Owning Up to Self-Sabotage
Ethanol Intolerant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Owning Up to Self-Sabotage
I kinda got my wee-wee in a ringer. All of the stuff at work I have been letting slide is converging and the result will play out over the next few days. On some level I know I did this on purpose. I have been working here for 19 years and managing this office for over twelve. This is not not new stuff, and well within my capabilites.When I was drinking I did this sort of thing to maintain a stress level that justified my drinking. Three weeks sober, I can’t help but think that some part of me maintained this predicament to create situatution where I would have an excuse to drink.
Regardless of my motivation, the result is solid walls of stress breaking over me like an ocean wave. For you surfers out there I am being washing machined. Holding my breath waiting for the wave to pass and hoping to get enough air to survive the next impact. I am paralyzed, unable to look at the mess I have created, and unable to just walk away.
Someone much smarter than me recently told me that stress is a reaction to not having your needs met. I don’t doubt the truth of this statement, but I don’t find it very helpful either. I’ve known it was time for career change for years, but with a son in college and another not far behind, the timing sucks. I know that drinking will not help, and it will only delay the next impact at the same time adding force to it. I guess some days you just have to hold on.
Just yestersday I was marveling at moving on from mere abstinence. As Neo pointed out a day or so ago I must keep gratitude for this second chance in my heart. I love therefore I am. For my chrsitian friends here on SR feel free to pray for me, for my neo-pagan friends feel free to sacrifce a small animal, (please do not waste a virgin – I’ll make it). I appreciate any and all positive thoughts coming my way. Forgive the melodrama, and thank you for the space to whine.
Namaste
Regardless of my motivation, the result is solid walls of stress breaking over me like an ocean wave. For you surfers out there I am being washing machined. Holding my breath waiting for the wave to pass and hoping to get enough air to survive the next impact. I am paralyzed, unable to look at the mess I have created, and unable to just walk away.
Someone much smarter than me recently told me that stress is a reaction to not having your needs met. I don’t doubt the truth of this statement, but I don’t find it very helpful either. I’ve known it was time for career change for years, but with a son in college and another not far behind, the timing sucks. I know that drinking will not help, and it will only delay the next impact at the same time adding force to it. I guess some days you just have to hold on.
Just yestersday I was marveling at moving on from mere abstinence. As Neo pointed out a day or so ago I must keep gratitude for this second chance in my heart. I love therefore I am. For my chrsitian friends here on SR feel free to pray for me, for my neo-pagan friends feel free to sacrifce a small animal, (please do not waste a virgin – I’ll make it). I appreciate any and all positive thoughts coming my way. Forgive the melodrama, and thank you for the space to whine.
Namaste
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
Other than saying, nothing is worth taking that first drink the only other thing I can get out of this is, maybe correcting whatever it is you caused, might be an honest way. But it is real difficult to even give any other suggestions without having any idea of just what it is that you did on purpose to create this.
I'll keep you in my prayers, it seems like it is about the only thing I can do.
Harry
I'll keep you in my prayers, it seems like it is about the only thing I can do.
Harry
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
OMG, that is SO where I am right now. I have all this self-created STRESS that becomes sometimes overwhelming. I'm also trying to figure out how to get from under. I've used procrastination and self-created "emergencies" for so long it's very hard indeed to break out from the pattern.
Example: I stayed home to get some work done on a project I have to complete for work (took a vacation day). I've spent much of the day on the computer.
SR is good, but I'm avoiding the stress of having to actually DEAL with this project I stayed home to work on. I won't even go into the condition of my house.
It's stuff like this that makes me think I really need to get into serious step work with my sponsor. I've been avoiding that, too, but I think my discomfort has gotten to the level where I am going to HAVE to do it. I have a feeling it will help with some of the dysfunctional ways that I still live, now that alcohol is out of the picture.
So I don't have much help to offer, but I will be following this thread, and sharing your pain.
Cyberhugs, good vibes, prayers, healing thoughts for us both.
Example: I stayed home to get some work done on a project I have to complete for work (took a vacation day). I've spent much of the day on the computer.
SR is good, but I'm avoiding the stress of having to actually DEAL with this project I stayed home to work on. I won't even go into the condition of my house.
It's stuff like this that makes me think I really need to get into serious step work with my sponsor. I've been avoiding that, too, but I think my discomfort has gotten to the level where I am going to HAVE to do it. I have a feeling it will help with some of the dysfunctional ways that I still live, now that alcohol is out of the picture.
So I don't have much help to offer, but I will be following this thread, and sharing your pain.
Cyberhugs, good vibes, prayers, healing thoughts for us both.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
Man, it's hard when you stop drinking and realize that some of your problems are worse. Myself, I would get drunk and miss the whole of whatever was causing me stress. After I got sober, I was present in both mind and body for every excruciating moment.
You do have a responsibility to your family; however, you need to take care of yourself, too. I'm going to say two things that may make me unpopular here.
1) It doesn't hurt young people to chip in on their own college education. I went to college in my late 20s. I applied for grants and scholarships and my 4-year degree only cost me $4,000 and some change. Of course, I went to a nearby college and had housing because I was married. I found that I worked harder because I was making the effort to finance my own education.
2) A college education does not necessarily equal a good job these days. If your sons aren't interested enough to help pay for their own educations, they might be better off learning a trade. I'm telling you, it's pretty easy these days have a 4-year degree and work at McDonalds because you got a degree just to be getting one or because it was expected of you. If your sons aren't interested in working toward a specific career goal with their college work, this might be something to think about.
You can take or leave what I've said here. The only thing that really matters is for you to work out how you can stay sober. Please do that.
You do have a responsibility to your family; however, you need to take care of yourself, too. I'm going to say two things that may make me unpopular here.
1) It doesn't hurt young people to chip in on their own college education. I went to college in my late 20s. I applied for grants and scholarships and my 4-year degree only cost me $4,000 and some change. Of course, I went to a nearby college and had housing because I was married. I found that I worked harder because I was making the effort to finance my own education.
2) A college education does not necessarily equal a good job these days. If your sons aren't interested enough to help pay for their own educations, they might be better off learning a trade. I'm telling you, it's pretty easy these days have a 4-year degree and work at McDonalds because you got a degree just to be getting one or because it was expected of you. If your sons aren't interested in working toward a specific career goal with their college work, this might be something to think about.
You can take or leave what I've said here. The only thing that really matters is for you to work out how you can stay sober. Please do that.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Sorry, I read your thread so fast, saying yes, Yes, YES! that I missed the part where you said you are three weeks sober.
I'm two years sober, so that just goes to show ya. Sobriety doesn't fix everything.
Still, I can tell you this. You CAN survive the stress. Breathe. A drink isn't what you need, it's a clear head and a sense of responsibility.
I have gone to bosses and let them know that things have gotten into a bit of a mess. I've admitted my responsibility for the mess and gone to them with a plan for getting things back on track.
I don't know your job or your bosses, but often it's better to deal with these situations proactively. If you feel they would be understanding, you might let them know you've had some personal issues you have been dealing with, that you have taken steps to address those issues, and that you intend to do everything you can to get the work back on track.
Often the fear we get from catstrophizing keeps us from doing anything effective. Yeah, I'm talking to myself, here, too.
I'm two years sober, so that just goes to show ya. Sobriety doesn't fix everything.
Still, I can tell you this. You CAN survive the stress. Breathe. A drink isn't what you need, it's a clear head and a sense of responsibility.
I have gone to bosses and let them know that things have gotten into a bit of a mess. I've admitted my responsibility for the mess and gone to them with a plan for getting things back on track.
I don't know your job or your bosses, but often it's better to deal with these situations proactively. If you feel they would be understanding, you might let them know you've had some personal issues you have been dealing with, that you have taken steps to address those issues, and that you intend to do everything you can to get the work back on track.
Often the fear we get from catstrophizing keeps us from doing anything effective. Yeah, I'm talking to myself, here, too.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I feel your pain, I have let things slip in the business arena for the last year. I am in sales, but it is also a very high stressed service oriented business, where stuff HAS TO BE THERE on time, and usually over night. I have taken alot of (unknown to my employer), time off to drink, and now to work on recovery. I have done the most minimal over the past year to get by and hit numbers and keep customers happy. Now I am in procrastination mode, trying to get things rectified as far as operational issues, and bringing on new clients, and I have been having a hard time getting started. I used to use the excuse of the high stress levels and the number of issues in my occupation as a reason to drink and drink heavily, lately I have just been ignoring the issues to deal with staying sober, now is the time, (thanks to your post), to get active again and right the ship!! You can do it too!!
That being said, the journey of a million miles starts with the first step, and today I am going to take 3 or 4 steps to get back on track and then build on it tomorrow.
That being said, the journey of a million miles starts with the first step, and today I am going to take 3 or 4 steps to get back on track and then build on it tomorrow.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hola!
Well, like I mentioned the other day, I used to bury my head in the sand with drinking and other escapist habits. I've spent the past month, dealing with the worst of those habits (the drinking obviously) and now I am working on other aspects of the same problem.
I also have a host of crap that I've self-propagated that I now need to deal with, without the crutch of alcohol, which let's face it isn't any crutch at all.
So, I am starting with the problems that are easiest to deal with and hopefully fix and moving forward from there (ummm like the fear of the inbox and what might be lurking there). And boy is it scary...but I keep reminding myself that the reason I am dealing with these things is because of my escapist habits, which I need to address.
Hope this makes sense. You have reminded me of some things I need to do today.
One of which is to go out and find something to sacrifice for you;-)
Well, like I mentioned the other day, I used to bury my head in the sand with drinking and other escapist habits. I've spent the past month, dealing with the worst of those habits (the drinking obviously) and now I am working on other aspects of the same problem.
I also have a host of crap that I've self-propagated that I now need to deal with, without the crutch of alcohol, which let's face it isn't any crutch at all.
So, I am starting with the problems that are easiest to deal with and hopefully fix and moving forward from there (ummm like the fear of the inbox and what might be lurking there). And boy is it scary...but I keep reminding myself that the reason I am dealing with these things is because of my escapist habits, which I need to address.
Hope this makes sense. You have reminded me of some things I need to do today.
One of which is to go out and find something to sacrifice for you;-)
Ethanol Intolerant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Thanks guys, I am nose to the grindstone right now I am trying to fix some things, so I cannot respond with the detail I should to express my true appreciation. Thank you will have to do for now.
Ethanol Intolerant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
It is 9:30 pm on the left coast and I just got home from the office. All alone in the office with cold beers in the fridge and a 13 hour day - talk about a trigger. I opened the fridge clinked the bottles together and laughed, there is just no feeling there. Drinking is something I used to do. Hopefully it stays that way.
Harry - Thank you, you are right praying is about all you can do. I let things slide, I have to accept the consequences and do my best to get out of this mess.
Lexie - Keep at it, we will both get through this. I would hate to tell you how many vacation days I have wasted working.
lildawg - He is working, and he worked very hard in High School and earning a full IB diploma which got his first year physics, calculus, chemistry, and lit out of the way plus about $5K in scholarships. He is one of the few that should really go to college. Still we are the hook for about $20k/yr, we can manage, I just can't be unemployed right now.
supercrew - I am glad my suffering was a kick in pants for you
Keep at it.
LF - Thank you, I don't have an inbox but I dread that blinking phone. I would suggest drowning a lobster in salted boiling water and anointing him with ceremonial butter and garlic with a little rosemary.
Harry - Thank you, you are right praying is about all you can do. I let things slide, I have to accept the consequences and do my best to get out of this mess.
Lexie - Keep at it, we will both get through this. I would hate to tell you how many vacation days I have wasted working.
lildawg - He is working, and he worked very hard in High School and earning a full IB diploma which got his first year physics, calculus, chemistry, and lit out of the way plus about $5K in scholarships. He is one of the few that should really go to college. Still we are the hook for about $20k/yr, we can manage, I just can't be unemployed right now.
supercrew - I am glad my suffering was a kick in pants for you
Keep at it.LF - Thank you, I don't have an inbox but I dread that blinking phone. I would suggest drowning a lobster in salted boiling water and anointing him with ceremonial butter and garlic with a little rosemary.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Bowling Green KY
Posts: 275
bless you recycle....i have one son that just graduated college and another that is a senior in h.s. so i can really relate to where you are in life. i'm not gonna lie....i'd be terrified of starting over.
that said, we only get one life and if the job you're in is causing massive stress even if it is self-imposed....i can see why you have set it up this way to force you to make a move.
i'm hoping for the best for you amigo. loved the line about sacrificing a small animal for you. i'll see if i can sacrifice some spiders to my bootheel today when i'm working on my son's house. i'll send one up for you for each daddy longleg i send packing into the afterlife.
that said, we only get one life and if the job you're in is causing massive stress even if it is self-imposed....i can see why you have set it up this way to force you to make a move.
i'm hoping for the best for you amigo. loved the line about sacrificing a small animal for you. i'll see if i can sacrifice some spiders to my bootheel today when i'm working on my son's house. i'll send one up for you for each daddy longleg i send packing into the afterlife.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by recycle 
This is not new stuff, and well within my capabilites.When I was drinking I did this sort of thing to maintain a stress level that justified my drinking. Three weeks sober, I can’t help but think that some part of me maintained this predicament to create situatution where I would have an excuse to drink.
) at work. I do my main job, but things like paperwork and "housekeeping" chores I have let slide.... and there will be a perfect storm soon, if I don't reach out and come clean, in a way, and ask for assistance. Like you I am in a position I have held for many years... also, I have two in college, two more on deck. Like lexicat, I am two years into this recovery journey.My experience with the feelings you describe.... the stress, the justification... well, I'll give it a try here...
I've been wrestling with resentment. Resentment that I can't use alcohol as stress relief, ever... can't be like normal people, noooo! Resentment too, that I did become addicted, in the first place... easy to blame my high stress career, you know? This resentment mostly effects my pride, but also brings up other things like envy and then I forget to be grateful...
This resentment builds and then I just start to p1ss all over everything... career, family, hobbies, fitness (I like to bicycle ride... 15 - 20 miles a day, most days).... things like that. I withdraw into my little sober world and find much less productive things to do.... I become less reachable, I isolate....
Resentment that effects my pride... it has to go!! I have to get rid of it... it's corrosive and is threatening everything I hold dear. (I have a very effective way to deal with that resentment, it involves taking some steps...
)Hmm..., what do I want to say?... You know that person who is "smarter" than you? The one who said that stress is the result of having one's needs unmet? .... I think that could be a dangerous state of mind, my friend.... for a couple of reasons... It ain't stress, it's resentment... Resentment is what will take you back out.....
And now you find yourself alone in the office with a fridge full of beer? With this "stress" of "unmet needs" on top of your anxiety about your job? You are three weeks sober... Do you see a problem here?
Recovery is a lot more than not drinking, I know, duh, we hear it over and over... and it's an ongoing process which we never get perfect because we are only human. Find a recovery program that will help you get at the root of things...
Thanx, I needed your post this morning. I hope you are doing well today!
Mark
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
You seem to have a good sense of humor. That helps to carry you through the tough spots. And as you said you have your nose to the grindstone. While you're doing that, can you also keep your shoulder to the wheel? (And make sure that the chickens don't come home to roost). Hope so! Good luck.
Ethanol Intolerant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Originally Posted by wpainterw
...as you said you have your nose to the grindstone. While you're doing that, can you also keep your shoulder to the wheel?
Mark, I am going to have to ponder your comments for a while. I do not feel any conscious resentment towards not drinking. If I never have another drink for the rest of my life, I will have had a hell of a lot to drink in my life. I just don't see a future in drinking.
AFM Thank you.
capra laeviculus
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: German Village, OH
Posts: 3,427
I came very close to getting my wee-wee in a ringer (I like that one, heh) with my most recent drunk.
My kids are a little younger, but with two ex-wives I can ill-afford to be unemployed.
I was onsite with one of my customers three weeks ago and I was drunk for the first half and badly hung over for the second half of the visit.
How it is that they didn't call me out on that one I don't know. I think I got real lucky.
And I begged out of work yesterday and today, causing them to reassign some of my work to one of their employees.
And I have another contract that I have let slide completely. They finally called me on it this week and I had to scramble to save it (while drunk, naturally).
Boy, this stuff is much harder while I'm trying to balance an addiction at the same time.
Procrastination definitely turns into a trigger for me. When things get messy I want the problems to just vanish for a while. The problem is that the mess gets worse while I'm passed out.
Thanks recycle, and thanks to everyone who responded. I think I need to get this in order if I plan to stay sober this time.
-Goat
My kids are a little younger, but with two ex-wives I can ill-afford to be unemployed.
I was onsite with one of my customers three weeks ago and I was drunk for the first half and badly hung over for the second half of the visit.
How it is that they didn't call me out on that one I don't know. I think I got real lucky.
And I begged out of work yesterday and today, causing them to reassign some of my work to one of their employees.
And I have another contract that I have let slide completely. They finally called me on it this week and I had to scramble to save it (while drunk, naturally).
Boy, this stuff is much harder while I'm trying to balance an addiction at the same time.
Procrastination definitely turns into a trigger for me. When things get messy I want the problems to just vanish for a while. The problem is that the mess gets worse while I'm passed out.
Thanks recycle, and thanks to everyone who responded. I think I need to get this in order if I plan to stay sober this time.
-Goat
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Let's see, I can relate to every bit of your post.......(two kids, one in college, one who will be next year), single mom, artist (in a no-money-for-luxuries-like-artwork-economy), and way too old to have a second career, minimum wage won't cut it etc. etc. etc.
While yours, mine and several others folks' waterfowl are running in all directions, I believe that sometimes the only saving grace is gratitude. Sounds crazy, but when I was having to refinance my house (which I was/am in danger of losing), I started counting my blessings: Today I'm not in the hospital. I have friends and family that love me. I know that I'm a spiritual being, not limited to this body. I have a roof over my head (today, anyway). My children have been fed and they are healthy. I'm sober. And I could probably list dozens of other things if I had to.
Spend just 2-3 minutes thinking of all the great things about your life. And remember to "do" your life just like your sobriety: one day (or one thing) at a time. Oh, and give yourself a little love and forgiveness, too. You're worth it....
While yours, mine and several others folks' waterfowl are running in all directions, I believe that sometimes the only saving grace is gratitude. Sounds crazy, but when I was having to refinance my house (which I was/am in danger of losing), I started counting my blessings: Today I'm not in the hospital. I have friends and family that love me. I know that I'm a spiritual being, not limited to this body. I have a roof over my head (today, anyway). My children have been fed and they are healthy. I'm sober. And I could probably list dozens of other things if I had to.
Spend just 2-3 minutes thinking of all the great things about your life. And remember to "do" your life just like your sobriety: one day (or one thing) at a time. Oh, and give yourself a little love and forgiveness, too. You're worth it....
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
I don't know if you are in AA or not, and although I am, I am not an AA evangelist.
That said, I found some answers working the steps and one of them was realizing how I used to work: I would procrastinate and allow things to build up to the breaking point then dive in and do a massive job.
I've learned now that working like that was part of being an alcoholic: my approach to work was that it had to be whole hog or nothing at all. Now I'm a lot more realistic.
A couple of days ago I told a client I would help her with a project but I admitted I didn't know anything about it and would have to learn a couple/ten new programs in order to help her. I wouldn't have said that kind of thing before. Now, she is aware that I need more time and that has taken a lot of pressure off, and we also decided not to have a deadline for it, also less pressure. And, she was comfortable with my honesty about not knowing how to do something. That is a level of honesty I used to avoid. Now it is very liberating to be realistic.
I don't know if my old method of working till the dams burst was a way of building up to drinking. I think it was just the nature of my alcoholic personality, but, it is an interesting question to ponder if indeed I worked like that to set myself up with triggers to drink.
In any event, I work very differently now and the stress level is something I'm able to handle.
They use the terms: "Keep it simple" for a reason! I didn't have a clue what on earth that phrase meant, for a long time, but now I think I am starting to get it!
That said, I found some answers working the steps and one of them was realizing how I used to work: I would procrastinate and allow things to build up to the breaking point then dive in and do a massive job.
I've learned now that working like that was part of being an alcoholic: my approach to work was that it had to be whole hog or nothing at all. Now I'm a lot more realistic.
A couple of days ago I told a client I would help her with a project but I admitted I didn't know anything about it and would have to learn a couple/ten new programs in order to help her. I wouldn't have said that kind of thing before. Now, she is aware that I need more time and that has taken a lot of pressure off, and we also decided not to have a deadline for it, also less pressure. And, she was comfortable with my honesty about not knowing how to do something. That is a level of honesty I used to avoid. Now it is very liberating to be realistic.
I don't know if my old method of working till the dams burst was a way of building up to drinking. I think it was just the nature of my alcoholic personality, but, it is an interesting question to ponder if indeed I worked like that to set myself up with triggers to drink.
In any event, I work very differently now and the stress level is something I'm able to handle.
They use the terms: "Keep it simple" for a reason! I didn't have a clue what on earth that phrase meant, for a long time, but now I think I am starting to get it!
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Yeah, I'm a suffering perfectionist, too, and have the tendency to resist doing anything at all if I can't do it perfectly. I know, and intellectually believe, the saying, "Perfect is the enemy of good enough," but I have a hard time internalizing it.
I'm used to taking my time to do an excellent job on my projects at work. Last year, I got a new assignment with a CRUSHING workload, and no prospects for any help. There just isn't enough staff to have anyone else work on these projects. So I get resentful that I feel I'm in a no-win situation--I can either do a half-assed job on them or I can do them right and be constantly badgered about when it's going to be done. To make matters worse, my predecessor seemed to get everything done with very little stress.
Clearly, I have to lower my standards with respect to at least some of these projects, and pick out the few that really require my attention and best effort. I'm having trouble making that transition.
The funny thing is that the project I've been stressing over for the past week it turns out will conclude with very little fanfare, and it was actually only one small thing that I needed to provide to reach that result. I wasted a lot of emotional energy on something that turned out to be fairly simple.
It's very easy for me to get overwhelmed to the point where I can't think straight. I have to find ways other than drinking to tune the noise down to a dull roar so I can focus on what I am doing. Drinking DID do that for me, to some extent, but there were way too many adverse consequences. I have to learn to do it without drinking. It's a skill I never really mastered.
I'm used to taking my time to do an excellent job on my projects at work. Last year, I got a new assignment with a CRUSHING workload, and no prospects for any help. There just isn't enough staff to have anyone else work on these projects. So I get resentful that I feel I'm in a no-win situation--I can either do a half-assed job on them or I can do them right and be constantly badgered about when it's going to be done. To make matters worse, my predecessor seemed to get everything done with very little stress.
Clearly, I have to lower my standards with respect to at least some of these projects, and pick out the few that really require my attention and best effort. I'm having trouble making that transition.
The funny thing is that the project I've been stressing over for the past week it turns out will conclude with very little fanfare, and it was actually only one small thing that I needed to provide to reach that result. I wasted a lot of emotional energy on something that turned out to be fairly simple.
It's very easy for me to get overwhelmed to the point where I can't think straight. I have to find ways other than drinking to tune the noise down to a dull roar so I can focus on what I am doing. Drinking DID do that for me, to some extent, but there were way too many adverse consequences. I have to learn to do it without drinking. It's a skill I never really mastered.
Ethanol Intolerant
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
I seemed to have got my work stress under control. I just took all my bad projects and put them in box and shoved them under my desk - lol.
Not really, I chugged through some of the worst of it, and got help with some others. I put way too many hours in, which I know is dangerous for me. I am trying to make progress without feeding off the stress - if that makes any sense. Tonight I am trying to chill. Finding a balance is tough for me.
Peace, and be nice to your selves.
Not really, I chugged through some of the worst of it, and got help with some others. I put way too many hours in, which I know is dangerous for me. I am trying to make progress without feeding off the stress - if that makes any sense. Tonight I am trying to chill. Finding a balance is tough for me.
Peace, and be nice to your selves.
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