat. But it may have been due to my mood being low due to being ill.

I also can feel somewhat of a slight sadness that the "raucous" times are over, like when I'm watching DVD of my favourite bands, though it is brief and I let it pass. Just for today it ain't an option anyway and tomorrow I'm usually feeling better.

I guess this is why 'just for today' is so important. I guess I get used to feeling really in a good place too, so when I feel not quite in that perfect place then I naturally start to get more anxious about being anxious. If that makes sense?

The solution certainly ain't get wrecked though. I saw an alcoholic today when i was walking through town and he looked around as he swug out of a platic bag enclosed bottle, to see if anyone saw him. I saw him and I know that the long game of sobriety and recovery ie- feeling good about where you're at is so much more rewarding, but there is almost something quite alluring about that tortured place and that instant release. Though reading what I've just wrote makes me recognise the insanity of alcoholism. haha. Maybe somebody will relate to that? Maybe it's the tortured rock n' roll thing, living on the edge and all that, maybe I'm just in a nostalgic mood because my moods a little lower than usual?

Well the solution certainly ain't alcohol and it ain' even an option. Just rambling I guess. Played my guitar and listened to music with my Dad all day and looking back it's a lot more rewarding than getting drunk listening to music, just loses a bit of that coming up magic sparkle I guess. Or does it? Who knows?

Peace

HIgby442

Hey man, hang in there. The good days are awesome, but then there are always the tough days too. The good thing about sobriety is that the worst days sober are better than the best days NOT sober. Whenever i have days like that I look back on my journal writings to remind myself of all the things I have gone through-for the good and the bad and it usually helps me put things in perspective. For me, I had to go through a period of "mourning" my past life drinking and using. I used to love it until I got to a point where things were horrible. To me, its like mourning the loss of anything I miss and I still have my nostalgic days. But, I have some old memories that I am no longer going to glorify. I also have some memories I wish I didnt have lingering in my mind.

But you what? Each day comes and goes, and in sobriety every day is a good day. Some are better than others.

Hang in there, and I hope your day gets better. I have read your posts when i was having bad days and they always helped me out.

All the best

eremc08

I'm only on day 3 so I can't give too much advice, but from what everyone tells me on here... your worst sober day is better than your best drunk day. (something like that?) Sometimes it may not makes sense and sometimes it will. I'm still in a fog so I can't think like that just yet. I'm hoping that day will come soon though.. Keep your chin up! (((hugs)))

Harry01854

Sounds like what you did here was something that made you feel a little better anyway. For what it is worth...Having a bad day, well, you can start your day over anytime you want to.

Sounds like you did that when you played your guitar and listened to music with your Dad.

I do have bad days, like all of us do I guess, and I just try to start my day over again, leaving what bad there is in the past and think, nothing I can do about it right now. And I usually start my day over by doing something more positive.

Harry

Kerbcrawler

yeah,i like your description and detailed analysis, of all these things going on in our heads,your doing great neo..i get what your saying about the feelin ill,low,that too is a big trigger time for me,many times when i had colds or flu, and was off work,used to sneak a bottle or two,which probably set me back a day or two more to recover.. if only they knew at my work.it was but a convieniant time to get buzzed...whilst off work, wishin the best on your new future uni venture..good post, thanks.

Hevyn

Neo, all your feelings are completely understandable & I relate. No matter what our age or lifestyle, those of us who suffer with this illness have certain things in common, & that keeps us holding on to each other. I'm grateful that you shared what you're feeling because it helps me not feel so alone with my thoughts.

I don't know whether it's the summer coming to an end or what - but I've been feeling nostalgic lately too. Glamorizing the "raucous" times was my undoing in the past. I'd have a longing to just relax and stop being on guard - and that would be the beginning of a terrible & dangerous binge. I've proven to myself over the years that I can't afford such a momentary lapse of reason (thank you Pink Floyd) because the next time I slip might be my last. It was that bad in the end.

I love your honesty for saying there's almost something alluring about that 'tortured place & instant release'. No one but a fellow alkie/druggie could possibly get what we mean when we admit that. Of course we know we can't go back there, and wouldn't truly want to, but still.....the thought will flicker across our minds. Then it will float away into the air & we'll come back to reality.

Thank you for sharing your innermost thoughts with us. It helped me today.

Ghostly

I got some OCD stuff too. For me really has nothing to do with my alcohol issues. Had before, during and since I quit. From readin on SR though, sounds like alcohol use and stopping does affect it for some people. I can totally relate to you there though. How bout not being sure a door is locked/unlocked, oven's on/off or lights are on/off before I leave the house to name a few...that sound familiar to you? Just some of the type of behavior I deal with...not complainin though...is what it is.

What you wrote about it being alluring with the tortured place and the instant release is so right on Neo. I totally get that too. I think about the immediate numbing affect alcohol would quite a bit. It is def not worth it though. We have both come so far to give into that. Rather face life sober.

Hang in there bro. You'll get better and get past this.

artsoul

You have a way of describing my feelings, NEO, and you do it a lot, haha......

I just wanted to chime in and remind you that you are totally worthy of a happy and sober life filled with every good thing. I was really tempted to have a drink today myself. I'm WAY behind in everything (work, $, house, yard) and the kids kept asking for stuff......I just feel like a walking worry-machine some days.

BUT one thing I do know is that I can stay sober for the next X hours until I go to bed. Things always look better in the morning. So, get some rest, get some ice cream, drink some tea, be good to yourself, and thank the heavens for your time sober. Hope you feel better soon!

Dee74

Hey Neo

I'm sorry you're not feeling well. I hope you feel better tomorrow.

I know somedays I have to reach down deeper too...

it's those days I remind myself that memories are really powerful...but that sparkle is in us, it's there now and it always was...it's not in something outside us.

Ok, it's not exactly the same because I'm not exactly the same now either...but I think life can be every bit as vivid exciting and memorable.

take care of yourself, mate
D