Wholesome

Hi, today is my 5th day sober and it's the longest I've gone in 2 years. Two years ago I gave my sister $200 and told her that I was going to stay sober for 30 days and if I didn't to give it to a charity. I did the 30 days but after that I went back to my same old ways.

Alcoholism runs in my family and I grew up in a home where living clean made you the odd one out, so my opinion has always been yeah I drink but it's not a problem. Seeing my mother automaticly means drinking. I've done cocaine with my father???? What was he thinking? But enough about that. The reality is that I'm all grown up now with my own children and I drink but it's not a problem just isn't cutting it any more.

I'm tired of waking up and feeling like killing myself, of the self loathing, humilation, despair, hopelessness that my dysfunctional relationship with alcohol has brought me. I just know that I can't drink right. As soon as that first sip touchs my tongue it's over, I'm going to drink until it's gone or I pass out. The only days I don't drink are when I'm really hung over and I don't really get a whole lot of hangovers any more, which I find scary.

So I'm five days in and I feel really good about it. So far I've just been staying home and avoiding my social life. I haven't told anyone about my decision because I'm really secretive about how I drink, no one knows just how bad it is, not even my boyfriend.

Thanks for listening.

LexieCat

Welcome, zenchaser, and congrats on the five days.

I really encourage you to try an AA meeting. I, too, was an isolating drinker who tried very hard to hide my steadily-worsening alcohol addiction. Walking into the rooms of AA suddenly makes it seem no longer shameful. We get to meet others who have felt and acted exactly the same way we did, and who have found a way out.

Take a look at AA's Big Book online. See if you can relate to what you read there.

There's a whole new life out there waiting for you, if you want it.

wpainterw

Hi. That's really interesting the part about giving the $200 to your sister and saying give it to charity unless you were able to go thirty days. And you did go thirty days. And at the end I guess you were thinking subconsciously "I won the bet so now it's party time!" And I'll bet all the time your mind was playing tricks on you, whispering to itself "Only thirty days. Then she'll get the $200 back and we'll (i.e. the brain and the body) get the booze we so dearly want- and need! She'll think she won the "bet" but she won't realize that all the time we (the mind, etc.) were setting her up for a slip or relapse.
Pretty tricky stuff this recovery!

Wp

Wholesome

Thanks, I've been considering AA for quite awhile. I definatly think it would be useful to make some non drinking friends. I don't seem to have too many friends who aren't also big drinkers...... it seems like every social event involves late night drinking binges. I have set my whole life up in a way that facilitates my drinking. My ex husband is also an alcoholic and I picked my new boyfriend because he can keep up with my drinking, so I guess it would be safe to say he's also an alcoholic.

It seems that all my friends who outgrew the parties of our teens and early 20's are no longer a big part of my life and have been replaced by new friends who are heavy drinkers.

I even work at The Beer Store!!!! How's that for ironic? It boogles my mind how over the years I can consistently made decisions to keep up this life style. The ways we find to lie to ourselves.......

So yeah I've been thinking about AA.

Chloe60

Hi Zenchaser. Congrats of day 5! I'm on day 14. I don't feel great yet, but I do feel proud. I also had an alcoholic father and I also "hid" the amount of my drinking quite well. I also haven't told many people about my decision, but I made it through a big party this weekend. It was a family party I could not avoid... complete with tons of wine, beer, gin, vodka, etc. I drank diet lemonaide in a wine glass! 4 people asked about it and I gave a line I learned on this website, "I'm just giving my liver a break." One person pushed hard, "Oh come on, have a drink with me." But I just changed the subject.

I wish you could confide in your boyfriend. My husband is my rock and the reason I think I will be successful. I do think it's important to have some kind of support system. Best wishes and God Bless!

Chloe60

Oops...I was typing while you posted. It sounds like your current boyfriend isn't the one to confide in. I hope you do find the support you need! Let us know how the AA goes!

Dee74

Again, welcome to SR zenchaser. You'll find a lot of support here.

D

Anna

Welcome Zenchaser,

Congratulations on 5 sober days.

I hid my drinking from my husband and I didn't realize until I stopped drinking, how exhausting it was to keep it hidden. I was always trying to keep my story straight and wondering if I'd left any clues behind.

Trust me, it will be a relief for you now that you have stopped.