Introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Detroit, Michigan
Posts: 5
Introduction
Hi, I just wanted to introduce myself and tell my story, so this may get long, especially since this is my first day clean and I find journaling a huge distraction from thinking about my DOC, among the other issues going on in my life at the moment.
I am 41 years old, been separated (I call him my ex-husband but that's not really legal lol) for almost 8 years and have three wonderful children - a 19 year old daughter who has Down syndrome, a beautiful and intelligent 16 year old daughter, and an adorable apple of my eye 7 year old son who I love to pieces! I recently broke off a 3 1/2 year long relationship with a man I will call "M" that I still deeply love and can't seem to shake from my thoughts. He is 38 and is an alcoholic, pain pill addict and compulsive gambler. I kicked him out of my life at the end of March this year and have had no contact from him since. More on that later... let's just say I think I am addicted to loving him.
First off, I am a recovering codependent. I've been attending CoDA meetings online for over 4 months now and it is really helping me. I was also seeing a therapist who specialized in codependency, but she only accepted cash... no insurance... so it got too expensive and I had to stop going. I have been reading books and I would really like to read "Codependent No More", but I have yet to find it in the library and can't afford to buy it right now.
Along my road to recovery from codependence, I admitted another addiction... to narcotic painkillers. I was first introduced to them while dating a man I worked with back in 2005/2006. He gave me a Vicodin after a lot of hesitation on my part. I wanted to try it, but had never liked taking pills of any kind... not even Tylenol or cold medicine... just because I didn't like putting stuff in my body without a real good reason. But he told me it would take the edge off (I was always stressed out about something... usually my ex-husband). He was right. I started by taking half of one here and another half there. Many of us at that place of employment soon started buying them in bulk and splitting them up amongst all of us. Sometimes there were dry periods where no one had any or we couldn't find any, so we weren't heavy users... we wanted our stash to last, so we would limit what we took every day. It was a roofing company, full of guys who drank alot and did alot of drugs. Not the greatest atmosphere, but I got sucked in. Soon my guy had me snorting coke with him on a regular basis. Thank God his crazy ex-wife hooked him back up into her clutches, so I was freed from that lifestyle. Heartbroken yes, but I stopped doing the pills and coke and went back to being a responsible mom again.
Soon after that break-up, in early 2007, I met M. He basically swept me off my feet. He was tall, thin and energetic. I was used to dating (and being married to) heavier biker type guys... you know - leather, t-shirts, dirty jeans. He was the total opposite and dressed in expensive hip hop style clothes and shoes. He had recently come into a large sum of money, so he also swept me up that way.... he had a condo in Vegas which he lived in half the time, the other half was in the same city as me. Anyhow, he would fly me out to Vegas to stay with him at least once a month. He bought me clothes, shoes, sent me flowers. He flew me out to southern California to stay with him at a luxury hotel for a week. I failed to notice the constant drinking and gambling (poker). Ok I noticed, but blew it off. I had never been around a full blown alcoholic before. He woke up shaking every morning and stupid me thought he was just nervous around me. He ordered vodka and cranberry from room service every morning and I blindly overlooked it as him living it up. He had cash scattered all over the hotel room floor... $50s & $100s... it was like being in a rockstar's room. And it was all so new and exciting for me...
Soon we started doing coke... but thankfully, that ended quick. He had bad sinuses, so he couldn't handle the runny nose very well. I didn't want to get sucked back into that lifestyle again... it seemed so reckless... yet pills didn't. He ended up buying $1600 worth of Vicodin one night while we were back home here in our hometown. We had the intention of giving one half to his best friend to sell for us and split the profit. Well we never saw the so called best friend, the money or the pills ever again. We still had our half to sell, but guess what? We ended up maybe selling 1/4 of what we had and ate the rest. This is when my true addiction to Vicodin began, although I like to say I didn't get addicted until my doctor starting prescribing it and other opiate pills beginning in December of 2008. Anyhow, M ended up blowing all the money he had come into, had to move out of the condo in Vegas and move back here to our hometown for good. He got an apartment nearby that I paid for... he was broke and had no job. But I loved him and he loved me. This I believe. So we stuck it out together.
One night in December of 2007, I took M to the hospital... he was very ill and lethargic. Well duh... he had been drinking up to a 5th of vodka a day since the day I met him. So his body was shutting down. He detoxed in the hospital for about 5 days. He didn't know who I was the first day and kept calling me by his ex-wife's name. He was on that drug to control seizures. He couldn't even wipe his own ass (I did it for him in the hospital and was at his bedside all day long except in the middle of the night). He left the hospital with instructions to see a specific counselor, who was within walking distance from his apartment, and a strong suggestion to attend AA. He never did either, but he did stay sober... for 6 months.
Around the 6th month of his sobriety, he began asking me if I thought it would be ok if he had a 40 ounce bottle of Bud. His excuse was it was the NFL playoffs and he wanted to relax and watch hockey with a beer. I told him it wasn't my decision to make. He went out and got one. Soon one turned to two...then a 6 pack, then a 12 pack, then eventually he was up to drinking a case a day. Now his excuse was that at least it was just beer and not vodka. I know he saw the disappointment on my face... every day. I asked him constantly to "pace yourself". I told him I didn't like how much he was drinking, but I never demanded that he stop. I told myself that he needed to make the decision to stop, yet I nagged him every day about how I wished he would stop. Why was he choosing beer over my happiness?
In December of 2008, I had a gynocological procedure that went wrong. I was put on Percocet for the pain, which was constant from that day forward. I alternated from Percs to Vicodin to Darvocet and back. My gynocologist must have felt awful about what happened because she kept refilling my prescriptions. Soon, I was on a vicious cycle of alternating and getting all the painkillers I needed because I would call the doctors office and say..."this one is not working, can you get me this one instead" yet I would take both. I began lying about my pain. Oh it was there, but I knew deep down I could have gotten by with some OTC ibuprophen, except during my periods, which I had excruciating pain that often landed me in the ER and sent home with a prescription for some narcotic pain killer varying from dilaudid to darvocet. M was enjoying the free stream of pain pills as well. Plus, his mother was always on something for her bad back... or we could get it on the street if we ever ran out. Although I hid it from M... because he hated me going there and I wanted to hide pills from him cuz I wanted them all to myself... I would often sneak off alone to a biker bar in the D to get a handful of Vicodin. Yes, desperate enough... I would risk my safety for the sake of a stupid pill.
I needed pills to get out of bed and function normally. I couldn't get through a day of work without having some on hand... even though I have a cushy job with little stress... I had it set in my head that I couldn't function without my warm fuzzy feeling.... Oh, I mean cuz I was in pain. Yeah.
In March of this year, M was still drinking a case of beer a day. I brought home about 33 beers one day after work because my boss had leftovers from a company party that he didn't want... so I brought them home. They were not my bf's brand but I loved the brand, so I figured I would drink them... and 33 would last me a long time! I don't drink very much... I mean 33 beers would last me about 3 months or more. I should have known better. The next morning, they were all gone and M was still up and before I could yell at him he began screaming at me about an email I had sent my best friend about a man I dated in my early 20s that she was interested in. It was a private email on my Facebook page that M decided to hack into and read. So instead of me raging about his binge on MY beer, he went on a rant about me talking about some guy from 15 years ago. Even when I got home from work, he was still awake and pissed and drunk. We started fighting again. Then he sat down on the couch and looked at me like I was a dirty lying wh*re. I snapped. I threw all his clothes outside, grabbed the cell phone I was paying for away from him and shoved him out my door locking it behind him. I haven't seen him since that night. I blocked every number he called from and his email address, blocked him from my Facebook and MySpace pages. His mom called me and left a message about two weeks later saying he was asking for me from the hospital. He was in rehab again. I never called him or visited.
I won't get into all my feelings for M today. That's too deep. Let's just say I have regrets and think daily about asking him to come back.
I had a total hysterectomy on July 6th. M doesn't know. I really needed him though during this time. I feel totally alone and sad. Because the surgery took out my source of constant pain, I decided to quit taking opiate painkillers forever. I finished my last bottle of Lortabs yesterday morning. I have been taking opiate pain killers for years and I am ready to stop. It will be hard. I could easily call my doctor and say I am still in pain from surgery... or geez, I can call the guy who's been cutting my lawn since my surgery... he's got them too. So easily accessible, but I have no need for them anymore...
No need.
I am 41 years old, been separated (I call him my ex-husband but that's not really legal lol) for almost 8 years and have three wonderful children - a 19 year old daughter who has Down syndrome, a beautiful and intelligent 16 year old daughter, and an adorable apple of my eye 7 year old son who I love to pieces! I recently broke off a 3 1/2 year long relationship with a man I will call "M" that I still deeply love and can't seem to shake from my thoughts. He is 38 and is an alcoholic, pain pill addict and compulsive gambler. I kicked him out of my life at the end of March this year and have had no contact from him since. More on that later... let's just say I think I am addicted to loving him.
First off, I am a recovering codependent. I've been attending CoDA meetings online for over 4 months now and it is really helping me. I was also seeing a therapist who specialized in codependency, but she only accepted cash... no insurance... so it got too expensive and I had to stop going. I have been reading books and I would really like to read "Codependent No More", but I have yet to find it in the library and can't afford to buy it right now.
Along my road to recovery from codependence, I admitted another addiction... to narcotic painkillers. I was first introduced to them while dating a man I worked with back in 2005/2006. He gave me a Vicodin after a lot of hesitation on my part. I wanted to try it, but had never liked taking pills of any kind... not even Tylenol or cold medicine... just because I didn't like putting stuff in my body without a real good reason. But he told me it would take the edge off (I was always stressed out about something... usually my ex-husband). He was right. I started by taking half of one here and another half there. Many of us at that place of employment soon started buying them in bulk and splitting them up amongst all of us. Sometimes there were dry periods where no one had any or we couldn't find any, so we weren't heavy users... we wanted our stash to last, so we would limit what we took every day. It was a roofing company, full of guys who drank alot and did alot of drugs. Not the greatest atmosphere, but I got sucked in. Soon my guy had me snorting coke with him on a regular basis. Thank God his crazy ex-wife hooked him back up into her clutches, so I was freed from that lifestyle. Heartbroken yes, but I stopped doing the pills and coke and went back to being a responsible mom again.
Soon after that break-up, in early 2007, I met M. He basically swept me off my feet. He was tall, thin and energetic. I was used to dating (and being married to) heavier biker type guys... you know - leather, t-shirts, dirty jeans. He was the total opposite and dressed in expensive hip hop style clothes and shoes. He had recently come into a large sum of money, so he also swept me up that way.... he had a condo in Vegas which he lived in half the time, the other half was in the same city as me. Anyhow, he would fly me out to Vegas to stay with him at least once a month. He bought me clothes, shoes, sent me flowers. He flew me out to southern California to stay with him at a luxury hotel for a week. I failed to notice the constant drinking and gambling (poker). Ok I noticed, but blew it off. I had never been around a full blown alcoholic before. He woke up shaking every morning and stupid me thought he was just nervous around me. He ordered vodka and cranberry from room service every morning and I blindly overlooked it as him living it up. He had cash scattered all over the hotel room floor... $50s & $100s... it was like being in a rockstar's room. And it was all so new and exciting for me...
Soon we started doing coke... but thankfully, that ended quick. He had bad sinuses, so he couldn't handle the runny nose very well. I didn't want to get sucked back into that lifestyle again... it seemed so reckless... yet pills didn't. He ended up buying $1600 worth of Vicodin one night while we were back home here in our hometown. We had the intention of giving one half to his best friend to sell for us and split the profit. Well we never saw the so called best friend, the money or the pills ever again. We still had our half to sell, but guess what? We ended up maybe selling 1/4 of what we had and ate the rest. This is when my true addiction to Vicodin began, although I like to say I didn't get addicted until my doctor starting prescribing it and other opiate pills beginning in December of 2008. Anyhow, M ended up blowing all the money he had come into, had to move out of the condo in Vegas and move back here to our hometown for good. He got an apartment nearby that I paid for... he was broke and had no job. But I loved him and he loved me. This I believe. So we stuck it out together.
One night in December of 2007, I took M to the hospital... he was very ill and lethargic. Well duh... he had been drinking up to a 5th of vodka a day since the day I met him. So his body was shutting down. He detoxed in the hospital for about 5 days. He didn't know who I was the first day and kept calling me by his ex-wife's name. He was on that drug to control seizures. He couldn't even wipe his own ass (I did it for him in the hospital and was at his bedside all day long except in the middle of the night). He left the hospital with instructions to see a specific counselor, who was within walking distance from his apartment, and a strong suggestion to attend AA. He never did either, but he did stay sober... for 6 months.
Around the 6th month of his sobriety, he began asking me if I thought it would be ok if he had a 40 ounce bottle of Bud. His excuse was it was the NFL playoffs and he wanted to relax and watch hockey with a beer. I told him it wasn't my decision to make. He went out and got one. Soon one turned to two...then a 6 pack, then a 12 pack, then eventually he was up to drinking a case a day. Now his excuse was that at least it was just beer and not vodka. I know he saw the disappointment on my face... every day. I asked him constantly to "pace yourself". I told him I didn't like how much he was drinking, but I never demanded that he stop. I told myself that he needed to make the decision to stop, yet I nagged him every day about how I wished he would stop. Why was he choosing beer over my happiness?
In December of 2008, I had a gynocological procedure that went wrong. I was put on Percocet for the pain, which was constant from that day forward. I alternated from Percs to Vicodin to Darvocet and back. My gynocologist must have felt awful about what happened because she kept refilling my prescriptions. Soon, I was on a vicious cycle of alternating and getting all the painkillers I needed because I would call the doctors office and say..."this one is not working, can you get me this one instead" yet I would take both. I began lying about my pain. Oh it was there, but I knew deep down I could have gotten by with some OTC ibuprophen, except during my periods, which I had excruciating pain that often landed me in the ER and sent home with a prescription for some narcotic pain killer varying from dilaudid to darvocet. M was enjoying the free stream of pain pills as well. Plus, his mother was always on something for her bad back... or we could get it on the street if we ever ran out. Although I hid it from M... because he hated me going there and I wanted to hide pills from him cuz I wanted them all to myself... I would often sneak off alone to a biker bar in the D to get a handful of Vicodin. Yes, desperate enough... I would risk my safety for the sake of a stupid pill.
I needed pills to get out of bed and function normally. I couldn't get through a day of work without having some on hand... even though I have a cushy job with little stress... I had it set in my head that I couldn't function without my warm fuzzy feeling.... Oh, I mean cuz I was in pain. Yeah.
In March of this year, M was still drinking a case of beer a day. I brought home about 33 beers one day after work because my boss had leftovers from a company party that he didn't want... so I brought them home. They were not my bf's brand but I loved the brand, so I figured I would drink them... and 33 would last me a long time! I don't drink very much... I mean 33 beers would last me about 3 months or more. I should have known better. The next morning, they were all gone and M was still up and before I could yell at him he began screaming at me about an email I had sent my best friend about a man I dated in my early 20s that she was interested in. It was a private email on my Facebook page that M decided to hack into and read. So instead of me raging about his binge on MY beer, he went on a rant about me talking about some guy from 15 years ago. Even when I got home from work, he was still awake and pissed and drunk. We started fighting again. Then he sat down on the couch and looked at me like I was a dirty lying wh*re. I snapped. I threw all his clothes outside, grabbed the cell phone I was paying for away from him and shoved him out my door locking it behind him. I haven't seen him since that night. I blocked every number he called from and his email address, blocked him from my Facebook and MySpace pages. His mom called me and left a message about two weeks later saying he was asking for me from the hospital. He was in rehab again. I never called him or visited.
I won't get into all my feelings for M today. That's too deep. Let's just say I have regrets and think daily about asking him to come back.
I had a total hysterectomy on July 6th. M doesn't know. I really needed him though during this time. I feel totally alone and sad. Because the surgery took out my source of constant pain, I decided to quit taking opiate painkillers forever. I finished my last bottle of Lortabs yesterday morning. I have been taking opiate pain killers for years and I am ready to stop. It will be hard. I could easily call my doctor and say I am still in pain from surgery... or geez, I can call the guy who's been cutting my lawn since my surgery... he's got them too. So easily accessible, but I have no need for them anymore...
No need.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 32
Welcome! Keep reaching out and sharing. I find for myself, the more I surround myself with people and programs about recovery and follow their suggestions, the better I am. For me, it is 12 step but I know that is not for everyone. Just sharing and admitting you have a problem is a wonderful start.
I have 12 years of sobriety but I am just starting with Coda and another 12 step program so I consider myself a beginner in certain aspects of my development.
I have 12 years of sobriety but I am just starting with Coda and another 12 step program so I consider myself a beginner in certain aspects of my development.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 8,614
Thanks for sharing it catmarie- it helped me not to focus on my DOC to read your story! I hope you will find the strength to stick to your guns, it sounds like you made a tough decision when you cut your ties with M. You have to live your life for you. I think, maybe if you can handle all of those difficult situations- you probably have what it takes to get and stay sober. Maybe you will meet another "M" who is sober and healthy too. That's what I hope.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Earth
Posts: 1,249
catmarie69, Welcome to SR. Pain pill addiction is so common. I'm glad you decided to quit. I too was a pain pill addict. I took between 25-30 Vicodin ES a day. I was totally addicted. I have been clean for 5 years, and my life has gotten so much better. I no longer have to run to my doctor for my pills. Just stopping without any help might be shocking to your body. You might want to check with your doctor and find a way to get a proper and safe medical detox. I wish you comfort and peace at this very hard time.
Have courage, and know that it can be done.
Have courage, and know that it can be done.
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