lindahu

...........I have gone to bed for the last 20 yrs. of my life drunk. I still couldn't sleep and then starting taking ambien with the alcohol to get to sleep quickly. I medicate myself so i don't have to think of my past which was sexually abusive with a history of child neglect. Last night i blacked out and had to get 5 stitches in my chin. I don't even remember being in the ER. I feel I have had a wake up call and need to be responsible to my family. I feel humiliated and self defeated. I need to start now and quit and i have said this to myself before.

Ananda

I also come from a similar background. What i have found in AA is some hope. I've got a ways to go, but already i know that my past doesn't have to control me anymore.

That pit of despare you are in may last awhile, but there are those who will help you through it...help you get to the steps and a way out of your alchoholism..which suprisingly enough will also end up helping all the other stuff.

What you have suffered is real, but because i am an alchohlic, my mind turns that experience against me...uses that past to convince me it is hopeless and drinking is the answer...

Today i know it isn't...today i know that that is a lie.

Please keep posting, reach out to others, and begin this journey (hug)

CarolD

Welcome to our recovery community....

Glad you are here with us

artsoul

I started drinking nightly to get to sleep, too, and then slowly added a million other reasons why I "needed" that drink. Just one more, just one more, and one more after that. It was almost impossible to stop at a few.

Expect to feel some depression/anxiety as you come off alcohol (and if you're getting drunk every night, you may need to see a doctor to help with withdrawals). The good news is that each day gets better. After about 4 days, I found myself smiling a real smile for the first time in years, and it was over nothing! So different from the superficial "I'm OK on the outside" kind of smile I was used to. Get the alcohol out of your system, and see what happens - I think you'll be amazed.

I hope your chin heals quickly - thank goodness it wasn't worse. Keep reading and posting - we're here and we understand what you're going through.:ghug3

Anna

Linda, it's hard to know that we are going to have to face all the stuff we've been running away from and pushing aside. But, there's no way around it, and the truth is that you can move forward, learn to love and respect yourself and begin to heal.

LaFemme

Hi and welcome to SR, I am guessing the powers that be moved your thread to newcomers, so welcome.

I was pretty similar to you, without the ambien, and all I can say is sobriety rocks, it is the best thing you will ever do.

I would like to mention that to me you are not "Just a drunk..." you are so much more, and I hope you will see that as well.

Best wishes and peace,

LaFemme

Dee74

Welcome lindahu

I had a lot of stuff I self medicated for too.

Like Anna says, there no way around it - we have to actually deal with stuff to get past it...drinking over it is avoiding it, and mostly not very successfully.

You'll find a lot of support here.

D

Opivotal

I hope with all my heart you get some professional help with the abuse issue. Don't let it destroy the rest of your life. You will have a difficult time moving forward without addressing this. It comes out in destructive ways.

I'm very sorry you have suffered this way. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you take your power back and find peace and happiness.

Best Wishes :ghug3

jamdls

Hi Linda, welcome to SR. I self medicated for the same reasons as you for over 20 yrs as well and the funny thing is in sobriety I've learned forgiveness, forgiveness of my offender and forgiveness of myself. Please don't mix ambien with alcohol, I did so 3 yrs ago and overdosed w/o intending to and was unconscious for over 36 hours and only by the grace of God and wonderful doctors did I survive. Come join the sobriety party it's a great place to be.

julez

Don't beat yourself up. You are making the right choice to end letting the drink run your life. We have all made mistakes, and we are all trying to learn from them. You can do this, and we are here to listen.

HIgby442

I have a similar approach to julez. First off, you are making the right choice. And, i have made TONS of mistakes and humiliated myself-but those scenarios are some of the biggest driving forces in making my sobriety and decision to get sober a success. You are here with a terrific group of people that can help-I couldnt have succeeded without all of them.

I like to think of it like you said-its a wakeup call, or an awareness. Now you can take the opportunity to turn the negative into a positive.

Finally, dont think of yourself of just a drunk. I used to think that way. You are a good person, just like everybody else. You are worth it and keep that in mind!

All the best

timetobeclean

Hi Linda
I just joined this forum today and I can certainly relate to feelings of humiliation and self defeat. We are all far more than drunks, I know that I will be able to tap into the parts of myself that are good and deserving and wonderful. I hope your journey takes you there too.

sailorjohn

Welcome!!!

BrokenChains

Welcome. You've found a great place for support.

spryte

It's hard to keep going, I know. Remember that other people see you as a fighter and a survivor. I think you're amazing!

Everyone here has been whipped by alcohol or drugs.

You're not alone.

Keep checking in; there are good people here