I'm not sure if I can cope with life sober
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: London
Posts: 337
I'm not sure if I can cope with life sober
It's hard explain but, basically, I've spent the majority of my life blocking things out with drugs and alcohol. I've never learned to deal with anything properly and now I just don't know how to.
Drink (especially) let me escape responsibility, emotions and...growing up. I'm 38 and I'm sure I'm worse at dealing with things than most teenagers.
I used to think I was good with people, good with stress, good with bad situations but really I was just too drunk to care. And, you know what? THAT is the actual part I miss. My drunken armor.
I'm sober and I'm trying to clean up and sort out my life but the sobriety itself is making it so difficult. To the most ridiculous extent: meetings seem daunting sober! Yes, I know they're daunting for everyone but it's crippling me. I feel humiliated, angry and judged ALL the time (everywhere) and I don't have drinking/using to fall back on anymore. I don't know what to do or how to cope, it's like I've been thrust into this sober world that I'm not equipped for.
I don't really know the point of this post, I just want opinions I suppose.
Drink (especially) let me escape responsibility, emotions and...growing up. I'm 38 and I'm sure I'm worse at dealing with things than most teenagers.
I used to think I was good with people, good with stress, good with bad situations but really I was just too drunk to care. And, you know what? THAT is the actual part I miss. My drunken armor.
I'm sober and I'm trying to clean up and sort out my life but the sobriety itself is making it so difficult. To the most ridiculous extent: meetings seem daunting sober! Yes, I know they're daunting for everyone but it's crippling me. I feel humiliated, angry and judged ALL the time (everywhere) and I don't have drinking/using to fall back on anymore. I don't know what to do or how to cope, it's like I've been thrust into this sober world that I'm not equipped for.
I don't really know the point of this post, I just want opinions I suppose.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by HarryB 
I used to think I was good with people, good with stress, good with bad situations but really I was just too drunk to care. And, you know what? THAT is the actual part I miss. My drunken armor.
Recovery is not drinking and feeling good about it.
I used to use booze to feel good about not dealing with life.
Now I use life to feel good about not dealing with booze.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2008
Location: London
Posts: 337
Originally Posted by Dee74
I was 38 too Harry - I didn't want to get sober really - but I knew I'd die otherwise.
I found I was more capable than I realised - when I had to be.
How long have you been sober now?
D
I found I was more capable than I realised - when I had to be.
How long have you been sober now?
D
I'm finding I'm far LESS capable than I imagined I would be. I ended up crying on the phone to a pest control agency receptionist today.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: SoCal CA
Posts: 1,319
I would say you should probably see a counselor and talk some of your issues out.
But I have two rules that I live by so I don't get stressed out and take things in life too seriously.
Rule #1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Rule #2. Everything is small stuff.
But I have two rules that I live by so I don't get stressed out and take things in life too seriously.
Rule #1. Don't sweat the small stuff.
Rule #2. Everything is small stuff.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 2,693
Harry,
Once my drinking progressed to alcohol abuse it was no longer the pg-rated 'armor' that it had been for a long time. It was my new "normal."
When I first came to this site I wasn't sure if I understood the anxiety that everybody talks about; the anxiety caused by alcoholic drinking.
After reading a lot on here and taking a good look at myself, my habits, my feelings, and the anxiety I had before I started using alcohol, I finally got it.
Once my drinking reached the depths of barely functioning through the day, I realized how terribly worried I was about [B]everything[B] in my life. Would I finish my graduate degree? How would I do well in a professional job if I was drinking? What did people think of me at work when I showed up late, looking tired and messy. What did my mother think of me? Did she know? Who knew about my drinking and who didn't? Did my friend know that I was drunk during that phone call or as I wrote that email??????
I could go on and on and on like I'm sure we all could with all the horrors and anxiety that our drinking caused in our life.
We need to really think about what will work in our lives and what won't. I had to reach the point where I knew that alcohol was no longer working for me. I kept upping the ante, hoping to make it work again; help me numb the anxiety of hangovers affecting my work, friendships, relationships, finances.
Was that going to start working again? No.
I'm also going to second what Dee said: I only reached the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink once I realized that it was killing me.
All the anxiety, the blackouts, all of that.....was not enough for me personally to want to stop. I needed the black-and-white proof that I was hurting my body and my brain.
Someone on here said something that finally made me realize what I was doing everyday:
I drank because I was sick and I was sick because I drank
There are so many more you can make out of this sentence:
I had terrible anxiety because I drank and I drank because I had terrible anxiety
I didn't cope with life/mature because I drank and I drank because I couldn't cope with life/mature
Once again, the list goes on and on.......
This to me spells out the vicious cycle of alcoholism and substance abuse.
Once my drinking progressed to alcohol abuse it was no longer the pg-rated 'armor' that it had been for a long time. It was my new "normal."
When I first came to this site I wasn't sure if I understood the anxiety that everybody talks about; the anxiety caused by alcoholic drinking.
After reading a lot on here and taking a good look at myself, my habits, my feelings, and the anxiety I had before I started using alcohol, I finally got it.
Once my drinking reached the depths of barely functioning through the day, I realized how terribly worried I was about [B]everything[B] in my life. Would I finish my graduate degree? How would I do well in a professional job if I was drinking? What did people think of me at work when I showed up late, looking tired and messy. What did my mother think of me? Did she know? Who knew about my drinking and who didn't? Did my friend know that I was drunk during that phone call or as I wrote that email??????
I could go on and on and on like I'm sure we all could with all the horrors and anxiety that our drinking caused in our life.
We need to really think about what will work in our lives and what won't. I had to reach the point where I knew that alcohol was no longer working for me. I kept upping the ante, hoping to make it work again; help me numb the anxiety of hangovers affecting my work, friendships, relationships, finances.
Was that going to start working again? No.
I'm also going to second what Dee said: I only reached the point where I wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink once I realized that it was killing me.
All the anxiety, the blackouts, all of that.....was not enough for me personally to want to stop. I needed the black-and-white proof that I was hurting my body and my brain.
Someone on here said something that finally made me realize what I was doing everyday:
I drank because I was sick and I was sick because I drank
There are so many more you can make out of this sentence:
I had terrible anxiety because I drank and I drank because I had terrible anxiety
I didn't cope with life/mature because I drank and I drank because I couldn't cope with life/mature
Once again, the list goes on and on.......
This to me spells out the vicious cycle of alcoholism and substance abuse.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
HarryB - A couple of years ago, I could have written your post.
You're right: Being sober seems so daunting and endless and slow . . . and you can't turn it off!!
That is the worst part, isn't it? Not being able to turn it off. I longed each and every day for that moment when I could turn off the sobriety and get drunk. Then, life would get funny and interesting. I, of course, would be the braying belle of the ball. <snerk>
Everything, all the fun, came to screeching halt when I got sober. It was like I had all these endless minutes and seconds and hours on my hands, and I didn't know what the eff to do with them.
I cried a lot. I threw actual tantrums (and we're pretty close in age). I cried some more. I threw myself into my favorite hobby. I stayed to myself (probably too much). I discovered good coffee. I got my teeth white again. I stayed sober.
The thing is, I got through it. If you keep at it, you will get through it, too. You'll learn to deal. You might be happier if you get into some kind of recovery program (counseling, AA, many others out there). You might decide to go the course alone. It doesn't matter. I wager you'll be less destructive to yourself either way as long as you stay sober.
Days will continue to pass. Then, months. Then, years. Your misery won't seem so immediate. You'll learn new approaches to living. You may even have a few epiphanies about what makes you tick and makes some improvements in yourself. From what I've understood AA helps a lot with that, but I didn't go that route and had epiphanies about myself anyway.
Telling you to keep at it seems weak. How about this: Hold on. It gets better.
You're right: Being sober seems so daunting and endless and slow . . . and you can't turn it off!!
That is the worst part, isn't it? Not being able to turn it off. I longed each and every day for that moment when I could turn off the sobriety and get drunk. Then, life would get funny and interesting. I, of course, would be the braying belle of the ball. <snerk>
Everything, all the fun, came to screeching halt when I got sober. It was like I had all these endless minutes and seconds and hours on my hands, and I didn't know what the eff to do with them.
I cried a lot. I threw actual tantrums (and we're pretty close in age). I cried some more. I threw myself into my favorite hobby. I stayed to myself (probably too much). I discovered good coffee. I got my teeth white again. I stayed sober.
The thing is, I got through it. If you keep at it, you will get through it, too. You'll learn to deal. You might be happier if you get into some kind of recovery program (counseling, AA, many others out there). You might decide to go the course alone. It doesn't matter. I wager you'll be less destructive to yourself either way as long as you stay sober.
Days will continue to pass. Then, months. Then, years. Your misery won't seem so immediate. You'll learn new approaches to living. You may even have a few epiphanies about what makes you tick and makes some improvements in yourself. From what I've understood AA helps a lot with that, but I didn't go that route and had epiphanies about myself anyway.
Telling you to keep at it seems weak. How about this: Hold on. It gets better.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Florida
Posts: 649
Harry - sorry you're feeling so down and I can understand what you're talking about. My drinking on a daily basis was the norm and that's how I functioned. Well, guess what? Now we're sober and we must carry on with our lives in a more productive manner. I've neglected so much in my live while drinking and now I'm changing that all around AGAIN.
I've been on and off the wagon more times than you can shake a stick at. So, I know what it's like to be sober for an extensive period of time and it's truly a good feeling not waking up with a hangover and/or puking.
Smacked is right about the counseling and if you can share your feelings with a professional in this field, I'd highly recommend you do it. I won't babble on and on but I do want to reassure you that long term sobriety is the way of life!
Be strong my Friend! :ghug3
I've been on and off the wagon more times than you can shake a stick at. So, I know what it's like to be sober for an extensive period of time and it's truly a good feeling not waking up with a hangover and/or puking.
Smacked is right about the counseling and if you can share your feelings with a professional in this field, I'd highly recommend you do it. I won't babble on and on but I do want to reassure you that long term sobriety is the way of life!
Be strong my Friend! :ghug3
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,416
Maybe counseling is the way forward Harry...I also think it may be beneficial for you to read about PAWs if you haven't already...I'm not providing a definitive diagnosis but there may be more at play here than simple inability 
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma
D
Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome (PAWS) — Why we don’t get better immediately) Digital Dharma
D
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,491
Harry, I was older than you when I began recovery. For most of those years I didn't drink, but I very carefully hid from any and all emotions. My life was full of what I 'should' do, what was appropriate, as if I was playing a role. When I began recovery, I was very, very low and had to begin to figure out who I was and what I wanted.
Please, please be patient with yourself. You should do what you can do and that's all. Fill your life with people you love and who love you. Do things you enjoy. And, know that it will get better.
Please, please be patient with yourself. You should do what you can do and that's all. Fill your life with people you love and who love you. Do things you enjoy. And, know that it will get better.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hey Harry,
I'm 51, and know how you feel. I don't know if I can handle sobriety either, but I do know that the hell I've lived for the past few years is really not living. It seems the only option we have to enjoy life for real is to stay real.
It's not easy by no means, but how will we know if life is good if we're too drunk to keep our heads up and pay attention?
I'm 51, and know how you feel. I don't know if I can handle sobriety either, but I do know that the hell I've lived for the past few years is really not living. It seems the only option we have to enjoy life for real is to stay real.
It's not easy by no means, but how will we know if life is good if we're too drunk to keep our heads up and pay attention?
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
I feel humiliated, angry and judged ALL the time (everywhere) and I don't have drinking/using to fall back on anymore.
I have been a ruthless judge of myself all my life and I think I've lived in fear a lot. Could it be that you're seeing your own judgement and fears all around you, and haven't learned how to give yourself a little love and appreciation? I realize it's easier said than done, but perhaps some counseling could help you sort out where your pain is coming from.
When we're actively drinking, we're giving ourselves no chance to evolve, to love ourselves or even know ourselves. So going back to drinking can only prolong the agony. I'm sending a prayer for you!:ghug3
The New Me starting 1/11/09
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: California
Posts: 678
Hi Harry -
Sorry you are feeling this way. When all else fails, it is suggested that we keep ourselves sober by helping other alcoholics.
To me, it is all about actively working a program of recovery. Without recovery, I can't deal with life. Recovery (in my case AA + SR + helping others) replaces what the alcohol gave me.
Please keep posting. Lots of good advice from others.
Sorry you are feeling this way. When all else fails, it is suggested that we keep ourselves sober by helping other alcoholics.
To me, it is all about actively working a program of recovery. Without recovery, I can't deal with life. Recovery (in my case AA + SR + helping others) replaces what the alcohol gave me.
Please keep posting. Lots of good advice from others.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 1,525
Hi Harry
I know what you mean about having to learn how to deal with life. But let me tell you, now that I am not drinking I learned that it is WAY better to actually get to the source of my problems than it is to just drink and try to forget them. And I'm SO much less anxious and stressed about everything now than I was when I was drinking. If I have a problem, I can't just have a couple drinks anymore... I have to actually solve the problem! And once it's solved, I feel so, so much better than I used to after just having a whole bunch of drinks over the course of an evening to try to drown the problem (and secretly still having it nagging at me.)
The book The Easy Way to Stop Drinking, by Allen Carr talks about this... I'm paraphrasing, but there is a chapter on using alcohol to relax and basically he says that in order for alcohol to relax you, you first have to be unrelaxed. Why don't you feel relaxed? You have to examine the reason for that and decide: are you hungry, tired, lonely, etc. And the truth is that alcohol solves NONE of those problems! It just numbs you so you forget about them. It's so much better to eat when you're hungry, rest when you're tired, call a friend if you're lonely, etc. If you're worried about something you deal with it head on instead of drinking and trying to forget about it.
I'm going on and on I know, but this has really been a revelation for me. I was a pent-up ball of stress for years, and now all of a sudden I'm not. I thought giving up alcohol would stress me out but it's actually been the opposite, in that it actually forced me to deal with my life. Give it a chance for a little while longer and you might find the same.
I know what you mean about having to learn how to deal with life. But let me tell you, now that I am not drinking I learned that it is WAY better to actually get to the source of my problems than it is to just drink and try to forget them. And I'm SO much less anxious and stressed about everything now than I was when I was drinking. If I have a problem, I can't just have a couple drinks anymore... I have to actually solve the problem! And once it's solved, I feel so, so much better than I used to after just having a whole bunch of drinks over the course of an evening to try to drown the problem (and secretly still having it nagging at me.)
The book The Easy Way to Stop Drinking, by Allen Carr talks about this... I'm paraphrasing, but there is a chapter on using alcohol to relax and basically he says that in order for alcohol to relax you, you first have to be unrelaxed. Why don't you feel relaxed? You have to examine the reason for that and decide: are you hungry, tired, lonely, etc. And the truth is that alcohol solves NONE of those problems! It just numbs you so you forget about them. It's so much better to eat when you're hungry, rest when you're tired, call a friend if you're lonely, etc. If you're worried about something you deal with it head on instead of drinking and trying to forget about it.
I'm going on and on I know, but this has really been a revelation for me. I was a pent-up ball of stress for years, and now all of a sudden I'm not. I thought giving up alcohol would stress me out but it's actually been the opposite, in that it actually forced me to deal with my life. Give it a chance for a little while longer and you might find the same.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
38 seems like the perfect age to get right with your life.
My son didn't make it to 38. Due to his addiction he died at 26.
Please go to what ever lengths necessary to get straight.
My son didn't make it to 38. Due to his addiction he died at 26.
Please go to what ever lengths necessary to get straight.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: las vegas nv
Posts: 180
Harry, I think you are great with people on chatline, everyone adores you. Don't sell yourself short. I agree with the above; counseling may be the way to go, it will help you discover your underlying issues. Remember moods are just something that happen, and god knows life is not a bed of roses everyday, if you are feeling down, it's ok. This too shall pass. Stay Strong Harry and Don't give up!
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by HarryB
I've never learned to deal with anything properly and now I just don't know how to.
Drink (especially) let me escape responsibility, emotions and...growing up. I'm 38 and I'm sure I'm worse at dealing with things than most teenagers.
I used to think I was good with people, good with stress, good with bad situations but really I was just too drunk to care. And, you know what? THAT is the actual part I miss. My drunken armor.
I'm sober and I'm trying to clean up and sort out my life but the sobriety itself is making it so difficult. To the most ridiculous extent: meetings seem daunting sober! Yes, I know they're daunting for everyone but it's crippling me. I feel humiliated, angry and judged ALL the time (everywhere) and I don't have drinking/using to fall back on anymore. I don't know what to do or how to cope, it's like I've been thrust into this sober world that I'm not equipped for.
I don't really know the point of this post, I just want opinions I suppose.
Drink (especially) let me escape responsibility, emotions and...growing up. I'm 38 and I'm sure I'm worse at dealing with things than most teenagers.
I used to think I was good with people, good with stress, good with bad situations but really I was just too drunk to care. And, you know what? THAT is the actual part I miss. My drunken armor.
I'm sober and I'm trying to clean up and sort out my life but the sobriety itself is making it so difficult. To the most ridiculous extent: meetings seem daunting sober! Yes, I know they're daunting for everyone but it's crippling me. I feel humiliated, angry and judged ALL the time (everywhere) and I don't have drinking/using to fall back on anymore. I don't know what to do or how to cope, it's like I've been thrust into this sober world that I'm not equipped for.
I don't really know the point of this post, I just want opinions I suppose.
I found a fantastic substance abuse therapist and saw her 4x per month. She's in recovery herself (15yrs or so) and her "therapy" focused on the 12 steps and finding a power greater than myself. She was the person who "sold me" on AA. I had a hard time "getting it" at meetings too, at first. With my therapist though, we were really able to dig into the steps and I didn't feel embarrassed asking her all the questions I was afraid to ask the ppl in those meetings.
My drinking led to the court system, which led me to counseling, where I learned the AA program, which led me to God, who solved all those same problems you mentioned for me. I don't need my "drunken armor" anymore (GREAAAT choice of words there - I'm gonna use that one
). Keep at it... I mean, it's not like you have anything to go back to, yanno? Keep pushing forward....keep going. It DOES get better if you keep moving through it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 40
Harry, thanks for letting us in. I am 39 myself and this will be day 3 of my most recent foray into going sober. Not gonna lie, these first few days have been tough and the previous two, serious attempts were hard, at first. But, there were moments that felt great. And, it felt/feels great to fight...even if it hurts. I don't know what you are going through, but consider me a fellow fighter, a fellow feeler of pain...as so many here are. But, you are certainly not alone...not at all.
I know I am only a few days in, but what is different is I am/have shared my struggle with a number of people close to me outside just doctor and family. I have let some coworkers in on this choice and some friends. I am being choosy and wording carefully how I am sharing. But, the responses I am getting are so encouraging and I am being told I am courageous for doing this. WOW!
And, we ARE courageous for doing this! You CAN do it! I even had one friend who said he is going to start a 30 break from alcohol and see how it works for him. Pretty cool!
This might be blasphemy on here, but if the meetings aren't working for you, find someone/something else. But, definitely do not do this on your own. This forum is awesome, but I think everyone agrees we need people in our daily lives we can trust for help and support. Whether that is a counselor, a church group, trusted friends.
But, friend, the only thing trying to condemn you is that lying voice that says drinking is a good thing...it wants to take you out. Don't let it. Fight, my friend!
And, sure, you are feeling like you are in a new country and this is a great way to describe it...a whole new language and customs to learn. You are more than capable of learning this new country! And, what a great country it will turn out to be for you!
If it is okay, I will keep you in my prayers.
I know I am only a few days in, but what is different is I am/have shared my struggle with a number of people close to me outside just doctor and family. I have let some coworkers in on this choice and some friends. I am being choosy and wording carefully how I am sharing. But, the responses I am getting are so encouraging and I am being told I am courageous for doing this. WOW!
And, we ARE courageous for doing this! You CAN do it! I even had one friend who said he is going to start a 30 break from alcohol and see how it works for him. Pretty cool!
This might be blasphemy on here, but if the meetings aren't working for you, find someone/something else. But, definitely do not do this on your own. This forum is awesome, but I think everyone agrees we need people in our daily lives we can trust for help and support. Whether that is a counselor, a church group, trusted friends.
But, friend, the only thing trying to condemn you is that lying voice that says drinking is a good thing...it wants to take you out. Don't let it. Fight, my friend!
And, sure, you are feeling like you are in a new country and this is a great way to describe it...a whole new language and customs to learn. You are more than capable of learning this new country! And, what a great country it will turn out to be for you!
If it is okay, I will keep you in my prayers.
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