Chakra

I fancy live goats over dead ones so, ya, don't do that again! Dee is right. We all end up in that place again OR WORSE. I've never heard of anyone's alcoholism getting progressively better. PLUS the shame and guilt that goes along with it is unbearable. I was waking up during nights that I wasn't drinking just shivering inside because my nerves just couldn't take the anxiety anymore.

Keep on here as much as you can. Live goats RAWK!

Goat

Yep.... and since I'm trying to be very honest with myself, I think that kind of acceptance is something I haven't learned yet.

I've been on and off the sober wagon for 8 years now, and some part of me is still just refusing to accept it.

-Goat

ferrari355

From reading this I'd say you're a bit like me in that you recognise alcohol is a big problem, you want to change, but but for some reason find it difficult to make the next logical leap, you probably feel you're stuck in a kind of Groundhog Day scenario - at least, looking at my own reactions, that's how I analyse it.

I don't know what to say except that for some of us there probably is no blinding flash of light or inspiration, we just have to keep chipping away and hopefully eventually we get it, preferably without reaching rock bottom.

IIRC from reading one or two of your other posts a while back, you're in the music game, well, I was reading recently that Slash is now teetotal, even Keef of all people finally knocked it on the head....there's plenty of success stories out there, even in a profession not exactly know for clean living ways.

Goat

You know the feeling I hate the worst? It's waking up and not knowing what level of mess you made.

Or worse, waking up in jail and having to sit there all day and sober up before you can go find out how big a mess you made.

I don't ever want to wake up in jail again. Thankfully that didn't happen this time (No thanks to me! Thanks to my gf who vanishes all the keys in the house when I drink.)

-Goat

Chakra

Me too. Oh ****, who do I apologize too? I KNOW I did something stupid last night! lol Jail? Ya, that sucks. Been there, done that!

Goat

I certainly hope I don't have any more chips to take before I get it But yeah, I was just thinking something very much like what you said. I guess I have always thought that if I wanted it enough it would just happen. Apparently that's not sufficient

I'm in the music game as a hobby rather than as my career, unfortunately.

Then again, maybe that is more fortunate than it seems!

-Goat

Dee74

I refused to accept it, in spite of all the glaring evidence, for 20 years.

Partly stubbornness and ego (nothing will lick me/I can control this) and partly fear (what do I do without this?)

It all damn nearly had me in a pine box.

It had to totally kick my behind for me to accept the reality - I'd lost everything, I had no life but drinking, and I was literally dying....and still I managed to live that way for a year or two. Madness.

Please be smarter than I was, G.

D

Chakra

I've known for YEARS that I am an alcoholic and that I need to quit. I just seemed to give in to those freakin cravings so easily. Its what is kicking my arse at the moment but thankfully, being on SR helps A LOT.

Dee-do the cravings EVER go away?

stephnc

Cunning, baffling, and powerful Goat. This sh!t is scary but together we can hopefully get somewhere that we can't get on our own. I've got your back...hope you have mine, too.

Stephanie

Dee74

Well they did for me Chakra
I'm not sure anyone would stay sober if they didn't.

For me it took a few months - one day I realised I hadn't had one in ages - I still had stressful times ahead of me when I struggled with thoughts, but not continously...

but nowadays I never crave a drink...it's just not who I am anymore

D

Goat

Absolutely Stephanie, we're all in this together!

-Goat

Chakra

Nice! Then there is hope. I was just thinking, I don't know if I can live like this forever! I just need to keep pushing through sobriety until I find that place where the cravings don't happen. I can do that. AND I will do that. Thank you Dee

Goat

Heh, then the other insidious little voices will start. If I had been paying attention to my sobriety the evil little voice telling me "you're cured!" and "you were never really an alcoholic" and "you were immature, that's why you couldn't handle the booze" would have had less of a chance to bring me back. But because I wasn't working any program at all eventually that voice won.

-Goat

Chakra

For me, so far, this has been the best support...round the clock. I tried a meeting but decided it wasn't for me. There are no SMART or Lifering groups here so I have to wait until I go home to try those. But seriously, the interaction here really rocks. I have been a drunk since I was fifteen and am 38 now so I really don't know how to be sober as an adult. Coping with emotions coupled with my missing beer is really getting to me right now. White knuckling it!! At least I am in good company here.

Goat

It does rock! I may not know everything about what I may be missing in order to do this totally successfully, but I'll bet that if I hadn't started neglecting this place I wouldn't have fallen off the wagon.

-Goat

Mae09

I have had that voice often that says "I can be a normal drinker tonight" I will give it a try. It never ends up good. Last time I listened to those voices I woke up on the kitchen floor with a bottle by my side. I have been working on this sobriety gig for over two years, with over 16 years of heavy drinking under my belt. I am working hard to immediately distract myself when I hear those toxic insinuations; I have to just say or scream out loud… “I am not a normal drinker, so f off.” Kinda crazy, especially if in public, but it works

Goat

Oh yeah, I would do that. In public's even better! :-D

artsoul

Hey Goat - good to meet ya..... Just got back from a trip to Cincinnati and couldn't believe it's about as hot up there as it is here in Mississippi (and the Reds losing 3 straight to the Cardinals didn't help any!).

I went back to drinking twice, after a good bit of sobriety both times, just to "prove" to the world that I could handle it. I'm still dang mad that it didn't work out, but enough is enough. I'm done, for sure. When you start to worry about your liver, or think about waking up in the hospital (or like you said, jail), or not waking up at all, there's really no point in even considering social drinking. Lord knows, I've given it enough tries already.

I've sat through some really bad cravings so far, but they ALWAYS go away. SR really helps, too, as you know. It's really great that you're back!!

yeahgr8

Drinkng became as much a part of me as my designer shirts...the day before i went to AA my CBT counselor, who i had started seeing a week before, asked me do you really want to stop drinking? Having made several attempts at stopping drinking for months at a time and knowing how that always ended i said no not really...i just want the chaos and pain to stop im so tired of it...

The most sane thing i had said in years...for me the desperation and hopelessness had once again outweighed my resistance to and fear of change...and i dont mean changing image, i mean real change...that window of opportunity didn't come around that often, i knew as soon as i felt better and things started getting better that any suggestion of seeking face to face help would be completely rejected by me and laughed off...

Maybe this will be your turn to seek help and make a change in yourself...maybe it won't?

One thing i didnt realise before getting sober was that my say 6 months of not drinking which i always thought was a total waste of time, which in hindsight it was, when i drank again other than to show me i needed help...well some people can live like that for years, i sat with a guy who hasn't drunk for 8 years and then made significant changes and was saying what a total waste of his life the last 8 years were...now thats scary!

Goat

Man, not sleeping the second day of a hangover is rough.

I am very tired, too. My body needs sleep. But it just refuses to do it!

-Goat