Recovery 'intuition'. Saying No...
Guest
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 2,013
Recovery 'intuition'. Saying No...
This is something which I guess is very difficult in the early days/months of sobriety. It's something which can still be very difficult even with some time under your belt.
I guess with recovery though I have tended to find that my 'intuition' is generally there. When I go against it then it can cause me all sorts of anxiety. This was/is a learning process. Much of my anxiety and stress related to mind battles in sobriety was related to this in some form. Like doing something or being asked to so something, that you just know doesn't sit right, but also being paranoid/worried that it might be your alcoholic subconscious setting you up for failure in not doing it.
It is also hard because it's easy for a part of your mind to question whether you're doing the right thing. Period.
I guess the way I look at my recovery now is that I want to make sure that everything that I do in my life feels like a forward and positive step, however small it may be. When I think back to what I was like when I was at my worst in active drinking, then even getting out of bed and not wishing I was dead, is a positive step forward.
I think it's easy to forget how far we've come, especially if talking to people not in recovery.
At the end of the day then if I am feeling happy to be doing what I'm doing then that has to be OK with me. It's a slow process and very much a daily work in process. Even at 13 months sober today then I still feel like I don't want to be rushing stuff.
I am ever conscious that I am only ever one drink away from losing everything. People who aren't alcoholics simply wouldn't understand that. My sobriety is the most precious thing in my life. Without it I have nothing anyway.
I treat my recovery very seriously as it is my lifeline. I remember sitting in the cells and wondering where it all went wrong.
Now I am siting here 13 months since I last took a drink, drug or cigarette. Somebody asked me today "you never gonna drink ever again?" I said "I ain't gonna drink just for today" I really felt good saying that too. Like I know that i'm on the right path. I never felt honestly good when asking for another drink or trying to beg a line of Coke or a ciggy off someone. Just really crappy.
13 months of making sure that 'just for today' I stay sober and work on recovering and building a new life 'one day at a time'.
peace
I guess with recovery though I have tended to find that my 'intuition' is generally there. When I go against it then it can cause me all sorts of anxiety. This was/is a learning process. Much of my anxiety and stress related to mind battles in sobriety was related to this in some form. Like doing something or being asked to so something, that you just know doesn't sit right, but also being paranoid/worried that it might be your alcoholic subconscious setting you up for failure in not doing it.
It is also hard because it's easy for a part of your mind to question whether you're doing the right thing. Period.
I guess the way I look at my recovery now is that I want to make sure that everything that I do in my life feels like a forward and positive step, however small it may be. When I think back to what I was like when I was at my worst in active drinking, then even getting out of bed and not wishing I was dead, is a positive step forward.
I think it's easy to forget how far we've come, especially if talking to people not in recovery.
At the end of the day then if I am feeling happy to be doing what I'm doing then that has to be OK with me. It's a slow process and very much a daily work in process. Even at 13 months sober today then I still feel like I don't want to be rushing stuff.
I am ever conscious that I am only ever one drink away from losing everything. People who aren't alcoholics simply wouldn't understand that. My sobriety is the most precious thing in my life. Without it I have nothing anyway.
I treat my recovery very seriously as it is my lifeline. I remember sitting in the cells and wondering where it all went wrong.
Now I am siting here 13 months since I last took a drink, drug or cigarette. Somebody asked me today "you never gonna drink ever again?" I said "I ain't gonna drink just for today" I really felt good saying that too. Like I know that i'm on the right path. I never felt honestly good when asking for another drink or trying to beg a line of Coke or a ciggy off someone. Just really crappy.
13 months of making sure that 'just for today' I stay sober and work on recovering and building a new life 'one day at a time'.
peace
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Excellent post, NEO,
There are two kinds of little voices we hear in early recovery--the ones that rationalize and set us up, and the ones that tell us what's REALLY in our best interest.
Thinking them through, honestly, we can usually tell the difference. If doing something seems attractive, but we are having any misgivings about it, there is usually a good reason.
On my fourth day sober, I went downstairs to find my basement completely FLOODED with sewer water. It was literally gushing in through a pipe. It was Labor Day, and it was hours before I could get the authorities out there to pump out the clog that was causing the flood. I was in panic mode all day, and in between calling for help with the sewer, I called a couple of AA people, including my ex-husband (whom I didn't tell for several months about my recovery). At the end of the day, my nerves were shot. Part of me was glad I'd thrown out all the booze in the house the day before I quit drinking, and part of me was wondering why I'd been so hasty.
At 10:30 that night, almost four days to the minute after I'd finished my last drink, there was a knock at my door. My neighbor literally placed a cold beer in my hand, saying, "Here, I figured you could use this."
For a few seconds (which seemed like hours) I stood there with the beer in my hand, while I tried to figure out what to do. I thought, "I could just take it and pour it out like I did the other bottles." Somehow, though, and this was intuition, or my higher power, I found myself saying, "No thanks, I'm fine, I really don't want it."
I always share this story when I speak at meetings. It was at that moment that I realized if I do pay attention, I will know what it is I need to do.
That moment has kept me sober on several occasions when I was debating whether to do something that might have been dangerous to my sobriety.
There are two kinds of little voices we hear in early recovery--the ones that rationalize and set us up, and the ones that tell us what's REALLY in our best interest.
Thinking them through, honestly, we can usually tell the difference. If doing something seems attractive, but we are having any misgivings about it, there is usually a good reason.
On my fourth day sober, I went downstairs to find my basement completely FLOODED with sewer water. It was literally gushing in through a pipe. It was Labor Day, and it was hours before I could get the authorities out there to pump out the clog that was causing the flood. I was in panic mode all day, and in between calling for help with the sewer, I called a couple of AA people, including my ex-husband (whom I didn't tell for several months about my recovery). At the end of the day, my nerves were shot. Part of me was glad I'd thrown out all the booze in the house the day before I quit drinking, and part of me was wondering why I'd been so hasty.
At 10:30 that night, almost four days to the minute after I'd finished my last drink, there was a knock at my door. My neighbor literally placed a cold beer in my hand, saying, "Here, I figured you could use this."
For a few seconds (which seemed like hours) I stood there with the beer in my hand, while I tried to figure out what to do. I thought, "I could just take it and pour it out like I did the other bottles." Somehow, though, and this was intuition, or my higher power, I found myself saying, "No thanks, I'm fine, I really don't want it."
I always share this story when I speak at meetings. It was at that moment that I realized if I do pay attention, I will know what it is I need to do.
That moment has kept me sober on several occasions when I was debating whether to do something that might have been dangerous to my sobriety.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,526
As usual, Neo - excellent stuff that we can ALL use, including me as I approach 2 yrs. & 7 mos. of sobriety.
You're so right about not realizing how far we've come. I wish I'd had the heart, when I started on this journey, to keep a diary to track my progress. The first entry would have said how desperately sick and miserable I felt & how my life had become chaos. I have to think really hard to recall the horrible truth of what my daily existence was like when alcohol ruled my world. We don't need to dwell on the past, just give it a nod now and then - so we never, ever allow ourselves to go back there.
Thanks, Neo. Congratulations on your 13 mos., my friend.
You're so right about not realizing how far we've come. I wish I'd had the heart, when I started on this journey, to keep a diary to track my progress. The first entry would have said how desperately sick and miserable I felt & how my life had become chaos. I have to think really hard to recall the horrible truth of what my daily existence was like when alcohol ruled my world. We don't need to dwell on the past, just give it a nod now and then - so we never, ever allow ourselves to go back there.
Thanks, Neo. Congratulations on your 13 mos., my friend.
6/20/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 4,467
Your post hit me on a couple different points. First off, the positivity. I do try to live my life positively now. When I was drinking, it didn't matter because being a drunk was easier. I could be a rip, and it was always someone elses fault more than it was mine.
Isn't it Fub that has something about, 'only the positive' in his tagline? It's so true....and so easy to hit the negative.
The second thing....I truly am one drink away from losing everything. That's it, only one hideous thought that I can have 'just one'. In the past 2 years, I feel like I've finally grown up. I don't want to go back.
As usual.....THANKS, Neo.
Isn't it Fub that has something about, 'only the positive' in his tagline? It's so true....and so easy to hit the negative.
The second thing....I truly am one drink away from losing everything. That's it, only one hideous thought that I can have 'just one'. In the past 2 years, I feel like I've finally grown up. I don't want to go back.
As usual.....THANKS, Neo.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Toronto
Posts: 318
Neo, sorry to see you have been going through a bit of a rough patch over the last day or two, but I am happy to see that you are hanging in there. Thank you for sharing your experiences. It is the perfect illustration of how we are never truly free of the disease - even after 13 months of sobriety, which can seem like a lifetime.
Stay strong and hang in there!
Stay strong and hang in there!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,469
Neo, you are right on with your thoughts.
I think that I needed to find my way and to know what I felt was right for me. This was something that I had no experience with, so learning to trust my intuition was a slow process. You're doing great and you're gaining confidence every day.
I think that I needed to find my way and to know what I felt was right for me. This was something that I had no experience with, so learning to trust my intuition was a slow process. You're doing great and you're gaining confidence every day.
Ethanol Intolerant
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Neo another great post. I could not agree with you more. For me it is a process of setting my intention and detaching from the day to day to allow my intuition to guide me through an unpredictable world with a minimum of effort.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
