Learning how to socialize again
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 114
Learning how to socialize again
Hey everyone,
I was wondering if you all could help with some advice. At 228 days sober, I am continuing to expose myself to more social situations. They range from sports events, to backyard barbeques to even going into some bars with freinds, but only for a short time. As I have gone through exposing myself, I have learned what situations I feel ok in, and which ones I dont. I always have a plan, like if I get uncomfortable I have my own transportation so I can leave whenever. And, I never stay out that late-I get there after people arrive and leave before everone else. Things have been going great thankfully. I have a good time, and I know when to leave and I am glad for all of it. I havent really felt tempted-when I do, I go home. I still hit meetings every day.
The question I have is, I feel like I dont know how to socialize sober anymore. My freinds are all pretty accomodating-they know my situation and dont give me a hard time. The problem is I feel like I dont have much to say. When drinking-I was a blabbermouth and thought I was really social. I have learned in my sobriety that I was really just a loud and selfish jerk. But now that I have clarity again, I feel lost. Like I dont know how to socialize and have fun.
I really enjoy the company of my freinds-and being sober. But I dont want to be the "awkward guy" who is kind of quiet and doesnt fit the situation because I am not drinking and feel out of place.
Has anyone else gone through this at all?
I was wondering if you all could help with some advice. At 228 days sober, I am continuing to expose myself to more social situations. They range from sports events, to backyard barbeques to even going into some bars with freinds, but only for a short time. As I have gone through exposing myself, I have learned what situations I feel ok in, and which ones I dont. I always have a plan, like if I get uncomfortable I have my own transportation so I can leave whenever. And, I never stay out that late-I get there after people arrive and leave before everone else. Things have been going great thankfully. I have a good time, and I know when to leave and I am glad for all of it. I havent really felt tempted-when I do, I go home. I still hit meetings every day.
The question I have is, I feel like I dont know how to socialize sober anymore. My freinds are all pretty accomodating-they know my situation and dont give me a hard time. The problem is I feel like I dont have much to say. When drinking-I was a blabbermouth and thought I was really social. I have learned in my sobriety that I was really just a loud and selfish jerk. But now that I have clarity again, I feel lost. Like I dont know how to socialize and have fun.
I really enjoy the company of my freinds-and being sober. But I dont want to be the "awkward guy" who is kind of quiet and doesnt fit the situation because I am not drinking and feel out of place.
Has anyone else gone through this at all?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I'm looking forward to hearing everyone's advice. I have my first big social situation on Saturday and I have to be there first and stay to the end as I am part of the planning committee (I signed up before I got sober). Having a little anxiety about it, luckily it's a cash bar, so I am planning on not bringing any money!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: PA
Posts: 89
Me too! There are so many social events that I have only done with alcohol. My anniversary is coming up and now with summer ending "girl's nights" will resume again (2 per month). My counselor says the more you do these things soberly the easier it gets and yes they will even become fun. The best advise he gave me was to have a "sober" buddy with you so you do not have to feel so alone when everyone else is throwing back. Also remember to "play it through"...the first couple drinks may be great but what happens after that may be why we are in this situation to begin with!!!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 33
This was my biggest fear as well! What I discovered is that I am still the social and funny guy everyone loved at the beginning of the night without becoming the stumbling, obnoxious, and hurtful jerk that emerged as I got more and more drunk. You'll soon discover that the people that were reticent to hang with you before or "drifted" away as the night wore on are more willing to stick around and have fun with you. As for the drunk friends, screw them! If you haven't started that process yet, letting go of some people isn't exactly fun, but sobriety beats the hell out of being associated with all that.
The "sober buddy" concept has worked very well for me. My wife rarely drinks and always has my back. And my best friend has been in recovery for years. As someone who stuck with me through the drinking and now the sobriety, I know he prefers the "new" me over worrying about what I'll say or do and being responsible for getting me home safely. Whoever the "buddy" is, talk through it all first. Again I was extremely lucky because those they were very supportive and if I got uncomfortable in any situation, they were willing to leave with me. Once you've made your maiden voyage(s), you'll be amazed at the transformation and wonder why you ever needed to be drunk to be social.
The "sober buddy" concept has worked very well for me. My wife rarely drinks and always has my back. And my best friend has been in recovery for years. As someone who stuck with me through the drinking and now the sobriety, I know he prefers the "new" me over worrying about what I'll say or do and being responsible for getting me home safely. Whoever the "buddy" is, talk through it all first. Again I was extremely lucky because those they were very supportive and if I got uncomfortable in any situation, they were willing to leave with me. Once you've made your maiden voyage(s), you'll be amazed at the transformation and wonder why you ever needed to be drunk to be social.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
Mark me as another who is curious to see what other people have to say.
I've been sober for a while (over 2.5 years). I have had time to attend a lot of events. Some had a lot to do with drinking; other events did not. Most of them were not completely unpleasant. I didn't find any great joy in attending them, though.
I have discovered that I'd rather just be by myself reading, surfing the 'net, watching movies, playing with my dog, or studying my topic of the moment. I am not sure if I think this is a character flaw or not.
I don't remember being this shy or uninterested in other people. I grew up an only child, though. Additionally, we lived several miles from kids my age. It makes sense that I'd be used to my own company and be comfortable being by myself.
Maybe I never liked socializing. Who knew?
I've been sober for a while (over 2.5 years). I have had time to attend a lot of events. Some had a lot to do with drinking; other events did not. Most of them were not completely unpleasant. I didn't find any great joy in attending them, though.
I have discovered that I'd rather just be by myself reading, surfing the 'net, watching movies, playing with my dog, or studying my topic of the moment. I am not sure if I think this is a character flaw or not.
I don't remember being this shy or uninterested in other people. I grew up an only child, though. Additionally, we lived several miles from kids my age. It makes sense that I'd be used to my own company and be comfortable being by myself.
Maybe I never liked socializing. Who knew?
Groovy Dancer
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: The States
Posts: 4,751
I think you're doing great Higby. 228 days is awesome! I am not really a social person and when I drank I was frequently home alone.
I did have times I drank socially, or drank when I had people over though. I did usually have more fun then. I was probably more funny, at least I thought I was. I was more relaxed. I do miss all that. However I also did dumb things. I kept drinking when I got home or when everyone left. I made an ass of myself. I said stupid things. I did the e-mail/text thing where I'd wake up later dreading what I sent. I drank a ridiculous amount, got ridiculously drunk and got my passed out sleep.
My response may not help at all, and I may not be answering your question. I guess this is my point(s) - You and I are clearly in the same position where we know we can't drink socially. One drink will eventually escalate, and we'll be right back in that horrible place we were in. Maybe Hunt's counselor is right, and the longer we go the more used to it we'll get and the more fun we'll have. I don't know, I'm not there yet. I had more fun before.
Still....I would not trade that for my sobriety. I'll suck it up and feel a little more awkward. I'll be less funny and less relaxed. There are so many other things I enjoy more with this sobriety then I did before. I'll take not having as much fun socially as I did before.
Again, I prob didn't help you, but your question ended up helping me! I hadn't thought about this before.
Thanks! Good luck HIgby. Keep us posted on how it goes.
I did have times I drank socially, or drank when I had people over though. I did usually have more fun then. I was probably more funny, at least I thought I was. I was more relaxed. I do miss all that. However I also did dumb things. I kept drinking when I got home or when everyone left. I made an ass of myself. I said stupid things. I did the e-mail/text thing where I'd wake up later dreading what I sent. I drank a ridiculous amount, got ridiculously drunk and got my passed out sleep.
My response may not help at all, and I may not be answering your question. I guess this is my point(s) - You and I are clearly in the same position where we know we can't drink socially. One drink will eventually escalate, and we'll be right back in that horrible place we were in. Maybe Hunt's counselor is right, and the longer we go the more used to it we'll get and the more fun we'll have. I don't know, I'm not there yet. I had more fun before.
Still....I would not trade that for my sobriety. I'll suck it up and feel a little more awkward. I'll be less funny and less relaxed. There are so many other things I enjoy more with this sobriety then I did before. I'll take not having as much fun socially as I did before.
Again, I prob didn't help you, but your question ended up helping me! I hadn't thought about this before.
Thanks! Good luck HIgby. Keep us posted on how it goes.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I always loved socializing, before the drinking made me prefer to get drunk at home by myself. I don't have a sober buddy for my event, so I am hoping I will just be keeping busy the whole time as a coordinator and not be tempted. I am also going to bring my camera and act as official photographer, I figure it will give me an excuse not to drink as well as something to do:-)
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 114
Thanks everyone for the replies-they were all helpful! I do things differently now. I definitely went down the road of having the sober freind with me and it totally helps a ton. I agree, being a little less social is certainly a small price to pay, and I would always take my sobriety over that. Maybe its just going to take some more time and experience for me to get back on my feet.
I will tell you what never ceases to amaze me-is that when I watch people driking from afar, I realize how much of a problem I really had. nobody else is counting how many drinks they are having and then has too much past that. Nobody else is guzzling drinks, or concerned with getting as much as possible before last call. I dont miss all those things about myself.
It feels good to be back in a social place, and to be doing it sober. It took me time to become an alcoholic and make a fool of myself socially, so i guess it will take some time to learn how to do things normally, or my way-the way the real me would interact.
Thanks again all
I will tell you what never ceases to amaze me-is that when I watch people driking from afar, I realize how much of a problem I really had. nobody else is counting how many drinks they are having and then has too much past that. Nobody else is guzzling drinks, or concerned with getting as much as possible before last call. I dont miss all those things about myself.
It feels good to be back in a social place, and to be doing it sober. It took me time to become an alcoholic and make a fool of myself socially, so i guess it will take some time to learn how to do things normally, or my way-the way the real me would interact.
Thanks again all
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hey HIgby,
I know exactly how you feel, from a childhood of being called cute and shy. I grew to hate those two words, but now appreciate being called cute, or any compliment that a 51 yo guy can get, lol.
However, concerning being shy, I started reading books about shyness when I was young and worked at overcoming this handicap, and it was a handicap for many years. For me, it stemmed from a lack of confidence, and low self-esteem, so I had to work on these aspects of my personality. I started reading up on current events, learning about different subjects of interest and considered the crowd I would be part of when choosing my topics. Bar crowds are actually kinda dull, so it's easy to converse in that setting. However, when surrounded by educated intellectuals who didn't drink much, or professionals with whom I had to interact, such as bankers and accountants, I had to learn to speak their language, and feel comfortable discussing the common interests that brought us together, whether I was applying for a loan or having my books done. Great places to learn to be at ease with casual conversations are at the local market, gas station, post office or anyplace we normally would just take care of business and exit quickly. These brief encounters allow us an opportunity for short, friendly exchanges that increase our comfort level with talking to strangers, which actually improves our overall confidence in conversing with others in more intimate social interactions. Intimacy in this respect means exposing our thoughts and beliefs to others, which are often sought by others who really want to get to know us. This of course is facilitated by knowing ourselves well and learning how to express that self-knowledge in a positive light. It's also helpful to bear in mind that the other person is human too, and may have the same fears you do the first time you meet. If you put them at ease, and show genuine interest in them, most people will show the same respect and interest in you.
Oh, I forgot to add, relax....and just be yourself!
I'm no authority on this subject, but since I'm not shy anymore, I thought I'd pitch a couple ideas at you.
OK, I'll shut up for now, lol.
I know exactly how you feel, from a childhood of being called cute and shy. I grew to hate those two words, but now appreciate being called cute, or any compliment that a 51 yo guy can get, lol.
However, concerning being shy, I started reading books about shyness when I was young and worked at overcoming this handicap, and it was a handicap for many years. For me, it stemmed from a lack of confidence, and low self-esteem, so I had to work on these aspects of my personality. I started reading up on current events, learning about different subjects of interest and considered the crowd I would be part of when choosing my topics. Bar crowds are actually kinda dull, so it's easy to converse in that setting. However, when surrounded by educated intellectuals who didn't drink much, or professionals with whom I had to interact, such as bankers and accountants, I had to learn to speak their language, and feel comfortable discussing the common interests that brought us together, whether I was applying for a loan or having my books done. Great places to learn to be at ease with casual conversations are at the local market, gas station, post office or anyplace we normally would just take care of business and exit quickly. These brief encounters allow us an opportunity for short, friendly exchanges that increase our comfort level with talking to strangers, which actually improves our overall confidence in conversing with others in more intimate social interactions. Intimacy in this respect means exposing our thoughts and beliefs to others, which are often sought by others who really want to get to know us. This of course is facilitated by knowing ourselves well and learning how to express that self-knowledge in a positive light. It's also helpful to bear in mind that the other person is human too, and may have the same fears you do the first time you meet. If you put them at ease, and show genuine interest in them, most people will show the same respect and interest in you.
Oh, I forgot to add, relax....and just be yourself!
I'm no authority on this subject, but since I'm not shy anymore, I thought I'd pitch a couple ideas at you.
OK, I'll shut up for now, lol.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 426
Originally Posted by HIgby442 
Thanks everyone for the replies-they were all helpful! I do things differently now. I definitely went down the road of having the sober freind with me and it totally helps a ton. I agree, being a little less social is certainly a small price to pay, and I would always take my sobriety over that. Maybe its just going to take some more time and experience for me to get back on my feet.
I will tell you what never ceases to amaze me-is that when I watch people driking from afar, I realize how much of a problem I really had. nobody else is counting how many drinks they are having and then has too much past that. Nobody else is guzzling drinks, or concerned with getting as much as possible before last call. I dont miss all those things about myself.
It feels good to be back in a social place, and to be doing it sober. It took me time to become an alcoholic and make a fool of myself socially, so i guess it will take some time to learn how to do things normally, or my way-the way the real me would interact.
Thanks again all
I will tell you what never ceases to amaze me-is that when I watch people driking from afar, I realize how much of a problem I really had. nobody else is counting how many drinks they are having and then has too much past that. Nobody else is guzzling drinks, or concerned with getting as much as possible before last call. I dont miss all those things about myself.
It feels good to be back in a social place, and to be doing it sober. It took me time to become an alcoholic and make a fool of myself socially, so i guess it will take some time to learn how to do things normally, or my way-the way the real me would interact.
Thanks again all
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
I agree Jabba, most alcoholics excel at hiding it. Just because you don't see it doesn't meen it isn't there.
I'm on the 3:00 o'clock train home from the city and there is a couple across from me drinking, he's got 2 coronas, she's got a mixed drink. The ride is an hour long. The sad thing is drinking two beers on the train home is pretty normal here.
I'm on the 3:00 o'clock train home from the city and there is a couple across from me drinking, he's got 2 coronas, she's got a mixed drink. The ride is an hour long. The sad thing is drinking two beers on the train home is pretty normal here.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 426
hey at one time having two coronas was not an issue for me.......it was perfectly normal.........what it became was the 2 more once I got home that I would drink in the open and the 2 more mixed with a few gulps of vodka in secret and becoming wasted.....was an issue.
Everybody has some sort of issue......we just were lucky enough to have identified our issue as a PROBLEM.....and did something about it.
Everybody has some sort of issue......we just were lucky enough to have identified our issue as a PROBLEM.....and did something about it.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
One of the things I learned about myself was that I don't like socializing as much as I did when I was drinking. Clearly the alcohol made me more comfortable in social situations. But, I still enjoy going on and spending time with family/friends and have a lot of fun with no alcohol involved. I just am more comfortable with myself and enjoy spending time at home too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hmmm, I think the pertinent question for my young friends on the train might be how much they had before getting on the train. They are snogging and barely able to sit up.
Well, this Saturday shall be interesting...last party I went to without alcohol was probably in HS!
Well, this Saturday shall be interesting...last party I went to without alcohol was probably in HS!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,369
hi HIgby
Before I started drinking I was never very garrulous with people unless I knew them well...and now I'm sober I'm still not LOL.
The difference is I'm learning it's ok to be me....whatever that is
The advice about the more you do it the more comfortable you get is right tho....
social interaction is a skill to be developed just like any other
D
Before I started drinking I was never very garrulous with people unless I knew them well...and now I'm sober I'm still not LOL.
The difference is I'm learning it's ok to be me....whatever that is
The advice about the more you do it the more comfortable you get is right tho....
social interaction is a skill to be developed just like any other
D
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I don't enjoy socializing where drinking is the "main event". I don't have any great desire to drink, I'm simply bored.
I'd rather socialize with people in a non-drinking setting. I don't go to cocktail parties unless I "have" to, and I leave as soon as I decently can.
I don't think that makes me a social misfit. I don't like going to sporting events, either, and I never have--not even when I was drinking. Not everyone is a "party person".
I'd rather socialize with people in a non-drinking setting. I don't go to cocktail parties unless I "have" to, and I leave as soon as I decently can.
I don't think that makes me a social misfit. I don't like going to sporting events, either, and I never have--not even when I was drinking. Not everyone is a "party person".
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: dayton, oh
Posts: 487
I enjoy spending time with friends and family so much more now that I am sober. Before I was always worried about appearing drunk, slurring my words or losing the buzz. I was horrible conversationalist and missed most of the party. It is way better now.
I have noticed a negative trait in myself during social situations. I have noticed that certain people in my circle, not friends, are pretty boring or akward to converse with if they have not had a drink or too. I mentioned to my husband that I felt bad enjoying their company more after they have had a drink.
SH
I have noticed a negative trait in myself during social situations. I have noticed that certain people in my circle, not friends, are pretty boring or akward to converse with if they have not had a drink or too. I mentioned to my husband that I felt bad enjoying their company more after they have had a drink.
SH
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