Tell me again why...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Caswell Beach
Posts: 85
Tell me again why...
We aren't supposed to make any "big" changes in our life during the first year of sobriety? As a drunk, I was frustrated with my marriage. All my husband did was yell and complain about my drinking. Now, being sober 52 days, he isn't complaining. Instead, I'm seeing what he does/says.
"Alcoholism is not a disease; you're just lazy."
"Yeah, you quit drinking, but you're not losing weight because you're lazy."
I asked him to go to an Alanon meeting, and he dismissed the discussion.
I made a comment about being tempted to drink on my birthday, and his first (and I mean first) comment was "not if you're driving my truck".
Everything is just always about him or about money. There is no "us" in our marriage. Perhaps that is part of why I drank (there were lots of reasons that I felt justified in drinking). But I love his comment "Don't you see that I don't yell at you anymore because you aren't drunk all the time anymore?" It's like Oh gee thanks. You aren't yelling, but you still make me feel like crap and even more unhappy than I was when I was drinking.
When I sit at the tables at AA, I hear so many people say that their spouse left them while they were drinking. But then, I also hear about marriages that ended during sobriety, either because of the alcoholic or the spouse. I always thought that if our marriage ended, it would be during my drinking career. But now I am starting to see that maybe that just isn't so...
"Alcoholism is not a disease; you're just lazy."
"Yeah, you quit drinking, but you're not losing weight because you're lazy."
I asked him to go to an Alanon meeting, and he dismissed the discussion.
I made a comment about being tempted to drink on my birthday, and his first (and I mean first) comment was "not if you're driving my truck".
Everything is just always about him or about money. There is no "us" in our marriage. Perhaps that is part of why I drank (there were lots of reasons that I felt justified in drinking). But I love his comment "Don't you see that I don't yell at you anymore because you aren't drunk all the time anymore?" It's like Oh gee thanks. You aren't yelling, but you still make me feel like crap and even more unhappy than I was when I was drinking.
When I sit at the tables at AA, I hear so many people say that their spouse left them while they were drinking. But then, I also hear about marriages that ended during sobriety, either because of the alcoholic or the spouse. I always thought that if our marriage ended, it would be during my drinking career. But now I am starting to see that maybe that just isn't so...
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I'm pretty sure the reason for "no big changes" the first year, is so that you can focus primarily on your recovery, while you learn new tools to deal with life's big changes, stresses, etc.
Not all change in life can be put off though, in my opinion. Your wellbeing is of utmost importance right now (and always should be!), and I feel that whatever you feel you must do to protect your emotions, and your sobriety.. ya gotta do.
My marriage got more rocky once I sobered up. Or maybe I was just a bit more obivious before. I was so proud of myself, I thought I fixed everything that was wrong by getting sober.. no way was that even close to true! I think when we come out of the drunken fog, there's often things in our lives that we find (more clearly) are unhealthy, and in need of change.
Not all change in life can be put off though, in my opinion. Your wellbeing is of utmost importance right now (and always should be!), and I feel that whatever you feel you must do to protect your emotions, and your sobriety.. ya gotta do.
My marriage got more rocky once I sobered up. Or maybe I was just a bit more obivious before. I was so proud of myself, I thought I fixed everything that was wrong by getting sober.. no way was that even close to true! I think when we come out of the drunken fog, there's often things in our lives that we find (more clearly) are unhealthy, and in need of change.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I'm so sorry you are having problems with your husband. I'm not married so might not be the best person to say anything, but I have to think that there was a reason you got married in the first place. I'm assuming the Avatar is you and you look awfully happy on your wedding day.
From what I understand sobriety is a big impact on the spouse as well and he doesn't sound like he's dealing well. He might be threatened by going to a meeting like al anon...amybe you could try getting him into one on one counseling...a lot of guys are resistant to this so maybe try and start with couples counseling. Just saying some of the things I've heard my friends say and do over the years.
Whatever happens sobriety is the most important but good luck, sending positive thoughts your way!
From what I understand sobriety is a big impact on the spouse as well and he doesn't sound like he's dealing well. He might be threatened by going to a meeting like al anon...amybe you could try getting him into one on one counseling...a lot of guys are resistant to this so maybe try and start with couples counseling. Just saying some of the things I've heard my friends say and do over the years.
Whatever happens sobriety is the most important but good luck, sending positive thoughts your way!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Caswell Beach
Posts: 85
Originally Posted by LaFemme 
I'm so sorry you are having problems with your husband. I'm not married so might not be the best person to say anything, but I have to think that there was a reason you got married in the first place. I'm assuming the Avatar is you and you look awfully happy on your wedding day.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
"...Tell me shy we aren't supposed to make any "big" changes in our life during the first year of sobriety?..."
Actually, the suggestion (note, suggestion, NOT rule) is not.....'no big changes' but 'no major changes,' and there really is a difference.
Perhaps another way of looking at it would be to not make any changes MAJOR....don't make mountains out of molehills.....eh?
The reason, usually, for this suggestion, is that in early recovery, a person needs to really work on his/her self, without any 'major' distractions. Obviously, sometimes, major changes are necessary in early recovery; unfortunately, we don't get to set the timetable.
Just keep calm, work toward that 'happy, joyous, 'n free, clean and serene future you have in store.
(o:
NoelleR
Actually, the suggestion (note, suggestion, NOT rule) is not.....'no big changes' but 'no major changes,' and there really is a difference.
Perhaps another way of looking at it would be to not make any changes MAJOR....don't make mountains out of molehills.....eh?
The reason, usually, for this suggestion, is that in early recovery, a person needs to really work on his/her self, without any 'major' distractions. Obviously, sometimes, major changes are necessary in early recovery; unfortunately, we don't get to set the timetable.
Just keep calm, work toward that 'happy, joyous, 'n free, clean and serene future you have in store.
(o:
NoelleR
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
IF you're really working the program of recovery and you get through ALL 12 steps.....you're guaranteed a spiritual awakening / spiritual experience. For me and everyone I personally know....nagging wives, husbands, kids, bosses....etc... all that stuff seemed to just disappear when we/they really quit worrying about all that outside stuff and concentrated on God. Now.....was it ALL those various people from all over the place that simultaneously changed or was it the change in the alcoholic? Maybe it was both but the one common thread was the spiritual awakening in the AA.
Check the promises (and they're called PROMISES because they ARE promises):
-That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
-We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
-Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
-Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
-We will intuitively know how to handle situations.....
....and there are more:
-More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.
-As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind
-We were reborn
-At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
-We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on the them as sick people.
-We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
-Our fears fall from us.
-And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone
-We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.
-When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned.
-Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!
Stick to working the program of recovery.. the 12 Steps...and leave the future up to God. It's not my (or YOUR) place to say whether you should stick around, not stick around, leave, forgive, stay or whatever..... that's a "God Job" and you need to be asking God.....and LISTENING for the answer when it comes.
When I find myself baffled by something......and that feeling of being uneasy and/or out of control hits me like a ton of bricks.......it's a pretty good indication to me that I've been trying to control something that's not my job to control.
"Our problems, we think, are of our own making" comes to mind.
Check the promises (and they're called PROMISES because they ARE promises):
-That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
-We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
-Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
-Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
-We will intuitively know how to handle situations.....
....and there are more:
-More and more we became interested in seeing what we could contribute to life.
-As we felt new power flow in, as we enjoyed peace of mind
-We were reborn
-At once, we commence to outgrow fear.
-We have begun to learn tolerance, patience and good will toward all men, even our enemies, for we look on the them as sick people.
-We can be alone at perfect peace and ease.
-Our fears fall from us.
-And we have ceased fighting anything or anyone
-We constantly remind ourselves we are no longer running the show, humbly saying to ourselves many times each day "Thy will be done." We are then in much less danger of excitement, fear, anger, worry, self-pity, or foolish decisions.
-When we look back, we realize that the things which came to us when we put ourselves in God's hands were better than anything we could have planned.
-Follow the dictates of a Higher Power and you will presently live in a new and wonderful world, no matter what your present circumstances!
Stick to working the program of recovery.. the 12 Steps...and leave the future up to God. It's not my (or YOUR) place to say whether you should stick around, not stick around, leave, forgive, stay or whatever..... that's a "God Job" and you need to be asking God.....and LISTENING for the answer when it comes.
When I find myself baffled by something......and that feeling of being uneasy and/or out of control hits me like a ton of bricks.......it's a pretty good indication to me that I've been trying to control something that's not my job to control.
"Our problems, we think, are of our own making" comes to mind.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
Trixie, I understand where you're coming from. I don't have any good advice.
We each have our breaking point. I discovered about a year ago what the breaking point is for me in my marriage. I was surprised at what it was, too.
If the situation in your marriage is threatening your sobriety, perhaps you could seek professional help--perhaps even with a counselor specializing in substance abuse. A professional who knows the mind of an addict might be able to help you pick through your thoughts and figure out more about the dynamics of your marriage. The more you understand about a relationship, the better able you are to know what to do about it.
Early in sobriety, it was very difficult for me to assess situations. People's actions and reactions seemed like a riddle. I never knew when I was being a boob and when I needed to stand up for myself. All I knew was that I'd been bad, very bad, while I was drinking . . . and that I didn't know what to do with myself now that I wasn't drinking.
So, yeah, my not-so-great advice is to see a counselor of some sort. Even if you go to marriage counseling by yourself, that might help you get a better handle on what's going on.
We each have our breaking point. I discovered about a year ago what the breaking point is for me in my marriage. I was surprised at what it was, too.
If the situation in your marriage is threatening your sobriety, perhaps you could seek professional help--perhaps even with a counselor specializing in substance abuse. A professional who knows the mind of an addict might be able to help you pick through your thoughts and figure out more about the dynamics of your marriage. The more you understand about a relationship, the better able you are to know what to do about it.
Early in sobriety, it was very difficult for me to assess situations. People's actions and reactions seemed like a riddle. I never knew when I was being a boob and when I needed to stand up for myself. All I knew was that I'd been bad, very bad, while I was drinking . . . and that I didn't know what to do with myself now that I wasn't drinking.
So, yeah, my not-so-great advice is to see a counselor of some sort. Even if you go to marriage counseling by yourself, that might help you get a better handle on what's going on.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Trixie, I think the logic behind "no major changes for the first year" is that as newly sober alcoholics we are prone to "all or nothing" thinking - which leads to rash decisions that may create problems greater than those they were intended to resolve. Your husband clearly isn't being as supportive of you and your recovery as you want him to be (I would write more but don't want to insert an opinion or judgement). Relationships are always more complicated than one can reasonably detail in a forum like this. I would suggest you talk to your sponsor about this. If you don't have a sponsor - get one, especially one with whom you can identify with regarding your marriage.
I'm in my first year, and can identify with the frustration in your post. It's taken eight months, but I'm beginning to understand that sobriety is not about making my life perfect, it's about learning to love myself and my life in spite of all the imperfections.
Wishing you all the best,
Eddie
I'm in my first year, and can identify with the frustration in your post. It's taken eight months, but I'm beginning to understand that sobriety is not about making my life perfect, it's about learning to love myself and my life in spite of all the imperfections.
Wishing you all the best,
Eddie
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think the reasons for the "suggestion" here are the two that have been mentioned: one is that we don't get all our marbles back at once. We are learning a whole new way to live, and our judgment isn't always the greatest. We can be overly sensitive and insecure until we get more solid in our recovery. So we might be reacting to things in a knee-jerk way, and the whole situation might look a lot different in a few months.
The other reason is that big changes often create major distractions in our lives and can divert us from focusing on our recovery.
Sometimes, of course, change is thrust upon us--a spouse leaves us, a child dies, we get fired or laid off. With those situations we have to work through them without picking up a drink. When you have a choice, though, postponing the big changes can be the wisest course. You can always leave the marriage, quit the job, get into the new relationship, a few months down the road, when you're in a better place to make good decisions for the right reasons.
The other reason is that big changes often create major distractions in our lives and can divert us from focusing on our recovery.
Sometimes, of course, change is thrust upon us--a spouse leaves us, a child dies, we get fired or laid off. With those situations we have to work through them without picking up a drink. When you have a choice, though, postponing the big changes can be the wisest course. You can always leave the marriage, quit the job, get into the new relationship, a few months down the road, when you're in a better place to make good decisions for the right reasons.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by trixieisme
When I sit at the tables at AA, I hear so many people say that their spouse left them while they were drinking. But then, I also hear about marriages that ended during sobriety, either because of the alcoholic or the spouse. I always thought that if our marriage ended, it would be during my drinking career. But now I am starting to see that maybe that just isn't so...
I suspect it has something to do with the fact that as we lose our delusional thinking, we see where we got married to the wrong person for the wrong reasons.
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