DUNE

First thing I want to say is thank you to everyone that comes to this web site and to everyone that made it. These post have been so helpfull, but staying sober has been such a strugle for me. And I'm still trying to figure out how to beet this thing.

I hope I don't sound like one big ramble, but I have been trying to stay sober for the past 8 months and it has been a real strugle and very frustrating. I just made it 33 days and then went back to drinking about 5 days ago. I'm at about 30 hours of being sober and am just so disgusted with myself for going through this process all over again.

I just feel like I'm on this downward spiral of making my life more difficult and misirable for myself, and am really scared that it's not going to stop.

I am so sick of drinking, and so sick of fighting to stay sober. I just wan't this cycle to end and to be normal again. I know it can happen, but I'm doing something wrong here and am worried that I won't be able to figure it out.

I won't go into all the details right now, but life has been really difficult lately and even though my situation could be worse, I just feel like life is slowly caving in on me right now.

I'm sorry for being such a crybaby about this, but right now, especially at hour 30 of being sober again, I just feel like giving up. Right now I feel like I'm working twards a mental breakdown. I'm really scared that I'm going to loose my mind, and end up being another one that ends up drinking to the point of being alone, depressed and dead.

Once again, thank you everyone for reading and I greatly appreciate any responces or advice.

Dune

suki44883

Sorry you're having such a tough time. 33 days is great! Have you considered finding an AA meeting in your area where you can get face-to-face support? SR is a great tool, but it doesn't take the place of face-to-face support if you are struggling.

LexieCat

I second Suki's suggestion. How much more are you willing to suffer? Are you ready to be DONE with the drama?

The great thing about walking into an AA meeting is you can walk out with a sense of hope.

You really CAN be done with this. What it took for me was complete surrender--admitting that my own best efforts weren't getting anywhere. Once I dropped the rope, and admitted that I couldn't beat it on my own, something changed. It no longer was a struggle not to drink.

DayTrader

Just my experience but when I've used the term "trying to........" it really meant "making as small an effort as I thought I could get away with."

Again, this is just for me, but when I hear myself thinking or saying the works "I'm trying..." it's my ego talking - and it's about to tell a big fat lie.

Kmber2010

Glad you posted Dune and are sharing. Stay strong and do it different this time.

Looking forward to the journey!!

Dee74

Welcome back Dune.

I remember being stuck in a place very like where you must be.
I didn't want to drink, but I couldn't not drink with the way my life was.

Time and again I'd return to drinking...and things, already bad, got worse.

Maybe trying out a programme (or two?) may help you work out whats up and what you need to do?

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

D

DUNE

Thanks for the responces everyone. Just so you all know, I have been to aa when I first started trying to be sober. I went to different meetings and talked to a lot of people, but I didn't get much out of it after a while. I just felt like I was going through the motions of attending a meeting every day. This web site seems much more effective for some reason. I'm not sure what it was, maybe i just didn't meet the right people at those meetings or I didn't have the right person as a sponsor. I just felt like there wasn't a strong connection between the people I met and myself. I do plan on going to meetings again, and definitely sticking with this site. I feel that I get a lot more information here, especially with all of your combined exspiriences and knowlege.

Daytrader, I definitely agree with you that "trying" isn't the right attitude. Even though I use that word, I definitely got to the point with my drinking where I don't ever wan't to drink again, and have that die hard attitude about it. But I can't seem to figure out why this keeps happening. It's like my mind is tricking me sometimes. Finding reasons or a way to justify doing it again. Like i'm stranded on a island with no water, but I start drinking sea water, even though I know full well that it will kill me faster.

suki44883

SR is a wonderful place with wonderful people who are ready to support you in your efforts to live a sober life. The thing about AA is, each meeting is made up of different people. If the first place you try doesn't feel right, there are others where the people and many times the attitudes are different. It's a lot like churches in that you may have to try several until you find the one where you feel comfortable.

Dee74

SR is wonderful Dune - but if you're still drinking, you owe it to yourself to ask if it's enough.

Even if you never go back to AA theres no reason not to try something else.

D

artsoul

Hi Dune - I'm sorry your life is problematic right now. I think a lot of us have had things to deal with in early sobriety, and it seems like "why me, why now?"I had to remember that I can only deal with sobriety and life one day at a time. One thing at a time. If I do nothing else today but stay sober, I've already accomplished something.

I don't know if you've ever been evaluated by a psychologist or psychiatrist, but if the stress is unbearable or you're having a great deal of depression, you might want to consider those options. I've had those feelings of wondering if I was going to have a mental breakdown, too. Alcohol is definitely not the right medicine I found out.

Believe that you're worth getting sober for, and that life can be better, much better. Hang in there D!

LaFemme

Hi Dune, I'm one of those that drank to the point where I was alone and depressed, and felt like death, lucky for me I didn't die.

If AA hasn't worked for you have you looked into SMART or lifering? You are in SF I would think there are plenty of options there. Maybe cast your net a little wider.

Good luck, I'm rootin for you!

RobertHugh

Hey Dune.

Alcoholism is a disease that wants me dead but will settle for me drunk. The worst part of it is that we are the last to realize just how insane we are.

There were times that I would wake up in the morning and swear off drinking. If you'd given me a lie-detector test, I would have passed it-- I was absolutely certain that I was not going to drink that night.

And then, "suddenly" happened.

Suddenly, I realized that I wasn't going to be able to fall asleep with out alcohol.

Suddenly, I thought that just a six pack would help me wean myself off.

Suddenly, I thought that the vow of that morning might have been an overreaction.

And this is how the disease works. It will kill slowly, with this sort of deception, until we realize that we're powerless.

Three words: power, choice and control. Have you lost them as they relate to alcohol?

Do you believe there is no defense against the first drink? It's what alcoholism is-- the complete lack of willpower in matters of drink. There are no tricks, no slogans, no words of inspiration that will keep the truly alcoholic away from a drink.

Utter hopelessness. Until.

We approach recovery with the desperation of a drowning man. The same person will drink again, eventually. A changed person-- someone who has undergone what the AA Big Book calls a "vital spiritual experience"-- can recover and not want to drink anymore. Ever again.

I had to put aside all my discomfort with matters spiritual and religious and dive in. My life depended on it. They reassured me that if I did the work-- exhaustively doing a moral inventory-- I would find relief, and would begin to sense a different sort of power operating in my life.

And it has all happened.

That is the how and why of it.

DayTrader

I still "try" a lot myself.... sometimes it works too. I just have to keep an eye on myself though....a lot of my "trying" isn't really the best I can do.

You're right about the mind playing tricks and I love the sea water analogy. I think I'll steal it - lol. All those tricks - they were part of my powerlessness over alcohol. It didn't matter how much I didn't want to drink, I could always find a way to outfox myself. It sucked to admit that to myself (at first it was just suuuuuch a blow to my ego and pride) but it was part of the path I needed to take. Once I realized I had no shot staying sober on my own....I was left with continuing to drink OR finding some power outside of myself.

Keep at it....and keep "trying" (heh)! You'll get there.

CarolD

Please check out the link Dee posted.


Many of us had false starts before we finally quit drinking.
Gee! I lost track of how many times I had Day 1's.

My experience.....When I began working my AA Steps
I felt a mental shift....
.from often shakey sobriety into solid recovery...

All my best as you move forward....

keithj

To be blunt, Dune, that's because there is not much to get out of talking to people and going to different meetings.

There is a life changing world of spiritual discovery that leads to long term, contended sobriety out of taking the 12 Steps, but hanging around just ain't going to cut it for most of us.

This website seems more effective, you say? I would urge you to be careful of ideas like this. Nothing against the website at all, but is the statement true? You are unable to stay sober, so ideas of effectiveness might be a little skewed.

Maybe it just feels better, but is not sufficient to keep you sober. That's how it looks from the outside.

Best of luck to you. If you're interested in doing what others have done to get sober, I'm sure we can help.

stanleyhouse

Dune
LaFemme mentioned SMART. I went to SMART meetings and a treatment center based on cognitive behaviour therapy. I use the tools I learned everyday dealing with all life's situations. Right now your body is telling you that drinking is a good idea because you are still physically addicted to alcohol. The body tells the mind to tell you to relieve the pain. Next time you think about drinking, ask yourself, how is that going to help and fill in a specific situation.
When I came home from treatment my dog was very sick and even though I wanted to drink because I was sad. I kept asking myself how is drinking going to help my dog? I won't be able to lift him, drive him or talk to anybody at the vet. I think that situation got me through the second month but i couldn't have done it without the tools I had learned from CBT.
I have another comment on physical addiction. As you get sober time you will come across days that you really want to drink, it can be a month, two months, at six months. It is important to recognize that physical addiction stays with our bodies for a long time. So if you don't feel "quite right" and you are preoccupied with alcohol it could be your body is saying ok I'm ready, lets start again. If we can recognize what's happening it helps us fight the urge to drink.
SH

Jabbadabutt

I second that comment about recognizing what is going on. When things were really bad i wa soften able to identify that the only reason i wanted a drink is because I was withdrawing and my body craved it.....sometimes I laughed it off and strived to get better (by not drinking) and sometimes I used it s an excuse to have one drink.....which lead to many more.....then repeat the cycle.

We need to be aware of our mental AND physical state and physiology to understand why we feel how we do....and then what to do as a result. Sometimes just knowing that it is a natural craving because we created a physical addiction (like smoking/food/etc) we can fend it off as long as we stay mentally in the game

hotshot

Being sober does not cure you. Knowledge and support. You have to remain sober to get the other two to work. Youneed to stay sober to make good decisions a foggy mind amkes for bad decisions as we all know..............Good Luck................Please remain sober so you can make good choices.