Finally hit rock bottom
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by LexieCat 
Good luck, I recommend drinking lots of water.
Can you make it to an AA meeting tonight?
Can you make it to an AA meeting tonight?
I went to a restaurant someone from work and had dinner and a couple pops. It was the most I'd eaten in days and it actually tasted good. I was feeling pretty depressed about my situation, but that took my mind off it for now. If I can sleep tonight, I'll be good, and I have plans for tomorrow.
I've never tried AA, but we don't have a lot of meetings here. And in a few days, I won't be able to drive. I don't know hardly anyone here in town, and have no family, so getting to and from court appointments, meetings, and work is going to be really tough. Public transportation isn't any option, and I don't even think we have cabs. I guess I can get a work permit, maybe in 45 days. Something I need to really look into tomorrow. How does anyone else handle this, if they got an OWI. If they won't let you drive with an interlock, I am not sure how they expect a single (soon to be) person to manage this, make commitments, get treatment, etc. The fines for driving while revoked are really scary. They can cease your vehicle.
Anyhow, watching TV, something I haven't done in probably 3 years.
Not to say AA wouldn't help, but this forum really helps. There is always somebody to chat with.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,905
We're open 24/7 and you can always find someone here to talk to. The thing about AA is that you will have face-to-face support and you might also find people who can help you with transportation. They do stuff like that as a way of helping out another alcoholic. You're going to have to figure out some way to get to where you need to go, so it's worth a shot and who knows, you might just enjoy the meetings.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Keep hanging in there, Benny! Around the third day or fourth day was when I began to feel a new strength. It's crazy to think about our problems during the first few days, I think. We're already dealing with so much physically, mentally and emotionally. So take some deep breaths and and focus on your sobriety as the #1 thing.
Did you give up on the idea of treatment? I was just thinking that it might really help you get through the next months if you were able to do 30 days inpatient. You wouldn't have to drive anywhere, would get all the tools you need to stay sober and could focus on getting through this stressful time (court, divorce, stuff like that).
Whatever you do, know that you've now got friends who understand.
Sleeping sucks at first, but someone once told me that just closing your eyes and resting you get 90% of the benefit.
Did you give up on the idea of treatment? I was just thinking that it might really help you get through the next months if you were able to do 30 days inpatient. You wouldn't have to drive anywhere, would get all the tools you need to stay sober and could focus on getting through this stressful time (court, divorce, stuff like that).
Whatever you do, know that you've now got friends who understand.
Sleeping sucks at first, but someone once told me that just closing your eyes and resting you get 90% of the benefit.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 22
Yeah, that is pretty much what I do, go to bed around now, close my eyes, and lay there, looking at the clock every hour till around 3-4, then wake up with the alarm at 6.
I'm planning to do my eval next week, while I can still drive. Attorney is hoping maybe I can do 7 days in patient in place of my jail time.
I only went off the deep end when I finally found out my wife was leaving me. Before that, I was just binge drinking on the weekends, but often would drink during the day, becuase I had to. But I'd usually pull myself together for work on Monday. As it got closer to my wife leaving, I started to drink more, and would often miss work on Monday. Then one day I just took off, for my 30 day bender, which ended with the OWI. My life and health mean a lot to me, but keeping my job does too. I feel without it, and the money, I'll fall but into something even worse. I need to deal mentally with the loss of everything and stay sober, keep the job and start over. That's gonna be hard when you can't drive, dating, etc. And here I am now... 2 days isn't very far into this. Reading others posts, I have a very long way to go, as in years, and even then I recognize I'll still be recovering. BTW, I did do an outpatient program as part of my first OWI. It didn't with me well. I have a fiercly indepenet personallity.
I'm planning to do my eval next week, while I can still drive. Attorney is hoping maybe I can do 7 days in patient in place of my jail time.
I only went off the deep end when I finally found out my wife was leaving me. Before that, I was just binge drinking on the weekends, but often would drink during the day, becuase I had to. But I'd usually pull myself together for work on Monday. As it got closer to my wife leaving, I started to drink more, and would often miss work on Monday. Then one day I just took off, for my 30 day bender, which ended with the OWI. My life and health mean a lot to me, but keeping my job does too. I feel without it, and the money, I'll fall but into something even worse. I need to deal mentally with the loss of everything and stay sober, keep the job and start over. That's gonna be hard when you can't drive, dating, etc. And here I am now... 2 days isn't very far into this. Reading others posts, I have a very long way to go, as in years, and even then I recognize I'll still be recovering. BTW, I did do an outpatient program as part of my first OWI. It didn't with me well. I have a fiercly indepenet personallity.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I think most of us are "fiercely independent personalities".
What I found, though, was that to learn how to be sober you have to learn to do what other successfully sober people did.
If you were learning a dangerous skill or sport, like, say, scuba or sky diving, would you take a class and do what an instructor or a skilled participant told you to do? Or would you just say you were going to be "independent" and strap on the equipment any old way and jump into the middle of the ocean or out of the plane?
AA certainly isn't the only way to get sober and stay sober, but it's one of the most readily accessible. And there are a ton of people who have done what you are trying to accomplish, which can keep you from making mistakes based on your own idea of what is likely to work.
There's plenty of room to be independent and your own person--some of the strongest personalities I know I've met in the rooms of AA. I just prefer not to have to go through repeated relapses by getting sober through trial and error, when there is a way to do it that other people have already figured out.
What I found, though, was that to learn how to be sober you have to learn to do what other successfully sober people did.
If you were learning a dangerous skill or sport, like, say, scuba or sky diving, would you take a class and do what an instructor or a skilled participant told you to do? Or would you just say you were going to be "independent" and strap on the equipment any old way and jump into the middle of the ocean or out of the plane?
AA certainly isn't the only way to get sober and stay sober, but it's one of the most readily accessible. And there are a ton of people who have done what you are trying to accomplish, which can keep you from making mistakes based on your own idea of what is likely to work.
There's plenty of room to be independent and your own person--some of the strongest personalities I know I've met in the rooms of AA. I just prefer not to have to go through repeated relapses by getting sober through trial and error, when there is a way to do it that other people have already figured out.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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I guess you are right. I took a class to scuba dive, and rock climb. Never jumped out of a plain, I am deathly afraid of heights. Done both of them drunk, many times too. Tying knocks to rig up a top rope that other people's live's depend on, that was smart. Fortunetly, nothing bad ever happened.
I just came home from pretty much the only person I know in here. On the way home I drove past the bar that I have spent many of mights the last month at. I wanted to stop so bad, I told myself I would just get a soda. I just wanted to see some of the people I'd spent so much time with, talk to the bartenders, etc. But I told myself the last time I did that, 5 days ago, I woke up in jail.
So I am so glad I didn't. For the first time in about 30 days, I brushed my teeth, took off my clothes, pulled back the covers, turned on the fan, opened the patio door to watch the storm (I used to love to watch storms) and got in bed like a normal person, at a normal time. It feels rather weird, but really good. I think I might even sleep tonight. Somebody suggested Melotin (or something like that) as a sleep aid. Anyone tried it. It's a simple over the couter supplement, not something you get from the pharamcy.
I just wish I had my wife and dog next to me, and that I wasn't going to be looking for an appartment where I could walk to work from in a few weeks, selling the house we designed and built just months ago.
I just came home from pretty much the only person I know in here. On the way home I drove past the bar that I have spent many of mights the last month at. I wanted to stop so bad, I told myself I would just get a soda. I just wanted to see some of the people I'd spent so much time with, talk to the bartenders, etc. But I told myself the last time I did that, 5 days ago, I woke up in jail.
So I am so glad I didn't. For the first time in about 30 days, I brushed my teeth, took off my clothes, pulled back the covers, turned on the fan, opened the patio door to watch the storm (I used to love to watch storms) and got in bed like a normal person, at a normal time. It feels rather weird, but really good. I think I might even sleep tonight. Somebody suggested Melotin (or something like that) as a sleep aid. Anyone tried it. It's a simple over the couter supplement, not something you get from the pharamcy.
I just wish I had my wife and dog next to me, and that I wasn't going to be looking for an appartment where I could walk to work from in a few weeks, selling the house we designed and built just months ago.
Grouch and Brainstorm
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 238
Hey Benny.
Welcome.
I believe that detox is the closest thing to hell human beings can experience. It's a perfect storm of emotional torture and physical agony.
I don't know if you can relate to this, but I developed a different relationship with my body when I was drinking around the clock. You learn what you need, how long it will last, and you recognize the warning signs that your blood/alcohol level is reaching a dangerous (sober) area. Mondays were always the worst-- I usually failed at avoiding alcohol on Sundays, despite promises. There were weekends when I would come home from work on Friday night around 6, and start drinking and passing out and drinking and passing out until Sunday. I remember once waking up at dawn on Sunday...the clock said 5...and then turning on the TV and finding out it was 5PM Sunday. The panic that ensued-- Monday morning was that much closer-- was horrid.
Monday morning...I would usually wake up around 4:30, to the sound of birds...and utter panic. Vomiting. Sometimes trying to go out for a jog to try and clear my head and get some endorphins going (doctors later told me I could have dropped dead of a heart attack). Have you ever tried to run with the DTs? I tripped a lot.
At a certain point Monday morning, after showering and trying to will myself to get inspired for work, I would begin to think about how much alcohol I needed to get back to sea level. Cause I needed to function at work, and in my current state, I could not speak. Could I just have a few shots of vodka? Would it smell? Eventually, I would give in and drink... and as the alcohol hit my blood stream, things started to look rosier. I could do this. I would quit tomorrow. Today, it was about survival.
I'm a garden variety alcoholic, Benny. That means that I will drink until I die or wind up in jail, unless I'm able to recover. Sure, it may take years, but that's where I'm headed. 100,000 people die of alcoholism each year in the United States. Most of those deaths are rather unpleasant.
Here's the thing: you will start to feel better, restored. The poison leaves, the liver slows, and the ache for alcohol by every cell in your body grows dull.
The agony starts to fade. We grow strong. A resolve to never drink again becomes a resolve to never go through withdrawal again. Which becomes a resolve to never drink too much again.
This is alcoholism, up close and personal. The physical part is just the tip of the iceberg. I am plagued by a mental obsession to drink even when the detox is done-- a mental obsession stronger than every memory I can conjure.
Unless I pursue recovery.
There is a solution, and it works.
Welcome.
I believe that detox is the closest thing to hell human beings can experience. It's a perfect storm of emotional torture and physical agony.
I don't know if you can relate to this, but I developed a different relationship with my body when I was drinking around the clock. You learn what you need, how long it will last, and you recognize the warning signs that your blood/alcohol level is reaching a dangerous (sober) area. Mondays were always the worst-- I usually failed at avoiding alcohol on Sundays, despite promises. There were weekends when I would come home from work on Friday night around 6, and start drinking and passing out and drinking and passing out until Sunday. I remember once waking up at dawn on Sunday...the clock said 5...and then turning on the TV and finding out it was 5PM Sunday. The panic that ensued-- Monday morning was that much closer-- was horrid.
Monday morning...I would usually wake up around 4:30, to the sound of birds...and utter panic. Vomiting. Sometimes trying to go out for a jog to try and clear my head and get some endorphins going (doctors later told me I could have dropped dead of a heart attack). Have you ever tried to run with the DTs? I tripped a lot.
At a certain point Monday morning, after showering and trying to will myself to get inspired for work, I would begin to think about how much alcohol I needed to get back to sea level. Cause I needed to function at work, and in my current state, I could not speak. Could I just have a few shots of vodka? Would it smell? Eventually, I would give in and drink... and as the alcohol hit my blood stream, things started to look rosier. I could do this. I would quit tomorrow. Today, it was about survival.
I'm a garden variety alcoholic, Benny. That means that I will drink until I die or wind up in jail, unless I'm able to recover. Sure, it may take years, but that's where I'm headed. 100,000 people die of alcoholism each year in the United States. Most of those deaths are rather unpleasant.
Here's the thing: you will start to feel better, restored. The poison leaves, the liver slows, and the ache for alcohol by every cell in your body grows dull.
The agony starts to fade. We grow strong. A resolve to never drink again becomes a resolve to never go through withdrawal again. Which becomes a resolve to never drink too much again.
This is alcoholism, up close and personal. The physical part is just the tip of the iceberg. I am plagued by a mental obsession to drink even when the detox is done-- a mental obsession stronger than every memory I can conjure.
Unless I pursue recovery.
There is a solution, and it works.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 22
I can so relate to that. You plan what you need for the day/weekend whatever, then you wake up at 3am ready to fix the pain and there's no beer in the house. Need to plan better next weekend. Monday's are the worst, wake up a 3am, knowing you can't drink becuase you have to get up at 6 for work. But then you say screw it, I'm taking vacation, or calling in sick, but instead of lying in bed resting, you get up and drink, back in bed in 5 hours, vowing to not repeat it so you can go to work on Tuesday. Breaking the cycle is impossible.
I jog and bike. Been on many late night runs, as ironically, exercise is the one thing that can cure the pain, for a little bit, till you get tired and stop. The other night I cured myself by mowing the lawn twice in 100 degree heat hoping to not drink the minute I got home. Well, that kept me from drinking, but as soon as I got done mowing, you know what happened, and that only made the next day even worse as I started later and did not get the chance to lay in agony in bed. Biking is even more dangerous, not only can it cause the same heart issues, bikes go fast and crash hard. Hence my broken collarbone, not to mention it was night and I had no lights.
By the way, 3:11am here, can't sleep, have drank in 2 days, went to bed at 9, haven't slept yet so I finally figured I would look around here for a while.
I jog and bike. Been on many late night runs, as ironically, exercise is the one thing that can cure the pain, for a little bit, till you get tired and stop. The other night I cured myself by mowing the lawn twice in 100 degree heat hoping to not drink the minute I got home. Well, that kept me from drinking, but as soon as I got done mowing, you know what happened, and that only made the next day even worse as I started later and did not get the chance to lay in agony in bed. Biking is even more dangerous, not only can it cause the same heart issues, bikes go fast and crash hard. Hence my broken collarbone, not to mention it was night and I had no lights.
By the way, 3:11am here, can't sleep, have drank in 2 days, went to bed at 9, haven't slept yet so I finally figured I would look around here for a while.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by cat1961
Benny - since you have insurance and your boss is aware of your drinking issues, by all means do the detox. They'll give you the proper care to get through this with little pain.
As far as what to do right now..... that was a good choice cutting the grass since I felt so much better after a sweaty bike ride during my detox. I've also downed a lot of Gaterade, B12 and took Melatonin to help me sleep.
I know exactly how you're feeling as I've been there. I haven't hit the .3 with a DUI but came really close and I should have been dead a few times over.
Hang in there Benny and get on the phone tomorrow to see a doctor and what your options are. I wish I had that option a month ago during my detox, but I just did it on my own like I had times before.
Now at day 31 I feel great!
Good luck to you and please keep us posted.
As far as what to do right now..... that was a good choice cutting the grass since I felt so much better after a sweaty bike ride during my detox. I've also downed a lot of Gaterade, B12 and took Melatonin to help me sleep.
I know exactly how you're feeling as I've been there. I haven't hit the .3 with a DUI but came really close and I should have been dead a few times over.
Hang in there Benny and get on the phone tomorrow to see a doctor and what your options are. I wish I had that option a month ago during my detox, but I just did it on my own like I had times before.
Now at day 31 I feel great!
Good luck to you and please keep us posted.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 649
The music you hear is semi-normal going through detox and think most of us had experienced it but it will diminish.
Riding a bike slightly hammered is not a good thing either. Just days before I quit drinking I was on the way to work after 3-4 beers; slightly blacked out and slammed into a sign. That was incredibly scary as I was going downhill and hit it with severe force. Only injuries I sustained was a severe bruised arm and leg. It could have been so much worse. I think that was my official wake up call!
Robert - your post described me to the T. How I dreaded the Monday mornings with the heart racing at 3am wondering how I'll make it to work feeling like a total piece of human waste. So I usually turned to a beer or two just to get my body back to reality. It's just not worth it.
Benny - just avoid that drink, stay sober and you will be a happy man! The melatonin had helped me relax/sleep so I guess everyone is different. Your body may be in heavy detox mode but am glad you're here and able to function. I'm on Day 33 and am feeling darn good.
Have a great Sunday everyone!
Riding a bike slightly hammered is not a good thing either. Just days before I quit drinking I was on the way to work after 3-4 beers; slightly blacked out and slammed into a sign. That was incredibly scary as I was going downhill and hit it with severe force. Only injuries I sustained was a severe bruised arm and leg. It could have been so much worse. I think that was my official wake up call!
Robert - your post described me to the T. How I dreaded the Monday mornings with the heart racing at 3am wondering how I'll make it to work feeling like a total piece of human waste. So I usually turned to a beer or two just to get my body back to reality. It's just not worth it.
Benny - just avoid that drink, stay sober and you will be a happy man! The melatonin had helped me relax/sleep so I guess everyone is different. Your body may be in heavy detox mode but am glad you're here and able to function. I'm on Day 33 and am feeling darn good.
Have a great Sunday everyone!
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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I made it through the weekend. I did not sleep at all Friday night, I was out all night Saturday doing boat driving duty, and Sunday I slept all day. Fortunetly, that was just before they quit selling, so I had to quit then. I even had dreams, weird ones, but I haven't had dreams in months. No cold sweats, no claminess. My hands aren't sweating, neither is my face. It is still red, but it is also now sun burnt. And I am not shaking at all today. I am curious to see how I sleep tonight. Work tomorrow, then gotta figure out how to get back and forth to work once the license is gone.
I due have to admit that I'll be reseting my date, as I had 3 beers Saturday night, as I started to shake and cracked. I know I am not suppose to gradually go off, but for me, it seemed to work considering how well I was able to sleep, in that I did not go to sleep for another 7 hours after that. The good news is it is Sunday night, I haven't been drinking all day, I don't want to drink right now, and I should feel excellant in the morning, even if I don't sleep.
I due have to admit that I'll be reseting my date, as I had 3 beers Saturday night, as I started to shake and cracked. I know I am not suppose to gradually go off, but for me, it seemed to work considering how well I was able to sleep, in that I did not go to sleep for another 7 hours after that. The good news is it is Sunday night, I haven't been drinking all day, I don't want to drink right now, and I should feel excellant in the morning, even if I don't sleep.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Dr. Bob, the co-founder of AA, had to have what turned out to be his last drink so he could stop shaking sufficiently to perform surgery! (Makes one think twice about going under the knife, doesn't it? Your surgeon could be medicating his withdrawals!)
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
Glad things are getting a little better, Benny. I hope you'll be able to rest tonight even if you can't sleep. I found that it got a little better each day and the insomnia left for me sometime in the second week. It's different for everyone, but that's a really common complaint. Our body has to learn how to reset itself without alcohol.
Hang on to the idea of a hangover-free morning. It really does get better!!:ghug3
Hang on to the idea of a hangover-free morning. It really does get better!!:ghug3
Grouch and Brainstorm
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 238
Benny-- you are making progress, and that is good.
But if you are like me, you will not be able to do this alone. Ultimately, the three beers Saturday night will be repeated. Cause, you know, you only had 3, and you can do that again, can't you?
You need in person fellowship of people who can help.
How bout a meeting?
But if you are like me, you will not be able to do this alone. Ultimately, the three beers Saturday night will be repeated. Cause, you know, you only had 3, and you can do that again, can't you?
You need in person fellowship of people who can help.
How bout a meeting?
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I still did not sleep last night, well, not until about 4am, despite going to sleep at 9pm. Weird, though, even with 2 hours of sleep, I was still feeling a million times better than ever before. I accomplished more today at work than I often did in weeks. I wonder if anyone noticed?
Tonight I did a bicycle ride, a group ride, that coincidently leaves from one of my favorite bars. Afterwards, the norm is to sit on the patio and well, you know. I could have gone there, I really could have, had some water, or lemonade, eat some free peanuts and left, but I didn't. I wasn't even sad about it really. Unfortunetly, bicyling, some that is very good for me also has an engrained drinking culture as well. Instead I went to the coffee shop around the corner, and had a ice something or other. It was good. Caffeine probaly is not going to help me sleep, but oh well, I probably would not sleep anyway.
As far as treatment goes, I am waiting to see what the court ordered treatment is, since I know they will make me do something. If it is not sufficient, I will do something else on my own. But at minimum, I need to meet their requirements.
Tonight I did a bicycle ride, a group ride, that coincidently leaves from one of my favorite bars. Afterwards, the norm is to sit on the patio and well, you know. I could have gone there, I really could have, had some water, or lemonade, eat some free peanuts and left, but I didn't. I wasn't even sad about it really. Unfortunetly, bicyling, some that is very good for me also has an engrained drinking culture as well. Instead I went to the coffee shop around the corner, and had a ice something or other. It was good. Caffeine probaly is not going to help me sleep, but oh well, I probably would not sleep anyway.
As far as treatment goes, I am waiting to see what the court ordered treatment is, since I know they will make me do something. If it is not sufficient, I will do something else on my own. But at minimum, I need to meet their requirements.
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And another sleepless night. How many is that now, 4, 5. I still feel better than ever, even without sleep. Last night the chills and the sweatiness came back though which I was not expecting. I thought that was over. But I guess it has been so long since I have gone this long without drinking, I don't remember what it is suppose to feel like.
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