Former lurker.....now here
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Join Date: Apr 2010
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Day 8 (made it past the 1 week point) in progress and not slowing down. I had a long talk with the wife last night about things (and the upcoming monthly wine and dinner nught with friends) and she does not want to see me drink anything not even one glass (and I am totally okay with that - actually I am really fine with that) and it appears I should be able to make it to 30 days without having to be put into an overly awkward social situation about being the only one not drinking. That would be huge. 30 days. Was not able to do that ever before (at least not on purpose that is).
We talked about 'it' and worked through some things....tried to help her understand the problem and the disease and how I have been reluctant to open up to her about it because it would then be the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Funny how we try to deal with it in private....when in the end it becomes so progressive that it 'outs' itself in the worst way possible. Wierd how the disease has that way...almost like it knows when it has won over us...and wants to let loved ones know it.....hmmmm. I could not hide it if I tried.
The talk was good for us and me. I think we got somewhere....I just need to put my money where my mouth is that is and follow this through. I am soooo much more eductaed about the disease this time (many thanks to SR) that I feel like I have the tools to make it work. Not being overconfident by far....but I know what I have to lose and I decided that myself, my wife, and my family and not more important than drinking....never.
We talked about 'it' and worked through some things....tried to help her understand the problem and the disease and how I have been reluctant to open up to her about it because it would then be the 800 pound gorilla in the room. Funny how we try to deal with it in private....when in the end it becomes so progressive that it 'outs' itself in the worst way possible. Wierd how the disease has that way...almost like it knows when it has won over us...and wants to let loved ones know it.....hmmmm. I could not hide it if I tried.
The talk was good for us and me. I think we got somewhere....I just need to put my money where my mouth is that is and follow this through. I am soooo much more eductaed about the disease this time (many thanks to SR) that I feel like I have the tools to make it work. Not being overconfident by far....but I know what I have to lose and I decided that myself, my wife, and my family and not more important than drinking....never.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Congrats Jabba!
I'm glad you had a talk with your wife. Has she ever read any Al-Anon stuff?
Having a shot of getting to 30 without too much temptation is a great way to start. Good luck, we are 100% behind you!
I'm glad you had a talk with your wife. Has she ever read any Al-Anon stuff?
Having a shot of getting to 30 without too much temptation is a great way to start. Good luck, we are 100% behind you!
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
Good luck Jabba... It sounds like you are leaning in the abstinence direction a bit more than you were at the beginning of this thread? While moderation may work for some, it never did for me, and with the severity of the problems you describe that drinking has caused in your marriage, it sounds like abstinence might be the best course for you too. Of course, only you can know that, not any of us.
Don't expect your wife's support, at least not in the sense of patting you on the back... you have to do this for yourself. I hear "good job" from myself and from people on SR, I don't need or expect to hear it from my husband. That was a tough lesson for me in the beginning as I'm used to relying on him for everything... but the truth is, people who have not had our problem usually do not understand. If your wife encourages you not to drink, and agrees with your decision to abstain, then count yourself lucky that you have her support in that way at least.
I would definitely stay out of tricky social situations for the first 30 days at least. Congratulations on day 8
Don't expect your wife's support, at least not in the sense of patting you on the back... you have to do this for yourself. I hear "good job" from myself and from people on SR, I don't need or expect to hear it from my husband. That was a tough lesson for me in the beginning as I'm used to relying on him for everything... but the truth is, people who have not had our problem usually do not understand. If your wife encourages you not to drink, and agrees with your decision to abstain, then count yourself lucky that you have her support in that way at least.
I would definitely stay out of tricky social situations for the first 30 days at least. Congratulations on day 8
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Thanks for the words of support. Yes I certainly am working more on the side of abstinenece. However there is that voice in the back of my head which keeps asking me if I think i will ever have control enough to enjoy that fine wine once again. Right now I am not sure and it is what it is. In the mean time I keep working to get back on track and be sober. One day at a time is all we can do.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Hey Jabba, I know about the temptation to just have that glass of fine wine. I'm a connoisseur of fine wine myself, and I hate having to give that up as well. But that glass of fine wine always led to a massive binge on cheap liquor, so for me it just has to go as well. A drink's a drink in the end. That's our cross to bear.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Best pack that lunch.
I have gone 2 to 3 months sober several times in the past 2 years, and the one thing that knocked me right back into the old habit, was the belief that I could have that one glass of fine wine. It stinks going out to decent restraunt and not being able to have a glass of fine merlot with a good meal, but what it leads to for me makes it far from worth it. I just thought I should share my experience since you mentioned it.
I have gone 2 to 3 months sober several times in the past 2 years, and the one thing that knocked me right back into the old habit, was the belief that I could have that one glass of fine wine. It stinks going out to decent restraunt and not being able to have a glass of fine merlot with a good meal, but what it leads to for me makes it far from worth it. I just thought I should share my experience since you mentioned it.
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... and a toothbrush.
I am not a wine afficianado (though, ironically, I used to own a vineyard with a winery on premises), but one of the few times I had a mild urge to drink was when I went out to dinner with people who ordered their wine and I could smell it.
It didn't make me want to "drink" but I did think, man, that would really taste good.
The thing is, I can't do it. It's like having a severe allergy to anything tasty. Gotta give it up. I found that by focusing on the food and the conversation (I had my usual iced tea), I soon didn't notice the smell.
If you find the dinner is too uncomfortable for you, even with your wife's support, you might want to find a different activity to share for awhile. After all, if the whole purpose of this dinner is to do the "food and wine" thing, I wouldn't think it would be a whole lot of fun. But that's me.
I am not a wine afficianado (though, ironically, I used to own a vineyard with a winery on premises), but one of the few times I had a mild urge to drink was when I went out to dinner with people who ordered their wine and I could smell it.
It didn't make me want to "drink" but I did think, man, that would really taste good.
The thing is, I can't do it. It's like having a severe allergy to anything tasty. Gotta give it up. I found that by focusing on the food and the conversation (I had my usual iced tea), I soon didn't notice the smell.
If you find the dinner is too uncomfortable for you, even with your wife's support, you might want to find a different activity to share for awhile. After all, if the whole purpose of this dinner is to do the "food and wine" thing, I wouldn't think it would be a whole lot of fun. But that's me.
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Yep. Hard to 'keep the peace' with the friends and not lead on to your situation. This time I may use the 'I think I'm coming down with a cold or something' excuse to not drink. But that will only work so few times. If out I can always use the 'i'm driving' excuse which works, but if I am not driving I will need another back up. Any ideas? I suppose that could be another thread (I bet it has been one in the past)
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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Hey, no excuse works better than stating,"I'm not drinking because I'm a raging alcoholic, and if I have that first glass of delicious Vino, the next thing I know I'll be wizzing on a dumpster at 4am, wearing nothing but a pair of socks." It also, makes dinner conversation delightfully awkward after that. It's a real ice breaker too, trust me.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
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Honestly? If they are good friends, and you really want to stick with them, why not simply say you've decided not to drink for awhile. Just say it's for your health.
Elaborate excuses for not drinking are almost as exhausting as elaborate excuses (aka lies) for what we ARE drinking.
Elaborate excuses for not drinking are almost as exhausting as elaborate excuses (aka lies) for what we ARE drinking.
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CJ1 - that was really funny. LOL.
Lexie - They are not 'that' type of friends yet (still early in our friendship) but I agree, coming up with an excuse is exausting. I think it is just that we have never gotten "drunk" with them before and always kept it very tame with a glass or two over several hours....so they certainly do not see us/me) as one who would have a problem. Nor would my wife want it to 'get out' as we would be judged harshly on "Wisteria Lane". So for me to say 'I'm not drinking' without a reason I feel will raise a flag for sure. In the past I gave alcohol up for "religious reasons" (temporary) and drank O'douls when they were drinking wine .....ohhh the harrassment they gave me for that...it was all in good fun and understood by them (becasue it was during a time when you are supposed to sacrafice something) however.......it was very uncomfortable for me/us at the time because I knew the REAL reason I gave it up.
SO I gotta do it one day at a time and see where it goes.
Lexie - They are not 'that' type of friends yet (still early in our friendship) but I agree, coming up with an excuse is exausting. I think it is just that we have never gotten "drunk" with them before and always kept it very tame with a glass or two over several hours....so they certainly do not see us/me) as one who would have a problem. Nor would my wife want it to 'get out' as we would be judged harshly on "Wisteria Lane". So for me to say 'I'm not drinking' without a reason I feel will raise a flag for sure. In the past I gave alcohol up for "religious reasons" (temporary) and drank O'douls when they were drinking wine .....ohhh the harrassment they gave me for that...it was all in good fun and understood by them (becasue it was during a time when you are supposed to sacrafice something) however.......it was very uncomfortable for me/us at the time because I knew the REAL reason I gave it up.
SO I gotta do it one day at a time and see where it goes.
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But seriously I was just trying to create a little humorous levity. I'm just as embarrased to have my drinking problem get out as well, and have never trusted anyone with that secret but my immediate family. So I understand your concerns. In the meantime maybe coming up with a few excuses will help you deal with the uncomfortableness. After that I believe Lexie's suggestion of giving it up for your health, is a great one. I will probably use that myself.
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It's entirely up to you, but there's an old saying around AA, which is that if you keep hanging around the barbershop, sooner or later you're likely to wind up with a haircut.
It sounds like the whole purpose of these dinners (along with hanging out with people you like) is to pair the wines with the food. If you give them an "excuse" then, based upon your previous experience with not drinking around this group, you are going to have people pressuring you to try the wine. Even if it doesn't lead to your drinking, how is this "fun"?
Most of us had to change some of our routines, and some of the people we hung out with, at least until we were pretty solid in our sobriety.
Now, maybe you can endure these dinners in this way, but my guess is that it isn't going to work out very well for the sobriety, or for the friendships.
Think about it. How important is it to maintain this particular social activity? How important is it to maintain your sobriety? I don't think I'm being melodramatic here--I've just heard of too many people who tried to do what you're trying to do and being sorry about it later.
It sounds like the whole purpose of these dinners (along with hanging out with people you like) is to pair the wines with the food. If you give them an "excuse" then, based upon your previous experience with not drinking around this group, you are going to have people pressuring you to try the wine. Even if it doesn't lead to your drinking, how is this "fun"?
Most of us had to change some of our routines, and some of the people we hung out with, at least until we were pretty solid in our sobriety.
Now, maybe you can endure these dinners in this way, but my guess is that it isn't going to work out very well for the sobriety, or for the friendships.
Think about it. How important is it to maintain this particular social activity? How important is it to maintain your sobriety? I don't think I'm being melodramatic here--I've just heard of too many people who tried to do what you're trying to do and being sorry about it later.
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CJ1- ROTFLMAO:-)
I understand that you might not want to share your alcoholism with everyone you know.
I have told my friends that alcohol no longer tastes good to me (true), they accept it at that, whether they are wondering or not it works for me. Considering they are all used to me being a wine lover I'm surprised they don't question it.
You could also tell them that you have developed a severe allergy to wine, I think red wine has sulphur which a lot of people are sensitive to.
LF
I understand that you might not want to share your alcoholism with everyone you know.
I have told my friends that alcohol no longer tastes good to me (true), they accept it at that, whether they are wondering or not it works for me. Considering they are all used to me being a wine lover I'm surprised they don't question it.
You could also tell them that you have developed a severe allergy to wine, I think red wine has sulphur which a lot of people are sensitive to.
LF
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